What should I tell DD?

Warning, child loss mentioned
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About 40 years ago a 10 year old was kidnapped and murdered in our community. The murderer has been executed. The family has since set up a foundation that is very active in the community. A new magnet school is opening next year and DD was accepted (Yay!). The district is taking suggestions as to what to name the new school. There is a major push in the community to name the school in honor of this child. I know DD will be asking me who this is and, honestly, I have no idea what to tell her without freaking her out. She's a worrier and it won't matter in her mind that this happened so long ago and the person responsible is gone. Thoughts? Thanks!

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So the school hasn't yet been named yet?

Why do you think she is going to be curious about this? Genuinely asking as our elementary is named in honor of someone but just uses the last name and never once in 3 years has DD1 every asked about the name.

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Originally Posted by marymoo86

So the school hasn't yet been named yet?

Why do you think she is going to be curious about this? Genuinely asking as our elementary is named in honor of someone but just uses the last name and never once in 3 years has DD1 every asked about the name.

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No, it's not named yet. It's opening in the fall and the district is asking for name suggestions.
I know she'll ask, because she asks about EVERYTHING! Trust me, she'll ask, especially since she will be going to the school.

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I wouldn't tell her anything until you need to.

IF the school is named after this child...and IF your DD asks who this name is, then you can say "It's the name of a child that died a very long time ago. They named the school after him/her to honor his/her memory."

Your DD might be totally fine with this and not ask for any more details. But IF she asks "how did she die?" then I am all for telling the truth but keeping as details minimal: "He/she was killed by a very bad person who isn't alive anymore because this happened a very long time ago - before your Dad and I were even born! (if that's true).

and then I'd tell her that if she hears anything from her friends or teachers and has questions, to come and ask you. That way you can give her truthful bits of info if she's curious.

My kids are the same way (very anxious about this stuff) and this is what I do. Usually they end up hearing things from their friends at school (typically local news stories that are terrible) and come home and ask me about it and whether the details are true. I do want them to know that sh!t happens in the world, but I also have to balance that with their anxiety. To me the most important thing is that they come and ask me about it if they are curious, anxious, not sure what to believe, etc.

I'd wait for it come up. There is a playground at our school named for a child who died many years ago. I always expected my kids would ask who this person is (they call the playground "xyzs playground") but five years later it has never come up. There's even a small memorial at the playground and the family still plants flowers each spring by the memorial. Yet nada. And my kids are question askers as well! If it does come up stick with simple answers to the question asked. I know a bit about how the child that the playground is named for died, but I'd start with a simple "she died and people wanted to do something in her memory" and go from there if there are more specific questions.

I may be the outlier, but I would just tell your child the truth about what happened and why the school is being named after this particular person. Keep the language simple, answer any questions, and keep the conversation going if she needs it to.

My philosophy when DC were very young was to protect them from the wrong in the world; until I realized it was impossible. From the severely abused child in the kindergarten class to the murder of a family in our small community; we couldn't protect DC from the information. So we talk...about everything...all the time! It started very innocently when DC told me why her classmate was not able to walk. I was livid at the school for providing this information, then I asked DC "where the information came from" and the disabled student had told them. Keep the words simple, make sure they know that you will do everything you can to keep them safe, but try not to whitewash facts.

The kids will hear about things from their peers, it is better that they are "in the know" from you. At a 911 memorial one day I overheard two 6 year old talking, one was telling the other what happened on 911, it was amazing and both kids left the conversation okay...

Also, just make it a simple, "the school is going to be named XYZ after a child who was killed", then wait for the questions. However, also be prepared for the information to come out in the school dedication and for there to be a plaque on the wall somewhere.

It is so nice of the school to consider the child in their naming...

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Originally Posted by hbridge

I may be the outlier, but I would just tell your child the truth about what happened and why the school is being named after this particular person. Keep the language simple, answer any questions, and keep the conversation going if she needs it to.

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:yeahthat:

We had a couple of Sandy Hook playgrounds near our house when we lived in Connecticut. We went to the first one when DS was 3 or 4 and I remember telling him that it was named for a child who died. A couple of years later I gave him more details as he would hear about "sandy hook", especially around the anniversary.

I agree with hbridge and candaceb tell her the truth if she asks. She may not. I would say address as needed.

Thanks all! I definitely don't plan on bringing it up unless she asks. I will let her know that it was a very long time ago and focus on all good that the foundation does in our community.

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That is tough. I’m curious do you think the students won’t mention it at the school once she attends. I would think that would be common knowledge.

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Originally Posted by ray7694

That is tough. I’m curious do you think the students won’t mention it at the school once she attends. I would think that would be common knowledge.

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I'm not sure, because it was so long ago.

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I don't know what the option is other than tell her the truth. If you fib, there's a good chance she'll find out anyway.

I wouldn't worry to much about her worrying, simply because it might not even happen. I can see there being a lot of pushback over this. It's kind of odd to name a school after a murdered child from 40 years ago.

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Originally Posted by TwinFoxes

I don't know what the option is other than tell her the truth. If you fib, there's a good chance she'll find out anyway.

I wouldn't worry to much about her worrying, simply because it might not even happen. I can see there being a lot of pushback over this. It's kind of odd to name a school after a murdered child from 40 years ago.

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Oh, I definitely don't plan on fibbing.
The community is favor of this. The foundation in honor of the child is very active in our community. They do a lot for children and animals in the community.
Another school was supposed to be named for this child, about 35 years ago, but there was some leadership changes around that time so it didn't happen.

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