Suggestions for elderly friend who just lost her husband and main means of support

[gatorsmom]

At one of the charities where Dh and I are pretty active, a well-known, very beloved volunteer passed away. Just last night, actually. It’s weird how similar his illness and how he passed are EXACTLY what my dad went through. Same cancer, same illness progression, also died peacefully in his sleep. Sadly, he and his wife Beth, were never able to have kids. Her closest relative is her sister an hour away. She is coming to be with Beth today. Beth doesn’t drive and has some health issues of her own. Her had asked me this summer to drive her to her doctors appointment an hour away and I got to know her then. She is nice and funny and we hit it off. I offered to drive her to the meeting to organize the funeral and basically anything else she might need but she’s in shock today. Dh will work with the Knights of Columbus to provide pallbearers if she would like and she asked my sons to do the readings at the mass.

But she’s alone and doesn’t drive. What else can I do? Should I keep checking on her to see if she’d like to go to lunch in a week or so? Maybe go to mass with us on Sunday and some weekdays? What else? She actually lives nearby. I don’t want to pester her but Dh and I promised her husband 6 months ago that we would take care of her in whatever way she needed when he passed. He was a big, loud and talkative personality and I imagine her home feels very quiet right now without him. :(

Any helpful suggestions?

[doberbrat]

I would definitely offer to drive her to Mass when you're going. And groceries and anything else that she might be able to do if its not too much of a burden on your family. Find out what elder services are available in your town and put her in touch. Her ins co may help with transportation to/from appts though I know from my mom getting help with getting to dialysis, it isnt always convenient. I'd also make sure her phone is up to date and has uber and teach her how to use it, etc. Maybe your kids can help with yard work? If your church offers help I'd make sure she's linked with that as well.

Its so hard for the elderly when they dont drive :(

[gatorsmom]

I would definitely offer to drive her to Mass when you're going. And groceries and anything else that she might be able to do if its not too much of a burden on your family. Find out what elder services are available in your town and put her in touch. Her ins co may help with transportation to/from appts though I know from my mom getting help with getting to dialysis, it isnt always convenient. I'd also make sure her phone is up to date and has uber and teach her how to use it, etc. Maybe your kids can help with yard work? If your church offers help I'd make sure she's linked with that as well.

Its so hard for the elderly when they dont drive :(

These are really good suggestions. None of this is a burden. I have 4 drivers in the house now and cars for each of them. We should be able to help! Thank you for the ideas. Keep ‘ em coming.

[gamma]

A local widow and widowers support group.

[Kestrel]

is she a member of your church? If so, I would ask your pastor/priest for help. I'm sure it's something they have dealt with many times. They may have groups and contacts you are not aware of.

[crn]

Since she doesn’t have family nearby, I wonder if she would enjoy joining your family for occasional meals or holidays in the coming months? Growing up, we had an elderly neighbor in a similar situation who would sometimes do this. She might at least appreciate the offer, even if she doesn’t choose to come.

[PunkyBoo]

I don't have any suggestions- the PPs have wonderful ideas for you- but I just want to say Gatorsmom, you have such a big and giving heart, you are such a blessing to your family and your community is so lucky to have you. Your spirit shines through in all your posts here, and the BBB community is lucky to have you, too. [emoji3590]

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[gatorsmom]

I don't have any suggestions- the PPs have wonderful ideas for you- but I just want to say Gatorsmom, you have such a big and giving heart, you are such a blessing to your family and your community is so lucky to have you. Your spirit shines through in all your posts here, and the BBB community is lucky to have you, too. [emoji3590]

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Thank you for saying this. This week has been downright horrible. I really appreciate you saying this.

[Philly Mom]

I don't have any suggestions- the PPs have wonderful ideas for you- but I just want to say Gatorsmom, you have such a big and giving heart, you are such a blessing to your family and your community is so lucky to have you. Your spirit shines through in all your posts here, and the BBB community is lucky to have you, too. [emoji3590]

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I also don’t have much to add but was thinking the same thing. You are a giving, kind hearted person. Someone willing to show up is so rare. The fact that you are willing to do that for someone new in your life, shows how special you are.


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[carolinamama]

I don't have any suggestions- the PPs have wonderful ideas for you- but I just want to say Gatorsmom, you have such a big and giving heart, you are such a blessing to your family and your community is so lucky to have you. Your spirit shines through in all your posts here, and the BBB community is lucky to have you, too. [emoji3590]

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I completely agree with this. Your posts have a feeling of peace, love and acceptance and I'm sure your example spreads to your family and beyond.

[mommy111]

I don't have any suggestions- the PPs have wonderful ideas for you- but I just want to say Gatorsmom, you have such a big and giving heart, you are such a blessing to your family and your community is so lucky to have you. Your spirit shines through in all your posts here, and the BBB community is lucky to have you, too. [emoji3590]

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Just want to echo this!
we have an elderly relative in the same situation and it’s so rare that people think of this. She lives 7-8 hours away but we make an effort to drive there every holiday. She really appreciates it……so I think taking her to mass with you, grocery shopping once a week, setting up her ride service for appointments and support groups would all be absolutely wonderful

[gatorsmom]

I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful support. Last week was brutal and your comments actually made me cry, I was so touched.

As for my friend, your ideas were spot on. She's getting a lot of help from people at our charity who knew her husband, but she doesn't have much of a plan for groceries, picking up medications, etc. Her phone could use some updating too. I took her to choose her DH's burial spot today at the cemetery and overheard some phone conversations with church friends. It sounds like lots of people are trying to take over the funeral preparations but she's not getting more basic help. As I get to know her better, maybe she will feel more comfortable about asking me or DH for rides when she needs them. Or DSs.

It did surprise me that she and her DH did not have the cemetery plots purchased ahead of time or any funeral plans. He was sick with cancer so they knew the end was coming. He asked DH to help take care of her but then he didn't plan for their funerals? It's such an awful thing to do. I'm just surprised he left that to his wife to handle alone.

[icunurse]

Meals on Wheels? It’s a lot of work to cook for one and the visits might help to break up the day.

Maybe make sure she is tech savvy and then she can get all the benefits of computers (games, movies, email) and internet.

Does she have a pet? Even something small like a fish or a cat allows her to continue to nurture (her call on any animals, of course)

Thank you for looking out for her. Sometimes we want to give people who are grieving space when they really need support.