Question re therapist for teen

[3isEnough]

My 16 yo son has seen a therapist off and on in the past. The 1st one we tried (when DS was 13ish) wasn't a good fit at all, but the 2nd one my DS seemed to like and he willingly (with mild resistance) went for probably 15 sessions. This was pre-pandemic when he was 14.

About 6 weeks ago I felt like he really needed to go so I set an appt with the 2d therapist. It was a video appt since that's all the therapist had available. DH was supposed to tell DS a day or two before, but somehow failed to do so until right before the appt. As a result, DS refused to get on the call. We, in speaking with the therapist during that appt, tried to get DS on the call but he absolutely refused. By the end of the call, the therapist told me to get in touch when DS is ready and willing to attend a session. The therapist was very nonchalant about the whole thing and basically said it's DS's call whether to attend.

I understand that position in theory, but the issue is I know DS is really depressed. I worry about him a lot and know he needs help. He's really angry about 80% of the time, often wastes hours upon hours on tik tok and other mindless stuff, and we argue frequently. If nothing else, I think a therapist would be helpful for our relationship.

I don't know what to do. Do I find a new therapist who thinks it's important to see a client when the parents say he's really depressed, even if the teen says he doesn't want to go? I don't understand why the therapist we all really liked believes it's ok for a depressed teen to say he doesn't want to go. No sh!t he doesn't want to go, he's suffering from depression.

I can normally think these things through clearly but am having a hard time with this one, especially because it all lands on me and DH isn't much help. Any words of wisdom or advice?

[California]

My teens would probably refuse to talk to the therapist in that scenario too.

Could you start by finding a licensed parenting coach or therapist to work with yourself? They could coach you on the best ways to support DS and ways to try to encourage DS to see a therapist, without it becoming a power struggle.

[niccig]

My teens would probably refuse to talk to the therapist in that scenario too.

Could you start by finding a licensed parenting coach or therapist to work with yourself? They could coach you on the best ways to support DS and ways to try to encourage DS to see a therapist, without it becoming a power struggle.

Yes to getting help for you. We worked with a behavior specialist when DS was diagnosed with his medical condition. She spent half her time working with DH and I. DS was also more open to what she suggested. Worth every out of pocket pennies! Our insurance didn’t cover her services


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[gatorsmom]

I have an 18yo ds and 14yo ds who struggle with depression and see a therapist. In fact, my 18yo saw his therapist yesterday so I have some understanding of your concerns. The therapy appointments are important.

I realize it was last minute but did your ds have other plans and that is why he didn’t want to jump onto the zoom call? I guess I’m trying to understand why he was resistant. Did he explain why he didn’t want to do the therapy appointment? Does he not like this therapist? At one point, my ds1 was seeing a therapist he didn’t really care for and he would have grumbled about being told last minute about his appointment time. But he really likes his newest therapist and looks forward to talking to her and working things out with her help. He actually schedules his appointments with her himself.

Does your ds agree that he needs therapy? Does he recognize that he’s depressed? Past of the problem is, that he’s 16yo and very soon you won’t be able to make him go to therapy appointments. He’s going to have to see the value in them and want to go. To make sure he continues with his therapy, I think you have to start by talking to your son and making sure he understands what the therapy should be doing for him. And make sure he’s aware of when therapy appointments are coming up on the calendar. I hope you can get this resolved. I know how worrisome it can be to watch our kids struggle with this.

[carolinamama]

Both of my boys (16 and 13) have seen a therapist on and off for anxiety and depression. Watching our kids struggle like this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. It sounds like your DS felt blindsided by the appointment. He's likely feeling a lack of control in his life if he's depressed so a sudden appointment that required him to be vulnerable felt beyond his capabilities. I can completely see my DS1 digging in his heels too even though he's very willingly gone to past therapy appointment. I've found things work better when my boys have some control over the situation. It could be as simple as telling him you will be scheduling a therapy appointment and asking him which works better between two available times. Or maybe he would prefer a different therapist. My boys see a male and really like him. Sometimes they just talk face to face and other times it's been while playing xBox or toss in his office. Sometimes I think teens forget that they can feel better and that there is help out there.

Possible unpopular opinion - limit the tiktok/YouTube/mindless phone time. Take screens out of his bedroom at a certain time before bed or altogether out of his room. Remind him it's not him but the social media and app developers that purposely addictive content to maintain his attention. He still won't like it. Make sure he gets healthy food and plenty of sleep. Encourage or require certain chores that get him moving and out of the house if possible. I'll have DS1 walk the dogs with me as part of his family chores. He balks, sulks and complains for the first 1/2 mile but gradually starts chatting with me. Nothing deep but getting out of the house and walking helps. Your DS may not be in this place yet, but offer to do volunteer work with him if possible. DS1 and I regularly volunteered together at the food bank pre-pandemic. We haven't been back but are scheduled to go the week before Christmas.

