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SAHMIL
07-18-2020, 02:22 AM
I honestly thought that this social distancing mess was something that wouldnít take this long . I honestly thought it would be just like normal except we would wear a mask. I didnít mind working from home as a teacher nor that my son , an only child , was home with me . I was loving the time and the slower pace and everything. But now . I feel like a big idiot . The weather sucked a lot of the time so when he wasnít doing homework we would let him play Xbox. What I would give right now for life to be normal for me would mean the world and I would throw that Xbox out. Because right now Iím having the hardest time looking at pictures my friends post of their kids going to baseball or soccer or even to hockey rinks right now. Why ? Because my son who quit baseball, soccer , and Cub Scouts to focus on hockey has decided he no longer wants to play .

Why ? Well first he wants to focus on playing airsoft guns , which he canít do right now on the first place and that is something that is like playing laser tag where you go and play with friends . And he wants to focus on eSports . He says there is no point to playing hockey . There is nothing to work for . It is stupid and boring and no longer fun .

He had a hard season where he had a team where some kids were mean to him even though his team made it to the championship . I really feel like this pandemic caused him to do nothing but dwell on it and took away any motivation . And I really feel he has anxiety too as a result .

Iíve got him in counseling . And It sucks because here are some great summer days and my kid is staying inside looking at his phone or on Xbox .

And I am trying to reach out to parents of kids he says he wants to hang out with . And they are all busy . [emoji20]

#momfail


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jgenie
07-18-2020, 07:40 AM
I am so sorry to hear your son is having a tough time. :hug: You did not fail. We are all doing the best we can to figure out what’s best for our families. I know this would be really hard but could he go cold turkey on electronics? Get outside with him to pull weeds, clean the garage, go for hikes, ride bikes? Figure out a way the two of you can help someone else? One of our local food banks makes snack bags for kids. Box of cereal, granola bar, fruit cup, box of milk. My plan is to buy the ingredients and make some here at home to donate. They’ll sit at the pantry for a week before distribution. Could you see if a local pantry could accept the same? Could you contact your local animal shelter and bring them old towels, blankets, etc? Good luck. You’re a wonderful mother. You just hit a speed bump. :hug:

SnuggleBuggles
07-18-2020, 08:59 AM
Sometimes kids donít know whatís good for them and you have to step in and just make them do something. I remember your posts about the hockey team though and that really sounded like it was more your passion than his. I know I thought he should quit based on those posts. But find something else and sign him up. Maybe rec level just to be active. Everyone feels better with some exercise. And go cold turkey on the Xbox just for a reset. If heís bored, so what? Hand him a book, hand him a project, go on hikes, go to a climbing gym, head to a pool...thereís lots to do in the world. It stinks that his friends arenít free. Weíre having that problem too though we still arenít doing in person things (just trying to Skype/ FaceTime). Lots of people arenít socializing. It must be hard to live somewhere that people arenít practicing more social distancing because then you feel left out when really youíre making a good choice.
But, you didnít fail but you canít let him call all the shots. Keep trying and do take a video game break. Those really help! Iíve btdt!


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wendibird22
07-18-2020, 11:27 AM
Hugs. You did not fail. You did the right thing for the time that was best for you all. We are still sticking close to home. My kids arenít doing sports now. Theyíd both rather read of being on Snapchat.

Around here there will be no fall sports or college fall sports. Colleges are all ramping up their esports as a result (like intercollegiate esports competitions). So if itís any consolation heíd fit in great with the college going crowd.


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niccig
07-18-2020, 05:51 PM
So there no sports or get togethers where we are so DSí only socializing has been through video games. He has a large group of friends that play so Iím thankful for that amount of social life.

He needed to help a friend of ours who was building a wood wall at our house. Both DH and I had to work so DS had to assist. Heís expressed interest in past about learning how to build things, but neither DH or I know how. DS grumbled at helping as he has to wake up earlier, but he enjoyed learning from our friend. He asked about buying some power tools and we went to home Depot and bought a miter saw and a jig saw. DS is now building things or helping with projects that need power tools. I have a list of things I want him to build for me. Heís designing the desk he wants to build before school starts back. Heís still on the computer an awful lot, but heíll get off to go to Home Depot or to cut some wood for me.

Try to encourage other interests if you can. Itís all we can do right now. Try our best


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Kestrel
07-19-2020, 06:19 PM
I'm so sorry you and your son are having such a hard time - we're right there with you.
Have you tried to re-interest him in hockey through other mediums? A player biography, movie? Field hockey in the yard?
Can you get him outside with the airsoft thing? Building outdoor targets or obstacles, perhaps?
As my mother (a Nurse) is constantly telling me - this is NOT normal. Normal rules do not apply. Keep trying new things until something sparks an interest.

