heartbroken (death mentioned)

[LBW]

My husband of 18 years passed away unexpectedly while on a bike ride at the end of September. He was 47. My kids and I are trying to come to terms with it. I still think I'm going to wake up and the last 11 days will have been a bad nightmare.

We're past the period of funerals and family visits. I'm now in paperwork hell. Dealing with the aftermath of death seems designed to be cruel.

Please...this weekend...go over all of your financials with your spouse/partner. Make sure you know passwords for all critical accounts. Make sure you have plenty of life insurance and an up-to-date will.

Here's my question. I now have to be the healthiest mom for my boys. I made an appt for a physical next week. What do I ask the doc to test? I haven't had a physical in years b/c I've been focused on my kids (one has special needs and has required a lot of my time). I'm generally healthy. I have asthma and struggle with my weight. (I'm probably ~15-20 lbs overweight right now.) My dad has a history of emphysema and aortic aneurysms (but he smokes a lot). Thank you.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I am so incredibly sorry for your family’s loss. All of my good thoughts go out to you.


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[scrooks]

I’m so so sorry for your unbelievable loss. Sending lots of good thoughts for you and your children.

[ourbabygirl]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you huge hugs and wishing you peace. :hug:
Thank you for the reminder to get our financial house in order.
I would get a fasting blood test (cholesterol and whatever else they think is important). Try to make it a priority to get some time for yourself, maybe a small walk a few days a week or so, if at all possible, for your health and mental well-being. Do you think it would be beneficial for you and/or your kids to go to counseling? Grief support groups can be really helpful... your local hospital, school counselor, and place of worship might have contacts and resources for that.

Sending you strength and love, and keeping you in prayer...

[Kindra178]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending all the strength I have.


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[Corie]

Dealing with the aftermath of death seems designed to be cruel.



I am so sorry for your loss. I absolutely understand what you are going through and it sucks.

Yes. This is so true. I had a to-do list of several pages long after my husband died. Getting one item crossed off my list
seemed to add 5 new things to the list. I was very overwhelmed for a long time.

I also never knew any passwords or financial information. My husband always wanted to show me but I always put it off. He
was the financial guy. He worked at a financial/brokerage company for over 20 years.

[Mommy_Mea]

I am so sorry for your loss [emoji174]

[pinkmomagain]

Tara, I am so sorry for your loss and all you are dealing with now. Thank you for reminding us all how important it is to know about accounts, financials, wills etc.
It's great that you are looking to take care of your physical health. Your doctor will know what to do for a comprehensive exam. I would expect bloodwork, ekg, flu shot, etc. I hope you have some supportive friends/family/community for you and your boys. I've worked a bit in grief counseling and can say that, when/if you are open to it, support groups - whether online or in-person - can be so helpful. Please let us know how we can support you virtually.

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others that your doctor will have a good idea of what you need. I would definitely recommend taking time for some form of physical activity, which can help with your mental health. My MIL found support groups to be very helpful. You may be able to find one targeted to young widows in your area. I also remember at least a couple of moms on here (Corie being one) that have traveled this same road. They may offer some advice. Wishing you and your kids peace during this terrible time.

[georgiegirl]

I’m so sorry for your loss. How incredibly heartbreaking (and that you aren’t the first person on BBB who lost a spouse unexpectedly).

Do all the standard bloodwork, get a mammogram. Try to take care of yourself.

[squimp]

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what to say except that my heart goes out to you.

On the health exam side, I would ask about a mammogram and a pap smear. Stay on top of those. If you are 50 or over, do the colonoscopy. These are all things that suck but the tests are less onerous than the treatment and it's always better to catch them early. I would also look into getting a flu shot, it in theory keeps you healthier. I know I have been harangued into it every year by my oncologist, and I think it's working for me - if i get sick, it doesn't last long. Also, take care of your teeth and vision as well. I used to just never go to the doctor or dentist, but now I figure if insurance will pay, it is better for me to stay up to date on all this stuff. It is good that you are wanting to take care of yourself.

[jgenie]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I am not sure where you are located but I am in the NYC metro area in case you are nearby. Sending love and light your way.

[MMMommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. My sincere condolences to you and your family. I will be thinking of you.

[DualvansMommy]

Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself in the weeks and months ahead of you, and do take up local friends, family and community’s offers of help so you can get a break. Let us know what we can do virtually too here!

As far health checks; I echo what others said above.


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[Tenasparkl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's so incredibly thoughtful of you to remind us to make sure that we have everything in order during what is such a difficult time for you.

