ISO ideas / tips for helping quiet child

[jgenie]

One of my DC is very quiet. He generally hangs in the background and doesn’t say much. He’s happy and well adjusted but has been getting comments for years from teachers that he needs to speak up in class more often to ask questions and share his thoughts. He can’t seem to cross the threshold. How do I help him? He will never be the center of attention but he is a great kid and is liked by everyone. We’re a family of introverts and tend to be very quiet as a family. How do I work on our conversation skills? We have Table Topics and I plan to pull those out to see if it helps at home. TIA

[lizzywednesday]

I have no advice, but this sounds so much like my nephew JR that I think I'll be following.

He's got the double-whammy of being the middle of 3 and he takes a while to thaw out, but he's such a big-hearted kid that it hurts my sister and I to see him left out in favor of more extroverted behaviors.

[SnuggleBuggles]

your inbox is full. :)

[mnj77]

I might think about pushing back on these teacher comments some. If he’s happy and getting his needs met, does he really need to be louder? Is he communicating well in writing? Can he ask the teacher or another student privately if he has a question? Is he willing to give an oral presentation if it’s assigned? I get tired of the world expecting introverts to become extroverts to make the extroverts more comfortable :)

[carolinamama]

Does your DS advocate for himself when he needs something? For example, speaking up when he doesn't understand a problem or has a need(bathroom etc)? If so, I'd be inclined to accept him the way he is. Some people love participating in class discussions, others want to observe and process. Both are equally engaged in the class. To me, personal advocacy is the most important piece since it's a necessary life skill. Raising your hand to answer a math problem isn't. Of course, some classes have a grade attached to class participation so maybe this isn't an option but I don't like the idea of forcing it.

[jgenie]

your inbox is full. :)

I cleared space!


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[Liziz]

I might think about pushing back on these teacher comments some. If he’s happy and getting his needs met, does he really need to be louder? Is he communicating well in writing? Can he ask the teacher or another student privately if he has a question? Is he willing to give an oral presentation if it’s assigned? I get tired of the world expecting introverts to become extroverts to make the extroverts more comfortable :)


Does your DS advocate for himself when he needs something? For example, speaking up when he doesn't understand a problem or has a need(bathroom etc)? If so, I'd be inclined to accept him the way he is. Some people love participating in class discussions, others want to observe and process. Both are equally engaged in the class. To me, personal advocacy is the most important piece since it's a necessary life skill. Raising your hand to answer a math problem isn't. Of course, some classes have a grade attached to class participation so maybe this isn't an option but I don't like the idea of forcing it.

I agree with both of these! If he's uncomfortable speaking up/advocating for himself, then my advice is to encourage him to be the one to speak for himself in every possible situation - ordering at a restaurant, paying at the store, answering the doctor/dentist's questions, asking the shop clerk a question etc. If it's uncomfortable for him, practice in advance what he's going to say and build him up or talk him through, and role play at home. I wouldn't force him, but I'd keep encouraging.

But like the PPs have said, if he's able to speak up and advocate for himself when he needs, but he just chooses to be quieter, then good for him for knowing who he is! I do think extroversion often gets celebrated while introversion is seen as negative in social situations, and there's no reason for that.

If you're just looking to foster a better communication ability, I've recently grabbed these "Let's Talk" cards from Target that have a discussion question on each one. I think it may be like the "Table Topics" you referred to? I pull them out when conversation lags at dinner (or the kids start bickering, lol). I really encourage my kids to fully answer the question -- not just a few words, but to give a detailed answer, explain why they're answering that way, etc. When possible (some topics are better than others!) we try to have a discussion about each person's answer -- how the rest of us react to it, what questions we might have about it, etc. I do think it's a great way to just practice moving through a conversation and keeping a conversation going. We only do them occasionally because I want my kids to have fun with them and not feel like it's the chore I'm forcing on them -- and in reality, I just got them for fun, nothing more (my kids are chatterboxes) - but I do think it's been great for encouraging them to learn to express themselves better verbally.

[basil]

Oh this was so me as a kid. I continually got this feedback throughout my 20 years of education. I would make sure that you differentiate between a kid who is anxious about speaking up from one who is just temperamentally quiet. These are two different things that often get confused by teachers, especially those who are more extroverted. I think extroverts tend to assume that quieter people must just be too nervous to speak up - and some are! (And some are conditioned to be more nervous/anxious about speaking up if they received years' worth of feedback that they are too quiet). But some people (would include myself) are just not that interested in hearing themselves talk, interrupting others, being the center of attention, and prefer to share their ideas in other ways. If this is your kid, I'd leave him alone.

As PP said, as long as he can speak up when needed, I would not change much. I still don't like group zoom meetings where everyone is kind of butting in and not using the hand raising function, or "mix and mingle networking" events, but otherwise I'm just fine.

A funny note - my DS is NOT like this at all. He came home yesterday glowing about a small reading group he was selected for which is ~10 kids and the best thing about it? "Mom, you don't even have to raise your hand, you can just talk whenever you want to!" Sounds tortuous for me, but he loves the opportunity to get people to listen to him as much as possible :) My DD is much more like me and very quiet, but confident in herself. Temperament is a funny thing!

[twowhat?]

