How to forgive and move on...

[hbridge]

So I have one sibling who has been "in and out" of the family for 35 years. She finds a significant other and leaves us all behind (no contact at all) until the relationship ends and she needs something. In the 35 years since she graduated from college, I have been to her residence twice. Yet, when she decides to be part of the family, I host every holiday (and then she calls our mother and thanks her profusely for the holiday celebration at MY HOUSE). It's just the two of us and our parents are getting older. About two years ago she left the family again for a "new" guy. I guess they had a falling out with my parents, but I have NO IDEA what I did to no longer be part of her life. AND I CANNOT SEEM TO GET OVER IT! Life is so much easier without her drama, she was never really a sister to me anyway, but I cannot help but feel abandoned by her.

I have discussed this in therapy, wrote her letters that won't be sent, ranted to the dog to get my anger out; but I am still not over the pain of all of this. I do anticipate more drama from her in the future, but right now I just want to scream at her. It has been two years... HOW DO I MOVE BEYOND this so that I can find some peace?

Any suggestions?

[niccig]

I have no idea! I think it just takes time. Maybe 2 years isn’t enough time yet.

I’m not upset I’m not in contact with my mother, maybe because I’ve been working towards this for 16 years. What is upsetting is my younger sister’s behaviors, that’s more recent and I haven’t processed it all yet.


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[pinkmomagain]

Maybe a different therapy approach than your therapist is using would be helpful?

I can understand that hurt, anger, and abandonment you feel. Sounds like she's not the sister you wish she could be.

Your sister sounds like she is struggling with her own issues (attachment? self-esteem? trauma?); all this behavior ("drama") likely has more to do with her than anything you did/didn't do.

I hope you find some peace soon.

[anonomom]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've tried all of the things I would have suggested.

Has your therapist recommended that you "let the emotions in?" I used to hate it when my therapist said it and can't quite really explain what it means, but it was still helpful. Basically, it's all about acknowledging that you feel hurt/angry/sad/frustrated/confused/helpless and just sitting with those feelings. Not trying to get over it, not trying to fix it, just acknowledging that you feel that way. It all sounds very woo-woo. :-)

It's entirely possible that there is NOTHING you have done that has caused your sister to cut you off. Not that that makes it hurt less, but at least you can think of it as a "her" problem, not a "you" problem.

[mommy111]

I would dissociate what she does from what you do and go on from there
What I mean is, think of her as having a disability, which she clearly has. Like a PP mentioned, self esteem issues, attachment issues, a love junkie, who knows. Asking her to do what you want her to do is like asking someone who has lost their legs to run.....they're just not capable of doing that. You cannot be angry at them for not doing what you want them to do, they just can't. Emotional sickness is similar, we just can't see it, and your sister as you describe her is emotionally very very sick
Now comes the question of, if she is unable to thank you, do you still need to be thanked? You are hosting something to be nice, to keep the family together, to keep some contact with your only sibling, just like you would want your kids to stay in touch with each other. So is it just that she's not doing what is the right thing to do (which she can't, remember she's disabled) or is it that you need acknowledgement regardless? Because if it's the latter, and if your parents are not acknowledging what a fantastic daughter you are, then treat yourself to something really special (dinner, a massage) after you are host the family meal and tell yourself that is your reward and thank you to you for being kind, for being selfless, for being a great example to your kids and for doing something that holds the family together. :cheerleader1:

[hbridge]

I would dissociate what she does from what you do and go on from there
What I mean is, think of her as having a disability, which she clearly has. Like a PP mentioned, self esteem issues, attachment issues, a love junkie, who knows. Asking her to do what you want her to do is like asking someone who has lost their legs to run.....they're just not capable of doing that. You cannot be angry at them for not doing what you want them to do, they just can't. Emotional sickness is similar, we just can't see it, and your sister as you describe her is emotionally very very sick
Now comes the question of, if she is unable to thank you, do you still need to be thanked? You are hosting something to be nice, to keep the family together, to keep some contact with your only sibling, just like you would want your kids to stay in touch with each other. So is it just that she's not doing what is the right thing to do (which she can't, remember she's disabled) or is it that you need acknowledgement regardless? Because if it's the latter, and if your parents are not acknowledging what a fantastic daughter you are, then treat yourself to something really special (dinner, a massage) after you are host the family meal and tell yourself that is your reward and thank you to you for being kind, for being selfless, for being a great example to your kids and for doing something that holds the family together. :cheerleader1:

