ISO advice- difficult subject- update in 41

[SnuggleBuggles]

Posting anonymously for another member…

Our high school had the shooting Tuesday. I can’t even believe I am writing that sentence. I have 2 kids in high school and 1 in middle. All are safe. All are affected in some way. We are all doing okay and getting through. I am looking for some advice though.

We are supposed to return to school Monday. It might change, but right now it’s Monday. I imagine elementary and middle schools will go back. I don’t think high school will go then, but they will some time. I’m struggling with how to send my kids back to high school building. How do they get through the days, and how to literally navigate the hallway where their classmates were shot. They both pass through it a couple times a day and there is no easy way to go around. I hope the school makes plans, but I don’t know what they would be. Or do we just not go back? That sounds better in a lot of ways, but it isn’t realistic either.

I’d appreciate any advice for how to prepare myself for watching them drive off to the school, for getting them prepared mentally to walk in the doors, and for going to where the shootings happened. And anything else, really.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[AnnieW625]

Can you talk to the school about potentially closing the wing where the shooting happened? It isn’t just the kids who will have to deal with this but the teachers and the administrators. I know it will be a reflection for everyone who has their classes moved as they would normally be in that building, but it might be something to think about.

I am assuming the district has grief counselors involved as well?

I can’t even imagine. Hugs to all.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AngB]

Posting anonymously for another member…

Our high school had the shooting Tuesday. I can’t even believe I am writing that sentence. I have 2 kids in high school and 1 in middle. All are safe. All are affected in some way. We are all doing okay and getting through. I am looking for some advice though.

We are supposed to return to school Monday. It might change, but right now it’s Monday. I imagine elementary and middle schools will go back. I don’t think high school will go then, but they will some time. I’m struggling with how to send my kids back to high school building. How do they get through the days, and how to literally navigate the hallway where their classmates were shot. They both pass through it a couple times a day and there is no easy way to go around. I hope the school makes plans, but I don’t know what they would be. Or do we just not go back? That sounds better in a lot of ways, but it isn’t realistic either.

I’d appreciate any advice for how to prepare myself for watching them drive off to the school, for getting them prepared mentally to walk in the doors, and for going to where the shootings happened. And anything else, really.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

I am so sorry. I would try to talk to other parents and then the school with some expectations...I'd think that hall should be closed for sure. I'd think lots of mental health resources for the whole school as well.
At this point Christmas is close enough that I don't think I'd send them back until January unless those things have been worked out, at minimum. (Easy for me to say as my kids are elementary and out with covid.) Now would be a great time for them to utilize virtual learning for the students/families that desire it.

[hbridge]

I can't even imagine what these families are going through...

My child experienced life changing trauma in school. They did not go back. It was only experienced by my child so there was no community support. That being said, they cannot enter the building and do not even want to drive up the driveway. It is made worse by the fact that most community events are held in this location, my child cannot attend due to severe PTSD.

That being said, the parents should encourage their kids to take part in any community healing and events they are comfortable with. Push a little, but not too hard. Let the kids dictate what they want to do and what they are comfortable with. Don't assume that they will be okay with something just because their friends are. Let each child make decisions for themselves, any and all fears and emotions are okay and valid. These are high school kids, give them space to grieve, space to be themselves, space to be heard; but don't push or make a plan FOR them. Make sure all plans include their input.

Having seen what trauma can do to a teen, there needs to be compassion forever for these kids. We are six years out and my child is still "recovering", not that "recovery" will ever happen completely. This was a single child and not nearly as serious as a school shooting!!!

Sending prayers to the victims, the school community and entire community.

[carolinamama]

I am so sorry.

Love and support. You all need to stay connected to each other and your community. Hopefully the schools will have mental health programs and counselors available. I'm not sure about staying home vs going back when the school opens. It's going to be hard either way and I think that needs to be made at an individual level, what's best for each child. As a parent, I can't imagine what you are going through but talking with other parents or even a therapist may be helpful for you.

