I’m tired of being the only adult in the house.

[gatorsmom]

I’m done. I’m tired of being the enforcer of everything. YET AGAIN, Dh just sent me a, “can we go?” email. Can we go to an indoor fundraiser? This is after many family discussions about why we shouldn’t go to indoor events if we can avoid them. This is after screaming fights because I’m so tired of being the one being asked if we can go somewhere, who is doing their chores today, who is wearing their mask in public (because oh no- peer pressure not to wear masks is icky!), what are we cooking this week that has a vegetable in it?

Next week, his parents are moving into their new summer house near us. Goody! I can police them too! I can be the enforcer for them too!

Ive reached my breaking point. They don’t like my schedule for cleaning the house, then I’m leaving it up to them. Dh can be in charge. I’m done.

[PunkyBoo]

I don't blame you. That sounds awful. My DH gets my concerns (he is working OOH but I've been WFM since early April) and had seen how quickly I become a passive aggressive b*tch when my kids start getting to me with all this 24/7 togetherness. I've basically gone on strike a few times since this all began, and it doesn't take long for DH to step in and get everyone realigned. So I can't imagine having DH also adding to your pressure. Sorry!

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[Philly Mom]

I have a similar issue of being the only adult but for different reasons. It is exhausting. I’m sorry you are in this position.


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[gatorsmom]

I don't blame you. That sounds awful. My DH gets my concerns (he is working OOH but I've been WFM since early April) and had seen how quickly I become a passive aggressive b*tch when my kids start getting to me with all this 24/7 togetherness. I've basically gone on strike a few times since this all began, and it doesn't take long for DH to step in and get everyone realigned. So I can't imagine having DH also adding to your pressure. Sorry!

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Yes, there is definitely a down-side to not being an essential worker and working from home. I’m sorry for everyone going through this.

Somehow I’m in charge of keeping everyone healthy. That means laundry, cleaning and cooking fall to me. It’s already a load to juggle before you add in the “do we/don’t we go” weekly debate. Something has got to give. Cleaning seems the easiest to hand off to others. If the house is dirty, no one dies or gets sick. I’m going on strike!! There I feel better already.

[newnana]

Yeah, that's not okay on any level. It's hard enough to be in charge of everything without pushback, ESPECIALLY from your partner.

I'll third the strike recommendation. I may have broken a toe a few weeks ago. I do know a few toes and the surrounding foot were very swollen and bruised. Normally? I'd just keep going. I'm an old gymnast, everything has been broken and gymnasts are taught early on you just smile and keep going. This time? I milked it. For two weeks! Rest, ice, elevate, have them wait on me for once. It was the most liberating thing I've done in a LONNNNNGGGG time. What's for dinner? No clue, you tell me. Yard work needs to be done? Enjoy. We're out of milk? You figure out how to place the grocery order and have it delivered, while you're at it, momma needs some {insert your treat of choice here}. While you're up, can you please refill my water and bring me a new ice pack? THAAAAANKS. Kept them too busy to ask me about anything extra and got a little appreciation in the process. Highly recommend.

Sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine having either of our non-compliant parents move near us and adding pressure to socialize a DH that already needing parenting. Good luck!

[petesgirl]

I have a similar issue of being the only adult but for different reasons. It is exhausting. I’m sorry you are in this position.


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Me too. Here the battle is screen time. Dh would be 100% fine if the kids sat in front of a screen for the rest of their lives and fried the brains and bodies into useless lumps. He sees no reason to enforce any limits. It's aggravating.

[hbridge]

Yes! DC are actually better than DH with masks and social distancing! There will be NO indoor activities with anyone. HOWEVER, we are headed on vacation in August with my parents (we have already merged our "bubbles") and the worst, I think, will be my mother. She does not seem to understand how this year's vacation will differ from previous years. She has all of these plans, most of which involve socializing with her friends, that are not going to happen in the current climate! I KNOW I will be policing everyone during vacation! It is exhausting!

[Liziz]

Oh geez, complain away! Early on DH and I had a little show down over how we were responding to the pandemic - we weren't on the same page and that is exhausting. Thankfully the showdown worked and we worked it out. It's so hard to not be on the same page with your partner (and you're right, lol!), not even adding in the frustration of kids.