Hang in there - your DS is fortunate to have parents to support him. The idea of you and DH working with a parenting coach or therapist is a good one if your DS doesn't change his mind. His pediatrician could also be a good resource. Hugs to you

[ezcc]

I'm not sure what the therapist could have done differently- if your ds is refusing to go they certainly can't reach through the computer screen and make them. I would focus on getting ds to agree to an appointment, if he liked this therapist I don't think you need to find a new one unless ds says he'd rather see someone new. I think springing it on him last minute was the problem, I haven't done therapy but I know I need to time to mentally prepare for almost any kind of meeting/appointment and I would certainly think someone who is depressed needs a little time to summon the energy for something like that.

[vludmilla]

Possible unpopular opinion - limit the tiktok/YouTube/mindless phone time. Take screens out of his bedroom at a certain time before bed or altogether out of his room. Remind him it's not him but the social media and app developers that purposely addictive content to maintain his attention. He still won't like it. Make sure he gets healthy food and plenty of sleep. Encourage or require certain chores that get him moving and out of the house if possible. I'll have DS1 walk the dogs with me as part of his family chores. He balks, sulks and complains for the first 1/2 mile but gradually starts chatting with me. Nothing deep but getting out of the house and walking helps. Your DS may not be in this place yet, but offer to do volunteer work with him if possible. DS1 and I regularly volunteered together at the food bank pre-pandemic. We haven't been back but are scheduled to go the week before Christmas.

Hang in there - your DS is fortunate to have parents to support him. The idea of you and DH working with a parenting coach or therapist is a good one if your DS doesn't change his mind. His pediatrician could also be a good resource. Hugs to you

I think this is good advice about trying to cut back the mindless tiktok time and getting him active and involved in activities, even those as small as walking the dog, emptying the dishwasher while you make dinner... Depression leads to less physical movement and activity so one basic way to start to mitigate it (in a very small way) is to get actively involved in something, even a very small and mundane thing.

Has your son been evaluated for his depression by a medical doctor? If not, I'd consider starting with that. If you like your pediatrician, they could be a good first contact for this.

[3isEnough]

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful and helpful input. I read everything and will be back later today when I have more time to respond. I knew the BBB would have great input!

[3isEnough]

My teens would probably refuse to talk to the therapist in that scenario too.

Could you start by finding a licensed parenting coach or therapist to work with yourself? They could coach you on the best ways to support DS and ways to try to encourage DS to see a therapist, without it becoming a power struggle.

This is a great idea and not something that would have occurred to me. This is, in part, I think why I was a bit disappointed in how things played out with the therapist - it would have been really helpful had he suggested something along these lines, I guess my frustration with the therapist was that it was presented to me as a binary solution - either DS goes or doesn't go, end of story, as opposed to "here are some other things you can try...".

Thank you for the suggestion.

[3isEnough]

Yes to getting help for you. We worked with a behavior specialist when DS was diagnosed with his medical condition. She spent half her time working with DH and I. DS was also more open to what she suggested. Worth every out of pocket pennies! Our insurance didn’t cover her services [/url]

Thank you for the confirmation on how things played out with your DS, that's really helpful to hear.

[3isEnough]

I have an 18yo ds and 14yo ds who struggle with depression and see a therapist. In fact, my 18yo saw his therapist yesterday so I have some understanding of your concerns. The therapy appointments are important.

I realize it was last minute but did your ds have other plans and that is why he didn’t want to jump onto the zoom call? I guess I’m trying to understand why he was resistant. Did he explain why he didn’t want to do the therapy appointment? Does he not like this therapist? At one point, my ds1 was seeing a therapist he didn’t really care for and he would have grumbled about being told last minute about his appointment time. But he really likes his newest therapist and looks forward to talking to her and working things out with her help. He actually schedules his appointments with her himself.

Does your ds agree that he needs therapy? Does he recognize that he’s depressed? Past of the problem is, that he’s 16yo and very soon you won’t be able to make him go to therapy appointments. He’s going to have to see the value in them and want to go. To make sure he continues with his therapy, I think you have to start by talking to your son and making sure he understands what the therapy should be doing for him. And make sure he’s aware of when therapy appointments are coming up on the calendar. I hope you can get this resolved. I know how worrisome it can be to watch our kids struggle with this.