Following. Both of my kids are like this, and I was like this growing up (still am, really). My kids DO have trouble advocating for themselves, which really bothers me and I don't know the best way to help them there. For example, DD1 once forgot to take a fork for her lunch. She was just going to either eat with her hands or not eat at all, but a friend offered to grab her a fork from the cafeteria line. DD2 has a broken PE locker. She has been sharing with a friend but she really ought to get her own locker sorted. I've tried and tried to get her to talk to the coach, and she has, but she will do it once and then not want to follow up. I have many many many more examples.

I was the same way growing up. And YES I believe it's a detriment beyond just simply being quiet and introverted. I struggle with this still as an adult - part of it is just wanting to avoid confrontation. For example if a restaurant gets my order wrong half the time I'm just like fine, I'll eat it anyway. DH on the other hand is like "you PAID for that, they need to get it right." And I agree, I need to speak up for myself more - at least when it matters to me. I had a boss flag me for basically being too introverted before, assuming that I wasn't interested in getting to know people. In reality, I was getting to know plenty of people 1:1 behind the scenes. I DID submit a rebuttal for this totally unfair assessment. But it's one example of extroverts being reward and introverts being punished unfairly and the unconscious bias against introverts which is a huge problem that's probably beyond the scope of this thread.

If your DS is simply quiet, I don't see anything wrong with that (apart from the societal problems of rewarding extroverts, which sucks). If he's having trouble advocating for himself though, I have no advice but I am following.

One thing that DH has been super strict about is having our kids order meals on their own when we eat out. They struggled and struggled with this but now they're able to do it with minimal stress. 1) you have to speak up, raising your voice to be heard and 2) you're speaking about your wants/needs.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Oh this was so me as a kid. I continually got this feedback throughout my 20 years of education. I would make sure that you differentiate between a kid who is anxious about speaking up from one who is just temperamentally quiet. These are two different things that often get confused by teachers, especially those who are more extroverted. I think extroverts tend to assume that quieter people must just be too nervous to speak up - and some are! (And some are conditioned to be more nervous/anxious about speaking up if they received years' worth of feedback that they are too quiet). But some people (would include myself) are just not that interested in hearing themselves talk, interrupting others, being the center of attention, and prefer to share their ideas in other ways. If this is your kid, I'd leave him alone.

As PP said, as long as he can speak up when needed, I would not change much. I still don't like group zoom meetings where everyone is kind of butting in and not using the hand raising function, or "mix and mingle networking" events, but otherwise I'm just fine.



:yeahthat: yup, this exactly.

My DD (10) definitely has/had anxiety about speaking up (Selective Mutism). and dh and i have had some anxiety on this to some degree. though my DD has really made strides, through help of her therapist. She recently did the morning announcements at her school for an entire week (involves 5 minutes of speaking, on-camera to her whole school). She orders all her meals at restaurants (through a mask) . She raises her hand in class often. Most recently, she organized her 2 friends/classmates from school to do a Science Fair project and hosted the meeting at our house yesterday. Though, my DD is like me- she is shy but actually likes to be social and around people...she was just having anxiety about it. My DH on the other hand, is an extreme introvert and doesn't like to be around people in general. LOL. The latter, not sure if there is a "cure" for that. He hates any sort of confrontation, but even if he wasn't, he doesn't like to be around people. Me, i like to be around people, but i am quiet because i think it's RUDE to interrupt people (hard for me in a professional setting, which is very male-dominated, lots of egos, older men constantly talking over each other). And yes, i hate hearing myself talk.

My DS is probably the best out of the whole family on this - sometimes to the point of being arrogant. In this case my DS is teaching DH and I thing or two!

in OP's case i would maybe try an activity like school announcements, or another school team activity that involves talking - if you think anxiety about speaking is the issue. one thing that may play a role (it did for me, and for my kids) is fear of rejection or failure...being afraid of saying something wrong, or being laughed at, or whatever (this plays into the anxiety facotr). Early this year, DD really wanted to be on the school lego robotics team (5th grade only) and she applied but she didn't make it in. She was really sad at first, but then i signed her up for a virtual 6week course in Outschool for robotics. I sat down with her to do it each week, but then she eventually did it on her own and she was able to do it really well and she got good at it. That really built up her confidence and i swear it has helped her in other aspects (in doing the announcements, in talking to friends).

[mom_hanna]

I would just say to be careful. Wanting to "help" him can come across as there is something wrong with him, even though I am sure that is not your intention. There is nothing wrong with being a quiet personw ho hangs in the background. It's only really an issue if he gets taken advantage or walked over because of it. I would ask the teachers to back off. Why does he need to speak up more? Is he not doing well? Ask them why they think he needs to be more than who he is.

[squimp]

I didn't catch how old he was. We have known a number of kids in K-3 like this who kind of blossomed into more confident participants in late elementary or middle school.

In our schools, class participation has always been an important factor in grading, and so the lesson is that kids need to try. So, if he's in middle school, I would talk about this being important for participating in school. I would encourage him to try to speak up in class every day or every week, or at least try. Ask a question or answer a question. My daughter doesn't love speaking out in class in high school, but she has learned it's important and so she tries to think of a way to participate most every day and get it over early in the class. She will often have her hand up first - she definitely doesn't dominate the discussion but she is seen by the teachers.