I'm pretty sure your kids are all older....I vote you go on strike from cleaning AND cooking. A few weeks ago I told DH I needed a break and that on Saturday morning, I was leaving the house as soon as I woke up and I'd be home "sometime before bed", then steadfastly refused to answer any questions about how the day should go, what people should eat, etc. It was incredibly liberating. I definitely felt better afterwards, especially when DH acknowledged that a full day at home alone with our DC in their pent-up I-haven't-gone-anywhere-in-forever stage is utterly exhausting. (Also, in case you're wondering how I filled a full day, I went on a couple long hikes and then sat in a non-playground park and read a book for hours, while eating junk food that my normally health-conscious self doesn't want my kids eating.....:rotflmao:)

[bisous]

I'm feeling this too. Thankfully my DH agrees with me about safety stuff. He agrees with me about most stuff. But it is still left to me to be the enforcer on all of "our" priorities. It is hard not to feel resentment or that if I stepped away for few hours everything would crumble into pieces around me....

[gatorsmom]

.. or that if I stepped away for few hours everything would crumble into pieces around me....

Yes this exactly! I have an adult husband, 2 high schoolers, and 2 intelligent middle schoolers. They shouldn’t need me to remind them to put their trash in the garbage, their dirty laundry in the hampers, to wipe up their crumbs, to put empty dishes in the sink (at least!) or their shoes in their mudroom shoe bins. They know how to do it- I’ve harped on all these things a hundred times. When I spend a day or 2 focusing on a project instead of enforcing and nagging, it’s crazy how messy and cluttered everything gets in here!

Liziz, I would like to give up responsibility for the cooking, but I’ve tried that and we end up eating bratwursts and grilled cheese for dinner. The vegetables all but disappear from the menu. I have lightened my load considerably by assigning dishes and making everyone cook one each week. In the beginning I let them choose the meal they wanted to cook but lately they are choosing easy and junky. I don’t mind bratwursts and grilled cheese occasionally but when it’s what they choose week after week... Also, what happened to the side salads, slices of tomato or onions or even a few spinach leaves thrown in the food somewhere? Nope, without me nagging, the veggies all but disappear. It’s better if I give up the cleaning.

[Kestrel]

Can you give up parts of the cooking in specific ways? For instance, Fred: peel and slice three pounds of carrots before dinner. Wilma: Make a salad. George: wash and cut the bin of strawberries in the fridge. Then, you can still do the planning and actual cooking while they help out with some of the prep?

After all, if they want you to be in charge - be in charge! delegate!

[dogmom]

I think you should pack a bag and check into a hotel for a few days.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think you should pack a bag and check into a hotel for a few days.
:yeahthat:

[gatorsmom]

:boogie:
Can you give up parts of the cooking in specific ways? For instance, Fred: peel and slice three pounds of carrots before dinner. Wilma: Make a salad. George: wash and cut the bin of strawberries in the fridge. Then, you can still do the planning and actual cooking while they help out with some of the prep?

After all, if they want you to be in charge - be in charge! delegate!

Oh I go further than that. I pick the recipe (all stuff they have eaten before and admitted to liking), buy the groceries and then make them cook it. They have to chop, sauté, etc. Occasionally I’ll prep all the veggies for them since I get weekly snack veggies ready anyway. They enjoy cooking once they get started. And they want the food to taste good (or everyone will criticize their cooking skills). The cooking isn’t the problem. It’s the cleaning. And I had a chart of chores. They can pick any of the chores and do at least one per day. I drew out a friggin chart for them to refer to and initial! And they still can’t get their act together. AND, they all criticized the chart. So I’m done. The house will be a pig sty and I don’t care.


I think you should pack a bag and check into a hotel for a few days. Well, Dd and I will be camping with her troup this weekend. Not exactly the same thing, but it’s something. And what’s better is that the house will be GROSS and my MIL will arrive so DH will be forced to clean it before she comes over!! Ha ha, I’ll be gone camping so not my problem!! :boogie: And I’ve mentally prepared all sorts of retorts if she tried to criticize my housekeeping. I’m actually looking forward to trying a few out on her. :icon_twisted:

[niccig]

Just one teenager but like yours, he can’t seem to find the trash can or the hamper. I interrupt his video game to make him go back and clean up, so you’d think he would learn to do it properly the first time to not get interrupted, but no. Since the shutdown, I only cook dinner, breakfast and lunch you are on your own. There’s always complaints about no food or haven’t eaten all day, there’s plenty, you just have to prepare it. DH complains more about the food than DS does. You’re an adult, forage in the fridge and pantry and figure it out. Oh there’s no bread, go to the store then as I’m working and not going until tomorrow. DS kept a food diary for a class and he had goldfish for breakfast. I’m sure the teacher had comments about that.

I agree with doing less and letting them fend for themselves.

