Understanding horseplay

[SAHMIL]

I am worried that my DS is more of an anomaly . He doesn’t get horseplay . He is 12. He gets mad at kids shooting nerf rival guns at his face when he’s not wearing goggles . He plays hockey though. The problem is my kid is an only child . The problem is he has grown up on a street where there are only girls and he never had kids to play with in the neighborhood . He was in play groups . He has friends at school but goes to a Catholic school . He was rarely invited over to other kids homes when he was younger. As a result his hockey former coaches perceived him to be afraid of being competitive . As a result my son feels that he has friends out to hurt him . What to do ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mnj77]

I don’t have a boy but what’s wrong with him being his gentle self? Some boys and men aren’t super competitive or aren’t into horseplay. My DH is like that. He would suck at hockey but he’s a joy to be around!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I don’t have a boy but what’s wrong with him being his gentle self? Some boys and men aren’t super competitive or aren’t into horseplay. My DH is like that. He would suck at hockey but he’s a joy to be around!

100% agree.

I have 2 boys and they’ve never been into playing like that. We don’t have stereotypical boys (more back when they were preschoolers but that didn’t stick around long term).
The only thing I’d encourage your kiddo to do is understand that some kids just play that way and he can decide if he wants to hang with them or not. My boys have always found their people. Not all boys are the same and that’s a good thing! It’d be pretty dull otherwise.



Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[DualvansMommy]

Not sure I’m understanding your post, is it that you want to teach him to understand the difference between real foul play to horseplay? Or that you feel him having a lack of boy friends growing up is causing him to not understand horseplay?

Is he really into hockey now? I seem to recall there was a thread from you on the hockey issues with your son. I’m a mom of 2 boys and they’re very different. One is more cautious and a thinker whereas the other is more rough and tumble and jumps in blindly into everything. Both love sports, just different types so far to suit their personalities. And my kids are still very young so it’s really anyone guess as to what they’ll develop over the years.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[PZMommy]

Neither of my boys are into sports. However, I have one who is very cautious and over thinks everything. He is not at all rough and tumble, and has been that way his whole life. My younger DS is fearless, and he would join in on any game if it looked like fun. He is much more rough and tumble and has the scars to prove it! I don't think there is anything wrong with either one. It is just their personality.

[smilequeen]

I have 3 boys, no girls. None of them would tolerate being shot in the face with a nerf gun without the mask or goggles. My boys are not particularly rough and tumble either. They are sweet and kind and gentle. They all play hockey too...my oldest is quite good at it, yet they are still sweet and kind and gentle. Boys don't have to be rough. He can be who he wants to be.

[khm]

Neither my son or my daughter has ever been very horseplay-y. I clearly remember walking by a neighbor's house where 2 of their triplets (a boy and a girl) were wrestling, kicking and punching-play in front yard. My oldest (daughter) was their age (I'm gonna say around 8-9 years old, and my son around 6-7). My kids were just boggled. It has never been their mode of play.

When all the neighbor boys were SUUUUUPER into "play" tackle football, my son would nope right on out and come home. He's just plain never been into rough-housing. I has at times made me sad because I would feel he was missing out or that he was different, but, it just is what it is. Looking back, there's just nothing we could have done to encourage that type of play, it just wasn't in either of my kiddos.

[KpbS]

Horseplay is just an extension of that silly, slap happy state of goofing off that most kids do when they get either really hyped up or tired or both. Horseplay is just more physical play, not just laughing loudly and being silly, it's running, jumping, scrambling around and many kids think it is super fun. It's fine that yours does not, but he does need to understand that many (most?) kids want to play that way at least SOME of the time, and those situations will just keep on happening through college at least. He doesn't have to be part of it, but he can choose to do so. Horseplay does not have to involve someone getting hurt, sometimes it does end in that, but not always. And while getting shot in the face or anywhere at close range isn't awesome, it isn't the end of the world either.

[georgiegirl]

My boys are very rough. Lots of wrestling and tackle sports in our living room and backyard. (They don’t play any rough sports...only swim team.) Just today, DS1 (10) has a friend over and they were playing football in the basement with Ds2 (6), and I ran down because I heard so much screaming and banging. I asked if everyone was okay and having fun, and all three looked at me and said yes. And then they went back to tackling each other. However, often someone gets hurt (not seriously), but it sounds like the case with most parents of boys. But then they begin again once the injured party feels fine. I’ve spent a lot of time screaming “stop touching each other” and “no wrestling” over the past 5 years. DD (13) sometimes engages in rough play with her brothers, but she is waaaaaaaay bigger than them.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[JBaxter]

Mine have always played hard but it’s not mean spirited We’ve had a couple broken or sprained limbs I think 3 trips for stitches some boys are wired more rambunctious some aren’t It seems they seem to cluster together. None of my 4 have ever worn goggles for nerf wars I didn’t know it was even a thing actually.

[Globetrotter]

Ds hated to be sprayed with water unless he was in control of the situation, and I don’t think he would enjoy what you describe. Who would enjoy being shot in the face with a nerf gun??
He has an older sister and grew up around girls, and I think it’s just his way- I can’t see him as a macho guy, though he played sports, too. Nothing wrong with that!

