I don’t know how to process this

[Melaine]

A couple I love very deeply is divorcing. I am heartbroken. Devastated. I will have to tell the kids. They will be heartbroken. I know these things happen but it was a deep shock to me. I just don’t know what to do.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Why do you think you’re feeling this so strongly and personally? Is it totally out of the blue? Are both parties in agreement or was one blindsided?


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[Melaine]

I guess it has been a long time coming but they didn’t let any of us know so just no warning.

[StantonHyde]

While it is sad, these people are still who they are as individuals. Your children will still know them as individuals. I think that you need to let the kids know that they themselves are not going to lose these people in their lives That is important.

[newnana]

how soon will the divorce happen and the kids talk with them? I find I have a tendency to emote my own baggage to DD if I share stuff when I'm raw. Between limited contact with social distancing, busy schedules and divorce proceedings taking a minute, I'm wondering if telling the kids can wait until you are over the shock/less emotional, and they have actually worked out all the details. That's more when than the how to talk with them, sorry if it's not helpful

[Melaine]

Thank you. I guess I might as well say it’s my brother and his wife. So the reality is they are probably losing an aunt. I know she loves them and that just makes it even more heartbreaking. We live on opposite sides of the country. He didn’t tell us they were separating months ago, I believe in hopes they could work it out through counseling. It just felt incredibly abrupt although now it is obvious they had been avoiding contact with all of us. Everything right now just feels so sad and heartbreaking. The more I think about the more deeply sad I feel.

[Melaine]

B
how soon will the divorce happen and the kids talk with them? I find I have a tendency to emote my own baggage to DD if I share stuff when I'm raw. Between limited contact with social distancing, busy schedules and divorce proceedings taking a minute, I'm wondering if telling the kids can wait until you are over the shock/less emotional, and they have actually worked out all the details. That's more when than the how to talk with them, sorry if it's not helpful

I think I will wait a week or so just for myself to calm down. Right now I’m a sobbing mess.

[Gracemom]

My sister got divorced and my kids were very upset. They were close to her husband, their favorite uncle. We have seen him minimally since the divorce. There was cheating involved. It was hard but we all made it through. I'd like to be able to shield my kids from the harshness of life, but that's just not realistic. My kids have friends whose parents are divorced and I think their experience has helped them empathize with their friends.

[newnana]

I'm so sorry. It's hard anytime, but right now anything negative about our loved ones just seems so much.... bigger. Huge hugs

[Kindra178]

I hear every word you are saying. We recently dealt with a very close family separation and we all couldn't believe it. I was floored, sick, horrified, speechless for weeks. I didn't sleep.

We had to tell our kids because my family member's decision to separate impacted an upcoming trip we had together. I didn't handle it well when sharing but we had to share - numerous times before we told them, we heard, "I am going to do this with E" or "we can't forget to pack a football." I agree with pp that you should wait until the emotions are less raw.

What sucks was that my blood relation was 100% the cause of the separation. I was (and am) super close to his wife. I felt horrible for her. She was absolutely blindsided.

So to answer Snuggles question (which was not directed to me!!), I was extremely angry at my blood relation for making the choices he did, choices I felt could have waited three years until his daughters were in college. I was further angry because I love his wife like a sister, and she gave up a lucrative career in the last year due to his success. While I am sure he will take care of her financially to a certain degree, she will have to scramble to get that career back.

I am sorry to talk about me, Melanie. I only shared because divorces from others can seriously affect you! And don't be surprised if you are still bothered by it, much later.

[carolinamama]

It is sad and it's okay for you to feel very upset about it. Most of us would. While I do agree about waiting to tell your kids until you have processed it more, it's also okay for them to know you are sad about the divorce too.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Thank you for sharing more. I couldn’t think of any friends that I’d feel that kind of strong emotion for if they were getting divorced. But family? Yes. I’ve thought about how it would be if there was a divorce. I’d miss the in-laws and it would be a lot harder to take. I’m sorry. Big ((((Hugs)))))


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[California]

I am so sorry. I get it. Your SIL is someone you pictured yourself sharing family moments with for the rest of your life. This is someone who shared your joy over your kids' milestones, and loves your kids too. It is not the same after a divorce. It is a real and genuine loss.

Depending on your relationship with both your brother and SIL, it's possible over time you'll be able to have your own separate relationship with your SIL. If she's agreeable to it, and your brother accepts it, you can reach out and offer love and support. It'll be different. There's still an ending to something that you treasured. But she may appreciate hearing that you love her, you have your own relationship with her, and that you still want to stay in contact.

[PunkyBoo]

I know your post is related to the emotions you're feeling. But I just want to recommend that you do not let either of them tell you what's really going on, or bad mouth each other to you. You love them both, and getting in the middle or hearing one side is a messy place to be.
Many years ago, DS1's godparents divorced. We were shocked and so sad for them, and for us. We did a lot together and looked forward to raising our kids together. When I spoke to W, she told me her side. Then my DH spoke to the H, and told him his side. Then DH and I ended up getting into arguments about them. Ultimately we had to back off and stop talking to each other about our friends' divorce.

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[niccig]

It’s difficult. My sister called out of the blue telling me she and her husband were separated. They had been together since high school, he was very much my older brother. We all lived together during college. The way it was handled, she was blind sided and cheating was involved, I haven’t had contact with my BIL. DS misses him. We explained that breaking up of a family can be messy and you may not always be able to keep the same relationship.