Take care of yourself and your family.

[mom2binsd]

I can't imagine having to think about this, but you know your children best, and hopefully you and them can access any mental health counseling to guide in making a decision. Each family and student will react differently and I don't think there is an easy way to figure out what to do. I have thankfully never had to go through this, and hope those with experience will be of assistance. Take the time you all need to figure it out, not the timeline set forth by the school.

[Globetrotter]

My heart goes out to you and your community. This is the news that we all dread.
I guess it depends on the kid. I know for me I would probably have to do therapy to address this and encourage my kids to do so. If you have a parent chat with supportive parents, maybe that would help. I’m sure this is a support group that you never wanted to be a part of, but you will understand each other. If it’s possible, it makes sense to block off the area where this happened, at least until January.
It’s close to the holidays so this might be a good time to keep them at home, unless they would benefit from being around their peers. I’m sure the teachers will be very understanding and give them take home work, esp if you have Covid protocol and kids are staying home for that. And if they need time off, so be it.

[Snow mom]

I imagine there will be some communication from the high school about what the plans will look like. This has become a common enough thing that there must be a bit of blueprint of how schools should handle it and resources available. I would probably want my kids there for the community healing parts. I can't imagine the plan is to return to normal classes as usual so whatever spaces they are making available to students to process will be most available when school first reopens and I would want them there for that if they are able. I would try to avoid skipping weeks of school as I think it will just get harder to go back. Keep expectations low, have a plan for if they go and need to bail, but I would definitely encourage going and being part of the community.

When I read about the shooting this board was the first thing I thought of. I know we have several long term members in MI and I'm sorry that a family here was affected.

[bisous]

My cousin has kids at that high school too. I haven't heard a ton from her. She's kind of regrouping and spending a lot of time with her kids. I'm so sorry. It sounds incredibly difficult. The only thing I'll add is that you cannot be the only person with concerns from that school. I would try hard to make my worries known and see what kinds of plans the school plans to put in place. Sadly, my kids are afraid of high school shooters in a kind of abstract way already, in a way that I never had to deal with. I can't imagine how damaging it must be to have it be so very real for your kids.

[gobadgers]

I am so sorry to hear this. I truly cannot imagine and my thoughts are with you, your kids and your community.

Monday seems unrealistic for the high school, though there are probably many people who will find it easier to cope when back at school. I hope the administration finds a way to avoid the hallway, though it sounds like even that will be tough. I don't know of any good answers, except giving everyone lots of room to express what they need.

[niccig]

Oh hugs!!! When I saw where it was, I hoped it wasn’t your kids’ school. I agree with using community support and hopefully the school has a plan for return to school.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[JustMe]

I am so sorry. I really feel for you and one of my first thoughts after this particular shooting was to wonder what I would do if it happened at my kids' schools, particularly in terms of the things you are concerned about.

As a therapist, I agree with others who recommend accessing resources that are available. Remember that they will probably have therapists and others who are literally trained in how to help people through this situation. With your kids, one thing I can recommend is to point out positive/helpful decisions they made if that is relevant. Or even positive/helpful decisions others made that kept them safe. One thing that can happen after a trauma is that people will second guess themselves and others in ways that are not accurate, so it is reassuring when they realize that they do make good decisions.

[KpbS]

I’m really very sorry to hear this. You guys will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don’t think I would send my kids back, honestly. If there are online options through your school district or other schools to pursue I would do so. How do the kids feel?

We are homeschoolers and my kids go to school to days a week at a co-op and have online classes through an excellent online school separate from our local classes.

[carolinacool]

No advice, but I'm so, so sorry your kids experienced that. I can't imagine.

[gatorsmom]

I am so sorry to hear this. I truly cannot imagine and my thoughts are with you, your kids and your community.

Monday seems unrealistic for the high school, though there are probably many people who will find it easier to cope when back at school. I hope the administration finds a way to avoid the hallway, though it sounds like even that will be tough. I don't know of any good answers, except giving everyone lots of room to express what they need.