JElaineB
07-19-2020, 09:03 PM
It sounds like your son has moved on to new interests and you are mourning what could have been. Have you asked him if there is something else he wants to try or if he is happy with how things are? What does his therapist say? If it turns out that he's happy I think you should be happy for him.

SAHMIL
07-20-2020, 07:55 AM
Sometimes kids donít know whatís good for them and you have to step in and just make them do something. I remember your posts about the hockey team though and that really sounded like it was more your passion than his. I know I thought he should quit based on those posts. But find something else and sign him up. Maybe rec level just to be active. Everyone feels better with some exercise. And go cold turkey on the Xbox just for a reset. If heís bored, so what? Hand him a book, hand him a project, go on hikes, go to a climbing gym, head to a pool...thereís lots to do in the world. It stinks that his friends arenít free. Weíre having that problem too though we still arenít doing in person things (just trying to Skype/ FaceTime). Lots of people arenít socializing. It must be hard to live somewhere that people arenít practicing more social distancing because then you feel left out when really youíre making a good choice.
But, you didnít fail but you canít let him call all the shots. Keep trying and do take a video game break. Those really help! Iíve btdt!


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The problem the last go round was that he got in trouble in the locker room at tryouts . He was playing with his stick handling ball in there then two other boys joined in. One of them reached into the bag of another kid and took out a goalie glove and then the kids who it belonged to (8 year old kids . DS and friends were 11 and 12) came in and the other two boys swore at them . My son was taken in wth the other two to the hockey director as part of guilt by association and being in the locker room at that point . My son and his friend chose running as a consequence and the other kid chose to get changed in the waiting area . From talking with the other two kidsí parents , I learned they only got a tongue lashing . Me , he got a talk and me trying to explain real life similarities, a week of Xbox taken away (because it was the heart of his social life at the time prior to phone ) , and he had to write a letter of apology to the hockey director. Maybe a bit overboard , but my son rarely gets in trouble at school or anywhere and when he does itís a big lesson . And in my book he needed to learn something out of this . However in his mind he believes that if it had been one of the favorites the kid would have gotten a slap on the hand .

About a couple of months later one of the more mean spirited moms from the team asked me when he was getting suspended . I asked what do you mean ? I called the hockey director and he said flat out no . So that was good . Unfortunately my son overheard this conversation woth me talking to a friend about it in a conversation about mean and petty people in general .

That whole spring I had to just remind him to go onto the locker room and get ready and not play around . I was driven crazy because of that mom and I didnít want her saying anything . My son is social not malicious , but parents were making him out to be a troublemaker . One time in front of other kids as they were playing around in the hallway I threatened to pull him out

My kid is a very good kid overall . But the complaint of the previous coach prior to last spring was that he and another kid screwed around too much in the locker room . And I had to explain to him over and over that if he wanted to make one of the higher playing level teams he has to show he is self directed and doesnít need an adult in there to supervise . ( trust me thatís a whole other conversation)

So this past season, the new coach he had wanted to learn about him so I talked him up , and said he had the potential to be a leader , etc .

Then came the first situation where one of the goalies cross checked him in the neck during practice . So i told him to talk with the coach . He did and coach came and talked with me after saying the goalie wonít do that anymore but DSnunderstands that if he stands in front of a goalie this is what will happen.

So it kind of went downhill from there . I did tend to support the coach because Iím a teacher so I want that support but I did tell my DS he needs to speak up for himself . My DS would


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SnuggleBuggles
07-20-2020, 08:50 AM
Heís only 11-12? Thatís a lot of pressure re. hockey, imo. I know other families do sports differently though. With the exception of occasionally doing club level swim teams, were rec level people (even our high school sports sound different). If it was hard on him socially and he didnít love playing then any 11-12 year old kid would want to stop. When youíd lecture him on stepping up his behavior to reach the higher level teams, what was his reaction? How much did he care? I just go back to wondering if he cares as much about hockey as you do. And if he doesnít then let it be. Heís so young. Let him see if he wants something else. Iím sure after spending all the time and money on it over the years makes it hard to walk away from but this is his childhood and his chance to try new things. Just sucks that during a pandemic that there arenít as many opportunities! My ds1 changed so much from middle school to high school. He was a total video game/ computer kid. Seemed impossible that heíd be anything else. Finished senior year as lead in the musical, section captain in band and earning varsity letters in 3 sports. I gave nudges where needed (sticking with swimming, joining stage crew, joining band) but he was interested and committed. Basically just saying to relax now. Heís young. Donít give up. Let him make some decisions and if they arenít group sports thatís ok. Just keep him active with runs in the neighborhood. Donít stress! Nobody is having a perfect time now and no middle schooler has things all figured out. :)


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dogmom
07-20-2020, 10:37 AM
Serious question: Does your DS think he is having a tough time?
Honestly, from the outside, the whole hockey thing looks like a nightmare for him, so I would be relieved if my kid wanted to stop. There are so many ways to do things that don’t involve team sports. Right now I’m grateful for my kids not being in them since I don’t have to make hard choices about exposure vs. their mental well being. I would advise regrouping and having an honest and open conversation with your son about what he wants.