[niccig]

Our neighbor police sergeant dad had a rule for nerf battles - goggles and no head shots, and that carried over to other houses.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[squimp]

I also think it's important perhaps for you to re-think or re-frame what the problem is. The problem is not that he's an only child or that he lived on the street only with girls. I would want to better understand what he thinks the problem is. My daughter is an only, and over the years she has gotten frustrated with friends who are more rambunctious or whom she perceives as poorly behaved. In some cases, she might be right, but most of the time these kids are just different from her. Over time, she has just learned to tune some of those kids out. Boys are different, but I do know a number of really sensitive boys (in the best way) who are really good athletes. Their parents help them navigate.

I would really try to talk with him about his thoughts that his friends or teammates are out to get him. Perhaps try to discuss with him what the coach would like to see. I don't have a boy, but some girls in sports can be really ruthless too, we have had a few teammates who end up getting really upset with those more competitive and horseplay loving girls. Sometimes the coach doesn't see it. Perhaps there is a way he can remove himself from those situations when he feels super uncomfortable, and maybe he could strategize with you about whether he should talk to the coach.

[dogmom]

Here’s my take about “horseplay” and older kids. At some point they got to age out of it because it becomes less tolerated and more problematic. Getting shot in the face isn’t “the end of the world” as one person says, but I don’t think anyone should have to put up with it if they don’t want to. I guess my question is who cares if he doesn’t like horseplay. (Please note “horseplay” becomes a cover for bad behavior after puberty.) My 16 left sports not because he was a “wimp”, but he just got tired of the kids that were still playing team sports by 8th grade and how they interacted off the field. It became not a good fit for him.

I’m unclear if he still plays sports. But there’s a lot of sports that might be a better match for him that hockey. Something like martial arts might be a better bet on some ways because it’s centered on rules, control and individual achievement.

I think you have to figure out what your family values are and figure out if this even an issue for your family. Wouldn’t be in mine.

[SAHMIL]

My ds still plays hockey . But sometimes with him and his friends it’s like he can’t tell the difference between malicious intent and just horseplay .

My kid thought kids who are annoying are bullies . They are’nt . They are just annoying . They aren’t being malicious when they make animal sounds in class etc . But he got in trouble in 4th grade and learned that bullying is not what he thought it was when he said what he said to them to get them to stop .

We recently had an issue at practice where goalie cross checked him in the neck and I told him to go talk with the coach. He talked with him and learned goalies can cross check if players get in front of them and block their vision and that the goalie won’t do that ever again but he has to understand what will happen if that happens and if he can’t take it he should not play hockey .

At a tournament my son who never has issues with friends decided he would not play ding dong ditch with the other kids , commendable , but when he went to the room where kids were playing shinny , a kid smaller than he is put him in a headlock and took him out of the room and shut the door so he walked away and went back to the room and did nothing but stay on the Xbox playing Fortnite the whole time . Told him Xbox not coming to the next one .

As a result he’s not liking his coach who makes him take responsibility for his actions , and doesn’t feel like his team respects him . No one is passing to him in games etc and my kid is a good player . Hockey is the only sport he really likes and enjoys .

At a sleepover he and a couple of his friends got into horseplay . I got a call from him about a kid hitting him in the head . After talking with one of the parents , I learned my ds triggered the kid because he kept hitting him with a pillow over and over .

So how do I teach my kid the difference between malicious behavior and not malicious ?
He really needs to learn action - reaction imo . And he better learn to take it if he is going to dish it out



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SnuggleBuggles]

One of ds1's friends was like your kiddo. Part of it was that he just didn't really understand social clues well and they put him in social skills classes. He was younger than your kiddo. The school was able to facilitate it and it definitely helped. But, at the end of the day there are just kids that don't mesh at all. And that's ok.
However, it sounds like this team is a really bad fit (not just from this post but from your other ones). I'd look for a new team, take a break for a while or try a new sport.
Where were the chaperones on the trip? Sounds like they could stand to have someone who is trying to provide more team building and less unsupervised time. Ding dong ditch? Obnoxious. Physically excluding your kid is super sucky. But, maybe there is another kid around that he could have played video games with? Doesn't have to be Fortnite- get a great 2 player game and let him take his XBox to find that one kid that might be more similar to him to hang with. My kid is sporty but he doesn't really like hanging out with the "sporty" kids at school. If your whole hockey team is of the 'sporty" kid variety, I can see why he can't figure it out. As a mom without kids like that, I know I wouldn't know what to do with all that energy. :)
If you are the one pushing hockey, just take a break. They might just not be his people on that team and he deserves to find a group of kids that fit better if he has to spend a lot of time with them. Try some video game design classes, maker space activities and other STEM type stuff that might pull from a different crowd (or even the same one but the setting won't be set up for rough and tumble so you'll see a different side of some kids).
I don't necessarily think the problem is your kiddo not understanding them but I do think some of it is. He doesn't know the line and how to tell when it gets crossed. Ask a school counselor about social skills' classes and if they would be a good fit.
Good luck!!

[TwinFoxes]

I think a social skills class would help. The fact that he thinks it's okay for him to hit someone over and over with a pillow and then gets upset when he gets hit shows he needs help navigating interactions.

People throw the term "bullying" around so much, I'm not surprised that your DS is confused about actually constitutes bullying.

[SAHMIL]

I think the term bullying is so overused sometimes that it has lost its meaning .


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AngB]

I think a social skills class would help. The fact that he thinks it's okay for him to hit someone over and over with a pillow and then gets upset when he gets hit shows he needs help navigating interactions.

People throw the term "bullying" around so much, I'm not surprised that your DS is confused about actually constitutes bullying.

Agreed with this!