Middle school and significant others

[elbert]

DD is in 7th grade and is not traveling with a particularly “fast” crowd (they’re a relatively nerdy group...which they’re happy about and have steered clear of the typical middle school drama surrounding that). That said, it seems like just recently, multiple friends have gotten involved with significant others.

I know that some kids here were dating years ago, but it surprised me that this group has started to, as well. Is this typical timing for the non-precocious set? I honestly can’t see DD going down that path anytime soon, partly because of some recent physical issues she’s dealing with.

One of the things I wasn’t prepared for is talking about when friends are in new relationships, the impact that has on a friendship, and how to negotiate all of that. I feel like it all snuck up on me!


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[georgiegirl]

Dd is in 8th grade and some of her friends have boyfriends. She doesn’t. She still thinks boys are annoying. She’s not nerdy at all...decently cool and sporty, but not super popular or mean girl. She’s very close with her friends from swim team, and most social interactions are still single sex. She has gone to a few birthday parties with boys and girls. I did see her chatting with boys at the state swim meet this weekend. Her friend who have boyfriends...it’s mostly a texting relationship. She does have one friend who is a year older (freshman) who has a 17 year old boyfriend [emoji51], and DD thinks that’s gross. There was some drama with two of her friends liking the same boy and I told DD that girls/people often make bad decisions when they like a boy/someone, and it doesn’t mean they are a bad person or a bad friend. It’s just that they are temporarily insane because of their crush.

[StantonHyde]

Yep, this totally happened to my kids--both nerds. It can really wreck havoc on friendships. It's a hard place to be, sorry.

[klwa]

Sounds like about the right ago based on what I remember and what I've seen with my nieces/nephews. DS has definitely had a few crushes and I've seen girls who were crushing on him, it's just never hit at the same moment for everyone.

[dogmom]

What a remember about middle school dating with my oldest (he didn’t, solve friends did) was a lot of texting, group get togethers, and no real “dating”. I think that is more common. You might want to find out what this “dating” consists of if you are interested. Or just ignore it.

No, let me tell you about dating as a Junior in HS....seriously he’s 17, 6-2, very mature, all the sudden I feel like I’m giving him advice like I would to a younger colleague!

[SnuggleBuggles]

My 6th grader says some kids have started dating. And he clearly thinks they’re nuts. [emoji6]


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[belovedgandp]

Lots of texting seems to be the main way they define having a middle school boy/girl friend. My boys (10th and 7th) talk about a few friends dating each other. But no one terribly close to them was ever involved and they viewed it as a spectator thing.

My favorite line ever from my 16YO was at the beginning of 8th grade - "Dating in 8th grade is dumb. It only lasts two weeks."

[wendibird22]

Dd is in 8th grade and some of her friends have boyfriends. She doesn’t. She still thinks boys are annoying. She’s not nerdy at all...decently cool and sporty, but not super popular or mean girl. She’s very close with her friends from swim team, and most social interactions are still single sex. She has gone to a few birthday parties with boys and girls. I did see her chatting with boys at the state swim meet this weekend. Her friend who have boyfriends...it’s mostly a texting relationship. She does have one friend who is a year older (freshman) who has a 17 year old boyfriend [emoji51], and DD thinks that’s gross. There was some drama with two of her friends liking the same boy and I told DD that girls/people often make bad decisions when they like a boy/someone, and it doesn’t mean they are a bad person or a bad friend. It’s just that they are temporarily insane because of their crush.

Similar situation here. DD is in 7th. At least one friend had a BF late last year and into the summer. She gave him a scrunchie. When they broke up he gave it back. It's mostly a text/snapchat/instagram "relationship" though because it's super small town I know some of the significant others hang out or walk to each others' houses. My DD isn't at all interested. What I did notice is that those with BFs are the girls with older girl siblings. They seem to get the notion of dating younger because they see it with their older sisters.

ETA: I know I was "dating" in junior high. I can remember going to see movies with boys and passing notes back and forth.

[elbenn]

My 6th grader says some kids have started dating. And he clearly thinks they’re nuts. [emoji6]


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My 7th and 5th graders feel the same. DD (5th grade) couldn't believe that boys in her grade were bringing girls necklaces, bracelets, and flowers for Valentines Day! I will say that the kids around here who "date" young seem to be the popular crowd. Since being popular seems to be something that most popular kids try really hard to be (at least based on my observations at school events and volunteering at school), I wonder if the same mindset that makes them want to be popular also makes them want to date earlier--those being the kids that want to grow up faster.

