What to do about MIL?

[Twoboos]

MIL moved out here (cross-country) to be near us in the late fall. It's been a hard adjustment all around.

She is about 25min from our house but walking distance from DH's work. Which is great except the office is closed... so she's starting to lose it. She's 75 and generally healthy, living in an over 60 community. We have been staying away, probably haven't seen her in 3 weeks based on schedules before this all went down, although DH has seen her. But I can tell she's on edge from being "alone" even though other people are in the complex and they are trying to distance themselves in common areas. She calls/texts and wants to know what we're all doing and if we'll come etc..

We all feel fine. That doesn't matter bc we're probably all carriers. And I don't know if I can take her living with us indefinitely. She's saying things like "why did I move here if I can't see anyone" and we keep explaining it's for her safety, which she accepts then lather/rinse/repeat two days later. (In normal times she gets bent out of shape if we're not seeing her once a week and asking her to come sleep over on weekends at least 1x/month.)

I know she wants us to ask her to come here. I know it's not the right thing based on everything-virus. But she is going to full-on lose it and I don't know what to expect from that.

Thoughts - should we risk it?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’d invite her to move in.


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[jgenie]

I would have her move in. We are away from our families and absolutely kills me that I can’t have my mom with us. We would drive each other absolutely nuts but she would so enjoy having all that time with my kids. It hurts that she can’t ride this out with us.

[PZMommy]

I’d have her move in short term.

[scrooks]

I would have her come stay with you.

[Liziz]

This is creating tough situations for lots of people and families!

How isolated is your family? If you're not well isolated (like for example, even though the DC and I are pretty much completely isolated right now, my DH is a physician who has to go to work every day and may soon be staffing COVID19 response stuff, so therefore I know that my DC and I are pretty much always unsafe to socialize as we could pick it up from DH at any point moving forward) then it's not safe for her to come live with you. At 75, she's definitely at an increased risk. It sucks, but it's not worth it. If your family is all able to stay well isolated (neither of you going to work, no playdates, good social distancing, etc.), and it's feasible for y'all, then I'd make her wait until your family has been socially distant for 2 weeks, then have her come stay with you. You could tell her about the plan to keep her sane while she waits for the next two weeks.

[dogmom]

This is my situation:
I have an 82 yo MIL that lives with us. She is in a very high risk category. All though she does well she had heart failure. I would guess her chance of death is around 50%. We are doing everything we can, I’m having my teens wipe down surfaces and clean every day. We are practicing extreme social distancing for them. My DH has to go into work because he does IT for a town, so he’s actually doing more now to get everyone up and running for home. He still supports public safety. He will be able to do some from home. I’m a nurse that works in recovery room as we will soon be taking ICU patients. The plan is to take ICU overflow and not direct Covid 19 patients, but who knows. The plan is for when this really hits I may need to rent a hotel room and stay out of the house. I think there is a very real risk this might kill her. I need to sit down with her this weekend and we need to talk. If she winds up on a ventilator she will die, I want to avoid having her die like that. (I am basing this on what we are hearing from our colleagues in Italy. Our medical director for the respiratory department is from Italy and has lots of connections there and in China.)

So here are my questions. What do you mean “generally healthy”? 27 out of the 120 patients died in that skilled nursing facility in Washington. Our naturally instinct is to imagine them all as fail elderly and therefor they aren’t us or our parents, but many of them were in their 70’s and There for rehab. If she has ANY additional condition (diabetes, obesity, hypertension, heart problems, kidney problems) she’s at even higher risk. If she moves in with you there needs to be a conversation of what she wants if she gets sick. There will not be time to talk about it if she gets really sick. Older patients are going from being on a little oxygen via nasal prongs to on a machine near death in under 12 hours. All we have is supportive therapy and hope their immune system beats it. Also depending where you live the ventilator may not be an option if there aren’t enough. During the peak of an outbreak they will not let the kids visit her. Maybe not even you. Dying alone, with no one you know, surrounding by makes and gowns is horrible.

You need to balance this out with the very real effects social isolation has on people. I think the best think to do would be to keep her there, arrange visits that keep social distance outside, and look into technology like video chat to help out. You can have a movie night we’re you all watch the same move and she’s on the phone. There are a lot of things between not seeing her and having her in your space if you get sick. Your husband also really needs to talk about end of life stuff. The reality out there could be very stark for anyone over 65.

