How to help twice exceptional kids at school

[georgiegirl]

Ds2 (6) is super bright, but he’s socially and emotionally immature, has sensory issues, and suffers from anxiety. We redshirted him (mid/late August birthday) because of the social/emotional deficits. Everyday he says he hates school. He says he’s bored and he has issues with one particular kid. We were able to get him single grade acceleration for math, which he likes, but he is “so so bored” during the literacy/language arts block (his reading level is about early second grade). The bigger issue is that he fights frequently with a certain kid in his class (who I’m pretty sure is a behavior problem in general...DS1 volunteers in that class twice a week and he reports that particular child has behavior issues). DS2 reports that this kid follows him around at recess and then hits, kicks, or punches him. Sometimes Ds2 reports it to an adult and sometimes he doesn’t. I’ve been emailing the teacher about Ds’s problems with this kid for a week, and I emailed the school counselor yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon the boys got into a fight at recess where they attacked each other and both got in trouble. It was a rough day for DS because there was a sub in his classroom and he can’t handle chaos. He needs everything to be very structured and he needs all the kids to behave in order for him to be successful in the classroom. And when he’s overwhelmed (sensory), he acts out because he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. He does have those peltor ear muffs, and he wears those on the bus (he was freaking out on the bus before we figured out he needed ear muffs.). His teacher is great and she’s very understanding. I just don’t know how to get DS the help he needs. Clearly he has no educational deficits, and two years ago he did OT (until we discovered out insurance wasn’t covering it), and he went to play therapy last fall (not that helpful.). He’s a super easy and sweet kid when he’s alone with an adult, but a terror when he’s placed in a chaotic situation with lots of kids. He does have friends and can play well with 1-2 kids at a time. FWIW, he did very well in TK last year. It was a catholic school with 15 kids and 2 teachers in the room.

Any ideas about what I can do to help him?


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[KpbS]

Well, I think he would thrive in a different setting. Back at the Catholic school or perhaps homeschooling. School is such a huge factor of a kids’ life and if that fit isn’t right, it will have long term effects in and out of school.

[Philly Mom]

Have you thought about/discussed pushing him up a grade? They may be able to do better acceleration and he would not be so bored. It may help. It is hard with kids on the bubble age wise. A friend was told by the school district during testing when she was going to hold back her August DS who emotionally seemed young and appeared to her to have ADHD, to not hold him back. Turned out the kid was so gifted that many of the behaviors they saw were out of boredom. Some were because of age. But they also pointed out that some kids will be loners/true introverts and on the outskirts by choice, and another year will not change that. She realized that her husband is actually like that, and so pushed her kid ahead. He is doing well in third grade.

[georgiegirl]

Have you thought about/discussed pushing him up a grade? They may be able to do better acceleration and he would not be so bored. It may help. It is hard with kids on the bubble age wise. A friend was told by the school district during testing when she was going to hold back her August DS who emotionally seemed young and appeared to her to have ADHD, to not hold him back. Turned out the kid was so gifted that many of the behaviors they saw were out of boredom. Some were because of age. But they also pointed out that some kids will be loners/true introverts and on the outskirts by choice, and another year will not change that. She realized that her husband is actually like that, and so pushed her kid ahead. He is doing well in third grade.

It’s something to think about. I just want him to enjoy school, both academically and socially. He has always played better with kids his age or younger. TK was great because it was all kids with summer birthdays.


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[mom2binsd]

A tough situation, as he is around younger kids who may be quite a bit behind his cognitive skills, especially if he's bright and the classroom work is probably boring.

I agree with looking at placing him in the appropriate age grade may help, also if he's around kids his age or older maybe that will be a positive experience for him.

I would work with the school special Ed team to see what suggestions they have in place.

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[Philly Mom]

It’s something to think about. I just want him to enjoy school, both academically and socially. He has always played better with kids his age or younger. TK was great because it was all kids with summer birthdays.


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I have an august birthday kid and am close friends with boy/girl July birthday twins. All three went on time and I cannot imagine how boring school would be if they were held. The boy struggles a bit socially but I think it is probable he would regardless. He isn't sporty. He plays great with my younger daughter. At the end of the day, I think all three rose to the occasion. I have no idea what it will look like in the true puberty years. Maybe then, once everyone else has caught up to their reading/math abilities, the social piece will require something different, but for now, being in the higher grade is more interesting and makes school better.