Be warned that this so close may get your kids scared about divorce happening to them. My younger sister is divorced too, so this happening to my older sister got DS worried that DH and I would get divorced. We didn’t know this for awhile. You may not need to mention this, but maybe make more of togetherness with DH.


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[Melaine]

I’m not sleeping tonight. We told the kids because DH knew it would be obvious something was wrong.

They all cried. Of course I was crying so that played in. This does feel extra hard because of Covid. My heart is broken. They were married for 10 years. She has been a wonderful aunt and sister in law. I am devastated that my brother is dealing with this alone since the moved so far from us. He asked us not to call for now.

[klwa]

I'm so sorry. My brother and his first wife separated about 8-9 years ago now, with divorce following over a year later, and I felt much the same way you do. I will say, it gets easier. I see my ex-sil at events for my niece and nephew. My kids have been to her house a few times in the company of niece & nephew. But, she's really not in my life anymore. I had known her since we were kids. (She was 2 grades ahead of me.) She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. She was there when my grandmother died. We went shopping for baby & kids things together. She was there when my mom died. And yet, she's not part of my world anymore. In this case, it was a bit easier to not have much to do with her because she was cheating on my brother.

But, now, all this time later, my brother is about to celebrate 5 years married to his second wife. And she makes him happier than I had seen him in a long time. My ex-SIL remarried soon after the divorce was final, and, although her second husband has since passed away, she was truly happy with him. And she still has his family, and her step-daughter from that marriage. Their kids have grown up knowing that they are loved by all of the extended family. My brother's house is literally steps away from my dad's house as well as the kids' other grandparents, so they have continued to be able to go back & forth to visit family whenever they wanted. Life has been good, even though it felt devastating at the time.

[pinkmomagain]

Just a reframe: This is grief. You are grieving the loss of a relationship. You are grieving what was. You are grieving what you thought was. Please give yourself (and your family) the time, space, and grace to move through it.

[DualvansMommy]

It’s real to you, as it is a loss of what you had known and looked forward in the future with all the other upcoming milestones. Divorces always impacted other people too, but obviously the couple and kids the most though. Grieve, and respect the space your brother is asking for.

When things are not so emotional and raw, you can talk to your brother how you’d like the future interactions look like.


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[AnnieW625]

I know your post is related to the emotions you're feeling. But I just want to recommend that you do not let either of them tell you what's really going on, or bad mouth each other to you. You love them both, and getting in the middle or hearing one side is a messy place to be.
Many years ago, DS1's godparents divorced. We were shocked and so sad for them, and for us. We did a lot together and looked forward to raising our kids together. When I spoke to W, she told me her side. Then my DH spoke to the H, and told him his side. Then DH and I ended up getting into arguments about them. Ultimately we had to back off and stop talking to each other about our friends' divorce.

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Yes to this. One of my parents best friends got divorced after 25 years or so of marriage back in the late 90s and while the reason they divorced wasn’t necessarily news to anyone once it happened (the husband met his second wife in a chat room in the mid 90s and they fell in love and I am pretty sure there were other problems not on the surface by the time the online relationship came about) but the wife in the relationship didn’t get to keep a lot of her same friends because they were wives of co workers of the husband and she felt like they were still connected with the husband. Overall the situation was sad and I am sure all sides grieved but I have only seen the husband a handful of times since the divorce and I never got to meet his second wife as she passed away a few years ago, but I missed seeing the husband as second dad (like I had a child/teen) since the divorce so that was hard for me. I do have to say that the husband has been involved in his kids lives post divorce so that made me feel a bit better about the husband even though he was the one who filed for the divorce and married someone else as soon as the divorce was finalized.

I also agree with what Pinkmomagain said....you are grieving and it hits very close to home because it is your brother.


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[Melaine]

Thank you all.
I am grateful they did not have children. I am doubtful that she wants to remain in contact as my brother told us not to contact her and she has blocked me on Facebook (or just left FB). So I don’t think there will be sides to take and at this point I have no info other than he assured us they both had given it lots of work and thought and it was no one’s fault. She also asked him to tell us all that she loves us. I do think they are both really sad about how it ended. I just hate that we are so far away. It just was not a marriage I ever expected to end and having no warning or lead time just made it really traumatic.

[gatorsmom]

Thank you all.
I am grateful they did not have children. I am doubtful that she wants to remain in contact as my brother told us not to contact her and she has blocked me on Facebook (or just left FB). So I don’t think there will be sides to take and at this point I have no info other than he assured us they both had given it lots of work and thought and it was no one’s fault. She also asked him to tell us all that she loves us. I do think they are both really sad about how it ended. I just hate that we are so far away. It just was not a marriage I ever expected to end and having no warning or lead time just made it really traumatic.

You know, another reason this might be so hard is because there is so much unrest and uncertainty in our world right now. This was a couple you cared about and their relationship felt secure and now it’s falling apart too. It all feels like a lot right now.

[Globetrotter]

You know, another reason this might be so hard is because there is so much unrest and uncertainty in our world right now. This was a couple you cared about and their relationship felt secure and now it’s falling apart too. It all feels like a lot right now.

This makes sense. I’m sure it is devastating because this is your sil and you will need Time to adjust, from far.

[Melaine]

You know, another reason this might be so hard is because there is so much unrest and uncertainty in our world right now. This was a couple you cared about and their relationship felt secure and now it’s falling apart too. It all feels like a lot right now.

This is very true. I never dreamed their marriage would end. I’m just really flooded with emotions. I just never saw it coming. Just really hard to accept. And my kids are so sad. I just can’t believe it.