No, my DS didn't have other plans that day. He's resistant to doing anything we suggest or ask of him and isn't interested in therapy, mostly because he's stubborn. I totally get why the last-minute surprise wasn't a welcome one for him. I've done therapy in the past and I know I'd often have to get myself in the right frame of mind before walking in, so surprise therapy isn't fun for anyone. I know my DS likes, but probably doesn't LOVE, this therapist. I'm going to ask around a bit for other recommendations to see if there's anyone who might be a better fit.

I think my DS knows he's depressed and unhappy but isn't convinced therapy can help. You raise a really good point about the fact that he's 16 now and I won't be able to make him go to therapy soon, he's going to have to want it for himself. Which just means I'm more motivated to get this right before he turns 18. Thanks so much for your input.

[3isEnough]

Both of my boys (16 and 13) have seen a therapist on and off for anxiety and depression. Watching our kids struggle like this is one of the hardest parts of parenting. It sounds like your DS felt blindsided by the appointment. He's likely feeling a lack of control in his life if he's depressed so a sudden appointment that required him to be vulnerable felt beyond his capabilities. I can completely see my DS1 digging in his heels too even though he's very willingly gone to past therapy appointment. I've found things work better when my boys have some control over the situation. It could be as simple as telling him you will be scheduling a therapy appointment and asking him which works better between two available times. Or maybe he would prefer a different therapist. My boys see a male and really like him. Sometimes they just talk face to face and other times it's been while playing xBox or toss in his office. Sometimes I think teens forget that they can feel better and that there is help out there.

Possible unpopular opinion - limit the tiktok/YouTube/mindless phone time. Take screens out of his bedroom at a certain time before bed or altogether out of his room. Remind him it's not him but the social media and app developers that purposely addictive content to maintain his attention. He still won't like it. Make sure he gets healthy food and plenty of sleep. Encourage or require certain chores that get him moving and out of the house if possible. I'll have DS1 walk the dogs with me as part of his family chores. He balks, sulks and complains for the first 1/2 mile but gradually starts chatting with me. Nothing deep but getting out of the house and walking helps. Your DS may not be in this place yet, but offer to do volunteer work with him if possible. DS1 and I regularly volunteered together at the food bank pre-pandemic. We haven't been back but are scheduled to go the week before Christmas.

Hang in there - your DS is fortunate to have parents to support him. The idea of you and DH working with a parenting coach or therapist is a good one if your DS doesn't change his mind. His pediatrician could also be a good resource. Hugs to you

You're right in that my DS felt blindsided by the appointment, and I completely understand why - no one would like that. For past appointments, I always told DS several days in advance of appointments. This time my DH was going to tell him and somehow forgot to do so, so that's why the last minute reveal occurred. Your boys' therapist sounds great, I wish I could find someone like that - xbox and tossing a ball are my DS's two favorite activities.

I'm completely with you in theory on limiting tiktok/Youtube/etc. It drives me bonkers that he spends so much time on there but when I do try to limit his phone time he loses his mind. We've argued numerous times over his phone and xbox. The one thing that makes my DS different - he's a super athletic kid who has always been involved and has excelled in sports, however due to a heart condition we had to pull him from all sports 3 years ago. This is where a lot of his anger comes from. It's really difficult because my DH and I hate that he spends so much time on his phone, but every friend of his plays on a club team or high school team, so they're often out at sports practices or games. My DS would give anything to be able to participate in sports, so it's often hard to pull away his phone because it's his companion when friends are off at sports. It sucks.

Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it.

[3isEnough]

I'm not sure what the therapist could have done differently- if your ds is refusing to go they certainly can't reach through the computer screen and make them. I would focus on getting ds to agree to an appointment, if he liked this therapist I don't think you need to find a new one unless ds says he'd rather see someone new. I think springing it on him last minute was the problem, I haven't done therapy but I know I need to time to mentally prepare for almost any kind of meeting/appointment and I would certainly think someone who is depressed needs a little time to summon the energy for something like that.

I wasn't hoping he'd reach through the computer screen and make DS participate, rather it was where we left things after that call. He said to reach out when DS is ready to see him. My frustration is as I mentioned in another reply - the therapist treated it as a situation with only 2 solutions - either DS wants therapy and goes, or doesn't and stays home. I love the ideas previous posters provided, which would have been really helpful to hear from the therapist. And yes, I completely agree that a last-minute therapy surprise wouldn't be welcomed by anyone. When I scheduled the initial session with the therapist last month (the surprise session), I actually committed to that time slot going forward so DS had another appt scheduled a week later. He refused to go to that one too, but we talked about it several days in advance so he was aware it was on the calendar and we were able to have a calmer discussion about it. Regardless, he still refused to go.