Oh no, I’m so so sorry. I agree that Monday seems terrifyingly soon. I could see kids finding comfort in being back with their friends or being even more terrified or sad. I think I’d talk with the kids and find out what they feel like doing. Keep talking about it with them to evaluate how they are progressing. I can’t even imagine.

[jgenie]

I am so very sorry your children and community had to witness this. We will be thinking of you and praying for all of you.

[firstbaby]

I am so sorry. You, your kids, your community has just been through a horrific trauma. I would try to just take each moment as it comes and not make any decisions about returning to school *right now*. I would access as many resources as I could for my kids to help them process. And go from there. Holding you all tight in my thoughts and prayers.

[infocrazy]

I imagine there will be some communication from the high school about what the plans will look like. This has become a common enough thing that there must be a bit of blueprint of how schools should handle it and resources available. I would probably want my kids there for the community healing parts. I can't imagine the plan is to return to normal classes as usual so whatever spaces they are making available to students to process will be most available when school first reopens and I would want them there for that if they are able. I would try to avoid skipping weeks of school as I think it will just get harder to go back. Keep expectations low, have a plan for if they go and need to bail, but I would definitely encourage going and being part of the community.

When I read about the shooting this board was the first thing I thought of. I know we have several long term members in MI and I'm sorry that a family here was affected.

I agree completely. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

I think perhaps it would be good if the school were able to do an open house of sorts or maybe offered some of the services inside the school. I think it would help everyone for the first time back if the kids could go with friends and parents to help have a lot of support walking back through the school and particularly the classrooms they were in when it all happened. Going to be very tough for everyone.

I do expect that particularly the first week or so the majority of the classes will be focused on grief counseling and there will be a lot of leeway in the classes.

I think the sherrif said it best. 11 injured but all harmed.

Whatever you think your kids need is the right decision.

[3isEnough]

I'm so very sorry. Previous posters have provided great advice so I have nothing to add, but I couldn't read and not post. I'm sincerely sorry your children had to go through that, no one ever should but especially a child/young adult.

[jamiechic]

I agree with previous posts … if the kids can attend, those first few days will be focused on resuming school and recovering. There will extra supports and could be the extra comfort needed to heal a little. If they miss those days, it may be harder to take that step back into school at a later date when those supports aren’t in place.

I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I’m so sorry!

[Kindra178]

I am so sorry. I think you need to have open talks with them about what they are feeling. As to going back to school, just one foot in front of the other. They might not make it a full day.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[WatchingThemGrow]

Oh, friend! I'm so very sorry. I don't have any advice yet better than what's been shared, but I'm def. going to pray for your family and for your community.

[Gracemom]

That is my biggest fear and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. Take advantage of trauma counseling as soon as possible. Listen to their concerns. Talk to someone about your feelings and fears. Take the kids' lead. They might be ok with going back to see friends and get back into the routine. Or they might need more support/time. Thinking about all of you!

[jawilli4]

No advice to give either but I am so incredibly sorry, too. Will be praying for you all.

[Myira]

No advice to give either but I am so incredibly sorry, too. Will be praying for you all.

Same as above, you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. This has got to be so difficult to navigate as a parent I cannot even imagine.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[dogmom]

All I can add dealing with adolescents with other traumas is to remember where they are in normal development. How we process things as adults is not how they process things. Peer groups are very important. So some kids might actually want to be back at school and be in a heightened emotional state with their peers. Teens experience things so much more intensively, partly because of some very real chemical intensity going through the body and neurotransmitters. For some kids an event like this will only be 20% more intense than their usually day to day intensity of trauma and emotions, but that would not be obvious to adults looking in from the outside. So I think it is really important to have a conversation with your child with at one of active listening with the for knowledge they may not talk to you that much. Also, kids hide stuff from us to protect us. The vast majority of kids have already thought about shooting at their school next most have already composed the text message in their head to us as parents if if happened to them. That is just a sad piece of reality they hide from us. They don’t know a world without it.

