UPDATE IN OP Should I say something?

[MSWR0319]

Update: So I sent the host a message saying that I thought she should ask my sister directly if she was ok with it because I thought my sister had the kids and I didn't know if she would be comfortable with this. She replied and said she thought it would be fine because in her opinion it was no different that my sister going to work. My sister is a teacher so while she's in a room with kids, she's not really near them like you would be in her house and you know they aren't going to wear masks if they're eating and drinking. She would ask everyone to wear masks since I thought it might make her nervous to have them in the house. She had already asked if she could come over and my sister was fine with it so she didn't think it was a big deal unless I thought it was super bad then she would ask my sister because she knows how much my sister likes surprises (um...not sure about that). So I finally just called my sister and said "I don't want to ruin this, but I want to make sure you're ok if she shows up with four extra people." My sister was like "NO!" She asked if she could come over and I said I was fine with that because we could spread out on either side of the basement and wear masks, I'm not ok with 4 extra people in my house." So she sent her a text to try and drop a hint that she's being very careful because DN has asthma (so does my sister). If that doesn't work, then she wants me to say something to her again that she really needs to ask. I knew this wasn't going to fly but I didn't want to be butting in. Glad I did though.



My sister is going through a divorce that will be finalized soon. I received a message the other day from some of her friends inviting me to a surprise party at her house. They want to celebrate the end of her marriage. While I think it's really kind, I also think it's really stupid given the state of the world right now. But, I live in an area where they think it's not a big deal. I've never really flat out asked my sister what her covid protocols are, but she's asked me a few times if I thought certain things were safe (and they were, but she was worried they weren't), which makes me think she wouldn't be excited to have 5 people show up at her house for a surprise party. I'm also concerned because my mom (who is over 65, high risk, and has yet to be able to get a shot) babysits my nieces every day after school. So if the house gets covid, it could be really bad for my mom, and then my dad. Mom does wear her mask when she's there, but still. Lastly, I think my sister has the kids the weekend they want to do it and I know they wouldn't go to bed if these people showed up. My sister gets really stressed when the kids don't go to bed on time and get super wild, so I think it would just be too much of a disruption for these people to show up. So my question is, is this something I just mind my own business on? Or can I say something? And if so, to who? Do I send her friend planning it a message saying that I think she should make sure my sister is comfortable with it? Do I send my sister a message saying I don't want to ruin your surprise but wanted to make sure you're ok with it? I normally would just mind my own business but this puts my mom at risk, not to mention putting my sister in a weird spot if she's not comfortable with it and they all just show up.

ETA: I replied in the thread but am posting it here too. I don't think the intention is to bash the ex. I think it's just to have a nice night with friends without any stresses. She just worded her invite poorly. And I also don't think her intention is to have to the kids there, as the two dates she gave were two weeks apart, which leads me to believe she thought she was scheduling it when the kids were at their dads. However based on where they were this weekend, they would be home with my sister. Which is why I think I need to say something.

[PZMommy]

I'd say something. I guess I would reach out to the person planning the party, but I'm guessing that won't get you too far, because if they were taking covid seriously, they wouldn't be planning this type of party. As for saying something to your sister, if you know this event would upset her, I'd be sure to tell the party planner that, and I'd also let my sister know what was being planned so maybe she could call it off, or at least be prepared for it.

[ray7694]

I’m divorced and I can understand people having a few drinks to relieve the stress of it all but I have never heard of a surprise. It’s not like she won’t have to co-parent which I have done for 16 years. The whole thing would be a big NO thank you to me.

[mommy111]

Tell your sister and ask her if it’s ok for you to say a discrete ‘guys, bad idea’ to her friends. I, for one, hate surprises like this. During Covid.......no way!

[Globetrotter]

I think you should tell your sister. Under ordinary circumstances, of course it's fairly harmless and fun though the surprise thing is a bit annoying (but I hate surprises) but right now with covid and a mom who might be affected. no thanks!
If your sister is ok with it, you could say that your sister isn't comfortable with such gatherings, due to your mom's risk, assuming this is true. you could use the kids as an excuse, but then they will offer to have someone babysit the kids and do it in the afternoon.

[mom2binsd]

Tough situation. I would ask the one planning if they know whether the kids will be home, that is definitely not a time to have kids around to overhear the moms "celebrate" a divorce.

As someone who has gone through a divorce, I would have welcomed a little celebration with girlfriends, but it would be better not at her home. I know around here plenty of folks are going out, restaurants and bars are open, so that would be a better option.

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[Melaine]

Ugh even with Covid aside I think it’s in terrible taste. A surprise divorce party? No.

[klwa]

Yeah, this... seems like a bad plan even when you take COVID out of the equation.

