How do I get out of this lunch?

[MSWR0319]

Bear with me. This is a bit of a story. So Friend A invited me to lunch with her and Friend B, I didn't fully accept but did say that I didn't think I had anything going on. I haven't seen either friend in a while for lunch dates because of Friend C. About 6 months ago Friend C invited me to lunch so we could "talk". She didn't want to talk. She wanted to yell at me and say horrible things to me for 3 hours. Locked me in a room at her church. As in, things no one should ever say to another human. I should have left, but I don't like to be rude and was trying to explain to her that things she was perceiving to be real weren't. I cried all day because I was so bother by what she said. Turns out Friend C is a big bully and is having some tough things go on in her life and somehow was finding fault with every single thing about me. Mind you we've been friend for quite awhile. Not close friends, but friends that I felt comfortable going to lunch with her in the group, etc. We could sit at events that our kids were in and chat. Since this event I have avoided spending time with her and this group of friends because I don't know what Friend C has told them. Friend C told me things that she claims people said about me which I later found out were not true. So I don't know what Friend A & Friend B know about the situation and if what they do know is really the truth.

So, I got a text that Friend A has now invited Friend C to lunch as well. I am not going. No way. I seriously think I have some PTSD from the experience and I just don't want to spend my lunch being nervous and anxious that something I say innocently could be perceived the wrong way. I can't be myself around her and it will not be enjoyable. So how do get out of this? What do I say? I can tell Friend A is starting to wonder why I'm ignoring her invitations to things but I don't want to tell her why. That's not nice.

[janeybwild]

Honestly,I think you need to come clean without going into details. “Friend c and I have had a disagreement, and are not on lunch date terms so I won’t be co I got the planned lunch. I haven’t wanted to put you and B in the middle of it but wasn’t sure how to manage that. I realize that not responding to your invitations is not ok and I’m sorry for that. I’ve enjoyed our friendship. Perhaps we can make another lunch date to reconnect.”

[MSWR0319]

Honestly,I think you need to come clean without going into details. “Friend c and I have had a disagreement, and are not on lunch date terms so I won’t be co I got the planned lunch. I haven’t wanted to put you and B in the middle of it but wasn’t sure how to manage that. I realize that not responding to your invitations is not ok and I’m sorry for that. I’ve enjoyed our friendship. Perhaps we can make another lunch date to reconnect.”

This is what I've been thinking about for awhile but I didn't want to even mention Friend C because I was afraid they'd perceive that as gossipy and then go tell her I said something about her, which she would in turn yell at me again for talking about her.

[Philly Mom]

Honestly,I think you need to come clean without going into details. “Friend c and I have had a disagreement, and are not on lunch date terms so I won’t be co I got the planned lunch. I haven’t wanted to put you and B in the middle of it but wasn’t sure how to manage that. I realize that not responding to your invitations is not ok and I’m sorry for that. I’ve enjoyed our friendship. Perhaps we can make another lunch date to reconnect.”

I agree with this. Otherwise, you create other problems.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[KpbS]

....She didn't want to talk. She wanted to yell at me and say horrible things to me for 3 hours. Locked me in a room at her church. As in, things no one should ever say to another human....

Are you serious?!? Who does this? Locking you in a room is false imprisonment. I'm sorry she is/was going through a difficult time, but that is not an excuse for behaving this way. I would never be around her ever again. She sounds ill.

[twowhat?]

This is what I've been thinking about for awhile but I didn't want to even mention Friend C because I was afraid they'd perceive that as gossipy and then go tell her I said something about her, which she would in turn yell at me again for talking about her.

Who cares?? Friend C is toxic and you don’t need to spend any time around her ever again. What she did was so awful I wouldn’t even try to make any excuses...I would actually be even a little more truthful: “Friend C has repeatedly accused me of things that aren’t true, we had a terrible long argument that made me feel very uncomfortable, and at this point I honestly need to just remove myself from the situation so I’m sorry to pass on lunch but hope that I can catch up with you and Friend B another time.”

[Philly Mom]

Who cares?? Friend C is toxic and you don’t need to spend any time around her ever again. What she did was so awful I wouldn’t even try to make any excuses...I would actually be even a little more truthful: “Friend C has repeatedly accused me of things that aren’t true, we had a terrible long argument that made me feel very uncomfortable, and at this point I honestly need to just remove myself from the situation so I’m sorry to pass on lunch but hope that I can catch up with you and Friend B another time.”

This is good too.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[belovedgandp]

I've been there and yes, just lay it out there. I'd go for the blunter terms. It is not gossip if it is true. You experienced it and it is dictating your actions now. Sucks.