Edited: Looking back I realize it may look like I’m minimizing the trauma. That was not my intent. My intent is to say that as adults we are purposely blind to the trauma our kids are already experiencing and they are stronger than we know.

[wendibird22]

All I can add dealing with adolescents with other traumas is to remember where they are in normal development. How we process things as adults is not how they process things. Peer groups are very important. So some kids might actually want to be back at school and be in a heightened emotional state with their peers. Teens experience things so much more intensively, partly because of some very real chemical intensity going through the body and neurotransmitters. For some kids an event like this will only be 20% more intense than their usually day to day intensity of trauma and emotions, but that would not be obvious to adults looking in from the outside. So I think it is really important to have a conversation with your child with at one of active listening with the for knowledge they may not talk to you that much. Also, kids hide stuff from us to protect us. The vast majority of kids have already thought about shooting at their school next most have already composed the text message in their head to us as parents if if happened to them. That is just a sad piece of reality they hide from us. They don’t know a world without it.

Edited: Looking back I realize it may look like I’m minimizing the trauma. That was not my intent. My intent is to say that as adults we are purposely blind to the trauma our kids are already experiencing and they are stronger than we know.

I agree with this. And what we as adults need, and what kids need may be different. If it were me I'd let me kids take the lead on what they want to do and what they need and then just be there for them. I'd also want to get help for myself processing my own feelings, as I cannot imagine how terrifying this ordeal has been for all of the parents.

Many hugs to you and your community.

[dogmom]

I agree with this. And what we as adults need, and what kids need may be different. If it were me I'd let me kids take the lead on what they want to do and what they need and then just be there for them. I'd also want to get help for myself processing my own feelings, as I cannot imagine how terrifying this ordeal has been for all of the parents.

Many hugs to you and your community.

Oh, yeah, that. After the first few weeks get some help for yourself. Also, how you and your DH is going to process this is going to be different. Respect that and don’t let that cause stress between you. Do not be surprised is some random day next July you start having panic attacks and it gets traced back to this. There has been a lot of work in the trauma field over the last couple of decades. The thought used to be you HAD to talk about the events right away, or you would get long term trauma from it. Turns out that forcing people to talk about it right away actually can harm people. Sudden, traumatic events often put people in a bubble state. They will actually talk about emotional, sound, touch, taste being muted for days to weeks. (You might want to mention this to your kids and tell them it’s normal if they experience it. Because on some level all teens thing they are freaks and don’t think what they are experiencing is normal.)

[DualvansMommy]

Oh my! I can’t even use words that would convey your horrific and your poor children’s experiences. This will stay with them for life. So seeking trauma informed therapy with teen population will be a big piece of their recovery.

Lots of great advice given here so far. You’re in our thoughts as your family and community navigate days and months ahead of this.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[elizamom]

I'm so sorry. This breaks my heart. I couldn't read this and not let you know I will be praying for your family and all those involved.

My kids are in elementary school, and I don't think I could send them back after something like this. I think with time and conversation, you will know what is best for your children and family. Sending so much love your way.

[Melaine]

Thinking and praying on this thread all day. Wish I had a way to help or some solid advice. Praying your family and community finds healing and strength. Such a horrible hard and awful ordeal.

[erosenst]

All I can add dealing with adolescents with other traumas is to remember where they are in normal development. How we process things as adults is not how they process things. Peer groups are very important. So some kids might actually want to be back at school and be in a heightened emotional state with their peers. Teens experience things so much more intensively, partly because of some very real chemical intensity going through the body and neurotransmitters. For some kids an event like this will only be 20% more intense than their usually day to day intensity of trauma and emotions, but that would not be obvious to adults looking in from the outside. So I think it is really important to have a conversation with your child with at one of active listening with the for knowledge they may not talk to you that much. Also, kids hide stuff from us to protect us. The vast majority of kids have already thought about shooting at their school next most have already composed the text message in their head to us as parents if if happened to them. That is just a sad piece of reality they hide from us. They don’t know a world without it.

