Would you email the teacher? Or let it go?

[daisyd]

My 12 year old rule following, model student in remote school for seventh grade was visibly upset after school today.

He tells me his home room/science teacher had called him out for completing assignments ahead of time. DS tells me that he does not. He says that there is a time stamp on his Google Classroom that tracks what he does and that he has proof that he does not complete assignments ahead of time. He was embarrassed that she called him out during a meeting which included his class and another seventh grade class. He tells me he did not say anything in response to her.

She is known to be a difficult person and subpar as a teacher when school was in person until last year. Both characteristics have worsened since remote school started up this grade.

I encouraged him to email to clarify and stand up for himself. My son is afraid that no good will come out of it and that it will only do him harm. I offered to email to clear the air. He does not want me to do that either. He says he wants to let it go and that he will say something if it happens again. We are non-confrontational as parents and tend to go to great lengths not to rock the boat. I don't want DS to have the same issues that we struggle with. I want him to be assertive.

This is new territory for us. How would you handle this?

[SnuggleBuggles]

It doesn't sound like a huge deal so I'd follow his lead. If he wants to email then I'd encourage that but I'd be fine letting this go. Some teachers are best dealt with with the mindset that you only have a few more months left and not to let it get to you.

[Snow mom]

I would totally let this go, especially if that is what your son is wanting. I can’t imagine bringing it back up unless it became a pattern or was threatening his grades.

[daisyd]

Thanks for weighing in!

[sariana]

I am a teacher. I am appalled at this story. A teacher should not "call out" a student in front of peers like that. Go into a Breakout Room, meet in office hours, send an email. There are so many other options. That is unacceptable and I think you should say something to the teacher. But wait until the end of the school year if you think it could cause problems for your son.

And why can't he complete assignments ahead of time? What's up with that?

[Globetrotter]

Honestly my first reaction is be glad the kid is doing his work! I’m reading so many posts about kids who are struggling to do their homework and she’s complaining that he’s doing stuff ahead of time? Why is that a problem?
And yes I would follow his lead and not say anything unless it becomes an issue in the future. I think it was wrong for her to call him out like that.

Both of my kids are extreme rule followers and something like this would bother them.

[JustMe]

What a negative teacher! Agree it should not be in front of the class and with all that kids are going through who would even think of doing such a thing! That said, I do agree with not saying anything for now. If it continues, I think you may want to re-evaluate.

[daisyd]

I am a teacher. I am appalled at this story. A teacher should not "call out" a student in front of peers like that. Go into a Breakout Room, meet in office hours, send an email. There are so many other options. That is unacceptable and I think you should say something to the teacher. But wait until the end of the school year if you think it could cause problems for your son.

And why can't he complete assignments ahead of time? What's up with that?

Yes, the "calling out" part seemed strange to me. Apparently the teacher also does this when kids email her privately about their grade etc.

I'm unclear on why assignments can't be completed ahead of time. DS does not have a good idea why either

As an aside, the kids in this class are above average and bored out of their minds. I know other parents are encouraging kids to do more if they are done with what is already assigned.

DS maintains though that he does not do the homework ahead of time. It is the injustice of the accusation that is bothering him.

[daisyd]

Thanks all for weighing in.

I'll let this slide. I guess part of me is consumed by mommy guilt. I don't check on DS' work *at all*. I've been so busy with work in the past month. I'm grateful that I don't need to police his work. He is a conscientious kid who wants to do the right thing. I want to be a good parent and support him when he needs me. I don't want to create problems for him.

[truly scrumptious]

I agree with following his lead on this and letting it go.
For the future, I wonder if you can offer him a third option - he emails the teacher but you help him compose an email he is comfortable with. Thinking of it from my 12yo's perspective, he would be overwhelmed at the thought of having to figure out what to say to the teacher (and afraid of saying the wrong thing), but also be uncomfortable with me stepping in (either because he wants to feel more independent or because he would have no "control" or visibility into what I chose to say.)
Something to keep in mind if you find yourself in this situation again - I can totally relate to wanting to teach your kid to hold their ground respectfully (and not back away from confrontation because that is the easier choice) but also wanting to respect their right to make their own choices. Offering to help him is a way of putting him in control and making him feel supported at the same time.

[daisyd]

I agree with following his lead on this and letting it go.
For the future, I wonder if you can offer him a third option - he emails the teacher but you help him compose an email he is comfortable with. Thinking of it from my 12yo's perspective, he would be overwhelmed at the thought of having to figure out what to say to the teacher (and afraid of saying the wrong thing), but also be uncomfortable with me stepping in (either because he wants to feel more independent or because he would have no "control" or visibility into what I chose to say.)
Something to keep in mind if you find yourself in this situation again - I can totally relate to wanting to teach your kid to hold their ground respectfully (and not back away from confrontation because that is the easier choice) but also wanting to respect their right to make their own choices. Offering to help him is a way of putting him in control and making him feel supported at the same time.

I completely agree. I'd offered to help DS word the email. I then asked if he'd prefer that I email. He did not want either. Hearing everyone say unanimously to let this go, I'm easier in my mind as a parent to let it go.

[truly scrumptious]

I completely agree. I'd offered to help DS word the email. I then asked if he'd prefer that I email. He did not want either. Hearing everyone say unanimously to let this go, I'm easier in my mind as a parent to let it go.

I think you made the right choice. Having a 12yo, I know how hard it can be sometimes to hang back and watch them figure it out, especially if incidents upset them like your DS was by this one. Hugs to you, mama.

