Decluttering Parents...

[bisous]

My parents AND my in-laws are downsizing. I understand. They are both in big empty houses full of stuff. I can completely understand the impulse to get rid of things--both for better living and also for the inevitable moment when it falls to their children to go through their things upon their passing. BOTH sets of parents seem to like to give my children stuff from their home. I do think they are trying to be kind but honestly most of the stuff is just not that special. Except once it is offered to my kids they NEVER want to get rid of it.

I guess you could say I'm in my own cycle of perennial downsizing. We have 6 people in 1200 feet and at least 4 of them never want to throw anything. It makes me want to tear my hair out!

The latest is that my mom is giving my daughter a special doll that she made for my childless sister. It was made with a lot of love, for sure, but it isn't particularly sentimental to ME. I don't think DD will play with it much but I also have a feeling we might never be able to part with it!

[Liziz]

You have my extreme sympathy!!! Both my parents and DH's parents are doing the same things to us. I think part of it is that it's really hard to let go of things -- when they (the grandparents) can "give away to family" instead of just getting rid of something, it makes is much easier for them to get rid of things. DH's parents mostly have things they want to give to us, not the kids. I always tell DH just to take it and say thank you -- and that we can happily and much more easily move it along than his parents can.

My parents often come up with things they think my kids will like, though, and yes, that certainly is trickier! At this point I have asked them to please give things to me instead of directly to my DDs. That helps me intercept things that have no business being given to a small child, and/or also takes some of the "oh, but I don't want to get rid of it, Grandma gave it to me!" out of it.

Good luck.....

[Philly Mom]

I can't even imagine. My mom was the exact opposite. She was ruthless. Constantly throwing out all sorts of sentimental things just because she had a dumpster and why not. I swear my dad was begging her to save some pictures from his childhood and she was willing to throw those out too, notwithstanding, she had a professional scan all of their pictures onto a drive. She just does not care. When we said goodbye to their house, I was crying and my mom went: "boo hoo" in that sing songy voice people use to mock someone. She apologized later saying she had been sad earlier but had made her peace. Anyway, I think I would intervene and just start throwing stuff out and/or refusing anything.

[bisous]

I can't even imagine. My mom was the exact opposite. She was ruthless. Constantly throwing out all sorts of sentimental things just because she had a dumpster and why not. I swear my dad was begging her to save some pictures from his childhood and she was willing to throw those out too, notwithstanding, she had a professional scan all of their pictures onto a drive. She just does not care. When we said goodbye to their house, I was crying and my mom went: "boo hoo" in that sing songy voice people use to mock someone. She apologized later saying she had been sad earlier but had made her peace. Anyway, I think I would intervene and just start throwing stuff out and/or refusing anything.

Oh my gosh! My mom grew up with nothing. Her parents saved nothing from her childhood. So she's been so scrupulously careful about preserving our "special" things. Turns out most of us are pretty unsentimental. But I'm sure it would feel differently if there was nothing left!

I like the idea of being the gateway to getting things into the house. Or even offering to get rid of things for my parents.

[klwa]

My dad hasn't done this, but my brothers and DH's brothers do it all the time. OH! Little one is a girl and my daughter liked ALL these things when she was your age so we're going to give her large tub of stuff when you come to visit and tell only the kid & just leave it in your vehicle! I'm good with clothes (hand me downs are wonderful) and if I was asked about the stuff I'd be okay with SOME of it. But finding a tote full of half used art supplies in the back of my car when I go to load something into it is NOT GOOD!

[lizzywednesday]

My dad started clearing out his stuff before his hip replacement; he had a lot of family items, like news clippings of his cousin the ballet dancer (Nana's cousin Walter's daughter Susan ... convoluted, I know, but she was still listed as an emerita dance instructor at NYC Ballet until a few years ago!) or crumbling church documents all in German from his grandmother (or, judging by the date, possibly HER mother; incidentally, the document was written in the US, there having been a thriving German community where Nana Koch was born) ... and it hurt to have all these things in poor condition but saved anyway.

I scanned a lot of the paper, took my own things, and tossed a lot more.

[Kestrel]

I do have to say - use this as an opportunity to ask for anything you DO want. If they get rid of something that means a lot to you, that would hurt. Also, by taking things you want, you may get less of things you don't!