If you think Sis would be okay if it weren't a pandemic, I'd see what the friends are planning. Are they bringing beers/wine/Coke/whatever and planning to sit out on the front porch/back deck and stay distanced? Maybe okay. Are they planning a bunch of people in the house complete with cake and streamers? Nope.

I think someone needs to check with your sister for whether she'd be okay with this, even if it's meeting outdoors. If the friend won't, then you need to. Because if I were upset (and I feel like I would be in a lot of ways, even if I was also relieved), the last thing I would want is to host people at my house. That I wouldn't even know I needed to have in "ready for company" state.

[Melaine]

So you are saying the kids are going to be home and a bunch of adults will be toasting the end of their parents' marriage?

[Myira]

So you are saying the kids are going to be home and a bunch of adults will be toasting the end of their parents' marriage?

Yeah, since I read this post I could not wrap my head around this idea. Even if the marriage was a really bad one, it’s not exactly a great outcome at the end of the day, and he is still dad for those kids.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

So you are saying the kids are going to be home and a bunch of adults will be toasting the end of their parents' marriage?


Yeah, since I read this post I could not wrap my head around this idea. Even if the marriage was a really bad one, it’s not exactly a great outcome at the end of the day, and he is still dad for those kids.


:yeahthat: exactly where my mind went too.

[MSWR0319]

So you are saying the kids are going to be home and a bunch of adults will be toasting the end of their parents' marriage?


Yeah, since I read this post I could not wrap my head around this idea. Even if the marriage was a really bad one, it’s not exactly a great outcome at the end of the day, and he is still dad for those kids.


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:yeahthat: exactly where my mind went too.

No. That is not the intention. It was poor wording on the hosts part I'm sure. They just want to gather and have a fun night with no worries or stress. It's not to bash the ex. I'm sure there will be no conversation about him. And it's not meant to be in front of the kids which is why I think I should say something. She originally gave two weekend choices, both two weeks apart, which leads me to think she thought she was picking weekends where the kids are with their dad. However, based on where I think the kids were this weekend, the kids will actually be at home.

[carolinamama]

I'm sure your sister's friends' hearts are in the right place, but a celebration of a divorce while the kids are around, during a pandemic feels off. I would have to say something to either the friend or sister, whichever makes most sense.

Maybe an outdoor get-together could be planned for a time when the kids are not around to show your sister support without potentially hurting her kids.

[carolinacool]

I think someone needs to say something to your sister because there are too many variables at play.

I'm perfectly fine with small outdoor gatherings and have attended several, including a few this winter. Since the party is in her honor, your sister should know about the plans to decide if that is in her comfort zone.

If she is comfortable, that gives her a chance to pick the date when she doesn't have her kids. Even if she's not supposed to have them, plans could change. She really needs to be in the loop.

[bisous]

I wouldn't be against saying something to your sister, but can you say something to the host? I would. I guess I'm blunt that way. I promise I'd find a not awkward way to do it but it would be something along the lines of, "you know x is pretty careful with COVID stuff and I'm just wondering is this going to be something that she'd be comfortable with? Also, are you sure this isn't one of the weekends that the kids will be home?" She can then respond and be like "YES we've been getting together for drinks on porches for the past three months" (so there is understanding that she'd likely be amenable to the hang out situation) or "hmm, I'm pretty sure he'll have the kids that weekend...let me check". I'd maybe still say something? Hard to say. For my three sisters I'd say something because they would never be okay with a surprise situation in COVID. For my SIL (brother's wife) I would be less likely to intervene so I suppose you need to consider how close you are to your sister too!

[bisous]

I think someone needs to say something to your sister because there are too many variables at play.

I'm perfectly fine with small outdoor gatherings and have attended several, including a few this winter. Since the party is in her honor, your sister should know about the plans to decide if that is in her comfort zone.

If she is comfortable, that gives her a chance to pick the date when she doesn't have her kids. Even if she's not supposed to have them, plans could change. She really needs to be in the loop.

Actually, I pretty much agree with this. A surprise at this time is just not a good idea.

[AnnieW625]

Ugh even with Covid aside I think it’s in terrible taste. A surprise divorce party? No.

Yes I agree....why would someone think to do this? Even if the relationship was bad from the beginning this has got to be a roller coaster of emotions for your sister. This just sounds like an idea take. from a Hollywood movie script.


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[Liziz]

I wouldn't be against saying something to your sister, but can you say something to the host? I would. I guess I'm blunt that way. I promise I'd find a not awkward way to do it but it would be something along the lines of, "you know x is pretty careful with COVID stuff and I'm just wondering is this going to be something that she'd be comfortable with? Also, are you sure this isn't one of the weekends that the kids will be home?" She can then respond and be like "YES we've been getting together for drinks on porches for the past three months" (so there is understanding that she'd likely be amenable to the hang out situation) or "hmm, I'm pretty sure he'll have the kids that weekend...let me check". I'd maybe still say something? Hard to say. For my three sisters I'd say something because they would never be okay with a surprise situation in COVID. For my SIL (brother's wife) I would be less likely to intervene so I suppose you need to consider how close you are to your sister too!

