How to connect with my brother

[Melaine]

This is part question part vent. My brother and his wife of a decade split about 18 months ago. We had no warning and were completely shocked. I have not spoken to him since. At first he asked us specifically not to call as he was still processing. I tried to give lots of space. Did not call. Messaged on Facebook. Tried to be very empathetic and express our love for him and that we wanted him to be ok above all else.

He still hasn’t been in contact. I have tried everything I can do to reach out short of flying across the country (which, if it wasn’t a pandemic I would have probably done). The last time I asked if we could just talk on the phone for a few minutes on the weekend he said yes and then at last minute backed out and said something came up at work.

He told us that he was coming for Thanksgiving but I didn’t tell the kids because I was skeptical. He backed out less than a week before.

He backed out of Christmas last year for Covid Reasons.

He mentioned coming over the summer and it never happened.

I just found out he is now in Mexico traveling on vacation. It really hurt me that he couldn’t make it here to see my kids he hasn’t seen in 2 years but instead randomly went to Mexico for fun. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t going to tell any of us but my mom found out. He has talked a little more with her but not much.

I get that he is in a bad place, but how long will he ignore his family? My kids have honestly been so heartbroken about this. I don’t understand this and I don’t know how to reach him. Advice?

[Snow mom]

No real advice, but trying to understand the dynamic…. Are you in touch with his ex at all? When they were together did you have regular contact with his family? Was she the communicator or was he? We mainly keep in touch with my brothers family through my SIL. Even when only he and DN show up for something, I know it is at her insistence. It would be much harder to keep in touch with him alone.

[Melaine]

I have messaged her on Facebook a couple times. Once to reach out and express my concern that they were going through the divorce and that I would always care about her. and another time to congratulate her on a work thing. No response either time.
She was a better communicator than he was. She was definitely the social head of the couple. I think some of this is definitely the “guy” thing but not sure how flaky is normal for a 35 year old guy.

[musicalgrl]

Can you reach out to any of his friends to check in and see if he’s okay?

Are either of them on social media? If so, does that offer any details about how they’re spending their time?

Do they have kids?

What has he said to your mom?


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[DualvansMommy]

I would think about your relationship with the brother prior news of the divorce; were you guys always close? Did he reach out to you of his own accord or were you always the one reaching out?

Gently telling you that things can’t forced onto him or force him to talk to you more often. It may be a guy thing for not keeping up the family relationship, but if he was typically not in contact much prior the divorce, why expect it to change now after the fact? I would just keep offering my lines of communication open and leave it at that. I know from experience if family members is guilting me not not being in touch more often or visiting more, I just shut down even more. So during stressful periods in anyone lives, no one needs to be told you have to come out and visit. Not saying you or your mom did that, but offering another perspective.


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[PunkyBoo]

To kinda of echo what DualvansMommy said, he just might not be ready to talk about it to the people he cares about. He might not be ready for questions or discussions. It might have nothing to do with you and your kids, but everything to do with how he's processing the split. Covid didn't help matters, so he may just not be ready to be part of the family again yet. I'd continue to let him know you care and love him, without any pressure or strings attached and try not to make him feel guilty (not that you have).

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[3isEnough]

Is it possible he’s embarrassed - perhaps due to infidelity or just the breakdown of the marriage - and he’s avoiding you due to his own embarrassment or feelings of failure? If so, then know it’s not personal. I’d simply encourage you to reach out to him and remind him you’d love to catch up whenever he’s ready and there will be no judgement from you.

[California]

That is so tough. You are doing the right thing by letting him know you love him and are open to reconnecting.

I remember a period when one of my brothers backed off from family stuff after the end of a long term relationship. He did some jerky things that he pretends he never did (not to his ex, to us.) I think he was feeling sad and angry, and responded by doing some non-family friendly activities (short term party girlfriend, guy party trips) that he didn’t want to talk about with his mom and sister. Over a year later his new girlfriend, who had/has kids, initiated get-togethers again. She’s kept us all connected every since.

It really hurt when we were disconnected. I feel for you. I hope your brother gets to a place soon where he wants to talk. The love you’ve extended him will help.

[MSWR0319]

I would think about your relationship with the brother prior news of the divorce; were you guys always close? Did he reach out to you of his own accord or were you always the one reaching out?

Gently telling you that things can’t forced onto him or force him to talk to you more often. It may be a guy thing for not keeping up the family relationship, but if he was typically not in contact much prior the divorce, why expect it to change now after the fact? I would just keep offering my lines of communication open and leave it at that. I know from experience if family members is guilting me not not being in touch more often or visiting more, I just shut down even more. So during stressful periods in anyone lives, no one needs to be told you have to come out and visit. Not saying you or your mom did that, but offering another perspective.