[Twoboos]

Thanks for your input, I really thought everyone would say leave her at her place! So to answer a couple of questions, MIL does not have any underlying health conditions, except hip/knee trouble from a surgery 6mos ago. We are and can be very isolated. DH is working from home now and we haven't been going out except to walk the dog. I hit the grocery store today and probably will need to go again in like 4-5 days to get fresh stuff if it's available.

They are now telling all the residents of her building to stay in their own apartments but they are rebelling and going to the huge lounge and sitting far apart. I mean they can't ask them to all sit inside alone.

DH wants to wait another week or two before having her come here. I suppose if we wait that long and no one is sick then maybe it's better? But of course anyone could have it at any time and not know. That's the challenge. It's a lot to think about.

[niccig]

Thanks for your input, I really thought everyone would say leave her at her place! So to answer a couple of questions, MIL does not have any underlying health conditions, except hip/knee trouble from a surgery 6mos ago. We are and can be very isolated. DH is working from home now and we haven't been going out except to walk the dog. I hit the grocery store today and probably will need to go again in like 4-5 days to get fresh stuff if it's available.

They are now telling all the residents of her building to stay in their own apartments but they are rebelling and going to the huge lounge and sitting far apart. I mean they can't ask them to all sit inside alone.

DH wants to wait another week or two before having her come here. I suppose if we wait that long and no one is sick then maybe it's better? But of course anyone could have it at any time and not know. That's the challenge. It's a lot to think about.

It’s his mom and if he wants to wait another week or two to make sure you’re not sick, then I’d go along with that. But then he needs to be calling her everyday to check on her, so she doesn’t call you. She is his mom!




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[Twoboos]

It’s his mom and if he wants to wait another week or two to make sure you’re not sick, then I’d go along with that. But then he needs to be calling her everyday to check on her, so she doesn’t call you. She is his mom!

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Yah that's pretty much where we ended up. He already talks to her daily. And if she hasn't heard from him, she will call me and act like I'm the secretary and ask to have him call her when he has a chance. :rolleye0014: We should probably add FaceTime with DDs too.

[georgiegirl]

We have decided not have have MIL move in with us because DH works at the hospital (not with COVID 19 patients), but he has to go to work and sees a lot of patients (oncology).


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[almostmom]

Something to keep in mind - if she does come live with you, there might be strict rules about her returning if she has been living with other people. So she might be stuck with you for a long time.

My MIL is 75, healthy, and has gone to her house in Maine with her dog to escape Boston. We were planning on going up to stay there, keep her company and get out of our house, but have been advised against it. My kids were in school last week, we are just more possible carriers and she isn't young. We also experienced her husband passing away 3 years ago from a type of pnumonia that put him on a respirator, then an ECMO, then just couldn't recover and passed away. So we know how these things can go downhill quickly.

Anyway, if an older person doesn't have to live with younger people, I think it is best for now. That's what I've been told.

[hellokitty]

Where are her doctors at?

My coworker's mom is in her early 80's and almost an hour away, but all of her doctors are where coworker lives. She says that if this continues, she is probably going to move her mom in with her, bc all of her healthcare is here anyway and she is afraid that her mom (who is stubbornly independent) won't listen and will do things she shouldn't do thing, due to lack of family around to take care of stuff like that for her. She has copd, heart issues and her age put her at the highest risk population.

[hellokitty]

double post

[marinkitty]

I can only tell you what we are doing with my mom who is 75, lives alone and has a few underlying issues that aren't major but could factor in (hypertension, liver issues). Right now she is at home alone and the plan is that she will stay there.

At this point, our family poses a risk to her as people have been at work and in school during the past 14 days. Once we get beyond that period, we will re-evaluate how she's doing being so isolated.

We are calling daily, I've been sending things to her (books, tea, cards), I've been having the kids text, call or Facetime her and I've encouraged her to have daily calls with her sisters and friends. So far she seems in good spirits and I know she is safe and well supplied.

Other factors are taking her away from her primary heath care providers and what to do about leaving her house unattended for an unknown period of time. It isn't an easy call.

For now perhaps just stay as connected as you can and make her feel as loved and missed as possible through reaching out and sending things that she might appreciate. Once your family has passed the two week social isolation period, reassess.