Bummed by this friend situation

[petesgirl]

One of my neighbors got divorced during the last school year and I have tried to find ways to help her out with her two kids when I can because I know it must be stressful to be 'on' all the time. Their dad lives close by, however, and picks them up from school everyday.

Her kids are at different schools this year, with different bell times, and my kids are in the same school as her youngest. She told me she wasn't sure how to get two kids to two different schools and get to work on time and asked if I could take her daughter to school. I agreed because it's like a 5 min drive away and I have to go there anyway. Well, she asked if she could drop daughter off at 7:30 because that's when she has to leave to get her son to school and then she will go straight to work after that. So I have her daughter for a full hour before we have to leave for school.....it is definitely making mornings tricky because she comes in and wants to play with my kids who then struggle to get ready, lunches packed and breakfast eaten. Ugh.

Well, I've been doing this for 3 weeks and I have passed her leaving her house twice after I have dropped the kids off at school, and I have seen her out running on our neighborhood sidewalks 3 different times on my way home from school, sooo....she isn't going to work after dropping off her oldest. I'm essentially giving her free babysitting every morning while she gets in a workout, or whatever.

Here's the kicker though. Every Friday our school has an awards assembly for the kids. So I get all the kids to school (drive by neighbor's house on the way out and her car is still there) and to their lines (I have to park and walk my Kinder guy to his line) and when I was walking back to my car, lo and behold, there is my neighbor walking up the sidewalk toward me! She sees me, turns her head and picks up her pace and then ducks into a side door before we cross paths. There she is sitting inside the auditorium for the awards assembly. So, remind me again....WHY did I have her daughter for an hour before school and then take her to school when her mom was going to show up 5 mins later????

I am done. Except I don't know how to tell my neighbor that. And I'm bummed that I don't feel like helping her anymore.

[jgenie]

Yikes! It’s great that you have offered to lighten your friend’s load. I’m sure she really appreciated the offer. I’m sorry she’s taking advantage of your kindness. I would tell her now that things have settled from the start of school you’ve realized that your family really needs that extra hour in the morning to yourselves. Being able to concentrate on getting out the door without distractions is the best way to ensure your family starts the day on the right tone. I would let her know she can call you if she’s in a bind and you will help out if your family schedule works with the timing. I’m sorry she’s put you in this spot.

[SnuggleBuggles]

“I’m sorry but I can’t help with transportation anymore.” The end.
Eta- and then maybe warn some other friends she might turn to so they at least know what they’re getting into before they offer to help.

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[DualvansMommy]

Gosh the gall. I’m all for helping other parents in tough bind, and you were so kind to do so. But yeah, I agree it just isn’t working for you and the resentment has gotten in, which is not good for YOU.

I would say it point blank, in a text saying she’ll need to arrange alternate rides as you can no longer do it. End of. It also sound like you two weren’t that friendly prior the favor, so it’ll be no skin off my nose.


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[LBW]

Wow. What a horrible way to take advantage of your kindness. And how stupid of her to think she could get away with it. I agree - a text or brief conversation is all that’s needed, and you don’t have to explain why unless you want to.

[georgiegirl]

I agree with everyone else. That’s very ballsy of her.


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[KrisM]

“I’m sorry but I can’t help with transportation anymore.” The end.
Eta- and then maybe warn some other friends she might turn to so they at least know what they’re getting into before they offer to help.

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Yes to this. I don't think she'll be surprised since she knows you saw her at the school.

[Liziz]

I'm so mad for you! For you to try so hard to help and then find out you're being completely used -- not okay. I agree with the others, you just need to be done. And good riddance, because she's not the kind of "friend" you need in your life.

However, I'm uncomfortable with confrontation and can find it hard to say "no" too, so I do understand the stress of telling her it's over, even though it's totally justified. I'd probably be tempted to offer to help out in emergencies in the future, but in this situation I really think you should avoid even that, as I doubt you'd ever be able to trust that it's truly an emergency, since she's shown her willingness to abuse situations already.

[KpbS]

That is really strange! I would have given her the benefit of the doubt if I had only seen her at the assembly, but those other mornings where she is at home?? Unless she lost her job somehow?

I agree, "I wanted to let you know I won't be able to help with morning drop-offs anymore." She can take the DD with her and drop her off for before care if that exists at the school.

[hbridge]

I hate confrontation, but morning are crazy in EVERY household. An added child who is ready to play would not work well for most families who were just trying to get everyone out the door.