[mikala]

A friend just posted this and I immediately thought of this thread: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/raging-grace/202101/don-t-blame-your-kids-not-wanting-your-treasures

[Tenasparkl]

My MIL threw out so many of my husband's favorite childhood things - skateboards, Jordans! etc. Now she's worried about anything that she's getting rid of so occasionally a box of old comic books shows up from UPS on our doorstep. She silently ships it across the country from her giant house to our tiny Southern California house without mentioning it.

My FIL saved all of my husband's old Star Wars toys and eventually we need to get them. Those I'll make room for!

[SnuggleBuggles]

My mom is starting to mentally dole things out and I hurt her feelings by saying I’d didn’t want this giant desk that has great sentimental value to her but really none to me. I have no where I’d want to put it. I’ve talked her out of other things but this was the first I think she really cared about.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[DualvansMommy]

I’ll say this as someone whose mom and childhood home is in another country. So I don’t have to deal with that aspect. However, she has a fondness of mailing my kids trinks/meaningless stuff you get from the dollar store all.the.time.

It was cluttering my home. She hasn’t cleared her house of 40 plus years with stuff yet! So I didn’t want her stuff going into my home. I became the gatekeeper and throw it out before my kids saw it. I told mom this after repeatedly asking her not to send anymore. Meaningful cards/books, bday and Xmas gifts is fine. I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever. You do what you need to keep your sanity in your small quarters.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[bisous]

Man. All I can say is that I want to be a better minimalist after watching the toll that stuff takes on my family, on my parents' family, etc. Yet during the pandemic some of the "stuff" we had accumulated actually did come in handy! Having lots of toys still to rotate, all of our books, board games, etc. has been nice. My favorite thing with Marie Kondo is the silly idea of thanking stuff. It sounds hokey to some, but it makes me feel free and gracious instead of feeling guilty about letting stuff go!

Thank you for all your commiseration!

[candaceb]

I have a de-cluttering business, so I deal with both ends of this problem.
My suggestion is "one in, one out". If your children want to accept something from the grandparents, they have to pick something else to donate/pitch/whatever.

[bisous]

I have a de-cluttering business, so I deal with both ends of this problem.
My suggestion is "one in, one out". If your children want to accept something from the grandparents, they have to pick something else to donate/pitch/whatever.

This is a good strategy. My kids have issues with getting rid of things. I have danced around it for years by being an "ultra-organizer" and just fitting more stuff in! Or alternately decluttering for them while they are in school. I don't feel like either of those is really the answer. Something like a one in, one out would be GREAT for them and we're going to work towards it!

[hbridge]

My parents are starting to clean out EVERYTHING in anticipation of them not being here anymore. It makes DC so uncomfortable. I finally had to tell them to stop giving us their beloved possessions because of how it was making DC react.

It is SO hard! Definitely let them know if there is something specific you want to keep, because they have also gotten rid of stuff I really wanted (I barely saved the wedding dress from the trash).

Also, start getting your kids to clean out early in life. We have friends that run a few charities, so early on DC would clean out and donate to the children that they service. It helped. Also, when I got really frustrated I would simply tell them each "FIVE thing...go" and they had to come up with FIVE things to get rid of... It worked and now the teenager comes to me with things to get rid of on a regular basis.

[California]

My paternal grandma did this to my mom, so my mom is very conscientious about not doing this to us. Grandma always went straight to us kids. She would load us up with stuff to take home. I still remember being upset with my mom when she refused to let us keep all of the old stuffed animals Grandma had found in the back of her closet. I was probably 8. And they weren’t even cute stuffed animals, or sentimental. They were just “from Grandma.” Funny memory now!! I guess I can relate to your kids! When you are young and Grandma tells you something is special, you tend to believe her. I’m grateful now that my mom played gatekeeper.

[gatorsmom]

. My favorite thing with Marie Kondo is the silly idea of thanking stuff. It sounds hokey to some, but it makes me feel free and gracious instead of feeling guilty about letting stuff go!

I haven’t read Marie Kondo so I didn’t know this but I love it! There are some things I’m having a difficult time getting rid of and I think this might help me move it out of our life. It’s just a silly little thing but it’s been bugging me. Thank you for metntioning this!