How tell sister she can’t stay

[niccig]

Just getting ready for a response. I posted a while back about a huge falling out with my narcissistic mother. I’m no contact with her. My younger sister believes I’m in the wrong and must apologize to mom. I’ve told her my relationship with mum is my issue and not hers, and it doesn’t have to affect our relationship, but it has negatively affected our sibling relationship- She can’t keep them separate. The holidays are soon and I want a response if she asks to come stay. Actually, a response for asking to visit anytime. She brings far too much drama and it really stresses out DS. DH has difficult time with her too.

So what’s a short and sweet response to turn down request to stay with us??

Thanks


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[jgenie]

Sorry, that won’t work for us. Sorry, that won’t work for us. Sorry, that won’t work for us. Rinse and repeat.

[mom2binsd]

Our family won't be able to accommodate you staying with us at this time.

That's it, she knows why, and you don't owe her anymore than that.

I'm sorry she ruined the trip, especially stressing out your son!

[niccig]

Sorry, that won’t work for us. Sorry, that won’t work for us. Sorry, that won’t work for us. Rinse and repeat.

Thanks! I need to practice it


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[niccig]

Our family won't be able to accommodate you staying with us at this time.

That's it, she knows why, and you don't owe her anymore than that.

I'm sorry she ruined the trip, especially stressing out your son!

My issue is that I do try to add more to explain. You’re right, I don’t need to add anymore.

I’m no longer playing the family charade that mum’s behavior is normal. And that is very upsetting to other family members who want to keep pretending.


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[Kestrel]

If you feel you must add something, I would have ready the info for a nearby hotel or two.

[niccig]

If you feel you must add something, I would have ready the info for a nearby hotel or two.

That’s a good idea!


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[Liziz]

If you feel you must add something, I would have ready the info for a nearby hotel or two.


Wait, you're okay with her coming for Christmas, just not staying with you? Or you'd rather just have a peaceful holiday without her visiting at all? Don't offer hotels or anything other than a "no" unless you're really sure you're okay with her at your house. What happens when she shows up, ostensibly to stay in a hotel, then "they lost the reservation" or "oh, I realized you have room so I just cancelled my reservation, I hope that's okay". Does the drama of her being around really lessen if she's in your house all the time except for sleeping hours? Obviously this is your family and your sister and you know what's best -- but I've been around these boards long enough to have seen multiple posts regarding your sister and it always seems like if she's given an inch she'll take a mile. I was going to suggest a response of "we're doing Christmas without visitors this year!".

[niccig]

Wait, you're okay with her coming for Christmas, just not staying with you? Or you'd rather just have a peaceful holiday without her visiting at all? Don't offer hotels or anything other than a "no" unless you're really sure you're okay with her at your house. What happens when she shows up, ostensibly to stay in a hotel, then "they lost the reservation" or "oh, I realized you have room so I just cancelled my reservation, I hope that's okay". Does the drama of her being around really lessen if she's in your house all the time except for sleeping hours? Obviously this is your family and your sister and you know what's best -- but I've been around these boards long enough to have seen multiple posts regarding your sister and it always seems like if she's given an inch she'll take a mile. I was going to suggest a response of "we're doing Christmas without visitors this year!".

You’re right, we don’t want her to come at all this year. My family needs a break from the drama of my extended family!


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[Liziz]

You’re right, we don’t want her to come at all this year. My family needs a break from the drama of my extended family!


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Ok, then don't get any hotel suggestions ready! Make sure your response to her is very clear that she's not welcome period - not as a houseguest and not even as a staying-somewhere-else-at-night visitor! My family decided last year that we were doing Christmas "just us" last year even though we get along w/ all our family members....it was delightfully low key and relaxing and I don't regret it for a second. May yours be equally so this year!

[newnana]

My initial response was going to be the "Sorry, that won’t work for us." But Liz really brings up a good point. In this case, I would extend to "Sorry, that won’t work for us. We're celebrating just DH, DS, and I this year." I feel like saying "immediate family" she will take liberties with. No wiggle room for her to push her way in. Practice practice practice. No explanations. No additional info. Just rinse, repeat. Good luck!

[mom2binsd]

Yes, make it clear you are wanting a quite Christmas with just the 3 of you, that's it. No need to apologize or elaborate. IT's time to just take a stand.

[niccig]

My initial response was going to be the "Sorry, that won’t work for us." But Liz really brings up a good point. In this case, I would extend to "Sorry, that won’t work for us. We're celebrating just DH, DS, and I this year." I feel like saying "immediate family" she will take liberties with. No wiggle room for her to push her way in. Practice practice practice. No explanations. No additional info. Just rinse, repeat. Good luck!

If use “immediate family” meaning just us 3, she’ll get upset that she’s not family. I’ll practice, practice, practice!!


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[StantonHyde]

Yep, don't say immediate family. Don't even use family. Just say "the three of us". By now your sister is a legend on these boards. (don't worry, so is my dad:ROTFLMAO:) Practice, practice, practice. Once you get a nice Christmas, I PROMISE you, you will think--why didn't I do this earlier?????? Good luck!!! Keep coming back. We will cheer you on.

[niccig]

Yep, don't say immediate family. Don't even use family. Just say "the three of us". By now your sister is a legend on these boards. (don't worry, so is my dad:ROTFLMAO:) Practice, practice, practice. Once you get a nice Christmas, I PROMISE you, you will think--why didn't I do this earlier?????? Good luck!!! Keep coming back. We will cheer you on.

I know she is! Shows how much I complain about her!! My mum is legendary too. I used to make excuses for both of them and distance myself where I could, but the curtains been pulled back, and there’s no hiding the crazy.