[georgiegirl]

I have an august birthday kid and am close friends with boy/girl July birthday twins. All three went on time and I cannot imagine how boring school would be if they were held. The boy struggles a bit socially but I think it is probable he would regardless. He isn't sporty. He plays great with my younger daughter. At the end of the day, I think all three rose to the occasion. I have no idea what it will look like in the true puberty years. Maybe then, once everyone else has caught up to their reading/math abilities, the social piece will require something different, but for now, being in the higher grade is more interesting and makes school better.

My middle child has a mid-July birthday and I sent him on time. He’s in 5th grade now and doing fine. But Ds2 would not have been able to handle K last year. His preschool teachers (at the elementary school) thought he would have daily meltdowns because of the chaos and transitions. He struggled in preschool socially and emotionally. But last year in TK, he did great. I think because the class size was small and it was sooooo structured.

But I will ask his teacher, the gifted teacher, and the counselor what they think of putting him in first grade.


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[KpbS]

But if he has social and emotional deficits that make him younger than the first grade class in addition to anxiety and sensory issues, being in a first grade classroom isn't going to help those issues. His anxiety and sensory issues will be heightened and more apparent being with peers that are not on his same level of social and emotional maturity.

He needs a more structured educational environment, regardless of the grade material presented.

[MSWR0319]

Can your school offer him sensory/OT services? With a diagnosis of anxiety and sensory issues, he may qualify for a 504. DS1 had sensory issues and after talking with the OT at school, she set him up to go to the sensory room once a day. He went about half way through, and for him the swing was calming. So he'd swing and it would help ease his anxiety and stress and the rest of the day was better. He presented his anxiety/sensory overload with meltdowns once he got home. OT helped so much at school. He also had a weighted thing he put around his neck in class if he needed it. Are there things your son could use in class that help calm him? Wiggle seat, fidget items, etc. What has the teacher said about the other kid? Maybe if they could solve the problems he's having with that child, he'd enjoy school more. Is there another teacher that may be more structured?

Given the issues, I don't think moving him up is going to help the situation at this point. Hopefully the school will offer some options to help him.

[georgiegirl]

Can your school offer him sensory/OT services? With a diagnosis of anxiety and sensory issues, he may qualify for a 504. DS1 had sensory issues and after talking with the OT at school, she set him up to go to the sensory room once a day. He went about half way through, and for him the swing was calming. So he'd swing and it would help ease his anxiety and stress and the rest of the day was better. He presented his anxiety/sensory overload with meltdowns once he got home. OT helped so much at school. He also had a weighted thing he put around his neck in class if he needed it. Are there things your son could use in class that help calm him? Wiggle seat, fidget items, etc. What has the teacher said about the other kid? Maybe if they could solve the problems he's having with that child, he'd enjoy school more. Is there another teacher that may be more structured?

Given the issues, I don't think moving him up is going to help the situation at this point. Hopefully the school will offer some options to help him.

I have no idea what kind of sensory services they have at school. He doesn’t have any official diagnoses. We did OT for his sensory issues when he was 4 for two months, but it wasn’t covered under our insurance, so we stopped. (This was back when he wouldn’t touch anything wet/dirty like finger paints or slime, but he’s okay with that now...maybe not finger paint, but he doesn’t freak when he gets mud on his hand.). Last year, he saw a play therapist who said all of his issues were anxiety related (I was wondering if was in the spectrum, but she didn’t think so...just anxiety). I signed up to have him evaluated at a gifted center that also evaluates 2e kids. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I think it takes about 6 months to get the appointment. So I’d get firm diagnoses there. I had the school district evaluate him last fall, but they thought he was perfect...he plays very well with adults. And they observed him at school, and he was good there too. He can be sweet and funny and smart when around adults, but then when a kid makes faces at him and won’t stop, he completely loses his $hit.


