Update: Wwyd?

[DietCokeLover]

UPDATE:

Just spoke with the principal. I told him the events as I understood them. He let me know that the coach came in to his office yesterday to inform him of what had happened. He told the principal that after the loss the night before, the girls were working on drills in class and were being lethargic and not really focused and he lost his temper. He shared with the principal the story - girl crying, his apology, etc. Coach apologized to the principal and acknowledged that how he behaved was inappropriate. The principal and the coach discussed that he needs to be sensitive to this being 13 year old girls (he had previously been a varsity boys bball coach in another state) and that he has to watch his tone and his volume when speaking with them. (He is very tall and has a deep, loud voice). The principal assured me he is aware and that he feels satisfied with the coach's response. He also said he would make sure to go by the gym during this class times to just lay eyes in there and monitor. There is another coach in there as well so it is not just him with the girls. He did not say this, but I had the sense I was not the first parent he had talked to.

I am satisfied at this point with this response. We'll be monitoring as well, but the season ends in about two weeks so we are almost done. DD will continue to have him for the basketball class for the rest of the year though.

Thank you for all of your feedback. I never thought anything horrible needed to happen to the coach, but I did want there to be someone else to have some accountability/ monitoring of the situation. I am looking at this as another opportunity to talk with DD - AND - DS about what type of behavior is acceptable and what is ok and what is not ok to be tolerated.

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DD (13) came home today telling me about her basketball coach seriously losing his temper today at school at the team. They lost last night pretty significantly - dd was not at the game as she was sick yesterday. He came into practice very angry, telling them they were awful and randomly yelling. He picked up a basketball and heaved it at the wall, almost knocking off one of the banners. He then told them to go get water. One of the girls was having a “panic attack” (per dd. Asked her what this meant to her and she said crying and having a hard time breathing.). He later apologized to the girls and asked them to pray with and for him for his anger issues (we go to a Christian private school).

DD says she was not scared but she does not express fear very often. I also texted with another mom to see if her daughter had a similar story, which she did. The detail she provided was that a female coach was there and laughed when he threw the ball.

DD has repeatedly said that this coach doesn’t like most of the team, has told them before that they are going to lose and yells at them. She also states that she likes him though.

My biggest issue is she has said she is “getting used to it” meaning the behavior. I don’t want my 13 year old daughter to ever be used to a man yelling at her or acting in an aggressive/ out of control manner. However, I am ok with a passionate coach who gets louder in his coaching to motivate the team.

Would you go to the principal? I understand people make mistakes and we all regret our behavior sometimes. I really appreciate his apology and humility to ask for prayer and forgiveness. However, there is so much not ok with this scenario.

WWYD?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I definitely don't read into this anything re. worrying about how a man yells or acts aggressive. I think many (most?) people can put this down to being coached vs setting up future relationship norms and expectations. We have had coaches do things like that before and I would personally just keep an eye on things but wouldn't escalate it at the moment.

[georgiegirl]

I’d be concerned. His behavior is not okay. It’s abusive. No matter how crappy my kids perform, their coaches never belittle them or freak out. They offer constructive feedback.

[niccig]

This is not Ok! Is this coach a teacher too or a parent volunteer? Either way, it’s not okay, but I could see a parent doing that. I pulled DS from a baseball team as the coach yelled like that. And what’s with the “pray for my anger management”, he’s the adult and should be managing his own temper, it’s not up to the teen girls. I’d be expressing my concern to the coach and to the school. I work in a public school and there’s no way that behavior would be tolerated


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[KpbS]

I’m not comfortable with that scenario at all. Yelling and throwing things? Telling them they are awful? Nope. Not ok. These are kids, not adults.

I agree with you. I especially don’t want my DD to think this behavior is normal or OK or expected or deserved?!?

It is good he asked for forgiveness because what he said and did is wrong, but asking the girls to pray for him? Ick.

[ourbabygirl]

Totally a no-go in my book. I would complain to the principal, and if the coach didn't change his behavior, and he didn't get yanked out of the program, I would pull my daughter. And the fact that the other coach laughed when it happened is strange and disappointing (unless she was super uncomfortable and she didn't know how to react).

I'm sorry that happened to your daughter and her team. That was super unprofessional of him. If he's willing to do that in a coaching setting, what is he doing at home with his own family? :(

[kali]

I totally agree that this was abuse and should have a real consequence. And while the female coach should not have laughed, she might have either been trying to de-escalate the situation or she herself may have been freaked out, even triggered by the behavior. Asking the girls to pray with him about HIS inappropriate behavior is another red flag. It fits right into the pattern of abusers asking their victims for forgiveness and help not to do it again. You are on the right track not wanting your daughter to think this is normal or acceptable behavior for grown men, and I think your taking action will show her not just in words but with deeds that she should never accept being treated this way.

As far as being common behavior for coaches, I would say it’s only common among ineffective coaches. How is terrorizing children supposed to improve their performance?

[Melaine]

I’m not comfortable with that scenario at all. Yelling and throwing things? Telling them they are awful? Nope. Not ok. These are kids, not adults.

I agree with you. I especially don’t want my DD to think this behavior is normal or OK or expected or deserved?!?

It is good he asked for forgiveness because what he said and did is wrong, but asking the girls to pray for him? Ick.

This is unnecessary and ridiculous behavior. The praying thing is also ick to me too. I am not sure what I would do in this case but it's really ridiculous.