Edited: Looking back I realize it may look like I’m minimizing the trauma. That was not my intent. My intent is to say that as adults we are purposely blind to the trauma our kids are already experiencing and they are stronger than we know.

Thanks for this. Not to hijack, but there was a threat Thurs that something was going to happen at DDs high school on Friday. Admin sent out message that police were involved, the threat was not credible, but there would be increased police and admin presence Friday.

DD came home Friday and said that about 20% of the kids stayed home. Later it came up that none of her friends did - followed by a comment that shook me but I also know to be their truth. “At this point we are sort of accepting it could happen at any school any day.” This from my somewhat anxious kid, said calmly. (Insert rant about how this can possibly be our reality.)

But to dogmom’s point - being at school and processing with her friends was the best place she could have been. Guessing the same is true for some/many of the kids in Michigan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mikala]

Thanks for this. Not to hijack, but there was a threat Thurs that something was going to happen at DDs high school on Friday. Admin sent out message that police were involved, the threat was not credible, but there would be increased police and admin presence Friday.

DD came home Friday and said that about 20% of the kids stayed home. Later it came up that none of her friends did - followed by a comment that shook me but I also know to be their truth. “At this point we are sort of accepting it could happen at any school any day.” This from my somewhat anxious kid, said calmly. (Insert rant about how this can possibly be our reality.)

But to dogmom’s point - being at school and processing with her friends was the best place she could have been. Guessing the same is true for some/many of the kids in Michigan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes to both dogmom's post and this. Two local high schools received credible threats yesterday. One cancelled school, the other didn't but a teacher friend said all the kids were so stressed that no one was learning. Their experience in no way measures up to an actual incident like MI but we tend to underestimate the stress society is putting on kids and school staff every damn day.

I wish I had something constructive to say to the poster OP references but I got nothin beyond a whole lot of mama bear empathy and an inner fire for positive change.

[doberbrat]

DD came home Friday and said that about 20% of the kids stayed home. Later it came up that none of her friends did - followed by a comment that shook me but I also know to be their truth. “At this point we are sort of accepting it could happen at any school any day.” This from my somewhat anxious kid, said calmly. (Insert rant about how this can possibly be our reality.)


Its horrible that one of my 1st thoughts were that statistically speaking, it would happen to one of us eventually. Our school had a non credible threat as well this past fall and they had police from all over the region on campus. It was very upsetting for my dd.

OP, I can only say I'm thinking of you and your family. I'm sorry you're in this horrible place. Know that we support you - I hope you have good IRL support for yourself and your kids as well. I doubt I could ever send my child back but I'd have to see how she felt I guess.

[jacksmomtobe]

I am so sorry that this happened in your community. When Sandyhook occurred one of our parents was a well known Dr who dealt with childhood trauma. Two things that she said really stuck with me:

*Make sure your kids know that even though they might think they are old enough to deal with the situation on their own, they are still kids and it is really important for them to let the adults in their lives help them though the trauma. That you are there for them and they should not be carrying the weight of the situation on their own. I’m sure this is even more pertinent for high schoolers.
*Listen to your kids and realize that the fears they have as a result of this situation may not be the ones that you as an adult may think they have. Let them convey their thoughts and then help them address their fears and concerns .

I’m sure your community will have trauma resources to help you but I would guess different kids will be effected in different ways. You and your community are in my thoughts!

[scrooks]

I'm so sorry. I have no advice but I'm will pray for your family and community.