Wishing you peace as you tackle all of the items on your to-do list. Everyone has already offered such good advice regarding health exams. Thinking of you!!

[Twoboos]

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending out prayers to you and your family. Please take care of yourself - physically, mentally and emotionally.

[mom2binsd]

I'm a so sorry for your loss and can't imagine how hard each day is. I'm sure you are beyond stressed and you're running on minimal sleep. Take time to ensure you get back to a normal routine and make exercise a priority. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. I know a few friends who have benefitted from grief support groups, especially for parents with children.

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[PZMommy]

I’m so sorry for your loss!

[melrose7]

My sincere sympathies to you and your kids. When I went through a sudden loss reading books about dealing with different grief helped me. I know it’s not for everyone but it may help at some point.
I have all our passwords in a spot where DH knows and try to write in my calendar when everything is due each month. But the financial are all on me.
Take care and try to make some time for yourself

[doberbrat]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine.

[bisous]

Oh I’m so very sorry! To your question, many others have answered well. I think one thing i would check for would be diabetes. It has been an issue for some of my friends that I would never suspect. It can wreak havoc with so many body systems. It would be worth it to check it out. You’re smart to do this now. My heart and prayers are with you.

[billysmommy]

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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[wendibird22]

I am so very sorry for your unexpected loss. I cannot imagine how difficult these past two weeks have been for you and your family. In addition to the other advice offered I’d add in routine mammogram and routine skin check. The latter is a quick and easy annual exam at a dermatologist. I take comfort in knowning a trained eye is looking at my moles...especially those that are hard for me to see myself.


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[daisyd]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you strength in this difficult time.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

oh my goodness, i'm so sorry. major hugs to you and your kiddos as you deal with this.

that is a good reminder re: passwords and paperwork. my husband worries about this situation all time... he typed out a list of his passwords and put it in a safe.

[ang79]

I am so sorry for all that you have been through! I know you are trying hard to be a rock for your kids right now, but please also take care of yourself, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Take others up on offers of help and also don’t be afraid to ask for help if needed (I know that I struggle with asking for help but I am slowly learning that I cannot be Superwoman and it’s better to ask for help than run myself down!)

I agree with others, start scheduling yearly skin checks at the dermatologist, mammograms, get a pap if you haven’t had one recently. Make sure you are up to date on any shot boosters you might need (I just had a tetanus done at my last yearly checkup). Ask your doctor for recommendation on bloodwork to check levels. Make sure you update your doctors office on changes to family health history so they can help track hereditary conditions.

Thank you for the reminder about going over financials at home. I do all the monthly bills and banking but DH does all the retirement and life insurance stuff and I am clueless on those.

Keeping you and your kids in thoughts and prayer tonight.


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[lkarp]

I’m so sorry for your loss!

[TwinFoxes]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please lean on us, we are here for you.

I do not have much advice, other than just go for a physical and a mammogram.

[SASM]

I am going to try to PM you. It doesn’t always work for me. If you do not receive it, please try to PM me. HUGE hugs.xo


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[MontrealMum]

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending lots of (((hugs))) [emoji177]


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[Ceepa]

Tara, I am so sorry. If you begin to feel overwhelmed narrow your focus to what is right in front of you and the kids. Get through the hour, the day. Accept that things are going to take longer to get done and that is OK.
Take help when you can, remember to eat and sleep as you can.

[urquie]

I am so, so sorry to hear of your terrible loss! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

[alootikki]

I am so sorry for your loss! Sending you many good thoughts and wishes for strength [emoji3590]


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[mommy111]

I am so sorry for your loss
get a mammogram and a fitness coach
youre all they have now

[niccig]

So sorry for you and the kids. In addition to the physical, see a counselor on a regular basis to help with processing the loss. Get someone for the kids to talk with too. Hugs to all of you!


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[pinay]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to give yourself as much grace as possible in the coming weeks and months... grief can be so unpredictable, and you are dealing with so much.

On the health side, I've been using the Noom app for several months and have lost 12 lbs- it's a slow and steady process and has made me rethink how to balance my life to be healthier in all ways. Just something to consider when you're ready.

[ett]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[3isEnough]

Tara, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your husband. He was much too young. I'm sending you strength.

[dhano923]

I’m so sorry for your loss...

[jawilli4]

I am so utterly sorry for your loss.

Sending tons of hugs, strength, prayers and positive thoughts. From your posts you sound like an awesome, strong mama. Good for you to be looking out for yourself as well.

