One disrespectful, self-involved, extremely whiny 14yo up for grabs!

[gatorsmom]

When my boys were toddlers and regularly naughty, I joked that we were going to leave them on a shelf at Target with a sign pinned on them that said, “up for grabs with free diapers thrown in.” Well the boys are fine now but dd is going through her “annoying child” phase now as an 8th grader. I was warned about this when the kids were little and my dd was the angel of the bunch. Not anymore. I’d trade her in for two teenage boys in a heartbeat right this instant. It started the month she got her first period over a year ago and she never changed back. The change in attitude was so remarkable that even her brothers noticed it even though we never told them she got her period. I miss my kind little girl and do NOT like this person who’s replaced her. :irked: Please tell me this is just a phase!

[bisous]

Oh I thought for sure you must be describing your DS3, lol. I know I've read about how he's been a tricky one over the years. I thought I might be able to commiserate with you and talk a little bit about my DS3 who is 10 and is just so challenging right now!

I didn't anticipate that it would be your DD. But I'm not terribly surprised. I remember BEING a 14yo girl and I really hate to think about it too much. I'm sure I was a huge grump and I was very moody and grouchy and hard to live with. I was actually really well behaved around everyone EXCEPT my family and I was especially trying for my mother. I mostly was figuring out who I was, wasn't terribly happy with myself (if I'm being honest) and took out every grumpy emotion on the people I felt safest with. And since my mom was the "woman" in my life I compared myself against her both favorably and unfavorably and boy I'm glad she still likes me after how I acted (snarky and biting comments, anger outbursts and all...) I'm not looking forward to that with my DD.

I hope things get better in your household!

[nfceagles]

Already got one of those, but thanks anyway.


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[georgiegirl]

I’ll trade you for my emotionally volatile 12 year old DS (ADHD). [emoji4]

[Kestrel]

Is she struggling with her period? I did much the same when I started, and no one told me that it was not normal to be in such pain all the time. I've had massive problems since I was a teen, and didn't speak to anyone, even my doctors, for years because I thought that was what every female had. Turns out, I had fibroids and simply didn't know my pain levels were abnormal and my hormones (and mood swings) were wacky. Birth control pills to even out my cycle and mood made a big difference to me, even though my mother was concerned about having me on birth control. But - boys were still "icky" then! :)
If you're seeing swings within her cycle, perhaps she should talk - privately - to her doctor.

[carolinamama]

I've only gone through that age with boys so far - not looking forward to sweet and considerate DD hitting it. But, man, it's rough. I keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself so I don't completely lose my mind. DS1(16yo) seems to have come out the other side and is much more even-tempered and pleasant while DS2 (13yo) is in the thick of it.

DH was frustrated with DS2's attitude today and I had to reminded him that I spent several years (when DS1 was probably age 13-15) mumbling that one of us wasn't making it out alive. Well, we are both alive and well so it gives me hope! Still not fun!

[hbridge]

YES, your sweet DD will return... older... but she will be back. It is hormones AND social pressure AND hormones... Middle school and early high school seem to be the worst. You might track her moods along with her cycle (if you are aware of her cycle) just to see if there is a correlation. Definitely let her doctor know so they can check in with your DD privately...

Sending hugs. Growing up is very hard...

[KpbS]

I can totally empathize. So sad.

Very surprised you were a challenging teen, Bisous. I was too. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep and was a terrible grump. I’m sure I was moody also. :rolleye0014:

[belovedgandp]

Just going to commiserate with you. My DD is just turned 12 and the past 6 months have been quite the ride. No period yet, but she has to be getting close. I know my mother says she did not like me again until I was 16 which isn't giving me a lot of optimism. DS2 is almost 15 and starting puberty on the late side, so I'm getting push back from my biggest sweetheart child also. He's just not quite as extreme as the youngest.

And then my DS1 who is a senior looks at the emotional swings and attitudes of his siblings and just smirks saying he gets to move out in five months. He's the one I like right now who is never home, so he's really not helping the cause.

[wendibird22]

I can relate. DDs are 12 and 14 and both can be downright nasty humans. DD1 is mean and miserable and sassy quite often. I find myself saying “can you please talk nice to people” regularly. But she’s perfectly perfect at school.


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[PZMommy]

I have an almost 13 yr old boy, and his attitude has got to go! He is great around everyone but us. I think that is what frustrates me the most. He even got an award for work and cooperation habits this past semester at school. We laughed when he brought it home, as he is not at all cooperative at home.

[StantonHyde]

Sorry but this is totally normal. They come back by junior year. I ignored a lot over those years. Not worth the power struggle and drama. They are basically toddlers again. And I swear they lose all sorts ohfj common sense and maturity. Like they were better at 10 than at 13!!!!!


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[ged]

Sorry but this is totally normal. They come back by junior year. I ignored a lot over those years. Not worth the power struggle and drama. They are basically toddlers again. And I swear they lose all sorts ohfj common sense and maturity. Like they were better at 10 than at 13!!!!!


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really? DD1 is 17 and a Junior - and still a porcupine. I think I'm gonna have to wait still longer... lol.

[Tenasparkl]

I was just a chaperone for a choir trip full of 13 and 14 year olds (both boys and girls). That's a tough age! They want to be independent, but still need so much from us. 45 of them on a cross country trip was just, wow. I'm exhausted days later!

[StantonHyde]

really? DD1 is 17 and a Junior - and still a porcupine. I think I'm gonna have to wait still longer... lol.

I felt like I was dealing with the Tasmanian devil so when we got to porcupine level, felt some relief [emoji1787][emoji1787]


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[carolinamama]

I was just a chaperone for a choir trip full of 13 and 14 year olds (both boys and girls). That's a tough age! They want to be independent, but still need so much from us. 45 of them on a cross country trip was just, wow. I'm exhausted days later!