[georgiegirl]

I agree with following his lead on this and letting it go.
For the future, I wonder if you can offer him a third option - he emails the teacher but you help him compose an email he is comfortable with. Thinking of it from my 12yo's perspective, he would be overwhelmed at the thought of having to figure out what to say to the teacher (and afraid of saying the wrong thing), but also be uncomfortable with me stepping in (either because he wants to feel more independent or because he would have no "control" or visibility into what I chose to say.)
Something to keep in mind if you find yourself in this situation again - I can totally relate to wanting to teach your kid to hold their ground respectfully (and not back away from confrontation because that is the easier choice) but also wanting to respect their right to make their own choices. Offering to help him is a way of putting him in control and making him feel supported at the same time.

I agree with this approach.

It’s so weird she called him out for doing work ahead of time. Why is that a problem? And what kind of teacher calls a kid out in “public” like that?


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[gymnbomb]

It’s so weird she called him out for doing work ahead of time. Why is that a problem? And what kind of teacher calls a kid out in “public” like that?


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I remember getting reprimanded by a teacher in 6th grade for working ahead. I don't remember if it was done in front of my classmates or not, but my mom and I still roll our eyes about it (my father was not quite as calm about it, and would still probably start huffing and grumbling about it over 25 years later). I don't even remember if he gave in and decided it was ok for me to work ahead, or if I just sat at my desk and ignored him during class and read a book or braided bracelets as my friends and I often did during class that year. My horrible 6th grade teachers and my utter boredom that year were the last straw that led to my parents giving in and letting me skip a grade.

I agree with following his lead on it this time, but also on keeping an eye on the situation in case it escalates and you need to step in.

[carolinacool]

It’s so weird she called him out for doing work ahead of time. Why is that a problem? And what kind of teacher calls a kid out in “public” like that?


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My 11-year-old can rush through assignments to finish early, and it ends up being a hot mess. But he doesn't love school and would rather be done than have it be done right. I'm at the point where I don't know if I would care if a teacher called him out.

But given that the OP's son is in an honors type class and seems more consciousness of his work, I agree that it's strange.

[carolinamama]

I haven't read any of the other responses so....anyway, I wouldn't contact the teacher for this. If my child was worried or upset, I would encourage him to email the teacher, if for no other reason to make him feel that he did something. I'd definitely help word the email if asked.

A wise teacher from our elementary school once told me that she required her kids to contact teachers twice about a matter before she got involved after elementary school. She was a true mama bear too. I've used this guideline as well and find it empowers my kids while knowing I'll always stand with them if needed. It's been very effective during virtual learning to state, "I believe xxxx emailed you last week about this assignment/issue" in my correspondence. (I'm not trying to nail the teacher or anything, but it seems to bode well for my kids with their teacher/student relationship)

[petesgirl]

I am a teacher. I am appalled at this story. A teacher should not "call out" a student in front of peers like that. Go into a Breakout Room, meet in office hours, send an email. There are so many other options. That is unacceptable and I think you should say something to the teacher. But wait until the end of the school year if you think it could cause problems for your son.

And why can't he complete assignments ahead of time? What's up with that?

Right?!? I fail to see a problem here....the kid is doing his work!

[PZMommy]

I wouldn’t call a kid out in public, but sometimes I verbally add to the directions of an assignment, so if a kid did his work early they would be missing those steps, and have to redo the assignment.

A few weeks back I gave a math test to my students. We were doing the test over two days and I told the kids to not go ahead because certain questions asked that the problem be demonstrated a certain way. I had one kid who thinks he knows how to do everything, go ahead and race through the test and submitted it. He ended up failing the test because he did not follow any of the written or oral directions. This may not be the case with your son, but I understand where the teacher is coming from when they ask a student to not go ahead.

[chlobo]

Thanks all for weighing in.

I'll let this slide. I guess part of me is consumed by mommy guilt. I don't check on DS' work *at all*. I've been so busy with work in the past month. I'm grateful that I don't need to police his work. He is a conscientious kid who wants to do the right thing. I want to be a good parent and support him when he needs me. I don't want to create problems for him.

I'm still not understanding. Why did she call him out for submitting work early? And why should you feel guilty about that? I'd feel proud that my child was taking initiative. This teacher obviously has issues.

[daisyd]

I wouldn’t call a kid out in public, but sometimes I verbally add to the directions of an assignment, so if a kid did his work early they would be missing those steps, and have to redo the assignment.

A few weeks back I gave a math test to my students. We were doing the test over two days and I told the kids to not go ahead because certain questions asked that the problem be demonstrated a certain way. I had one kid who thinks he knows how to do everything, go ahead and race through the test and submitted it. He ended up failing the test because he did not follow any of the written or oral directions. This may not be the case with your son, but I understand where the teacher is coming from when they ask a student to not go ahead.

I hear you and completely understand. The things is, DS did not do his assignments ahead of time. He has time stamps on his homework assignments to prove it. The fact that the teacher falsely accused him was the issue.

[PZMommy]

I hear you and completely understand. The things is, DS did not do his assignments ahead of time. He has time stamps on his homework assignments to prove it. The fact that the teacher falsely accused him was the issue.

Oh my mistake! I totally misunderstood! The teacher was wrong to call him out, and that is even worse that he didn’t do it early. I wonder if she got him mixed up with another student??? Not that it makes it any better because she shouldn’t shame anyone publicly. I’d respect your son’s wishes, but if she does it again, I think I’d email her or help your son write an email.

[daisyd]

Oh my mistake! I totally misunderstood! The teacher was wrong to call him out, and that is even worse that he didn’t do it early. I wonder if she got him mixed up with another student??? Not that it makes it any better because she shouldn’t shame anyone publicly. I’d respect your son’s wishes, but if she does it again, I think I’d email her or help your son write an email.

No worries. I was wondering the same thing about the teacher mixing DS up with someone else. Thankfully, DS is done with half his school year at this point and seems to have gotten over the incident.