[jenmcadams]

Tara - I'm not on that much any more, but read your post this AM and had to respond. In April 2015 (so 4.5 years ago), my husband also passed away suddenly while on a bike ride. We had been married 20 years and he was 45 years old (I was 42). My kids were 9 & 12 at the time and I am so sorry for all of you for your loss. It is so good of you to remind everyone about the need to be on top of your financial/legal stuff (we weren't) and I'm glad you're doing a physical. I don't have a lot of specific advice on that beyond what others have already said, but glad you're doing it. I'll send you a PM - please feel free to PM me if you don't see it. I'd be happy to serve as a sounding board or someone you could talk to if it would be helpful. Please take care of yourself (both physically and mentally) and be kind and patient with yourself. - Jen

[gamma]

My heart goes out to you and your boys. My husband passed away at 37, leaving me with 3 boys to raise. They were 3,9,13. This was 30 years ago. If you feel it would be helpful to speak to someone, who made it through to the other side of navigating being a young widow and raising 3 boys, please send me a PM. Always know that you are stronger than you think you are.

[carolinacool]

I'm so sorry. Sending prayers up for your family and wishing you peace.

[twowhat?]

I am so, so sorry. Sending lots of love, strength, and hugs.

[khm]

I am so, so sorry for you and your sweet boys. I will echo the others and say you ARE stronger than you can imagine.

[div_0305]

My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear husband and father of your children. :hug: I hope that you have a good support group nearby of people you can call on for help. Apart from your physical, I think you would benefit from stress reduction techniques--meditation, mindfulness exercises, a good book or movie to immerse yourself in for some time. For the children, they may be having a hard time expressing themselves and feeling lost. I hope counselors at school can help support them in their grief, as well.

The paperwork is cruel and the litany of people you have to deal with to get the paperwork resolved can include some extremely difficult and heartless persons.

[Dream]

I’m so sorry for your loss

[PunkyBoo]

My sincere condolences, you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

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[egoldber]

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry.and to echo that you need to find someone to talk to support groups can be great but it can take awhile to find one that is a good fit.

[carolinamama]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband and father of your boys.

[ged]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I encourage you to just do what you can, and even the health check stuff can be done slowly, one appointment at a time. No need to overwhelm yourself with any more than what is already on your plate.

[smiles33]

I echo the others and send you PT so you can endure the paperwork and headaches ahead. I hope you and your kids get the support and love of your community to figure out this new unexpected path. My deepest condolences.

[ellies mom]

I’m so sorry for your loss.


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[California]

Oh no! I am so, so sorry this happened to your family. What an incomprehensible loss.

I think you are so smart to focus on your health. It's something that can be done one small step at a time. Be gentle on yourself as your body is going through a lot right now. Grief is physically exhausting. A hot bath, a walk around a pleasant area, gardening, making a healthy meal- all those little things count as taking care of yourself, too, on days when anything more feels like too much.

[petesgirl]

I’m so sorry. That must have been such a shock, happening so unexpectedly. I would absolutely look into grief counseling for everyone, even if you don’t feel you need it right now. Grief will follow all of you for the rest of your lives and will manifest in unexpected times and places and ways.

This isn’t urgent and I think others have given good medical advice but you may be interested in functional Medicine—using food and natural products to maintain health. Joel Fuhrman is a good resource to get started. But don’t do it until you are feeling less overwhelmed with the immediate things.

Advice to all—keep to be sure you have your marriage certificate! My parents recently needed theirs for retirement planning and couldn’t find it. The called the courthouse and they didn’t have a copy either! Our church requires a state marriage license to perform church marriages so they know they got one, but they had to jump through several hoops and go to court to get a judge to certify that they were indeed legally married in order for them to access each other’s retirement funds.

[hillview]

How very terrible -- I am so very sorry which doesn't even begin to cover it. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I echo the other suggestions of routine blood work, pap, mammogram, colonoscopy. Try to sleep and to eat as well as you can. Take care of your self. Look into life insurance if you don't already have that. Make sure your affairs are in order (estate plan, will, who the kids would live with etc). All HORRIBLE things to think about but important when you are able to manage. Ask for help. Accept help. Cry when you need to (my therapist told me the more I cried the better I'd feel when my dad died).

[musicalgrl]

So very sorry for your loss. I echo the others who have mentioned counseling if that feels right for you. Sending lots of hugs.


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[AnnieW625]

Oh no so sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs and prayers to your family.


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[smilequeen]

I’m so so sorry for your loss :(

[american_mama]

I have not been on the boards in months, and very infrequently over recent years, but I remember you. I am so sorry for your loss. I can think of two others on the boards who have lost their husbands in similar fashions.

