Anyone feel like renaming it "Waiting" instead of "Adopting"?--long

Does it feel to everyone else like there's an awful lot of waiting? Whew. I'm not a very patient person by nature. I'm more into instant gratification! This is sure teaching me to be more patient. I'm not sure that's the lesson I was looking for, but it's definitely the lesson I'm getting! :)

I don't know if anyone is following my particular story. We're currently in the midst of our third domestic adoption attempt. The baby was due on September 19. Last week they told us it didn't look good after having talked to the birthfather. This Monday they told us the birthmother was being induced and she thought the birthfather was coming around, but not to read anything into that. (Then don't tell us!) That gave me a glimmer of hope that I honestly didn't have before. I know I'm not supposed to read into that, but geez, how am I am supposed to not?

Wednesday I called to check on the birthmom (and got the answering service). Thursday they called back to say she hadn't been induced on Monday, she wouldn't be induced until at least this Friday or Monday and she had been asking to talk to us again. Would that be too hard? (their question)

We last talked to her on September 1. I can totally understand her wanting to talk to us again since it's been over 3 weeks. But we haven't had a call since then because that's when we found out the birthfather wasn't onboard with the adoption plan. And nothing has really changed. We said it would be too hard to talk to her again when nothing has really changed.

So, now we're just waiting again. I'm more in a peaceful acceptance mode of it all. At least at the moment! The tears were a couple of weeks ago. Now...who knows! Whatever happens is meant to happen. I just wish we knew an answer one way or the other so we could either move on or not.

Someone said, you realize you could have a baby here next week, how are you planning work (I'm self-employed) around that. I really haven't even let myself think of that possibility. I don't think I can. But it's true. And we just wait....

I never realized how hard waiting could be!

Debbie

There certainly is a lot of waiting! I don't know how you can stand the uncertainty with your process--you must be a lot better at that than I am!

Hoping for the best for you and your family,

Hi Debiie -I completely agree with Catherine - I can't imagine the uncertainty in your process. One of the things that I liked about Chinese adoption was that it was so predictable.

What I always found was that every step of the waiting seemed to be the hardest. After I finally finished the paprework, I thought, "Oh, I can relax, it's out of my hands." Then, I had nothing to do, and was convinced when I just had a picture and knew our baby was real, then I could relax. Then, when I had his picture, I worried for him constantly. This time, however, it turned out I was right. I could stop worrying about the wait when he was in my arms.

Good luck!

Hi Holly and Catherine,

That post actually ended up more about me that I meant! It started off and was supposed to be more of a question (which by the time I got to the end, I kind of forgot!), which was more, "What do you do while you're waiting?"

I know all of our waits are different--waiting to travel, waiting for a referral, waiting for a match--but it's all waiting! I've heard the preparation things and I've prepared the nursery, cleaned the house (even got a dumpster)...I did hear that you should prepare and freeze dinners ahead of time, but as my DH pointed out, that would mean I would have to cook first (did I mention I'm not so domestic?).

So, any practical (or not so practical!) ideas or things you did while waiting?

Debbie

A few thoughts:

I did the cooking and freezing meals thing. I did lasagne, meatballs, strata and pulled chicken meat from roasted chicken. All pretty easy, but have come in very handy. I just used the last of the lasagne last week--waaaah. If you don't cook at all, you might consider stocking up on your favorite things from the freezer section. While you are at it, stock up on paper towels. We go through about 10x as many as we used to.

I lifted weights while I waited. I am a total wimp and as it turned out we adopted a 24 pound boy. Lifting weights was the best thing I did while we waited.

Go for a vacation or long weekend. Especially if you don't have any children yet. We did a few days in Paris and loved every minute of it. It will be a long time before we can do that again in the same way. I also made a special effort to to visit my brother and his kids.

Go to the movies and/or read a lot. Enjoy it while you can!

Get your announcements ready to go. You can choose and start addressing envelopes but wait to print/have the announcements printed.

Anything you can do now to minimize yardwork/outdoor maintenance later is a good thing.

Get all your doctor's appointments taken care of. You don't want to have to figure out how to get to the dentist with a new baby.