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I agree with this. You can't make him talk to you and right now it seems clear that he isn't interested in talking. Maybe he's afraid that the only topic will be his divorce or how he's feeling. Maybe he's still processing things. Maybe he just wants to be by himself. If he didn't talk to you a lot before the divorce, I don't think things will change just because of the divorce. As much as it hurts (and I understand why it hurts), he's a grown man and there's no reason for him to feel ashamed about going to Mexico. Maybe he didn't tell anyone because he didn't want to be told he should have come home instead or that he shouldn't be vacationing. Maybe his trip to Mexico is a way to let some steam off after going through the divorce and covid. I'm another one that shuts down with more pressure or too much contact when I clearly don't want it, so I'd be careful about sending him too many messages. Sending a Christmas card is a good way to let him know you're thinking of him, but don't write any notes in it saying you want to talk to him, etc. A simple "Merry Christmas! Hope you're doing well. Love, Melaine". That way he knows you're still there but doesn't necessarily feel pressured to talk if he doesn't want to. I know this is so hard for you, but you really can't do anything about it and may end up pushing him farther if you aren't careful.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I’d personally just give him space. As said before, you can send a card but don’t add any guilt trip messages to it. But, the ball is in his court. Hang in there! He’ll come around!


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[Liziz]

If I recall from previous threads, your family was very close to his ex-wife (or really liked her) and the divorce hit you and your family quite hard. I wonder if your brother knows this and in some ways is avoiding contact because he doesn't want to deal with you guys processing it/talking about it/being sad about it/acting differently towards him now that his relationship has ended, etc. I know personally, the hardest part of bad news/tough situations for me is interacting with others afterwards. I have an incredibly supportive family who would literally do anything for me -- but when things go bad for me, my gut reaction 100% of the time is to avoid them - especially if I think they can't act "normal" around me after hearing the news. Also, as I recall his ex-wife had also been in your lives for a long time - it may be painful for him to consider coming alone to holidays/family events that he always went to before with her.

All this to say, do not take any of it personally at all. I think it's a great thing if he's taking a trip to Mexico right now -- much better than sitting depressed at home with no interest in travel. He probably didn't tell you for fear of the exact reaction you had - because he didn't want to hurt you and thought you would be hurt by it.

In terms of what you can do now though -- it sounds like you've been super supportive throughout, letting him know you care about him and are there for him, etc. At this point I'd honestly drop ALL of that. I'd start treating him exactly like you did pre-divorce. Routinely stay in contact with normal life stuff. Send pictures of the kids doing fun activities and/or normal life. Shoot him a comment about a sports team he follows. Text normal life updates, silly pet pictures, random observations from your day. Avoid commenting on how long it's been since you've seen him. Avoid a lot of check-in/how are you questions. If it were me, I'd start feeling more comfortable communicating more once I started to get the feeling that I was being treated "normally" and without special care again (I know that sounds terrible and in no way am I thinking you've been wrong to be caring and empathetic! It's just that I can picture myself in your brothers shoes and am thinking about what would help me feel comfortable being around family more again).

I'd keep inviting him to family holidays, etc. but do it casually and without pressure, and accept a "no" without issue or complaints. Also understand that the reality is that despite loving family, it also may not be super appealing for a single adult without kids to spend tons of time in a family house with kids, too. DH and I both have adult sibilings without children. Despite having close relationships with our sibilings and the fact that they truly love and dote on our DC, all at times all have expressed that being the single/child-free sibiling showing up to a family kid-centered Christmas is very overwhelming and hard. Their lives are SO different from ours. It'd be one thing to pop in for a few hours if they lived close, but a big trip and multiple days is not very enjoyable. I don't take this as a knock on their care or love for our family at all either -- adult lives with and without kids are just so, so different.

Another idea is to suggest a family weekend in a neutral spot, like a fun city, a beach, etc. Does your brother live in an interesting location that would be fun to visit? Maybe broach the idea of planning a trip near where your brother lives. Don't attempt to stay with him or expect him to do everything with you, but by being near him, maybe he'd be more comfortable popping in and out of activities, rather than having a huge chunk of time committed. (obviously only do that trip near him if he is fully okay with it though!)

Good luck! You are a great sister for caring about your brother and being so supportive of him. I truly hope you guys get to see each other soon, or at least start talking a little more.

[carolinamama]

My guess is that he's processing the change in marital status in his own way and it doesn't have anything to do with you. My only advice would be to send birthday and holiday wishes and an occasional hello text but avoid asking him for anything. It's one of those times where you can only control your actions and work through your feelings. I'm pretty sure he will find his way back to his family once he's ready.