This is exactly what I think too! I'd try to talk to the host first and then go from there.

[JustMe]

Good thing you said something to your sister. The friend saying it's fine because it's the same as your sister working? WTF? Good job preventing a really difficult situation for your sister during this already difficult time. I know it's still not exactly solved, but it is good your sister knows what was being planned.

[niccig]

Are you friends with the person organizing this? Do you need to stay friendly with them? I think I’d come straight out and tell the organizer to not do it, it’s a bad idea as the kids will be there. Or your sister needs to tell her to not bring anyone else. I don’t think subtlety will work here. I’d take one for my sister and put a stop to it


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[AngB]

Are you friends with the person organizing this? Do you need to stay friendly with them? I think I’d come straight out and tell the organizer to not do it, it’s a bad idea as the kids will be there. Or your sister needs to tell her to not bring anyone else. I don’t think subtlety will work here. I’d take one for my sister and put a stop to it


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Yep this. It doesn't seem like she's going to get the hint even from your sister's hints. I would just tell her flat out "sorry, I was really uncomfortable with the risk and knowing my sister *BECAUSE SHE"S MY SISTER* I knew she would be as well, so I told her about it and she really does not want other people in her house. Thank you so much for thinking of her and trying to make this stressful time better"

[georgiegirl]

So glad you told your sister. It would have been really awkward for your sister to have four people show up on her doorstep wanting to celebrate.


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[Globetrotter]

Wow good thing you spoke up. I don’t think this woman is going to get the hint so you’ll have to be direct. I’m so sorry you are in this uncomfortable position.

[California]

Yep this. It doesn't seem like she's going to get the hint even from your sister's hints. I would just tell her flat out "sorry, I was really uncomfortable with the risk and knowing my sister *BECAUSE SHE"S MY SISTER* I knew she would be as well, so I told her about it and she really does not want other people in her house. Thank you so much for thinking of her and trying to make this stressful time better"

Yes, wouldn't be surprised if you have to be blunt. This sounds like a well-meaning friend who clearly doesn't grasp that your sister has a different POV on safety than she does. This is also a work risk for your sister. I don't know what your area is like, but in my area if a teacher gets sick, there's a shortage of subs, and teachers are using up their sick leave.

[Liziz]

I'm so glad you were watching out for your sister and said something! I also wouldn't trust that this friend will get the hint. I'd honestly just call the friend back and be like "hey, I just asked my sister about a get-together on a different day that would involve 3 other people, and she flat out told me she doesn't allow more than 1 person in her house at a time. It's such a sweet gesture but given her understandable precautions right now, you better just plan on visiting her alone that night!" Maybe that way it can seem like you didn't spill the beans to your sister while also allowing you to be completely direct about the fact your sister says "no way".

ETA: I think it's crazy that people would use a person's work situation to determine their COVID caution level. Do others do this? Personally, I always assume that people don't have a choice when it comes to work, and that the fact that they're working, sometimes even in larger groups, etc. has zero bearing on what they might do out of work. I think people forget that risk is cumulative and while you might have to be more "risky" at work, that doesn't mean you're willing to be similarly risky in situations (like your home) where you have more control.

[gymnbomb]

ETA: I think it's crazy that people would use a person's work situation to determine their COVID caution level. Do others do this? Personally, I always assume that people don't have a choice when it comes to work, and that the fact that they're working, sometimes even in larger groups, etc. has zero bearing on what they might do out of work. I think people forget that risk is cumulative and while you might have to be more "risky" at work, that doesn't mean you're willing to be similarly risky in situations (like your home) where you have more control.

Yes, this! Most households either have to or choose to do some things they aren't 100% comfortable with for various reasons. That doesn't mean they want to turn it into a free for all, and they may be very careful to minimize other risks.

[Dayzy]

ETA: I think it's crazy that people would use a person's work situation to determine their COVID caution level. Do others do this? Personally, I always assume that people don't have a choice when it comes to work, and that the fact that they're working, sometimes even in larger groups, etc. has zero bearing on what they might do out of work. I think people forget that risk is cumulative and while you might have to be more "risky" at work, that doesn't mean you're willing to be similarly risky in situations (like your home) where you have more control.

Exactly. My friend works at one of the large vaccination clinics and is seeing hundreds of people per day. She's super cautious at work, double masked, gloved, etc. But she's keeping her and her family alone in their home because who knows what other people will bring in.