[Dayzy]

I would talk to the other parents and go to the administration regarding this. I wouldn't let DD think it's ok for a grown man to scream at her and throw things in anger over something as trivial as losing a game. It's not rational behavior
Think about it, if your DD's boyfriend or husband behaved like this (screaming in anger and throwing things) would you just let it go or would you help her get removed from the situation?Don't teach her that this is normal.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Thinking about it more- I see no reason the school should keep this coach. While it doesn’t really freak me out, the school can just do better. They can find a better coach.


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[pinkmomagain]

Admittedly, I'm not a sports person, but I think people have come to accept negative/aggressive coaching behavior as a norm (much like we were conditioned to accept inappropriate sexual advances as a norm (prior to the me-too movement).

I would definitely speak with the principal. What concerns me as much as the outburst is "DD has repeatedly said that this coach doesn’t like most of the team, has told them before that they are going to lose and yells at them." What is he doing to make kids feel that he doesn't like them?

[JBaxter]

If you chose to speak to the principal vs watching and waiting is there another coach if he chooses to quit? You should be prepared for that its not like middle school coaches get paid much.

[KpbS]

If you chose to speak to the principal vs watching and waiting is there another coach if he chooses to quit? You should be prepared for that its not like middle school coaches get paid much.

Season is likely almost over, but I would go in and talk about the concerns. I would also ask that the principal or vice interview the girls to hear what happened, with the encouragement that they are in no way “in trouble.”

[dogmom]

I would be calling every parent, in the principal’s office and probably do to the coaches house. How dare he! I bet he thinks teen girls are “emotional”. Ha!

It is NOT OK. Beg to differ from other posters. This absolutely let’s a girl think this is OK from a male authority figure. The fact it’s a Christian school just makes it worse. Praying?! Does that signal to the girls it’s OK if a MAN loses his temper and as long as he prays afterwards? Seriously, does no one else see the precedent that sets? And no, I would not let the female coach off. Just tells the girls their job for an out of control make is too make it seem OK and deflect. What is wrong with all of you hat think this is reasonable to accept this because it’s sports? No potential sports scholarship is worth this.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would be calling every parent, in the principal’s office and probably do to the coaches house. How dare he! I bet he thinks teen girls are “emotional”. Ha!

It is NOT OK. Beg to differ from other posters. This absolutely let’s a girl think this is OK from a male authority figure. The fact it’s a Christian school just makes it worse. Praying?! Does that signal to the girls it’s OK if a MAN loses his temper and as long as he prays afterwards? Seriously, does no one else see the precedent that sets? And no, I would not let the female cough off. Just tells the girls their job for an out of control make is too make it seem OK and deflect. What is wrong with all of you hat think this is reasonable to accept this because it’s sports? No potential sports scholarship is worth this.

Here’s my thought re. being in this scenario as a teen- my friends and I would have rolled our eyes and bitched about him all the time. We’d be saying what an absolute a$$ he was. I guess I’m allowing my high self esteem cloud things though- there could be teens on the team that might accept this behavior and for that reason (plus, as I said, they can find a better coach), I’d be pushing for a coaching change.


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[DietCokeLover]

update in first post

[Melaine]

Glad to hear the principal is aware and the coach had enough common sense to loop him in. I would be satisfied with what you describe. Hopefully he will have more self control going forward.

[gatorsmom]

I would be calling every parent, in the principal’s office and probably do to the coaches house. How dare he! I bet he thinks teen girls are “emotional”. Ha!

It is NOT OK. Beg to differ from other posters. This absolutely let’s a girl think this is OK from a male authority figure. The fact it’s a Christian school just makes it worse. Praying?! Does that signal to the girls it’s OK if a MAN loses his temper and as long as he prays afterwards? Seriously, does no one else see the precedent that sets? And no, I would not let the female coach off. Just tells the girls their job for an out of control make is too make it seem OK and deflect. What is wrong with all of you hat think this is reasonable to accept this because it’s sports? No potential sports scholarship is worth this.

I agree, especially with the praying bit. How about telling him to pray he finds a job that is more appropriately suited to someone with an out-of-control temper? OP, I"m glad the discussion with the principal was satisfactory but this wasn't an isolated incident. I'd be watching this coach much more carefully and I've have a talk with DD to let me know the next time he scares or intimidates anyone on the team with is temper tantrums. Then I"d email the principal. Yep, I have no problem being THAT mom when it's warranted.

[georgiegirl]

I would be calling every parent, in the principal’s office and probably do to the coaches house. How dare he! I bet he thinks teen girls are “emotional”. Ha!

It is NOT OK. Beg to differ from other posters. This absolutely let’s a girl think this is OK from a male authority figure. The fact it’s a Christian school just makes it worse. Praying?! Does that signal to the girls it’s OK if a MAN loses his temper and as long as he prays afterwards? Seriously, does no one else see the precedent that sets? And no, I would not let the female coach off. Just tells the girls their job for an out of control make is too make it seem OK and deflect. What is wrong with all of you hat think this is reasonable to accept this because it’s sports? No potential sports scholarship is worth this.

I totally agree. The whole “let’s pray for me” is setting up a pattern of abuse.


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[MSWR0319]

I'm glad you went and talked to the principal who was responsive to your concerns.

My first thought when I read your OP was "He sounds like our Varsity boys high school coach" who makes a fool out of himself at games with his fit throwing and yelling. I've been told his practices are miserable with yelling and that no one likes him. Imagine that.