DH proposed to me before he met my family.... I keep telling him that was a dumb move [emoji38]




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[StantonHyde]

The difference is---you are standing up to them and calling out the elephant in the room BEFORE it damages your own family. Kudos to you !!!

[firstbaby]

Oh, how familiar this family dynamic is to me! Reminds me when my NPD mom asked what we were doing on our anniversary a few years ago and I told her we were going hiking for a family day. She nastily replied that as far as she knew, she was part of the family but maybe not. Hopefully your sister doesn’t reach out for the holiday and you can enjoy quiet time BEFORE and during the holiday :)

[newnana]

She nastily replied that as far as she knew, she was part of the family but maybe not.

This is exactly what my mom would say if I said that we were celebrating as an immediate family. Hence sticking to the, "just the 3 of us" Immediate family seems to be such a trigger phrase for self-centered folks

[niccig]

The difference is---you are standing up to them and calling out the elephant in the room BEFORE it damages your own family. Kudos to you !!!

Not before. DS has been affected by it all. I thought I was protecting him from it and could control the limited contact. My mistake [emoji20]


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[BunnyBee]

Leave out the “sorry” and don’t over explain. IME, apologizing makes narcissists smell there’s guilt and weakness. Offering explanations makes them think they deserve an explanation because they have some decision-making input.

Do you want her to come at another time and not Christmas? “Christmas will not work. If you’ll be in town for X, we would be glad to meet up with you depending on schedules.”

[hbridge]

Do you want her to come at another time and not Christmas? “Christmas will not work. If you’ll be in town for X, we would be glad to meet up with you depending on schedules.”

That's what we do with my IL's. This year DH wants to meet at a restaurant so "we can control the start and end times".

[StantonHyde]

Not before. DS has been affected by it all. I thought I was protecting him from it and could control the limited contact. My mistake [emoji20]


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Kids are resilient--have him talk to a therapist if you feel he needs it. My kids talk to me about my dad--even with all of the boundaries, he has said and done some weird things.

[niccig]

Kids are resilient--have him talk to a therapist if you feel he needs it. My kids talk to me about my dad--even with all of the boundaries, he has said and done some weird things.

He does see a psychologist for dealing with his nerve pain disorder. I called the psychologist after the last trip so it would be discussed.


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[StantonHyde]

He does see a psychologist for dealing with his nerve pain disorder. I called the psychologist after the last trip so it would be discussed.


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So he had one "exposure" to her whacked out behavior. And you said--that's not ok, that's not normal, we will not be seeing that person again for a long time (if ever). That is wayyyy different than what you experienced. If yours is similar to mine, people swept it under the rug and when you tried to call it out, they said that you were the crazy one. My kids know that this behavior is not ok and that, while we make minimal contact, it is not something they have to put up with. Solid lesson.

[niccig]

So he had one "exposure" to her whacked out behavior. And you said--that's not ok, that's not normal, we will not be seeing that person again for a long time (if ever). That is wayyyy different than what you experienced. If yours is similar to mine, people swept it under the rug and when you tried to call it out, they said that you were the crazy one. My kids know that this behavior is not ok and that, while we make minimal contact, it is not something they have to put up with. Solid lesson.

He saw my mum for 2 weeks every year since he was a baby. I was always around, and thought I was controlling the crazy, limiting the contact. Since the argument with my mum in August, DS has told me about some interactions with her since he was 5 that have upset him. On one occasion, I was there and dealt with it, but it left a lasting impression on him. I thought I was protecting him from that, but realize now, the only way to do that is no contact.

He is dealing with it with his psychologist and he knows there is no contact. I told him she’s my mother and I will deal with her, he doesn’t have to be part of that. I’ve now extended that to my sister. And yes, everyone wants to rug sweep or make excuses for the crazy. No, you protect your family and yourself from the crazy.


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[mommy111]

He saw my mum for 2 weeks every year since he was a baby. I was always around, and thought I was controlling the crazy, limiting the contact. Since the argument with my mum in August, DS has told me about some interactions with her since he was 5 that have upset him. On one occasion, I was there and dealt with it, but it left a lasting impression on him. I thought I was protecting him from that, but realize now, the only way to do that is no contact.

He is dealing with it with his psychologist and he knows there is no contact. I told him she’s my mother and I will deal with her, he doesn’t have to be part of that. I’ve now extended that to my sister. And yes, everyone wants to rug sweep or make excuses for the crazy. No, you protect your family and yourself from the crazy.


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I am writing this not to disagree but to give you another perspective, and at the end of the day he’s your son and you know exactly what kind of an effect this has had on him.
Exposure to crazy is really damaging when there is no reality testing and no environment outside of the crazy such as happened with you when you were a kid. For your DS, he saw it, he knows it’s crazy, he has you and his counselor and he’s learning to work through it. Much as we’d like for it not to be like this, we’re exposed to people like this all the time in all our lives and learning to deal with them is valuable experience.
of course all of this is predicated on the fact that he was just exposed to weird but not abused in any way which I’m assuming since you were monitoring things so closely was the case

[niccig]

I am writing this not to disagree but to give you another perspective, and at the end of the day he’s your son and you know exactly what kind of an effect this has had on him.
Exposure to crazy is really damaging when there is no reality testing and no environment outside of the crazy such as happened with you when you were a kid. For your DS, he saw it, he knows it’s crazy, he has you and his counselor and he’s learning to work through it. Much as we’d like for it not to be like this, we’re exposed to people like this all the time in all our lives and learning to deal with them is valuable experience.
of course all of this is predicated on the fact that he was just exposed to weird but not abused in any way which I’m assuming since you were monitoring things so closely was the case

You are right. DH and my therapist say I need to stop being hard on myself up about it. He had normal life remaining 50 weeks of the year and has professional help to process it. I just wish I had taken a stand earlier. I was still pretending it could all be ok if I was careful.


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