You are doing an admirable job for your sons. Reach out here to vent or just ask someone to listen. Fast response is the strength of the internet, and you know this is a generally kind community.

Much peace and strength to you.

[hellokitty]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your doctor will know what tests and screenings you need, so it's good that you made an appointment. Let s/he know what other health concerns you have and they can also further order those tests too.

[Indianamom2]

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are really no words at a time like this other than that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[123LuckyMom]

I’m so very sorry for your loss! I couldn’t read and not respond.


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[jerseygirl07067]

I am so sorry for your loss, hugs to you and your family. My friend's husband died unexpectedly two years ago in a freak accident. She used to do the finances but then he had gotten laid off a few times so they switched roles and he wound up doing them. And then when he got a job he kept doing them and when he passed away she was kind of in the dark for a while trying to figure it all out, it was extremely stressful for her.

That is very good advice I'm thinking of you and your family

[KrisM]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[WatchingThemGrow]

my heart goes out to you. Will pray for your family for sure. It's so kind of you to think of others and warn us.

[ChicagoNDMom]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. My dear friend was widowed young with small children and she found great support from a group of women who had walked the same path. I believe it was a chapter of a national organization. I will find out the name and post.

[Melaine]

I wish I had more to offer, but I am so sorry! I will be praying for your family.

[specialp]

I'm so sorry. I was in your kids' position and my mom in yours many moons ago and I'm devastated for you. You will get through this. P&PT for your family!

If you need to take written notes of your questions, concerns, recent events, to the doctor and write notes down while there it is perfectly fine. As you know, the fog of grief keeps a million things bouncing in your head and it is hard to focus.

[janeybwild]

My thoughts are with you. To be the healthiest you, take time for you. Hugs

[BunnyBee]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[LD92599]

Just want to say how sorry i am to read this. I do want to add though to please don't get rid of your husbands' belongings quickly; my mom did (I was 18 when my dad died) and regretted it instantly. We have VERY few items of clothing left and I wish we had a few more favorites (he was known for plaid shirts!).

Health wise everyone else has already said it - mammo, heart stuff, etc.

[mom2binsd]

I would caution you not to make any major decisions, like someone said, getting rid of items etc, if needed, put things out of sight if painful.

Also, due to the stress some of your labs, and test results could be skewed, I know you feel a sense of urgency to make sure you are healthy, but take your time.

If you can, rely on one or two people to be your go to person, let them know that you may need them at anytime, I'm sure they will make sure to provide you with extra support and will be grateful you trust them to be there for you.

All of the holidays can be so difficult, and you will know how to honor and remember your dh, and include the kids in what you do (if you do stockings etc, what you want to do). Grief support groups are wonderful at navigating these milestones.

Come to this board too whenever [emoji3590].

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[gatorsmom]

I read your post a few days ago and didn’t have time to respond but I’ve been thinking about you and your family a lot these past few days. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the waves of grief and panic that must be washing over you. Please know that I’m keeping you and your family in my daily prayers and sending positive thoughts.

Dh and I had been fighting a bit lately until I heard about your Dh who is the same age as us. It made me realize how stupid all our arguments are. Many hugs to you.

[arivecchi]

I’m so sorry to hear this. How devastating. I hope you have friends and family to lean on. I’d start with a full physical and make sure you are up to date on your mammogram and paps. A skin check is a good idea too. Hope you have a lot of support IRL. Sending my love.


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[trentsmom]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. My deepest condolences to you and your children.

[CAFarmGirl]

So very very sorry. I have three friends who recently lost their husbands. They are walking this painful road with strength and grace they never knew they had, as will you. Again, so very sorry.

[KpbS]

I'm so sorry to hear this Tara!

Please do not hesitate to ask others for help for anything--kids, carpool, lawn care, advice, etc. People want to help in many ways. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[ArizonaGirl]

I couldn't read and not respond.

I have no words of wisdom, just felt the need to let you know I'm thinking of you and your kiddos.

[o_mom]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You will be in my prayers.

[Jeanne]

So sorry Tara.

[legaleagle]

I'm so very sorry, what a terrible loss for all of you. Can you foist any of the paperwork off on others? I'd try to see a lawyer sooner rather than later to help you with any paperwork resulting from his death and also getting legal documents for you. Can you possibly deputize someone to help with some of the paperwork like getting SS for you & your children?

[Globetrotter]

I’m so sorry to hear the sad news.. I agree that people will want to help out but they may not know what to do, so don’t hesitate to assign them things to do.
HUGS