I think you may need to talk me down

[PunkyBoo]

DH has a big milestone birthday tomorrow. He took the day off work, and I already had that day off on my schedule. He wants us to go have breakfast at his parents house, 30-40 minute drive each way. We are in southern California, with horrifically spiking Covid rates. I'm feeling very nervous about this visit.

DH has gone to visit his parents about 3 times per month since the March stay home orders. His dad had surgery in early March, and DH spent a few days with them, helping his parents through all that, and has taken his dad to all the post-op appointments because his mom doesn't like to drive much anymore and has her own health challenges. He took DS1 with him to see them once since March, they did eat together inside the IL's tiny house, and DS1 told me afterwards that they only wore masks into the house then took them off to eat and talk. I have only seen them once, during a car parade for our niece's graduation in June, and waved through the car window. So tomorrow it would be all 4 of us with them inside their tiny house with the AC on (temp expected to be in the 90's tomorrow, so sitting out in their backyard is not an option) eating and talking. I've told DH that I didn't want to go with him to see them on his previous visits because I couldn't live with the guilt if they got sick after our visit, nor the anger if I got sick after seeing them. Their other grandchildren and one of my SILs are not at all responsible about the risks of Covid, have been working doing food delivery, and traveling by air, and have been going over to see them frequently with no precautions. But it's DHs birthday and he wants us to go see his parents and our kids want to go (DS2 really misses seeing people, especially family).
I'm having such a hard time. I haven't seen my mom at all since this started. We all went out to visit my dad and stepmom in late May, but after walking into their house and giving them hugs, we spent three whole time outside in their yard and pool, eating bbq, and they had been very careful about staying home and distancing from others. But being inside ILs house feels to risky to me. I guess I need you to talk me down, tell me it'll be ok or how to be careful as possible while there, without looking like a jerk. It occurred to me this morning that, even if I stay home, I could still get sick because DH and the kids could bring the virus home with them anyway... But this is all making me very anxious and DH things I'm being unreasonable.

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[PZMommy]

I don’t know where you are in So Cali, but the LA mayor and health department have said repeatedly to not get together with anyone outside of your household. I’m in your side and do t think it is worth the risk.

[carolinamama]

Of course you have to make your own decisions but we do not mingle with members outside our immediate family inside a house so I would side with you. It's my mom's birthday today and she lives about 15 minutes away. We are going over there to celebrate this evening but will stay outside and keep our distance. I know they are careful and so are we, but we all have potential risks and we try to minimize getting sick or passing it on if possible.

[PunkyBoo]

I don’t know where you are in So Cali, but the LA mayor and health department have said repeatedly to not get together with anyone outside of your household. I’m in your side and do t think it is worth the risk.We're in OC but right on the border with LA. ILs are in the SGV.

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[dogmom]

Neither one of you are being unreasonable, IMO. You are anxious about making them sick. Your DH is probably worried if he doesn’t go now and they get sick he might not see them again. They are both reasonable things to be anxious about. It probably would be helpful to verbalize just that to your husband. He may say “I’m not worried about them getting sick you are blowing it out of proportion” but that’s coping for you. It might be helpful to frame it as “well, someone has to stay home so if you get sick I will be at a least 24 hrs behind you.”

[chlobo]

I would also feel very uncomfortable. And I think in your case, I wouldn't go. Just seems too risky right now.

[gatorsmom]

I would go and do what carolinamama is suggesting. Don’t go inside. If they are mobile, ask them to set some chairs outside if you can and there is space (or bring your own) and bring an outdoor umbrella if you need one along with a cooler of drinks and snacks. I’d even tie some balloons to the cooler and try to make a party of it. Keep your distance and let them know how glad you are to see them but serious about not getting them sick. Wear masks.

Imo, there are equally serious consequences to keeping too distant from elderly relatives. I really worry about the mental health of our country right now from too much isolation.

[ezcc]

I would also go. It sounds like this is important to your dh. Honestly, I don't see things improving dramatically for some time. Think how terrible you and dh would feel if you had not seen them for a year and something (not even Covid related) were to happen to one of them. I would try and keep your distance, try and spend time outside if possible. I visited my mom today and we went for a walk, we wore masks in the lobby of her building and on the elevator but not in her apartment or outside. She is in her 70s and in great health, but she doesn't want to live for a year (maybe more?) in complete isolation. She is not hanging out in bars or anything but seeing her family is incredibly important to her and to me as well. If you really don't feel comfortable I would encourage your dh to go alone or take the kids.

[California]

Do you think he'd be open a compromise? Figure out a way where you feel safe, and that means you can go more often? Maybe an early morning breakfast outdoors. Go before it gets too hot. 1 1/2 hour visit or so. Use Gatorsmom's suggestions- Bring your own chairs if you need to, maybe an EZ up if not an umbrella. Pick up breakfast on the way there so it feels festive. Sit over 6' apart, and wear masks. Only trip inside would be a quick visit to the bathroom before you head home!

We are friends with a large number of older folks through our church. None of them sleeps in. They can't fall back asleep! So it's very possible your in-laws will be up early and okay with this idea. The bonus for your husband is that if you are happy with this, you can go again in the future. Maybe make it an evening visit next time if you don't like the early morning idea. Then it's a win for both of you.

[bisous]

I would go and do what carolinamama is suggesting. Don’t go inside. If they are mobile, ask them to set some chairs outside if you can and there is space (or bring your own) and bring an outdoor umbrella if you need one along with a cooler of drinks and snacks. I’d even tie some balloons to the cooler and try to make a party of it. Keep your distance and let them know how glad you are to see them but serious about not getting them sick. Wear masks.

Imo, there are equally serious consequences to keeping too distant from elderly relatives. I really worry about the mental health of our country right now from too much isolation.

I like these suggestions. Additionally, can you meet up somewhere that is cooler? It is supposed to be 74 in my town. Maybe you could move towards the coast and meet outside? (I don't even know if beaches are open or closed right now--but maybe a picnic in a shady park?)

[smiles33]

I'm sorry this is a source of conflict for your family. I'm totally on your side, for what it's worth. There are still too many risks to being indoors with anyone outside of your immediate family for prolonged periods. If you can get a face mask, safety goggles, and face shield for everyone and they wear them, I'd feel a little better being indoors for more than 30 minutes.

I also like California's idea of going there first thing in the morning, before it gets hot, and then having breakfast outdoors together. Maybe it will still be in the 70s at 7 or 8 am?

[PunkyBoo]

OP here. Thank you all so much, you at least gave me concrete thoughts on this and helped me justify the stress it was giving me. We chatted a bit last night and DH said he was going to go early and if anyone wants to go with him, then they need to be up early. And if nobody did go with him, he'd go play golf for a bit after seeing his parents. I told him that in addition to the concerns about the virus, I'd had a stressful week and would like to sleep in (work was extremely busy this week) and he said that's ok. DS1 says he's get up early to go, but apparently he didn't because both kids are still here :) I don't think he was mad about it, since he was treating himself to golf. And now I have time to do what I had planned for his birthday, decorate the house without him seeing it, and baking his birthday cake.
I half awoke when he got up this morning and went back to sleep. And had a dream that, instead of going to see his parents, they surprised him by coming here. And bringing 30-50 other people in the family and family friends. So I came downstairs to find all these people in my house, no masks, coming up for hugs, criticising me for not having any food prepared and out, people helping themselves in my kitchen... I tried to sneak back upstairs and at least pretend to go back to sleep (I was still in pajamas and wanting a shower) and DH got mad and said I had to come be with the adults, and let the kids play upstairs (our game room is upstairs). It was so awful! I'm so glad THAT was just a dream!!!

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