[smilequeen]

When my oldest was in 7th grade, I was shocked how many girls were texting him all the time. For one, he goes to an all boys school! He's had a couple of "girlfriends" . They mostly text, but he's also hung out at the mall or one of the girls had parents who would have a group over. I met and talked to them and felt comfortable. Recently he has started texting/hanging out with another girl (he's a freshman now). At this point, I just insist on meeting the parents when they are going to hang out at home.

My current 7th grader has zero interest in girls yet.

We are learning as we go. My husband and I were both really nerdy in MS/HS and didn't really date. Our oldest is so different. Our middle is more like we were :)

[carolinamama]

My oldest is in 8th grade and currently has his first "girlfriend". While I didn't know her before last week, she is part of his larger friend group so I know a few of her friends from our neighborhood. They mostly text and facetime but hung out at her house in a group last week. I met her mom and made sure parents would be home. I'm definitely learning as we go.

DS1 has always been on the nerdy side and kinda socially awkward.....until recently. He's still keeping his grades up and has the right focus but his phone has gone from sitting dead in his backpack to in use and he wants to be with friends over hanging out at home much more often. It's probably all developmentally appropriate but that doesn't mean I have to like it!! There seems to be a spectrum at this age. Just last year DS1 couldn't understand how one of his friends could be upset that his crush didn't have the same feelings. Oh, how things have changed quickly.

[KpbS]

I think middle school "relationships" are for the birds and have told my kids as much. I'm all for them having friends and a friend group, but I've told my kids they are too young to date and that is something for the later part of high school if they are emotionally ready/mature then.

[Melaine]

My girls are 7th and pretty mature for their age and their friends for the most part are not “dating”. I honestly think it’s beyond ridiculous when kids are at this age. If you can’t drive you can’t date. My kids also do not have phones so they will have to be satisfied with face to face interactions for the foreseeable future.
when a mom says her middle schooler has a SO I laugh in her face because I think the parents should be nipping it in the bud. It doesn’t lead to anything good. Ever.

[Tenasparkl]

My 6th grade daughter got a secret admirer note on Valentine's Day and pretty quickly found out who it was from. After several more notes from the boy she wrote him a note back saying that it was flattering, but she thought they were too young. I think if it was a different kid she might not have had the same response, but I'm thankful that this first "thing" was pretty uneventful.

[gatorsmom]

My 14 yo has a “girlfriend” which to him means a friend he texts with and tells her she looks pretty and sometimes holds her hand. He doesn’t hang out with her on the weekends or any other time really, because he’s too busy doing other stuff he wants to do. She tolerates that, I guess. But he’s careful to spend most of his time with his friends so I don’t think it’s affected his friendships. None of my other kids care yet about dating.

I will say though, that last year DS’ friend had a girlfriend and only wanted to spend his time with his girlfriend. He totally ditched his friends or belittled them in front of his girlfriend to make himself feel better. It hurt DS’s feelings a lot and he and his other friends slowly pulled away from the couple. They all talked about it at one point and agreed that dating someone can destroy friendships if you aren’t careful. I think it was an eyeopener for all of them.

[hellokitty]

I have all boys, so my experience is limited. My high schooler is so socially unaware, I doubt that he will date anyone during high school. My middle schooler is much more socially aware. He has had crushes before, and only one of his friends truly dates a girl and another friend "fake" dates a girl (supposedly she is sick of guys hitting on her, so he pretends to be her bf, even though they aren't really dating dating). He isn't interested in dating, he knows plenty of other kids who date and he says it's drama, lol. My 5th grader still thinks that girls are gross.

[anonomom]

From what I can tell in DD's school (she's in 8th), the kids most invested in "relationships" seem to be the "popular" crowd (though lord knows what makes these kids popular, as nobody outside of their tiny friend group appears to like them). The popular girls apparently all have boyfriends. DD and her friend group don't appear to be dating, but they expend a LOT of energy figuring out their sexual identities. That in itself has raised a whole host of issues.

DD does have one friend who disclosed that she started having sex the summer before 7th grade. It was a real tightrope act, making sure that DD knew that that behavior is totally inappropriate at 12 years old (!!!), but also not being judgmental of a kid who's pretty vulnerable.