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[Snow mom]

I wonder if there would be a better fit classroom for him? Not that his teacher isn't a great teacher, just that her classroom style may not fit his needs. My DD has a lot of the traits you describe and it took me a while to realize what she needs most in a classroom is a teacher that can fully manage the class. She needs rigid rules which are consistently enforced so she can focus on herself. She's gotten better over the years (now in 5th) but she is a rule follower and very distracted by others not doing what they should. When she was in K/1st she couldn't help but try to enforce the classroom rules and it wasn't a good situation for anyone. I'd think about what types of environments your DS does best in and see if there is a classroom which might better offer that.

That classroom might be 1st grade as others have suggested. If there is a 1st grade classroom which offers more stability plus appropriate academics then I'd consider it. 1st grade academics, more mature peers (who hopefully better regulate themselves therefore push your DS's buttons less), and pull out for social/emotional/regulatory services is what I would push for.

[mmsmom]

You need to have him evaluated by the school district for gifted services. Usually school districts will not accept outside evaluations so you will be wasting your time there. Usually schools don’t evaluate for gifted kids until 2nd grade but you can request it now. It also sounds like he needs to be re-evaluated for sensory issues and OT services which hopefully would result in a 504. The fact that he is getting in fights should be enough for another evaluation. If you plan to keep him in public school you need to start to figure out how the school can meet his needs.

[Percycat]

You might find the MindMatters podcast and facebook group helpful. Emily Kircher-Morris was one of my son's teachers and has helped my daughter as a counselor:
https://www.mindmatterspodcast.com/

I have older 2e children and can share our experience. I think it is wonderful you were able to get subject matter acceleration. Please think carefully if considering grade skipping. If your son has emotional and social maturity delays, these will be compounded if he is placed in a class with older children. We were fortunate that our school had a special program for exceptionally gifted children that provided full time core class acceleration in small classes with other exceptionally gifted children and push-in to regular classrooms for specials, lunch, recess, and parties. This worked great for elementary school --- but created a problem when the children went to middle school and high school: the children were academically ready for classes one to three grades ahead of other students and were now placed in classes with children 2 to 4 years older then them.... yet, my son is still behind in social maturity and executive function. DS has a 504 for ADD, but things are still challenging. In two subject areas (English and History) we slowed him down in middle school: The school district created a special seminar English class for the accelerated exceptionally gifted kids in 8th grade to let them continue developing language skills without having to advance to high school; the school let him take an extra elective instead of history in 7th grade to slow him down in history. We didn't have any issues explaining this to our son.... but, the conversation that we were slowing him down/holding him back could have been traumatic.

My daughter is 2e with dyslexia and ADD. We did a terrible job advocating for her in elementary school. By the time she was in 4th and 5th grade, she was failing her classes, had terrible self esteem, no friends, and was pulling her eyelashes. We sent her to a wonderful private school that specializes in remediating high ability children with learning disabilities. She is now doing fantastic in public high school with an IEP. She is taking honors math and honors social studies, but also has a support class. At some point, I hope she will be able to give up her support class, but right now she still needs it.

Check your area to see if there are any parent advocacy groups or services. We have two groups that provide free education to parents and will come with you to school 504 or IEP meetings. I didn't know about these or understand the value of these services when we were trying to help our children.

I would also talk to a principal about the bullying. My DS was bullied in 4th grade. I talked to the principal and she took immediate action. She met with the boys individually and as a group and assigned my son a friend to play with during recess. Fortunately, her actions were effective and the problem stopped.

And, I would continue talking to your son about the importance of him being able to explain to his teachers what he needs or talk to teachers when he has a problem. Learning self advocacy is an extremely important skill.

[mom2binsd]

I am unsure if the anxiety component, which seems to be probably something that affects a lot of other areas, is being addressed? I do not have experience with anxiety in children, but am sure others here can chime in. Definitely sit down with the team at school to address all of the concerns, and see what type of options they suggest, it's hard to know as each school is so different and what you family can do as well (some say homeschool, for many this is not an option, nor is private school for many).