You are so brave! Hopefully after dealing with 45 together, your own seems easier for awhile!

[AnnieW625]

I agree with the prior poster about her period, and life changes in general. I know this is the BP, but would a change in scenery at school help? I know this could be an unwanted suggestion but is her high school simply too small to deal with all of the supposed normal teenage girl issues? I know I was pretty quiet and usually didn’t talk to too many people (at my high school of 1500 or so kids) about these problems but I always had a few different options of people to hang out with when things got rough with one friend group and I was being particularly moody and just needed a change. I don’t know what I would’ve done I a super small school. I know it all your kids have ever known, but it might be time to talk about what your DD wants from education since high school is right around the corner. My DD1 goes to a small high school (with 500 kids) and she enjoys but feels like it can be big enough if she needs different opinions from other classmates about things (she has a few classes with juniors and has seniors in her home room; so has the option to potentially hang out and interact with not just kids in her sophomore class). She would however not want to attend a school any smaller than the one she is at now and definitely doesn’t want to transfer to the public high school with 2500 kids.

How are things going with your daughter’s dance class? When DD1 was still dancing the last year (2019-2020) even before Covid it was very difficult for her because you have a group of many girls who all range in age from 12-17 and the competition for parts and the ability to take advanced classes like pas de deux is often chosen by the teacher and at least in DD1’s class was essentially by invite only and based on your current week’s classes and performance in class so if you as a 13 year old we’re having a bad week for whatever issue (period, school, friend, etc.) then there would be no invite to the week’s class and then a range of emotions would happen and Dd1 would just be angry, mean, and undelightful to be around. Dd1 had to stop dancing for about two months as suggested by her PT a month before Covid due to ankle and feet issues, but stopping was the right thing for her mentally and physically. She continued to take some online classes via Instagram or YouTube and then finally attempted to go back to another studio after we moved in Sept., 2020 and while she still loved dance she had a hard time getting to know people and she felt like she couldn’t fit in. She would cry and say she hated dance. I told her she could stop if she really wanted to, but she had to stay active. I lost about $500 in that investment (including the one month of class tuition, new leotards, tights, and shoes) and I was mad about it at first, but overall the sting went away and she found other activities to help her continued be active (high school tennis, and later high school dance team). Her ending her ballet classes then (even though I know she still misses it) was the best decision for her.

Good luck it should get better. Just make sure you and your Dh talk to her about what is really bothering her. Also do it away from your other children, if at all possible.

ETA: I am 44 (almost 45) and I still compare myself to my mom. I think about how my mom handled things with me. I wasn’t difficult but I felt like I couldn’t talk to my mom about a lot of growing up things (boys, sex, sexual health, and relationships) because she never ever talked about that stuff. I knew she tracked her period on the calendar in the kitchen but otherwise I never felt like my mom was open to talking about that stuff other than her high school and college boyfriend (pre my dad) as they all knew each other, but the sex stuff was not brought up. Dd1 hasn’t asked much about it yet but knows the mechanics of it and what not.

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[gatorsmom]

I just saw this thread and all the responses. I’m relieved and sorry that so many of you are going through this too. Five years ago if you had told me some of the rude, disrespectful things this girl would say to her family members, I would NEVER have believed you! I watch her with her school friends and see vestiges if that fun, sweet girl. So she’s in there somewhere. She’s just saving it for her friends. :irked:

I don’t think her periods are painful. She’s never asked to stay home from school and I’ve asked her before if she gets cramps. If she did, she would probably just help herself to advil, though, and not tell me, so I should let her know she can talk about it with me or her Ped at her upcoming annual.

I really think what is causing it is she’s doing too much. She’s made some great friends at the dance studio but she’s there almost every night. She’s really good and enjoys it. If not for the dance studio (and her Boy Scout troup) I think her high school would feel too small. But I think the problem is she wants to do too much. She’s the patrol leader in her BSA troop and every 6 months she’s auditioning for another ballet production. She gets home at night exhausted. She just told me that she wants to try out for the Performance Tap company. But that company travels and competes. I’m tempted to make her choose. She just can’t do it all!

As for her twin brother, he’s become the joy of the family. He’s the least motivated kid I know but he’s happy with his friends, his school and he always does what I ask him to do. Plus he’s so witty. It’s crazy thinking about how the roles have reversed.

[mommytoalyssa]

Doesn't sound like this is the reason for your daughter, but I wanted to throw this out there in case it will help someone else. My mom and I both dealt with difficult PMS and I was diagnosed by my MD with a progesterone deficiency. I am still being treated for this at 50 and without it I am a different person. After my daughter started her period she had a drastic change in mood. I took her to her doctor and lab work showed she had a very serious progesterone deficiency. As her levels normalize with treatment, she is experiencing relief and we are all grateful!

[gatorsmom]

Doesn't sound like this is the reason for your daughter, but I wanted to throw this out there in case it will help someone else. My mom and I both dealt with difficult PMS and I was diagnosed by my MD with a progesterone deficiency. I am still being treated for this at 50 and without it I am a different person. After my daughter started her period she had a drastic change in mood. I took her to her doctor and lab work showed she had a very serious progesterone deficiency. As her levels normalize with treatment, she is experiencing relief and we are all grateful!

Thank you for letting me know about this! It’s certainly worth looking into. Dd has her spring ballet performance last night and was like a different person afterwards. I saw a glimmer of my kind and joyful little girl again! Maybe she’s just making her way through an insecure puberty stage? Goodness, I hope so…