As for the masks/going places, can you figure out a family plan and then when an invite comes up to an event, ask them if it’s part of your family plan or not. Refer them to the plan. Also consider when your family is comfortable with doing things. Eg DH and I have our anniversary Friday. Usually we would go out to dinner, but we’re only comfortable with outside dining and only occasionally. Our family plan would have take out and outside dining is OK, but indoor dining isn’t. So an invite to an indoors restaurant would get a no.

There’s a list circulating that rates activities. Maybe you and DH could say anything 5 or 4 and under is ok, and anything above isn’t, or look through the list and discuss what is/isn’t ok

A mask is non-negotiable. Here everyone has to wear one is out in public or indoors. Majority of people have a mask on. I know it’s more difficult to enforce the mask rule when others don’t. Maybe stress that the mask is for the other person to keep them safe if you aren’t showing symptoms, you’re caring for others by wearing a mask

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[petesgirl]

So, finding the trash can and the hamper.....both things my little kids struggle with! My question is, do they just not ever outgrow thia or do they do ok for a while but forget everything when the teen years hit??

[StantonHyde]

So, finding the trash can and the hamper.....both things my little kids struggle with! My question is, do they just not ever outgrow thia or do they do ok for a while but forget everything when the teen years hit??

It is freaking never ending!! I swear, when my son is on his own, I am going to visit and bring empty snack bar boxes with me and leave them in his pantry!!!!!!

[StantonHyde]

My kids want to earn money. I am paying DD to cook and clean up—has to be recipes I approve. She is learning but it is great for me!! DS has a list of yard chores. And he drives so he does errands for me. They have done their own laundry since before middle school. I have taught DS how to fold and iron. He chooses not to. Now I am going to make them wash/fold their own sheets/towels. DS is still a slob—who takes pains with his personal appearance at least. dD is much neater. But she bakes and leaves messes.

[carolinamama]

It is freaking never ending!! I swear, when my son is on his own, I am going to visit and bring empty snack bar boxes with me and leave them in his pantry!!!!!!

Thank you for the laugh!! I find so many empty boxes in the pantry. Yesterday our 12 lb dog carried an empty cereal box in his mouth through the house that he found in the kids' den. Just pick up your mess!!!

[lizzywednesday]

Me too. Here the battle is screen time. Dh would be 100% fine if the kids sat in front of a screen for the rest of their lives and fried the brains and bodies into useless lumps. He sees no reason to enforce any limits. It's aggravating.

:yeahthat:

That's gonna change right after July 4th because DD has camp (outdoors! with other children! socially distanced, yes, but with other children!) and I need her schedule to shift so we can be in the car at 7am because her bus stop is further away this year.

[gatorsmom]

I believe I’m on Day 3 of my cleaning management strike. I have reminded DH and the kids several times that I will no longer push them to keep up the house. I’ll do some cleaning everyday (yesterday I did 2 loads of dishes because my kids cook and then leave messes too), and the day before I vacuumed. But I’m not pushing anyone else to follow the chore chart. I don’t care. I did send DH a text today suggesting that he better be reminding the kids to do their daily chores because I’m on strike. He has ignored those texts. I’ll got mention it now while he’s outside swimming. If he doesn’t keep on top of the kids, they are going to be overwhelmed. I’m really enjoying not caring about the cleaning. Now that I’ve unloaded that duty, I’m able to get projects done that I’ve wanted to do for years! And they can’t say I didn’t warn them when the mess is finally no longer tolerable.

[SnuggleBuggles]

That’s about all the cleaning that ever gets done here. 🤷*♀️ What more is there? Maybe some bathroom stuff as needed? Enjoy your strike and know that some of us live in that level of mess regularly. [emoji12]


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[gatorsmom]

That’s about all the cleaning that ever gets done here. 🤷*♀️ What more is there? Maybe some bathroom stuff as needed? Enjoy your strike and know that some of us live in that level of mess regularly. [emoji12]


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Vaccuuming and mopping 3 floors, dusting table bases and legs, dusting the wood parts of stairs and spindles, dusting every room, scrubbing countertops, wiping glass and windows, scrubbing toilets, cleaning showers, etc, etc. There is no end to it. I’m not thinking about it. La la la

[SnuggleBuggles]

Vaccuuming and mopping 3 floors, dusting table bases and legs, dusting the wood parts of stairs and spindles, dusting every room, scrubbing countertops, wiping glass and windows, scrubbing toilets, cleaning showers, etc, etc. There is no end to it. I’m not thinking about it. La la la

