DH not comprehending level of burn out

[firstbaby]

For our entire marriage, I have always carried most of the emotional labor, child raising and household duties. I used to really enjoy being that care giver. I went back to FT work 5 years ago and as discussed on here so often, standards have to adjust. Enter Covid, virtual schooling, anxiety issues for my kids, a job loss and medical crisis for DH- I continued to turn myself inside out to be all the things.

I just finished a highly stressful season at work where DH was frustrated about the impact work was having on me. It’s like he couldn’t see me as a person and my needs coming before me caring for my family. I am so burnt out and feel simmering rage just below the surface all the time.

I’m not sure if I want commiseration or advice or what. I’ve been trying to make some space for myself and decompress from this work situation and get a little bit of me back. But DH is either unwilling or unable to really grasp what I am saying very clearly and make any adjustments.

[georgiegirl]

I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I’m incredibly burnt out as well and don’t know how to fix the problem. I’m sorry your DH isn’t being understanding. My DH is also incredibly burnt out as well (he lost a work partner and friend under tragic circumstances and the other partners have been doing his work all year since it takes a year to hire a specialty doctor). I’ve had moments where I’ve lost it on DH because I’m so stressed and he’s realized that we are both at the end of our ropes. Of course that doesn’t solve the problem.

do you have a therapist? Do you have friends to talk to?

Sorry I don’t have any advice. But many hugs.

[mmsmom]

I’m sorry you are going through this. In my marriage (which is now over but bc of other issues) I also felt I always had to be the one to keep it all together. It was never “my turn” to take time for myself and deal with my needs.

A couple things I learned:
-You can not change someone. You can only change yourself and your own behavior.
- You have to ask for what you want/need. It sounds like you may be doing that but you have to be very specific. “Today I am spending the morning in bed and you need to make and clean up breakfast, take the kids to sports”… whatever it may be. Do not give options or ask, just state what is happening.
- Therapy for yourself and also couples therapy. There were so many times in couples therapy that my XH would say something like “ I never realized that” despite it being something I actually said over and over. Therapy creates an environment where they have to listen and pay attention.

[hbridge]

I completely understand! DH does not understand the emotional labor of running a household with a medically complex kid. DC has been sick since February. There are multiple debilitating medical issues that are complex, unrelated and the causes are not completely clear. Managing DC's medical (with 10+ different doctors at three different practices/hospitals), along with the household, meals, pets, ect... It's a lot. I finally reminded DH that DC has had over 20 medical appointments since coming home from college in May. He still doesn't quite understand. Even when DC is on-campus (2 hours away), I am "on call" for anything that comes up.

Needless to say, when our pup got sick last week, I essentially broke down. DH was NOT sympathetic and essentially told me "dogs get sick" and "just let him be". Pup is still sick; DH is starting to come around that medication will be needed for this. However, DH has no idea why I am stressed because he is not involved in managing the household/kid related "stuff".

[PunkyBoo]

I can certainly relate. I started going to therapy almost 2 years ago because I was dying inside and could not figure out why H wasn't seeing it, or hearing my exact words begging for help and an equal status in the marriage. I started therapy on my own which really helped me appropriately frame what was going on in my marriage and my life. When H started coming to the therapy with me, the therapist recommended the show/film Fair Play (it's on Prime) and the "game" that goes with it. I highly recommend getting your husband to watch the show with you. I got SO MUCH from it in feeling not-alone, and my H's responses to the show were eye opening to me.
I hope that you get the results you're seeking by trying therapy and watching that show together. Personally, it all fed into me eventually filling for divorce, which I'm still mired in. I'm not saying that's where you'll end up, just letting you know my results. But both gave me the clarity to really see and acknowledge the state of our marriage.

Sent from my Pixel 3a XL using Tapatalk

[DualvansMommy]

One word: divorce. I know it’s much more simplistic. But men and husbands in general really do have it good, going through life on our unpaid labor.

I took 3 weeks away from home when kids were young to wake DH up of all the work and upkeep i was doing to keep us all alive, fed, happy, healthy and well rounded with a functioning household. He gotten significantly better about that balance of home/life/work. Our divorce is actually over deeper unrelated issues, but I have friends divorcing their spouses over the labor division and feeling unseen, unheard and under appreciated. Results: exes had to step up because it’s two households now with shared parenting and my friends are the better for it.

All I can say is therapy helped me significantly to realize I’m not asking for much. I deserved to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace even though I’m more busier. But it’s good busy now and not with undertones of resentment and contempt. I wish you the best, and do agree it isn’t sustainable for you to keep going the way you are.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Kestrel]

So sorry you're going through this. I think for most households, they hit something like this at some point. I think the difference is, are they willfully leaving you all the work, or are they just oblivious?

This is bitch post, so feel free to disreguard, but... things are better at our house since DH is in charge of Wednesday. Kid pick up, sports, dinner, bedtime, ect is all on him, one day a week. It's a break for me, and keeps him in touch with all the things I do on a regular basis. Also, on Sundays I say "we have to do A,B,C and D today. Which do you want to take care of?" So DH knows that I'm doing the other three, so it's hard to say no to doing one, in particular when I let him pick which one. That's only fair.

[Gracemom]

I've btdt unfortunately. I read a book that helped a lot called Fair Play. My husband is well intentioned but just doesn't see everything I do. And he never just jumps in to help. And he takes forever to get stuff done I have to resist the urge to get frustrated or just do it myself.

[hbridge]

I've btdt unfortunately. I read a book that helped a lot called Fair Play. My husband is well intentioned but just doesn't see everything I do. And he never just jumps in to help. And he takes forever to get stuff done I have to resist the urge to get frustrated or just do it myself.

This is my experience, too. DH has great intentions, but follow through can be spotty. The metaphor I use is laundry: DH is great at putting things in the washer, he is at about 50% with moving it to the dryer, it's rare that he takes it out of the dryer. He has amazing intentions... Also, he struggles to see things from a different perspective.

[doberbrat]

I have no advice- Just commiseration. :grouphug:

[essnce629]

No advice but now looking forward to watching the Fair Play documentary with DH! Thanks to whoever recommended it along with the book and card deck!

[KpbS]

Very sorry OP. I can commiserate.

[firstbaby]

OP here - thanks to each of you for your advice, commiseration and support. Each person’s insight gave me a lot to think about and I’m sorry I’m not the only one going through it because it is hard! I’ve been very inward focused this week thinking and processing. It’s hard for me to even express my needs, so when I do and they are ignored, it is like a multiplier.

I do think DH is starting to get some of it. I’ve been pretty bold and aggressive with immediately calling him out on the spot for things that underscore what I’ve been trying to get through to him. Some of the times, it has created a fight / friction, and that’s okay! Other times, he sees where I am coming from.

I have always wanted us to work out but some things fundamentally have to change for this to be a workable relationship.