You are correct in all of that, however, I don't even want to be thanked for anything. Hosting the holiday is not a problem, I just wanted to have a relationship with her after she "returned" to the family 10 years ago. I have no idea how she thinks of me or what I did to not even register on her radar. I honestly believe that I don't matter at all to her, except when she needs me. In the past she has leaned on me hard and then declared that she has NO ONE, while I was standing right in front of her trying to help. I do not matter to her and I am sure she has moved on. But I feel abandoned by the one person who should always be there. We promised our grandmother when we were little that we would always be there for each other. Now she is choosing to end the relationship. I just don't understand...

There is definitely a disability of some form at play.

My problem isn't her, it's me. I cannot help but be hurt and angry. However, that is not doing anyone any good. I need to let go of that pain and anger. I just can't manage to do so.

[niccig]

I don’t think you did anything. I think you don’t register with her, not because of you or anything you did, but because of her own issues. You want a relationship with her, it doesn’t sound like she can have a relationship with anyone. You don’t understand her behavior because you don’t have the mental/emotional issues she has.

This isn’t you. It’s her.


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[mommy111]

You are correct in all of that, however, I don't even want to be thanked for anything. Hosting the holiday is not a problem, I just wanted to have a relationship with her after she "returned" to the family 10 years ago. I have no idea how she thinks of me or what I did to not even register on her radar. I honestly believe that I don't matter at all to her, except when she needs me. In the past she has leaned on me hard and then declared that she has NO ONE, while I was standing right in front of her trying to help. I do not matter to her and I am sure she has moved on. But I feel abandoned by the one person who should always be there. We promised our grandmother when we were little that we would always be there for each other. Now she is choosing to end the relationship. I just don't understand...

There is definitely a disability of some form at play.

My problem isn't her, it's me. I cannot help but be hurt and angry. However, that is not doing anyone any good. I need to let go of that pain and anger. I just can't manage to do so.
Ah, understand what’s bothering you now! But I think she may just be taking you for granted because she knows you will always be there for her. You’ve definitely kept your end of the promise to grandma :hug5:

[legaleagle]

Maybe think of this more as mourning your loss then trying to force forgiveness?

[hbridge]

Maybe think of this more as mourning your loss then trying to force forgiveness?

I wish I knew how to do that. I have been "mourning" the loss of my sister for 30 years, when she first decided to leave the family. Every 10 years or so she reappears in dire straights demanding that we help her and swearing that she has changed. Until the next guy comes along. The difference now is that we have elderly parents who cannot go through another cycle of appearing and disappearing. I probably spend 3 hours a day obsessing on this and it has to stop. I just don't know how to let it go. With a special needs child, work, and a household to run; this is crazy.

[hbridge]

Thank you all for your advice...

I have decided that the current situation is not working for ME. Therefore, I am going to change my reaction to where the relationship is at the moment. I am not completely sure what this looks like, but the "cutting off all contact" is definitely not something I am at peace with. It has left me angry and anxious. If my sister does not want to be in touch with me, that is her issue, not mine. Therefore, I am going to send her a small birthday gift and send her a Christmas Card. This may do nothing but make her angry, but that is NOT my problem. I need to find my own peace and this is the way that, I hope, will work for me. We shall see...

[candaceb]

Have you heard of/thought of EMDR therapy? It sounds crazy when you read about it but it truly changed my life on a couple of issues, one of them being my sister.
https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

[dogmom]

I think something that is worth reflecting upon is the role your feelings about your sister play in the rest of your life. Our minds are wonderful things protecting us on the moment, but short term coping can have repercussions long term. I’ve found that it’s easier for me to heap all my anger/sadness/disappointment on one thing/relation and let it the sponge that soaks up all the other doubts and troubles. I agree it might me worth exploring another therapist, but with your current or new one you might want to explore this idea.