Yeah, a solid no to the dusting!! Mopping? Unless it visibly looks dirty just skip it. Get a Swiffer Wet Jet for super quick touch ups (less commitment than getting out a mop and bucket). Cleaning the shower? Again, only if it looks or feels dirty. You’d be surprised how long that takes [emoji6]. Windows and glass? Nope. All nice to do but definitely not dire. Dishes and wiping down the kitchen counters are about my only “musts” regularly. Enjoy your strike and try not to stress about dusty table legs! [emoji4]


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[California]

If you are still texting DH reminders then he knows you are still mentally responsible. Ask me how I know ��
Sharing in case it helps, since the first month of the shutdown I thought I’d lose my mind: What ended up working for us is finally getting into a routine. On the day our housekeeper would come, my kids do all the chores she would do. Afterwards we do something fun- go to the beach, on a hike, etc. One big clean up morning with everyone working, and then during the week they have smaller chores. They had to make their own chore lists. Me making one did not work. Now they have to sit down together with my master list and divvy who does what. The funny thing is this was DH’s idea- I told him that I was tired of being responsible for the mental load of assigning the chore chart, and could he switch off weeks with me? He said yes. And then gave the kids the chart and told them to figure it out among themselves! I was ticked at first but they did it without complaint! So maybe, who knows, something good will be discovered during your strike!

[bisous]

Lisa, from what I understand your house is enormous. Mine is tiny. I think both are hard to keep up on! Mine is fairly quick to clean because it is so small but the dirt sure piles up quickly and one trip to Costco and we have a cluttered mess! On the other hand, we only have 2 bathrooms and 1200 of flooring to dust and clean. Bottom line, it isn't easy any way you slice it!

[gatorsmom]

Thank you, ladies for commenting! I know this is the bitching post but your ideas have been helpful!

I have a bit of an update. Just before DD and I left for camping, I was about to remind Dh one more time to get this under control. He was outside and I thought he was swimming. Nope- he was using my chore chart to make a spreadsheet. A few hours before Dd and I left, while I was packing up a few last things, I heard him talking to her and her brothers about their new arrangement. He didn’t really discuss it with me (which is good, because if I don’t know what’s going on, I have an out) but he did say the kids have some assigned stuff and he’s actually figured out some consequences for the kids if they don’t do their chore. Now all I have to do it remind him that he has to follow through on his threats or the system will fall apart (he’s never been good on following through, thus the kids ignore his threats).

It’s good news! I’m sure I’ll have to do the deep cleaning but that’s only occasional and I can handle that. I have hope!! :boogie:

[gatorsmom]

Lisa, from what I understand your house is enormous. Mine is tiny. I think both are hard to keep up on! Mine is fairly quick to clean because it is so small but the dirt sure piles up quickly and one trip to Costco and we have a cluttered mess! On the other hand, we only have 2 bathrooms and 1200 of flooring to dust and clean. Bottom line, it isn't easy any way you slice it!

Bisous, you ain’t kidding. While we were building this house, we lived in a small rental house. I could clean that thing thoroughly- including scrubbing showers- in 2.5 hours. THAT was awesome. But yeah, I couldn’t leave shopping bags sitting around to put away later because people were tripping over them. Our current house is huge with plenty of space to organize and sort out project equipment. On Friday I had one table with DS’s unfinished puzzle and some of his science projects, another table with my jewelry supplies for the girls’ group I lead. In another area I had a pile of camping stuff dd and I were sorting while in another area DH and boys were sorting their camping stuff for their trip. We still had plenty of room for making meals in the kitchen, hanging out on the sofa, and putting up an ironing board for some shirts. That was all in the greatroom area. Lots of room to spread out! BUT it is a monster to clean. There is no such thing as doing a really quick clean up of the whole house.

[California]

That’s a great update! Enjoy the camping trip with your DD!

[hbridge]

ARGH!!!! DH is making me crazy! DC and I ran a few errands on Saturday morning. DH said he was going to the grocery store later in the day. I asked if he wanted us to go when we were out, he was adamant he wanted to go. Fast forward to today, Monday Morning, DH never went to the store. DC and I now need to go this morning because we are out of milk!

DH is great with putting laundry in the washer. Yesterday I made a conscious decision to NOT do laundry. At about 7pm last night, I went into the laundry room to grab something and realized the washer had clothes in it. DH has thrown in a "few items", but he never moves clothes from the washer. So now I am doing laundry after dinner (something I try hard to NEVER do). He does this ALL the time, even after I have told him to just leave the clothes and I will get to them. He thinks he is being so helpful...