[3isEnough]

I think this is good advice about trying to cut back the mindless tiktok time and getting him active and involved in activities, even those as small as walking the dog, emptying the dishwasher while you make dinner... Depression leads to less physical movement and activity so one basic way to start to mitigate it (in a very small way) is to get actively involved in something, even a very small and mundane thing.

Has your son been evaluated for his depression by a medical doctor? If not, I'd consider starting with that. If you like your pediatrician, they could be a good first contact for this.

Agreed on tiktok, etc. We try to get him out and moving as much as possible but he's a stubborn one! We did get him out with us to play pickleball today and that helped elevate his mood a lot. He hasn't been evaluated by his dr for depression yet. My DH is a physician so he provides the vast majority of care for my kids, meaning that although DS has an assigned physician they don't know each other well since DS only sees him once/year at most. I suffered from depression in my early 20's and definitely recognize it in DS, but it might help for him to hear it from his dr.

[gatorsmom]

Agreed on tiktok, etc. We try to get him out and moving as much as possible but he's a stubborn one! We did get him out with us to play pickleball today and that helped elevate his mood a lot. He hasn't been evaluated by his dr for depression yet. My DH is a physician so he provides the vast majority of care for my kids, meaning that although DS has an assigned physician they don't know each other well since DS only sees him once/year at most. I suffered from depression in my early 20's and definitely recognize it in DS, but it might help for him to hear it from his dr.

At my kids’ annual well-check exam with with their pediatrician, they are asked to complete a basic questionnaire that asks questions about their mental health. The score on that questionnaire lead Ds1’s pediatrician to suggest an appointment for Ds1 to be tested more thoroughly with a psychologist for depression. That was how we found out he was definitely struggling with depression and what kind it is. Does your Dh have access to those kinds of tests? Knowing the results might help convince your ds that he really does need help. I can’t seem to find the name of that questionnaire on my chart or I’d provide it here.

I’m sorry you are struggling with this.

[3isEnough]

At my kids’ annual well-check exam with with their pediatrician, they are asked to complete a basic questionnaire that asks questions about their mental health. The score on that questionnaire lead Ds1’s pediatrician to suggest an appointment for Ds1 to be tested more thoroughly with a psychologist for depression. That was how we found out he was definitely struggling with depression and what kind it is. Does your Dh have access to those kinds of tests? Knowing the results might help convince your ds that he really does need help. I can’t seem to find the name of that questionnaire on my chart or I’d provide it here.

I’m sorry you are struggling with this.

I recall that test being provided to at least one of my kids at one of their well-check appointments. I’ll ask DH about it and see if we can get a copy of it for my son to complete. I think it would be helpful for him to complete even if he did a self-assessment.

[Snow mom]

Agreed on tiktok, etc. We try to get him out and moving as much as possible but he's a stubborn one! We did get him out with us to play pickleball today and that helped elevate his mood a lot. He hasn't been evaluated by his dr for depression yet. My DH is a physician so he provides the vast majority of care for my kids, meaning that although DS has an assigned physician they don't know each other well since DS only sees him once/year at most. I suffered from depression in my early 20's and definitely recognize it in DS, but it might help for him to hear it from his dr.

I know seeing a doctor can be expensive, and probably seems wasteful if you have one “in house”, but it really, really seems like building a relationship with a primary care doc should be a priority at this point. He could probably even see a doctor now that isn’t a pediatrician. I know I really struggled having to find my own primary care doc as an adult after having seen the same pediatrician my whole life. Helping him find a primary care doc might be a lasting gift if there’s a chance he will stay in your area. But I’d get your DH out of his care except for as a parent/advocate.

It’s so tough to make new friends and to remake your image of who you are going to be as you get older but it sounds like he needs to find some new activities with peers (not his friends who play multiple sports) and thinking about who he is going to be if sports aren’t going to be his life. I’d focus on the first step of this (not a big lecture about finding new activities/ making new friends to a depressed kid): choose a single club or activity with peers in person he’d like to try and is able to participate in with his diagnosis. Yearbook? School paper? Ceramics class? Guitar or ukulele lessons?

[chlobo]

duplicate

[chlobo]

You're right in that my DS felt blindsided by the appointment, and I completely understand why - no one would like that. For past appointments, I always told DS several days in advance of appointments. This time my DH was going to tell him and somehow forgot to do so, so that's why the last minute reveal occurred. Your boys' therapist sounds great, I wish I could find someone like that - xbox and tossing a ball are my DS's two favorite activities.