I would simply tell the mom that you thought it would work, but after giving it a try, the disruption in your morning is affecting your children and your routine. Then apologize and state that you will no longer be able to help out after "insert a date here". I would give her a week or so (because I am a sucker) to find an alternative.

[belovedgandp]

I'm so sorry. It stinks to be taken advantage of and yes mornings are crazy.

I had a similar experience with a neighbor almost ten years ago. Dad had been unemployed for most of school year and then new job required traveling. Mom could not get two kids to two schools and to work in time. I took older one, but it blew up our morning for the last three months of school. Dad was supposed to be in town at least one day a week. It quickly became very obvious he was there at least one or two mornings each week yet kid was at my house every single day.

Mom must have had some sense of guilt about it because about a year or two later when she had an injury and couldn't drive, she asked three other neighbors for help before she came to me. The other neighbors did not even have a kid at the school.

[echoesofspring]

That sucks to be taken advantage of like that. Also if she's out for a run....does that mean she got someone else to handle drop off for her older one?

We occasionally give one of DD's friends a ride and I'm happy to help out, and also it works pretty well for us- she shows up 15 min before we have to leave and it helps my kids get themself pulled together, DS doesn't want to be in his PJ's, DD wants to appear like she's got it together like her friend, etc. Even so I can't imagine it working if she came an hour early everyday, that would be way too much and disruptive. You really have been very generous with her and I'm sorry she took advantage of your kindness.

[firstbaby]

I can see why you would feel taken advantage of, but I would also tell myself I had given another mom - who is adjusting to being a single parent - a little oxygen in her day for the last three weeks. Having a minute to work out has probably been a lifeline to her. The fact she dropped her daughter off, did whatever and then showed at the assembly? Rude.

Then, I would pick up my phone to text her that in wanting to be helpful, it is putting more on your plate than you can handle in the mornings. If she can drop her daughter off AT THE TIME you are leaving with your own kids anyway, great. If it’s any earlier you are not able to help and she will have to make other arrangements.

[niccig]

We had an arrangement with a neighbor where one of the DHs (usually my DH as he stated work later)took the boys in the morning and the wife picked the boys up. She had to be home by a certain time to meet the bus for her son, so if my DS took too long to get to the pickup point, I told her to leave. She called once asking what to do and I told her to leave and DS would now have to wait an hour for me or walk home - he was MS so old enough. Taught him to get to her on time. Other friends gave DS a lift home from HS bus drop off that’s out of their way for several months - we didn’t ask, they just always did it. We couldn’t do the pick up but DS could walk home. I pet sit their chickens when they go out of town and still do years later. DH thinks we’ve paid back the bus pick ups and we probably have.


My point is, you’re offering to help but this feels a bit too much everyday especially on days when she is available to do the drop off.


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[bisous]

I can see why you would feel taken advantage of, but I would also tell myself I had given another mom - who is adjusting to being a single parent - a little oxygen in her day for the last three weeks. Having a minute to work out has probably been a lifeline to her. The fact she dropped her daughter off, did whatever and then showed at the assembly? Rude.

Then, I would pick up my phone to text her that in wanting to be helpful, it is putting more on your plate than you can handle in the mornings. If she can drop her daughter off AT THE TIME you are leaving with your own kids anyway, great. If it’s any earlier you are not able to help and she will have to make other arrangements.

This is a very kind perspective and I get what you're saying here but I think at least for me if the friend had ASKED how I felt if she took a quick run that morning and would it be okay I'd feel really different than discovering it by accident. I'm willing to help A LOT but when my efforts are obtained under false pretenses than it robs me of that good feeling of helping out. Instead of generous I feel taken in, if that makes sense.

I feel like as I've gotten older I've become more and more direct in my conversation. I'd probably say that I noticed her exercising and at the assembly and mention that it looks like your help in the morning is no longer needed so you'll go ahead and terminate the arrangement. I know that sounds harsh but the reality is that your time is worth something and I feel like she's disrespecting your time. At least this allows her also to apologize at which point you can decide whether to try it again and this time you can be more wary to any potential deceit...but it puts you back in control of your time and the situation.

I like how the PP above mentioned that you'd be willing to drop the child off at the same time you're leaving. Maybe if the conversation above doesn't go well, you can offer that. You'll provide useful aid but it is on your terms. I find that's a lot less frustrating for me to deal with!