just need to vent a little

[ezcc]

Let me start by saying I adore my sil, I am forever grateful to my brother for marrying her and consider her a close friend. My mother recently told me that she had given sil her wedding china. The dishes that I grew up eating every holiday meal and have loved ever since I was little. This broke my heart, and of course it is never just about the stuff... My father died 12 years ago and my brother took over his business. Brother and SIL are now very, very wealthy- just remodeled their house (bought it for a million, put another million in) and I am sure my mother just thought the china would fit in with their lifestyle more than mine which is more casual. But I saw it at her house and it was like a stomach punch. I am sure she has no idea I am sentimentally attached to it, but it is just such a piece of my childhood and I don't even know if she likes it- she never met my dad and my mom had stopped using it a while ago. I know if I asked she would give it to me, but I think I would always feel weird using it and I don't want to create any drama. I mean, it's just dishes. I have my own. But for some reason this is bringing up tons of painful feelings,,,,

[Liziz]

Oh I am so sorry to hear this! Stuff like this is so hard. But honestly, if you're close and get along well, and you don't think it holds sentimental value for your brother -- ask for it! I truly think that if there's a good relationship, and you're willing to back off if you misread the situation, that you should take the chance and ask. At the very least, tell them that the china is super special and sentimental to you, and ask that if they ever decide they don't need it or it doesn't fit anymore, to please give it to you, as you would cherish it.

There are very very few things from childhood I'm sentimental about, but there are a couple -- and if any of them were given to one of my SILs (who I really love and get along with super well) it would be super hard for me, too. *hugs*

ETA: I'm just sitting here thinking about the fact that in this situation I may be the SIL! Just for a perspective and why I think it's worth asking about the china if you have a good relationship -- DH's mom has given us several special family things -- including china and silverware. We took them, honestly not because we really wanted them at all, but because we knew it was important to MIL to make sure they were given to family and we thought we'd hurt her feelings if we declined. As I think about it now, I don't know if she even asked DH's younger brother.....at the time they were given to us, the younger brother was a young bachelor and I think MIL assumed he'd have no use of the things. If at any point DH's brother had asked us for ANY of it, I would have happily given it to him --- no hard feelings or drama other than the fact I would have felt bad keeping it for these years while he was wanting it! Younger brother is now married with a family of his own.....based on your post I think I'm going to bring it up next time we see them and make sure he knows we'll happily give it to him if he wants it.....

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’m sorry. That’s hard.
Is he the oldest? I feel like that could explain it. My dh is the oldest of 4 and we’ve gotten “first dibs” on things like that over the years. This is a good reminder to check in with my sisters in law to see if they want the China instead!


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[mmsmom]

I think you need to have a conversation with your mom. Just tell her that after seeing it at your SIL’s house you realized how much it meant to you and you are sad she didn’t offer it to you. She may ask your SIL for it back or she may not and I think either way you have to let it go. But by telling her how you feel she will know she needs to think more about these things next time. It also may be she has something else in mind for you that she thinks means more to you.

[ezcc]

Actually I am the oldest! I think my mother has some sort of weird thing about that - my sister got my grandmother's silver, and I remember her saying I shouldn't get things automatically because I am the oldest (this was ages ago, and I didn't really care about that) but the truth is I can't think of anything valuable or family heirloomish she has ever given to me- I am somewhat of a minimalist so I guess she just assumes I don't want things. I was just oddly attached to that china, but I probably should have made my feelings known. I never dreamed that she would give it away- I thought she would continue to use it.

[bisous]

OK. So are you close enough that you could ask her about it? I'm super close to my SILs. I might even try something like, "Hey, I've got a question for you. Do you love the China you got from my Mom? I was wondering because it has a lot of sentimental value for me in case you ever are thinking of letting it go." If she says that she loves it you can say something like "Oh then that makes me happy that you're able to have it." (And you have to mean that!) If she says, "Oh I don't even use it!" Maybe you can get it back? Either way it is being cherished right? I know this might not work for every relationship but honestly I have 7 SILs and I could ask this to any of them!

[georgiegirl]

OK. So are you close enough that you could ask her about it? I'm super close to my SILs. I might even try something like, "Hey, I've got a question for you. Do you love the China you got from my Mom? I was wondering because it has a lot of sentimental value for me in case you ever are thinking of letting it go." If she says that she loves it you can say something like "Oh then that makes me happy that you're able to have it." (And you have to mean that!) If she says, "Oh I don't even use it!" Maybe you can get it back? Either way it is being cherished right? I know this might not work for every relationship but honestly I have 7 SILs and I could ask this to any of them!

I really like this advice


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[KpbS]

OK. So are you close enough that you could ask her about it? I'm super close to my SILs. I might even try something like, "Hey, I've got a question for you. Do you love the China you got from my Mom? I was wondering because it has a lot of sentimental value for me in case you ever are thinking of letting it go." If she says that she loves it you can say something like "Oh then that makes me happy that you're able to have it." (And you have to mean that!) If she says, "Oh I don't even use it!" Maybe you can get it back? Either way it is being cherished right? I know this might not work for every relationship but honestly I have 7 SILs and I could ask this to any of them!

This! 100% I would totally bring it up this way. And big hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[PZMommy]

I like bisous response!

I can relate. I’m the oldest grandchild. My grandma gave her china to my cousin since she was the first one married. I was really hurt and even my sister was bummed, as it had a lot of sentimental value to us and my cousin doesn’t really care about stuff like that. A few years ago my cousin sent out a text that they were cleaning out the garage and were going to donate the china since they had no use for it and the appraiser they took it to said it wasn’t really worth much. My sister offered to pay to have it all packed and shipped to her (she has more storage space than I do and could afford the expense of it being shipped.) So we got the china back. I have no problems with my sister having it and she is willing to send it to me anytime if I want it. I just couldn’t believe that my cousin was going to donate the family china.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, that is so hard. I could see the same thing happening with my own parents and I feel as if I have already braced myself for something similar.

I agree though that it's ok to open it up for discussion and you can get an idea. It may be that they don't care and will happily give it to you.

[Kestrel]

side note - take some time and see if there is anything else of your parents' things that you would like if they get rid of them, and also things you would like if they pass on. My mother actually put my name on the back of a large framed mirror they have had forever; saying that I want it if they ever get rid of it. My sister wants the old roll-top desk where mother taught her to read.
We made this part of our "end of life" conversation with them about where their papers are, last wishes, funeral preferences, ect.