SAHMIL
07-20-2020, 11:21 AM
My son is 13 years old now. I didnít get to finish but the one thing was was that in all honesty looking back yes on this one particular team this group of kids was awful. He is now moving up to a different level. In this level the kids are a little bit more chill because now they are highschoolers and heís away from six graders and fifth graders. He would be with mostly other eighth graders some seventh graders and ninth graders. The whole thing is is that he quit all sports all other activities and just focus on Hockey. when he was like what 9-10years old.

He is not interested in any other sports. All he wants to do is do things with my husband whoís straight out has said thatís fine but he is ď not his playmate ď and also he has to work . My son tried to help my husband on a few jobs building decks but it didnít work .

Anyway , after the goalie incident. Things started to go downhill . My son would say things like I donít feel the team respect me. So I said to him why do you say that? And he would say well they donít pass to me and I said well then you do things to show that you are the person to pass to you go out there and you show them. You know respect is earned on the ice and not automatically given. So as it turned out there were a few kids were mean to him but the thing I have told him as I said you need to have some good come back lines for these things. But he was afraid that they would take it and turn it around especially when one of the kids who was in fifth grade and the coachís son was on the team. One day a mom said to me ď what is it about your son ? The kids are so mean to him! And it bothers my son so much ! ď she told me stuff like that would not have happened with her sonís previous coach in the club.

We were at a tournament and a group messed up our hotel room . Again I asked the kids to come and clean it up . When In rhetorically asked why they would do such a thing I got ďitís because he destroyed our shinny game at the last tournament ď .




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SAHMIL
07-20-2020, 12:46 PM
But I do ask this . What age do we teach our kids resilience and how ? How do we teach our kids coping skills ? How do we teach our kids to not be pushed around ? These are important things . Iím also trying to get my DS to take responsibility for his actions .

Over the last few years I have had to talk with him about tone of voice , attitude , how he treats me . One thing I bring up many times is that if parents see him at his worst with me then they think they donít want their kids hanging around him . And yes I have had a couple friends say that folks think he is spoiled because he questions everything . My mom and DH cater to him a lot so itís tough .

On the other hand there is the whole thing that is ď my fault ď because at one sleepover one of the teammates was at , I had the kids turn in their phones at night before Theybwent to sleep . This is not uncommon at many peopleís homes except this one kid who I guess them told the team and then te team made fun of my son . I told him you tell them ďtoo bad so sad. You wonít be invited to my house .Ē
Or when I would play music at games and the kids didnít like any of the music and would make fun of DS and tell him how i am fat and stupid . This is where my kid needs to toughen up , get a one liner collection, and defend his mom.

And no I donít lecture but we talk with him about what the expectations are and time and place . I get that he asked the coach to practice one timers and the coach laughed in his face and could have had a better response but on the flip side there is the notion of the coach and player and only of the coach has said Iím open to suggestions .

Iím sure some of this is the fact that I have cracked down on screen time and phone and video games . But again a lot of those are related to how he has treated us . I donít want someone coming down , grabbing his phone and then going on Xbox like he is trading stocks .

So I did come up with expectations and now it had been made into a contract so he understands some chores as rent , others to be paid , and then acts of grace or kindness . Just so we can cut back on the attitude , sass and disrespect


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SAHMIL
07-20-2020, 12:48 PM
I am so sorry to hear your son is having a tough time. :hug: You did not fail. We are all doing the best we can to figure out whatís best for our families. I know this would be really hard but could he go cold turkey on electronics? Get outside with him to pull weeds, clean the garage, go for hikes, ride bikes? Figure out a way the two of you can help someone else? One of our local food banks makes snack bags for kids. Box of cereal, granola bar, fruit cup, box of milk. My plan is to buy the ingredients and make some here at home to donate. Theyíll sit at the pantry for a week before distribution. Could you see if a local pantry could accept the same? Could you contact your local animal shelter and bring them old towels, blankets, etc? Good luck. Youíre a wonderful mother. You just hit a speed bump. :hug:

Illinois has some tough restrictions . Many volunteer organizations are taking 18 and over only .