[TwinFoxes]

Who cares?? Friend C is toxic and you don’t need to spend any time around her ever again. What she did was so awful I wouldn’t even try to make any excuses...I would actually be even a little more truthful: “Friend C has repeatedly accused me of things that aren’t true, we had a terrible long argument that made me feel very uncomfortable, and at this point I honestly need to just remove myself from the situation so I’m sorry to pass on lunch but hope that I can catch up with you and Friend B another time.”

I totally agree.

How does someone get locked in a church and yelled at for three hours? You have got to learn to protect yourself. There's a difference between being rude and removing yourself from a harmful situation.

[DualvansMommy]

I totally agree.

How does someone get locked in a church and yelled at for three hours? You have got to learn to protect yourself. There's a difference between being rude and removing yourself from a harmful situation.

Yes! I would tell A and B how it went down. You need to protect yourself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[div_0305]

I totally agree.

How does someone get locked in a church and yelled at for three hours? You have got to learn to protect yourself. There's a difference between being rude and removing yourself from a harmful situation.


:yeahthat: I can't get past that part of the OP....but, agree with the first reply wholeheartedly.

[Globetrotter]

Given the circumstances, I don’t think you need to be politically correct here. I would just tell the truth and totally avoid C. Based on your anecdote, I have to wonder if there’s some mental health issues going on… Doesn’t sound normal to me to rage like that.

[MSWR0319]

Thank you all for your replies! I just sent Friend A a text and told her that Friend C has made it very clear that she has problems with me and that I feel more comfortable just having lunch with Friend A and B. I will tell them what happened if they ask.

I really think she has some type of mental issue, as she never used to be like this. Shortly after "the incident" I was in a meeting where she was present along with one of my very close friends that knew the situation. My friend came over afterwards because she was so shocked at how C acted at the meeting. C was yelling and interrupting anytime someone would try to talk, and bulling (not using this term lightly) others at the meeting to feel the way she felt on an issue. We had to decompress and my friend told me that she was sure there was something wrong with C because her behavior was so extreme.

The day it happened I had a migraine and just sat there numb. I honestly didn't think I had been in there more than an hour (still too long looking back) and have learned from the situation. There's so much I should have said that day but I was just so off guard and I can't go back and change that, so I have to be stronger moving forward. I should have left. These are the only two mutual friends we have and I just was so unsure of how much I should share with them without it seeming gossipy, so I just didn't go to anything social that I knew the C would be at. I will say that I understand how people who are mentally abused start to think that what their abuser said is true. I questioned myself as a person for a few days afterwards until others assured me that I was perfectly fine and that she was the issue.

[BunnyBee]

If anything, tell your friends not to go to her church! That is completely insane. I'm glad you're not going to lunch with her! Be prepared in case she sandbags you at a future lunch if the friends are the type to meddle and try to "fix" things. Just be ready to throw a $20 on the table and bolt. :)

[Melaine]

This is what I've been thinking about for awhile but I didn't want to even mention Friend C because I was afraid they'd perceive that as gossipy and then go tell her I said something about her, which she would in turn yell at me again for talking about her.

Honestly, if your friends would truly react this way to your genuine honest feelings about C, then I wouldn't bother keeping them in the lunch date circle either. They should be able to respond maturely without making unnecessary drama.

[Melaine]

Who cares?? Friend C is toxic and you don’t need to spend any time around her ever again. What she did was so awful I wouldn’t even try to make any excuses...I would actually be even a little more truthful: “Friend C has repeatedly accused me of things that aren’t true, we had a terrible long argument that made me feel very uncomfortable, and at this point I honestly need to just remove myself from the situation so I’m sorry to pass on lunch but hope that I can catch up with you and Friend B another time.”

This is a good point. Perhaps you should share with them so they have a head's up in case she goes nuts on them too. Like another poster said, it isn't gossip to share actual facts that happened. If I knew someone I was friendly with was going off on ANYONE in that way, I'd want to cool it on that friendship.

[dogmom]

Besides the lunch date issue it might be helpful to look at this on a more macro level. It’s helpful to reframe things. Clearly you think something is “off” with friend C, but she’s made I clear that you aren’t the one to intervene. You appear to be confabulating gossip with honest and appropriate disclosure. Gossip is if you go to lunch with friend A & B and go, I’m so glad you didn’t invite C because she locked me in a church for 3 hours and screamed at me. Disclosure is saying things like PP have suggested. It’s a common problem to confuse the two since as a culture we get so confused about talking about bad behavior in a caring way. First the message is to ignore it until you can’t then distance ones self from it, while trashing the other person. C could be having mental health issues, or medical issues, or substance abuse or all three. You clearly can’t intervene, but you can be honest why you would rather avoid being in intimate situations with her while being kind about it. It sounds like you are a kind person, you can be kind and understanding while protecting yourself. They are not mutually exclusive. If you feel comfortable with the decisions you make about C you can then let others think as they may without being bothered by it much.