How honest are you about your past when talking with your teen(s)?

[smiles33]

I was chatting with DD1 (13.5) about high school since we just had her incoming freshman orientation (!!). I casually brought up a few "harmless" stories of my high school experience (e.g., how I was part of the "nerd" clique my first 2 years because I was in all Honors classes, how I spent 3 hours/day for 6 days/week playing basketball year-round, how I joined student gov't but probably shouldn't have wasted my time doing that, etc.).

Yet I did not mention alcohol use, pot (which I didn't try until college but several friends tried senior year of high school), breaking curfew, cutting class to go to the beach, sneaking out, or sex (again, not until college but friends were having sex in high school). I'm starting to wonder how honest to be. I don't want to convey I was a goody-two-shoes (because I certainly wasn't). But I was a total teacher's pet for the first two years of high school.

How have you handled this? Answer honestly when asked directly? Volunteer the info? Or be evasive or outright deny?

Poll coming.

[StantonHyde]

I have used my stupid mistakes as lessons on what not to do. And that I did them out of insecurity or fear or whatever. It wasn't glamorous.

[sariana]

My biggest vice was not doing my homework. I'm really boring.

[Melaine]

My biggest vice was not doing my homework. I'm really boring.

me too girl! I was such a goody goody, there isn't anything to tell.

[JBaxter]

There is some things my boys don’t need to know. If they ask me I’ll tell them. I was a little bit bad in high school I climbed out my bedroom window many times and didn’t come back til 4 am I was clocked doing 83 in a 35 over a bridge and got out of it the cop hit on me ��. Stuff like that. I’m a much more observant parent than mine were. I cover stuff like drinking and premarital sex. My parents style was more of don’t do it and your going to church more.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’ve let things trickle out over time when they made sense to the conversation. I definitely didn’t drop it all on my kid freshman year. [emoji16]


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[JBaxter]

I’ve let things trickle out over time when they made sense to the conversation. I definitely didn’t drop it all on my kid freshman year. [emoji16]


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I kind of spit my coffee yeah my 10th grader is not ready for tales of my high school & college exploits My 28 yr old asked me how I got away with some of the things I did I was good my parents were clueless and my sister & I covered for each other

[dogmom]

All I can think of is so much has changed since I was a kid I’m not sure how to even explain some stuff. I mean, I had to take 2 buses and travel over an hour to a neighborhood I didn’t know to get a pregnancy test between HS and college. Then you had to wait three days and call from a pay phone to get the results! The stress in my life saved from home pregnancy tests alone!!!

[carolinamama]

I was no angel in highschool. Along the same lines as Jeana. My oldest is also going to 9th grade next year and I'm not convinced he (or any of my kids) will ever need to know about my adventures. We talk and if he asks something specific, I answer honestly. DH did not push the boundaries the same way I did and the kids already know I have more "mistakes" under my belt. Because of that, they tend to feel less judged by me when they make poor choices and it's easier to work through it.

[elbenn]

My biggest vice was not doing my homework. I'm really boring.

This is pretty much me, too. DH and I did live together before we were married (after we had dated several years--we didn't get married until we had dated 7 years). Recently, DS asked me if we lived together before we were married. I said yes but that we had already dated for several years before that.

[gatorsmom]

This has come up for the first time but frequently in the last 6 months with my kids. I try to answer them honeslty when they question what I did but sometimes I differ them to “when they are older.” Because I know that they won’t understand the implications of my decisions and will glorify what I’ve told them. So I tell them as much as they can understand and promise to give them a full answer when they will understand. They usually accept that.

[almostmom]

This is really tough and something I debate a lot. There was a really funny line in a Michael Chabon essay where he said he always planned on being honest with his kids, and when they asked if he'd smoked pot he said yes, but then when they asked how many times he was not prepared to say a million... I can relate.

My kids think I was/am a goody goody. I was not, though I was smart, got great grades and went to an ivy league school. But I drank, I fooled around, I lied to my parents, I had parties when they were away, I went to sketchy areas (with my other smart friends!) to ask homeless people to buy us alcohol... these are not things I have yet shared. But when we caught my son who had stashed a bottle of our alcohol in the basement, we talked and shared a little more in that moment of confrontation. Let him know we understood, we weren't perfect, but that it's still not ok for x,y, and z reasons.

I think middle school is too young to share most bad things I did. Freshman year too. But by sophomore and junior years, I think my kids are definitely facing these issues and making hard decisions about what bad behaviors to say yes or not to. So for me, that's when this kind of sharing feels ok. When they seem old enough to understand the nuances. And not think that sharing means it's a free pass.

[bisous]

My biggest vice was not doing my homework. I'm really boring.

I didn’t do my homework but I’d say my biggest vice was being an absolute brat to my parents. Otherwise, not much to report!

[smiles33]

This is really tough and something I debate a lot. There was a really funny line in a Michael Chabon essay where he said he always planned on being honest with his kids, and when they asked if he'd smoked pot he said yes, but then when they asked how many times he was not prepared to say a million... I can relate.

My kids think I was/am a goody goody. I was not, though I was smart, got great grades and went to an ivy league school. But I drank, I fooled around, I lied to my parents, I had parties when they were away, I went to sketchy areas (with my other smart friends!) to ask homeless people to buy us alcohol... these are not things I have yet shared. But when we caught my son who had stashed a bottle of our alcohol in the basement, we talked and shared a little more in that moment of confrontation. Let him know we understood, we weren't perfect, but that it's still not ok for x,y, and z reasons.

I think middle school is too young to share most bad things I did. Freshman year too. But by sophomore and junior years, I think my kids are definitely facing these issues and making hard decisions about what bad behaviors to say yes or not to. So for me, that's when this kind of sharing feels ok. When they seem old enough to understand the nuances. And not think that sharing means it's a free pass.

This is so helpful. To be clear, I DEFINITELY would not tell her everything now. I was just wondering about whether I would voluntarily disclose poor decisions as she's been asking more questions. I definitely made my worst decisions in college and won't be sharing those stupid decisions with my child when she's only 13.5!

[basil]

There is no option for "I was too much of a goody two shoes to have anything to reveal". Seriously. I think I went to my friends' houses and practiced math team problems or something in high school. Went to parties and did silly stuff in college but didn't ever drink and have never smoked anything.

I actually don't think, in retrospect, that I would recommend those choices. But it was sure easy on my parents, at the time!

[umsh]

me too girl! I was such a goody goody, there isn't anything to tell.

Same! I‘m afraid it’ll make it hard for them to confide in me, but I never did anything remotely questionable lol.


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[Globetrotter]

Another goody two shoes lol though I was a brat to my mom - I cringe to think of it.
My only real rebellion was in grad school, when I chose my husband vs letting my parents do it, and I had to hide any trace of dh and a previous (casual) bf! (Strict immigrant parents)
Omg, how the times have changed, and my parents totally mellowed.

[mom2binsd]

My DD is close to 17, we have talked pretty openly about quite a bit about drinking, sex etc, not too specific about my sex life, but she knows I was 20 before having sex. I grew up in Canada where we were drinking much earlier, again, not a lot of stupid stuff, but she knows I was drinking as a teen. She mostly gets a kick when we visit family and friends and she catches stories of fun times in the past. She is very open with me about everything, she has a boyfriend of almost 3 years so the discussions are important.

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