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SAHMIL
07-20-2020, 01:29 PM
Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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DualvansMommy
07-20-2020, 01:57 PM
Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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I would reframe that way of thinking as quitting equals failure. Reframe it was a way of taking a break to reassess things. Even though your son says he wants to play hockey but it doesnít sound that way to me?

Is there a different hockey club you can change to? Otherwise I would stop pushing hockey on him, if it just isnít working anymore.


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SnuggleBuggles
07-20-2020, 03:38 PM
Thereís resilience and thereís staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and thereís wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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bisous
07-20-2020, 07:53 PM
There’s resilience and there’s staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and there’s wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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I agree with this. This is far outside of our experience with other teens and their parents. Thankfully the whole world isn't like that so it doesn't need to be endured. I'm sorry for all the crappy stuff you are encountering because of meanness and because of COVID. I don't know enough about hockey to advise you there but I can certainly see how it is hard for all of you and I'm sorry.

MSWR0319
07-20-2020, 07:55 PM
Also , I donít want him to quit because of a group of jerks


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I would quit because of those jerks. It sounds like a miserable situation and why would you want to stay in it? I will say, your OP made it sound like You were the one struggling with the loss of hockey because it was hard for you to look at your friends pictures. You were blaming your son for making a decision that you didnít like. I think everyoneís kid is playing too much electronics right now.

That being said my friendís son just joined our esports team at the HS this past year. She wasnít real thrilled but wanted to let him try. She said itís the best thing that has ever happened to him and isnít at all like she imagined. They socialize and strategize and theyíre both really enjoying it. She said once she took the time to understand what heís doing and why he enjoys it, she changed her mind. Plus she said you can even earn scholarships. Heís on the soccer team but she said this is better for him in all aspects. So maybe if you changed your way of thinking about the Xbox and his enjoyment of esports it may make it easier for you? Iím not saying he needs to sit on it all day every day.

It also sounds like he wants to spend more time with your DH. Iíd be thrilled if my 13 year old wanted to spend time with me, so Iíd make every effort to find things we could do together. DH doesnít have to be his best friend but thereís nothing wrong with doing things together. My 11 year old wanted me to play Mario Cart with him and he loved it that we players together. Maybe you or DH could play one of his games once in awhile?

Hang in there. These are tough times.

SAHMIL
07-21-2020, 02:02 AM
Thereís resilience and thereís staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and thereís wisdom in avoiding situations like that.


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Agree . Thatís why I would look at another club


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essnce629
07-21-2020, 03:21 AM
There’s resilience and there’s staying in a toxic situation. Everything you described sounds toxic and there’s wisdom in avoiding situations like that.

Yes, the situation and kids involved sound horrible! I would have let him quit a long time ago! My son was a competitive swimmer from the age of 9-13 and then it just became no longer fun for him and he had no desire to continue with their hardcore schedule. After a mild injury that required him to take a 2 week break (and then another 2 weeks off for winter break), he didn't want to go back. I let him quit, even though I was hoping he'd at least wait till high school. But I knew if he truly missed it he could always go back at a later time (join his high school team, rec team, another club, etc). I also let him quit fencing, archery, soccer when he was little, etc. It's fine though, having all that free time has allowed him to find new interests like blacksmithing, rock climbing, learning Japanese, and kendo. If he had never quit those other activities he would have never had a chance to try out these new extracurriculars. He also spends A TON of time playing video games (like it's his full time job), but he's having fun with his friends from school and some video games really do require a lot of teamwork, cooperation, and skill. I think it's time to let hockey go.

Kindra178
07-27-2020, 02:54 PM
Why not try lacrosse? Many kids around here start in 6th-8th, and it's many ex hockey kids. AYSO and local soccer leagues will be playing this fall. They take 8th graders and up. Finally, AYSO has VIP Buddies. Around here, 8th to high school kids participate.

Seems like hockey is a no go for now. He may go back to it but I wouldn't push it now. Keep him active. Gyms are open here, can he goto the gym?

Kestrel
08-03-2020, 02:39 PM
Just wanted to touch base and let you know that we're still thinking of you and your DS!

hbridge
08-04-2020, 02:53 PM
I just read through all the posts.... Try to remember that the entire world is in CRISIS right now. Your son is doing the best he can, as we all are. I'm actually really surprised that hockey is an option at the moment.

Talk to your son and see what he is really thinking and feeling. It sounds like the team he was on was horrible to him, that can devastate his self-esteem. First thing is to build that back up again, which is not easy during a pandemic. A break from hockey wouldn't be a terrible thing right now and then he can revisit when the world resumes.

Try to go easy on him and on yourself. There is no NORMAL right now. It is okay.

To get him out and active, try other activities: Biking, running... whatever works for your family.