about the party several years ago - the bizarre thing is they didn't stay, they dropped K off along with her older brother (which is fine). various other parents stayed. i get parents wanting to stay at a party and have no issue with that, but that wasn't the case here.
i too think it's much harder when they get older which is why i want to nip this situation in the bud. i fear that if dd remains close to this friend she is going to get even more hurt and upset years later, and it will be even harder for her to branch out and find new friends. with her SM it will prevent her from making other friends (bc she is so used to just talking/playing with K, she doesn't make effort to talk to others). therapist has said she really needs to do playdates with classmates. all this is complicated by the fact that with dd's SM, i can't just invite a random classmate for a playdate, it has to be someone she is comfortable with (doesn't feel pressured to play with), and that list is extremely small.
i am surprised too, bc several other ds' friends are indian and had never had an issue remotely like this! heck, over the summer one Indian mom in our neighborhood somehow got my info on whatsapp (i have no idea how, i'm never on there) and messaged me about possible playdates during the summer (with her DS, who isn't really dd's friend but he is in the same grade and only lives a few houses down). so yeah, i don't believe this is typical, at all. however, i see no other logical explanation here. over the years, dd has been repeatedly told she's not allowed to come to K's bday parties, and no playdates with DD either, and refusal to attend dd's birthday parties :( i do feel like dd is/will be negatively impacted by constantly feeling like she's not "good enough" for this friend which makes me hesitant to try to reach out further. for pete's sake, it shouldn't be this hard.