[bisous]

I have just a minute and can't address all your concerns as well as they deserve to be considered. I just wanted to offer a thought. I think K is a really tricky age for kids--especially exceptional ones. Although I know rug sitting and rotating through "centers" is instituted to help kids be allowed to wiggle, these were really tricky for my busy kids. My oldest DS1 has ADHD and K was excruciating for him. A couple of things changed that really helped him and he's been successful at school since the 2nd grade. Additionally, K has a tiny curriculum. Letters learning, and sounds, and super basic math and that's about it! So some kids do get bored in K!

So we did pull him for K and I feel good about that decision. It really allowed us to do two things. First, it removed him from an environment that he just could not be successful in. And second, it gave him time to be diagnosed and medicated for his ADHD and once that happened things were much, much easier.

I really do think that in many ways 1st grade is "easier" for some kids. Less transitioning for one thing but in your DS's case (though not in mine) the curriculum for 1st grade is enormous whereas it is so tiny for K. Kids in 1st run the gamut from learning to blend to reading Harry Potter. It would be much less boring for him. The question is how to get him there. I didn't want to accelerate my DS1 because I knew socially he was much better off with younger kids. It sounds like your DS is like that as well.

The secret is how to get him to 1st with his love of learning and self-esteem intact? I don't know the answer there. Homeschooling was amazing for us but I know that isn't the secret for everyone. Do you have access to a really different kind of program? One that will engage his love of learning and will allow him to reset his year so he can reenter public school next year in 1st grade enthusiastic and energized?

Good luck, OP!

[StantonHyde]

Just to add--our school district does take evaluations from certain outside providers. You have to check first to see who those providers are but they will take them. Having your child evaluated by the school here is a joke. They will do anything not to provide services. Your district might be much better.

It sounds like your DS needs therapy and you need parent coaching on how to support him with the sensory issues. My DS has big time anxiety and ADD issues and some sensory issues as well. Therapy helped him and helped me know what to suggest for the classroom.

Can your DS wear head phones during the day? Can his desk be placed in an isolated spot at the front of the room? OT can be really helpful and you may be able to get that through the school district. (My DD for example was able to get speech therapy 1x a week at her private school from the school district--there were a couple of kids in the group)

I would be sorely tempted to put him back in the school where he was successful. I have had kids in 2 different schools for 12 years--and just this year are they able to drive/take the bus themselves. Otherwise, I have done 2 drop offs and pickups because each child needed a different school to succeed.

[gatorsmom]

I have no idea what kind of sensory services they have at school. He doesn’t have any official diagnoses. We did OT for his sensory issues when he was 4 for two months, but it wasn’t covered under our insurance, so we stopped. (This was back when he wouldn’t touch anything wet/dirty like finger paints or slime, but he’s okay with that now...maybe not finger paint, but he doesn’t freak when he gets mud on his hand.). Last year, he saw a play therapist who said all of his issues were anxiety related (I was wondering if was in the spectrum, but she didn’t think so...just anxiety). I signed up to have him evaluated at a gifted center that also evaluates 2e kids. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I think it takes about 6 months to get the appointment. So I’d get firm diagnoses there. I had the school district evaluate him last fall, but they thought he was perfect...he plays very well with adults. And they observed him at school, and he was good there too. He can be sweet and funny and smart when around adults, but then when a kid makes faces at him and won’t stop, he completely loses his $hit.


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I could have written this post about my DS3. Right down to us buying OT for DS before he had a diagnosis. Right down to the anxiety, needing headphones on the bus, it tolerating crowds, and not qualifying for school aid. The school said he was bright and well- behaved and nothings wrong with him.

Fast forward 4 years and we took him for a neuropsych evaluation. Turns out he had ADHD. It’s so debilitating for him that we never give him a medicine break. He takes it everyday. Along with Prozac for his anxiety. My DS also has sensory processing disorder. He started preschool in a class of 24 kids and 2 teachers but he didn’t handle that well. It was just too chaotic for him. Now he is in a very structured private school in a class of 7 kids and 1 teacher. He loves it. He’s thriving, has friends in several grades (all the kids mix and play together at recess), has a girl friend (who he says is as sweet as a 1000 cupcakes), and gets all A’s. It was a long process to get to this point though and the private school teachers and staff were patient and amazing. As we were trying out ADHD medications his teacher would email me daily and tell me how he was doing. A couple of his teachers used to give him strong shoulder hugs when he was getting fidgety in the afternoon and the pressure would calm him down. Getting him in to see a good therapist was important too. She helped me solve a lot of issues.

