The BBB Mojo Is Failing Me

So, last spring i posted about DH getting stabbed in the back at work and ending up unemployed. But hey, at least he still had his (stellar) Navy Reserve career.

He just got his new billet, and it was his 4th choice. That doesn't sound bad, but it's actually terrible and could be career ending (eventually).

This is especially bad because we will be using the Reserve for health insurance once his severance runs out, if he doesn't have a new job. (My teaching job does not include health benefits. They cost extra and are atrociously expensive, unusual in the education community.)

Things are looking worse and worse instead of better. The longer this goes on, the worse his prospects get.

How can someone have a stellar career for nearly 30 years and end up unemployable? Hard work and dedication apparently count for nothing. He gets tons of introductions through his network, but nothing pans out.

His self esteem is totally shot, and I don't know how to help. He told me he's a loser and I should leave him. :( (Yes, he needs a therapist. No, that's not happening.)

He really was looking forward to getting this billet; he expected his first or second choice based on advice and information from trusted admirals. Now he doesn't know what to do. He says clearly he was not competitive enough. I don't really know about that, but I do know in the past he usually has got his 1st or 2nd choice. I don't know what happened this time; all his performance reviews are stellar.

Sorry for, well, bitching. I am just so sad.

I am so sorry to hear things aren’t changing for the better. Stay strong hopefully something great is just around the corner.

I am so sorry -- I am glad you posted so we can send you lots more mojo. I hope something good and stable turns up for him soon!

Ugh, I’m sorry things keep getting worse. I’m sending more mojo.

I'm so sorry things are so tough; you've been in my prayers! I think men take job rejection so much harder than women do, it's so much more personal to them and men are not "trained" to deal with those failure emotions. My DH was similar, when he got laid off in 2009, I was a SAHM with a newborn and a 5 year old. He was unemployed and then underemployed for over 2 years. We had cobra for health insurance (which was awful once we started getting the bills for DS2's birth and 1 week nicu stay), and he collected unemployment. The ILs loaned us a large sum of money to help get us through. We decided we BOTH had to look for jobs, so I started interviewing too. It was a very tough 2 years!
All I could do is be strong for him, even when I felt scared and tiny. Found ways to make him feel "manly" and in charge. I know it sounds hokey but it helped keep him from total dejection. And he discovered that the desperation he felt was a turn off for potential employers- he had to fake a positive, strong attitude.

I'll keep praying and sending you find of mojo mojo mojo! And virtual hugs.

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I'm guessing you are locked into your area due to the Naval Reserves? If not, can you just start over with a teaching job that has good benefits (I know other parts of the US treat teachers better) and he has a fresh start for job hunting? His current network isn't useful so it doesn't sound like it's any better to stay. Just a really random thought. Otherwise, all I have is that this sucks. (((hugs)))

Thanks for the replies! I'm just whining. We actually are okay financially because we've always been big savers. So we have a comfortable retirement even if it came 10 years earlier than planned. It's a self-esteem issue for sure.

We moved here to the Bay Area for the opportunity at the start-up. We did not sell our house in Orange County; we could go back there and live even more comfortably. But we don't want to. He might because he's from there, but he doesn't want to feel as if he failed here.

The Navy Reserve does not tie us to any location. It's not like active duty. But Reservists are financially responsible for their own transportation for their "one weekend a month" obligation, and he's always been close enough to drive. That's not the issue though; his first choice was in San Diego, and his fourth choice (which he got) is in San Diego. The issue is the caliber of the role and the future prospects. Not getting his first three choices means that at least three (and likely more because not everyone would even be competing for the same roles) people were ranked higher than he was on the board, and it had been his perception (not unfounded) that he was among the top contenders. That did not pan out, and the role he got does not have the same "cachet," which will make his path to the next level more challenging (but not impossible). Again, it's more of a self-esteem thing. It's like hoping to be valedictorian, reasonably expecting at least salutatorian, and getting fourth place instead. Not horrible, just disappointing. Or aiming for your dream school, having two real contenders for back-ups, and ending up all the way down in your "safe" school. It's better than not getting in at all (and not getting a billet at all IS always a possibility, which would cause us to lose access to the affordable health insurance).

To end on a higher note, it seems that today was a better day for him on the civilian side. (The Navy side just has to play out.) His network is not tied to our physical location; he wouldn't be able to "start over" somewhere else because he's looking in both locations already. (It would take a phenomenal offer to move somewhere else entirely; we don't want to do that to the kids.) My job actually is pretty good; the benefits issue is kind of an anomaly. And no, it's not easy for me to get a job elsewhere; I was lucky to get this one. I don't have a great employment record, and I didn't have any luck getting a teaching job down in Orange County before this opportunity for DH came up a couple of years ago.

Thanks for listening (again). I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL because he doesn't want anyone to know his situation. Neither his family nor mine even know he lost his job.

I'm so sorry to hear things aren't panning out yet. I hope something great is just around the corner.

Sending mojo to your DH. I hope things turn around for him soon.