HTH,

I can mostly tell you things I wished I had done (unless you want to hear, bite your nails, but I kind of doubt it!):

1. Find someone who can do grocery shopping for you the first few days. I know you'll be getting a newborn, but even so, you won't want to go to the grocery store. We flew into LAX at about 9 at night and went to the grocery store before going home because suddenly it really mattered that we have fresh foods and vegetables.

2. Really do think about how you're going to handle work. I assumed that since I would be staying home, I would be able to clean the house, cook dinners, bake cookies, etc. etc. And it's really true that it's hard to do anything, much less everything. I wish I had had a schedule which had me going to bed late, waking up early, and sleeping in the afternoon (no, I'm really not joking).

3. Read, read, read. Read childcare books, read for fun, etc. etc. etc.

4. One thing I did do was pick up a hobby pre-baby (playing piano). It was something I always wanted to do, consumes my attention completely while I'm playing, and is very relaxing. I have other hobbies but this one involves a paid for lesson so I am sure to practice regularly where my other hobbies can be shunted aside as less important. And when I've had a hard day, it's a nice way to relax and be a nice person still.

5. I know you said you got a dumpster, but do it again. I thought I organized pre-baby, only to have asked by DH for an organized house for my birthday (in Dec., I think we just may have time). Now, DH is a pack rat, but DS has lots of stuff. And a lot of our stuff is not needed anymore.

6. Are you going to be home and self-employed or are you going to have childcare? If you're going to have childcare, you have time to really investigate, visit, interview, whatever you need to do. If you're going to be home, get some of those "games to play with" fill in age group books. They're good for those emergency "man, what are we going to do now" moments. Also, find a mom's group in your area, suddenly, DS wants friends (as evidenced by asking for the last kid we spent time with everyday until we see another kid). Also, find babysitters (do you live near family or friends you will trust etc.).

7. Take one of those newborn care classes at a local hospital.

8. Try to enjoy going to the bathroom alone. Is it possible to enjoy if you haven't esperienced not doing it yet? The other night, we had dinner guests, so I closed the door, and despite DH and guests to play with, DS stood outside the door yelling, "momma, momma," the entire time.

9. Make a will and decide on a guardian.

10.This is perhaps not such a great idea. But on days I really believed it would never end, I would go buy something baby. I never bought clothes (because I didn't know size) but DS has the best stroller(s) he won't ride in, the best carseat, the best carrier he's too big for now, etc. etc. etc.

Good luck,

Thanks for all of your suggestions. I especially like knowing what you wish you'd done. Those are good ones. And biting your nails--it totally honest :)

I must admit to being an emotional shopper, so I think I probably have already bought most everything I could possibly need. More than one person has actually asked me to stop buying things because they won't be able to get me any presents! I used to be an emotional eater--I actually managed to lose some weight (that was my goal--to get a bit healthier) but I kind of replaced the emotional eating with shopping! Good news, bad news...it all requires shopping. I did buy a bunch of baby things because that's what made it more real to me. And then when I wouldn't allow myself any specific "baby" things, I got a bunch of stuffed animals! So I think I'm good there.

I know I should have the work thing planned much better, but I keep thinking I don't know how much, if any I'll really want to do, so it's hard to plan that. I do work from home, so I keep thinking I can put that off. I should probably have a good plan in place though.

I did take a baby care class through the local adoption group. And an infant CPR class...And I have a bigger babycare library than the local bookstore (adoption books, sleeping books, baby care in general, multiracial families...). I was thinking about cleaning again. I just can't seem to get my head around work!

We actually went to a waiting support group for pre-adoptive families and I really wanted to find out how other people were dealing with waiting, but we were the only ones who showed up!

I laughed at your suggestion about enjoying going to the bathroom alone, but I'm sure it's not so funny when it's actually happening. It's hard to imagine getting pleasure out of that, but it has occurred to me that solo trips to the bathroom will be ending. And I pretty much live in the bathroom (I scope them out first thing in every restaurant!) so that'll be a tough one. I'll start savoring every moment. :)

Thanks again for the great ideas. I think I will go clean and organize some more. I did use my Crockpot a couple of times last week, so maybe I'll even figure out how to cook and freeze some meals.

Debbie