All this to say, keep working at it, trying new things and asking questions here. Being bored frequently is a symptom of ADHD. My DS3 says he’s bored all the time. He has read through all the books in our house until he recently discovered a box of my parents old encyclopedias. Now he’s reading them one by one. If your son does have ADHD, moving him to a higher grade level won’t help him. Just give him a lot of things to do. Get him library books, games, puzzles, and leave them setting around the house. Get a neuropsych eval and be open to different solutions and medications. Be open to moving him to a different, smaller school. And find his currency to help curb the difficult behavior.

HTH AND best of luck!

[georgiegirl]

So I just got a call from the assistant principal that Ds2 got into a fight with that same boy at recess. I told her about all of Ds’s issues (sensory and anxiety) and we have a meeting set up in less than 2 weeks to come up with a 504 plan for him. She’s sending home paperwork in his backpack today. I’m glad the school is so responsive. They are going to evaluate him and try to figure out how to best help him.


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[Philly Mom]

So I just got a call from the assistant principal that Ds2 got into a fight with that same boy at recess. I told her about all of Ds’s issues (sensory and anxiety) and we have a meeting set up in less than 2 weeks to come up with a 504 plan for him. She’s sending home paperwork in his backpack today. I’m glad the school is so responsive. They are going to evaluate him and try to figure out how to best help him.


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That's a great response. I also agree with the others who suggested that you look into therapy for anxiety. It may help. Kindergarten and 1st I think are the two hardest years for advance academic kids. It's boring and there is not enough time spent on the social bit that many kids probably more than the academic. Keep us posted.

[MSWR0319]

So I just got a call from the assistant principal that Ds2 got into a fight with that same boy at recess. I told her about all of Ds’s issues (sensory and anxiety) and we have a meeting set up in less than 2 weeks to come up with a 504 plan for him. She’s sending home paperwork in his backpack today. I’m glad the school is so responsive. They are going to evaluate him and try to figure out how to best help him.


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I'm glad to hear they're taking it seriously. I hope you can get some things worked out to help him.

[bisous]

That was a good fast response! That’s a really good sign. Hope things change very soon!

[mmsmom]

I am so glad they see he has things he needs help with vs punishing the fighting. Hope you are able to get some strategies in place to help him enjoy school more.

[sunnyside]

Similar situation here. I ended up pulling to homeschool. I recommend getting an a developmental pediatrician to guide you. The testing will help too. I redshirted my July bday girl for social reasons, too, and she wouldn't do well being pushed up grade, especially once middle school hits. I had the same issue with some of the testing though. It can tease out some things, but my daughter also was perfectly behaved during testing. She thrives in a one on one situation like that where the tester is giving her little tasks to perform.
Her official dxs are anxiety, developmental coordination disorder (also known as dyspraxia), sensory processing disorder, convergence insufficiency, Tourette syndrome, and she didn't quite meet criteria for inattentive ADHD, but we do suspect it. 99th percentile verbal IQ... So she was also pretty bored with school.

Keep us posted. I know it is such a challenge. I will say that OT made a big difference for her.

[georgiegirl]

So I emailed DS2’s teacher from last year (who we loved so much) and explained the situation and asked for her input. She said I was right and he had absolutely no behavior problems last year. She said she thinks this other kid has figured out how to push DS’s buttons and that DS isn’t reacting well. And that because there are so many kids in the room and transitions going on, the teacher probably isn’t picking up on it. (FWIW, his teacher from last year has taught for 20+ years and is absolutely amazing.). Her main recommendation would be to pair DD with similarly advanced kids in everything so he doesn’t get frustrated. She did that last year because she noticed he sometimes got frustrated by kids who didn’t understand stuff or didn’t know the answers as quickly as he did. (From DS1 I know the kid who DS2 has a problem with is still learning his letter sounds. DS1 is in 5th grade and goes to DS1’s class twice a week to help his who need extra help.)

I’m planning on forwarding the email to DS’s teacher and assistant principal.