I'm completely with you in theory on limiting tiktok/Youtube/etc. It drives me bonkers that he spends so much time on there but when I do try to limit his phone time he loses his mind. We've argued numerous times over his phone and xbox. The one thing that makes my DS different - he's a super athletic kid who has always been involved and has excelled in sports, however due to a heart condition we had to pull him from all sports 3 years ago. This is where a lot of his anger comes from. It's really difficult because my DH and I hate that he spends so much time on his phone, but every friend of his plays on a club team or high school team, so they're often out at sports practices or games. My DS would give anything to be able to participate in sports, so it's often hard to pull away his phone because it's his companion when friends are off at sports. It sucks.

Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it.

I hear so much caring and so much frustration in your post. You are at a loss and that is a hard, hard place to be. In the past we have used a therapist/parent coach who worked with us and sometimes also worked with the kids, as some of the previous posters mentioned. Maybe there is someone like that that you could access?

From my recollection of the teen years, hormones heighten the angst that teens feel so that sort of sucks extra for him. Is there any middle ground on the sports issue? Are there any activities that he *can* do? I'm sure it is terrifying to even consider. On the one hand you fear for his life because of his heart condition and on the other hand you fear for his life because of depression. It is too bad the doctor's office that diagnosed him wasn't able to provide some support or counseling at the time. Hang in there. Hopefully something will come of the great suggestions you have gotten here.

[MSWR0319]

Could he be a manager or still somehow participate in his sports or one of them? I think getting out and still being able to be present might really help. Not the same situation, but my DS has had a horrible year and a half in regards to injuries sidelining him from sports. He hasn't competed a whole season of anything since spring 2019. It was really starting to weigh on him with his last injury last set him out of cross country and soccer this fall with the exception of his last meet/game. He went to every single practice and game/meet for both sports this fall. It was literally a life saver. He wouldn't have made it through without doing that and would have been so depressed. He still wasn't super happy, but it did loads for his mental health. His cross country coach had him keeping times for her which also made him feel useful and part of the team. She had commented on how she couldn't believe he came to every practice even though he couldn't run. In reality, it was literally his therapy to get through dealing with his injuries. So maybe he could find something like that he can participate in? Or a job at a sports complex where his friends play? I don't know what sports he was involved in, but maybe there's a way to get him involved again?

[Pilotbaby]

Therapist here- it sounds like he was not expecting the appointment and had a not so great experience last time he was in therapy. His reaction was pretty appropriate given those circumstances. Does he identify that he is depressed? Does he want someone to talk to? If you can get to yes on those two questions, the next best step in my opinion would be to involve him in the process. Let him look over the names and profiles of the therapists available to you and let him help screen. Have him come up with a list of questions or qualities he would like in a therapist and let him pick someone who has those. Encourage him to choose some who offer free 15 minute consults so he can chat with them and get a feel for whether or not they are the right fit. The right fit is almost as equally as important as other qualities when it comes to a therapist. He needs someone he feels comfortable with. I always offer free consults with clients before they commit. I want them to have a chance to talk with me and decide whether or not they think they will be comfortable with me.

[niccig]

Does DS medical team have a therapist they can recommend? Someone who is familiar with his medical condition and the impact it has on his life? It may help if he’s told about needing to see a therapist by the Dr he sees who isn’t dad. Are there any athletic activities he is cleared to do?

We’re in a sort of similar situation - DS has a nerve pain condition and he is considering giving up soccer because of the rough play at this age (other players are grown men). DS sees a psychologist 2x month and has for a few years. The psychologist was recommended by the medical team. Often I don’t think DS has anything in particular to discuss at their appointments, but we’ve kept them for maintenance and just in case. So when DS was very upset over the soccer referees and we realized it was due to fear from his nerve pain condition, we emailed the psychologist and they’re now working through the fear DS has and discussing other sports he may want to do that don’t have physical contact if he decides to stop soccer. DS will need to have something else as he loves sports. So keep your DS seeing someone even when things seem fine as dealing with medical issues can come back. DS’ therapist moved away but keeps seeing DS via teletherapy. My only involvement is to remind DS of the appointment. I’m not even home most times he has it, it’s just become part of DS’ routine.

Does your DS drive yet? That has also helped DS with getting out of the house. He can make plans and go out without needing me to drive him. Even if it’s just to get something at Starbucks. A friend lives near the closest Starbucks so he often calls and they meet him there for an impromptu hang out. Just getting out of the house helps too.

I hope you can find someone who can help DS.


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