[hbridge]

I think something that is worth reflecting upon is the role your feelings about your sister play in the rest of your life. Our minds are wonderful things protecting us on the moment, but short term coping can have repercussions long term. I’ve found that it’s easier for me to heap all my anger/sadness/disappointment on one thing/relation and let it the sponge that soaks up all the other doubts and troubles. I agree it might me worth exploring another therapist, but with your current or new one you might want to explore this idea.

Yep, this is probably part of it!

Also, looking back, I have started to realize that my sister did not get what she needed from her family. The whole thing is a huge mess that goes back to before I was even born. I hate that I am being lumped in with my parents.

But yeah, I definitely am focusing my frustration on one thing and it is not all warranted

[mommy111]

Thank you all for your advice...

I have decided that the current situation is not working for ME. Therefore, I am going to change my reaction to where the relationship is at the moment. I am not completely sure what this looks like, but the "cutting off all contact" is definitely not something I am at peace with. It has left me angry and anxious. If my sister does not want to be in touch with me, that is her issue, not mine. Therefore, I am going to send her a small birthday gift and send her a Christmas Card. This may do nothing but make her angry, but that is NOT my problem. I need to find my own peace and this is the way that, I hope, will work for me. We shall see...
:hug5:I see you are coming from a sense of great hurt. I think what you are doing is the right thing

[niccig]

Thank you all for your advice...

I have decided that the current situation is not working for ME. Therefore, I am going to change my reaction to where the relationship is at the moment. I am not completely sure what this looks like, but the "cutting off all contact" is definitely not something I am at peace with. It has left me angry and anxious. If my sister does not want to be in touch with me, that is her issue, not mine. Therefore, I am going to send her a small birthday gift and send her a Christmas Card. This may do nothing but make her angry, but that is NOT my problem. I need to find my own peace and this is the way that, I hope, will work for me. We shall see...

You have to do what feels right for you. I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with my family now that I’m estranged from my mother. My therapist says there’s no right or wrong answer, and I may change my mind how I want to deal with my family. It’s tough to figure it out. I hope you find peace with the situation.


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[StantonHyde]

I got some great advice from my therapist while dealing with a difficult family member. Your sister will never be happy with what you do. It will never be enough. So you need to decide what kind of sister you want to be independent of the acknowledgement you would hope to get. How much effort do you want to put into this? Then live up to your standards. I did that with my dad and it made a world of difference. Of course he wasn't happy with what I gave and when he voiced this, I placed more boundaries on our relationship and withdrew more. I am not going to put myself out there for someone who is going to castigate me for what I do. But I felt good about what I gave and the daughter that I was.

The other thing I think people need to remember is--yes, a person with a mental illness/personality disorder has a disability. And that helps when you interact with them-you don't expect someone in a wheelchair to walk. BUT--does the person in the wheelchair constantly roll over your foot, hit you with a baseball bat, or otherwise wound you??? No. They don't. So I am willing to handle the mental illness piece up to a point. But I am not going to stand there while they wound me and my family.

I would also like to say "good for you" for acknowledging that your sister didn't get what she needed from your parents. I have a friend who is one of 3 siblings and she is the only sane one. Her parents were not fit to raise her 2 older siblings. But they did a great job with her because her personality fit theirs. She is able to see that her parents did a poor job with her siblings, yet she loves her parents deeply and has her own relationship with them. And by now--your sister is an adult. She needs to figure out how to get what she needs from herself. I went through so.much.therapy. to dig out all of the rot created by my dad and then had to plant and grow my own nurturing self. It was hard work. But I did it. My brother eventually saw what I saw/experienced after my dad went off the deep end when our mom died. I had to acknowledge that he lost his dad when this happened--because he had a relationship with him. So it all works both ways.

Healing is not a linear process. It sounds to me like you aren't so stuck as when you started this thread. You have to keep moving "around the circle" to look at the issue in different ways, with different tools etc. It would be great if we could just go A-Z but that isn't how it works, unfortunately. Good luck to you!!