OT sort of - feeling out of sorts

I just wanted to say that the past two adoption blogs (neve's freidn and Holli) have left me a little blue. My heart breaks for Holli and DH as they have to leave little Lily behind - how hard that must be! And then Neve's friends. I can't imagine knowing that you have to refuse a referral after seeing the child - what a hard decision that had to be, how hard for the poor girl left behind. There's not really much of a point, jsut that my emphathy has gotten the better of me. Part of me says "why does it have to be so hard . . " while the rest of me knows.

It is hard to understand, isn't it? Things like this leave me feeling like a two year-old--Why? But, why?

huge hugs your way...
I know it is saddening, my big fears are the actually traveling to the orphanges. I so want access to the children, to take pictures and to throw a party for them when my children leave. Many orphanges don't allow this, you have no access to the children there and can't take pictures. I come and go with my thoughts on this...I know for my heart it will be best for me not to be exposed to these children for I will foever think of them, cry for those who are "stuck" there and whose parents did not allow them to be adopted BUT keep them there for life. Would it be better for me to keep blinders on while there and not let my heart ache or to bless these children with a party and presents...

I suspect our hearts will ache plenty for these situations...
and this is not "OT" at all...I'd like to think this forum is there for us to discuss anything and to be there for eachother in the good and the tearful saddened times...


Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

Just wanted to send you hugs. It is hard to read but think how happy we will be reading the blog when Lily comes home
Helene
mommy to Isabella
baby x EDD 1/11/05

Oh you gals are so amazing! I know I stopped the blog suddenly, but after we left Lily we didn't have easy access to the internet anymore. We're home now! We got back late yesterday. We actually came home a few days early because I had an asthma attack! We aren't sure if it was the altitude or air polution in the parts of Guatemala we were visiting. First time it ever happened, but luckily my nephew has asthma so sister had an extra emergency inhaler with her that I used, but it was really difficult for me. We got to travel everywhere we wanted, but we didn't get to take the language classes we had planned. My Spanish was very strong again by the end of the trip anyway so I felt good about that.

I have to admit that leaving Lily was the single most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I cried hysterically, and it just came out of nowhere. One minute I was calmly eating lunch with everyone (and Lily's foster mom) and the next minute I was blubbering like crazy. Her foster mom is the most amazing woman though, and they love her like crazy. She told me not to worry about her and that we would be back soon.

Even though this was so hard to leave her, I wouldn't have traded those 4 days with Lily bean at 3 months of age for anything in the world. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.

She is such a healthy, happy baby. She's already up to 14 pounds at 3 months, and she chows like crazy. Totally healthy, not even a sign of diaper rash! She laughs every time we talk to her, she looks so deeply into our eyes. She is just the most amazing baby ever! She loves looking at people so much. She loves music and having people sing to her. I think she recognized our voices from the tape we had sent her.

I am going to try to update our blog with details about Guatemala this weekend, but it was the most shocking experience. Liam and I travel a lot, but never to any 3rd world countries. The poverty was so wide-spread and depressing. I was totally overwhelmed by people trying to sell us something, anything, every time we went into any village or town. The countryside was beautiful but also so polluted. It was so shocking to really see it all and to even begin to understand how different Lily's life was going to be. We hadn't realized how strong her Mayan characteristics were until we visited all these villages and saw so many babies who looked just like her. I can't even begin to verbalize what it felt like to see all these other babies her age in such different conditions. I don't even know what to say, really.

I kept wondering how we would ever explain all this to her. We didn't take pictures of the Mayan people or the villages and poverty. I just couldn't do it. We have some photos of the landscapes, etc. But, my brother-in-law said it best.. he said not to try to explain it...just to bring her back when she's 12 and she'll understand. I never understood until I saw it.

Guatemala is the 2nd poorest country in the western hemisphere, second only to Haiti, and it just fills me with such emotion to think that we are blessed with this amazing little girl from this country with such a painful and harsh history and heritage.

Okay, now I'm about to cry again. Thank you all for sharing this with us!

Holli

Holli,

You are the amzing one!! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I keep writing that but its true, I love redaing your descriptions of Lilli and can't wait to read about her homecoming.
Please post pictures of her.

I'm so glad you got to spend time with her! I can't imagine having to leave her but soon, soon soon, hopefully.