[MontrealMum]

Sending lots of hugs ❤️


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[candaceb]

I am so sorry. I knew you lived somewhere up in that direction and wondered about you after I heard the news.
I have a couple of therapist friends who where up there doing counseling on Friday. From what they said, it will be a while before the high school is open. One described it as a war zone.
In terms of navigating the return to school, I think one thing to remember is that there will be many other kids going through the same thing, and it is clear that there are lots of mental health professionals involved. Your kids definitely aren't alone in their struggles.

[Indianamom2]

I do not have advice for the member, but I am so very sorry anyone ever has to deal with this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[basil]

No advice, so sorry to hear. I'm sorry I don't know who you are, but I'm thinking of you and your kids.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Update:

Thank you for the advice. I have read through a few times.
K-8 go back tomorrow (Friday) for a half day. DS2 says he is ready. They are mostly going to the class they were locked down in last week and advisory for bonding and learning about dealing with trauma. They will have uniformed officers in the building, therapy dogs, counselors, etc. High school is out until January at least. I know they are working in there on the building, but I have no idea what they are doing. It was definitely a wreck, as someone said. Many rooms were locked and barricaded and kids left through windows. Kids should get their backpacks and coats back next week, so things are happening. All the teachers are having specific trauma training before having kids back. So many teachers in the schools have their kids here too. I don’t think there will be a lot of actual learning in the first week back, but hopefully there is more healing. I am still struggling with the thought of dropping my middle school kid off tomorrow. But I think being there is what he needs too.

Our community and area around us has been so great. We have a building that has a lot of activities in it – Urban Air, a boxing place, swim school, coffee shops, laser tag, etc. Everything has been free for any kid here. Not just high school. People give money to the coffee shops so they can give out drinks all day. People volunteer to work there so high school kids who normally do, don’t have to. Businesses donate meals and feed everyone there twice a day. There are therapy dogs, bunnies to hold, and trained counselors around all day. It’s pretty amazing. Having a safe place to hang out with friends has helped a lot of the kids.

My kids are doing okay, I think. My daughter is greatly missing her sketch book, which is still at school. She loves to draw and it’s a comfort. She will be glad to get that back. My son and I attended a funeral today. It was hard. His friend group has gotten together often. The high school is having a gathering tomorrow night (at an elementary). My son went to it last week and said 400-500 kids were there and it was good. They had the gym open, food for all, classrooms open to sit and talk, etc. This week, they are adding crafts, more games, movies. I’m encouraging my daughter, but she’s not ready yet.

My kids are all in band and/or orchestra. Our music directors put our fight song music out to as many other directors as they could. Every night I do a search on Facebook and You Tube for more recordings. It’s so fun! Bands have included it in their winter concerts learning it in just a couple of hours. My kids come running when they hear it playing and they just love it. I love there is something bringing a smile to their faces! The high school is working to get the kids instruments so they can play Christmas carols through neighborhoods.

Our PTOs have decorated the elementary and middle school buildings with lights and snowflakes. We’ve had huge bags of snowflakes delivered from around the area to help. Kids making them and sending them along. The schools will be a beautiful place tomorrow!

All and all, we’re okay. It’ll be a while before we are better than that though.

I’m so sorry so many schools had threats. I’m glad there is a terrorism charge because that is what it is. I cry and freak out for any sirens now. Even when we are all at home. I know some of the “false alarms” are legitimate as the person calling really believed there was danger. These kids have been so scared.

Thank you all again.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[Globetrotter]

OP, I teared up reading about everything your community is doing in response to this tragedy. HUGS.

[wendibird22]

Continuing to keep you and your community in my thoughts. It is so heartening to read how the very best in people is showing up to support your community at the very worst of times.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Thank you for speaking up here to let us know one of our own families was affected by this and thank you for sharing the update. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to your family and your community.

[JustMe]

Thanks for the update. I have been thinking about you. Hugs to you, your family, and your community.

[jgenie]

Keeping your family and community in our prayers.

[candaceb]

I saw in the paper this morning that the high school is reopening tomorrow. Sending you all strength for a peaceful return to school.

[Melaine]

I think about this all the time. Praying for your community still.