Does anyone limit their teen's device time or is that just a loosing battle?

My kids are 14 and 11 and both have phones. They pretty much attempt to be on their phones all of the time they are home at this time..and 14 year old dd has it out all of the time when we are traveling places, etc. I do make them charge their phones outside of their room when they go to sleep. I have tried having a number of hours they can be on their phones, but they fight against it. I have been a strong parent as far as enforcing rules, but I feel like this one is a loosing battle that only creates resentment and don't know if I just need to accept they are going to be on their phones all the time.

Things may be a little different between the kids, as ds (11) actually admits he can't control himself with the phone and needs help (sometimes; other times he gets angry).

FWIW, I don't mind when they are actually texting their friends, but the amount of time on youtube, social media activities not directly related to friends they know, and video games (ds) disturbs me.

I feel like it's a losing battle. DDs (12 & 14) are on all the time. Although at times they both recognize that they're on too much and cut back on their own, but it doesn't last. DD1 will even have Youtube shows going while she's doing her homework! Luckily for her, her grades are good but cmon.

I am afraid that ship has sailed, at least in our house. I have no idea how to reign it in. I'd love to hear ideas. (Sorry I had none to offer, just letting you know you're not alone!)

One of my BFFs has a bunch of kids, 2nd grade through college. She doesn't allow screens during the week. I don't know how she manages it. When her oldest was still in HS he could answer texts. But no playing games or watching youtube. My DDs complain they don't have as many cool games as her kids, and I offer to buy them the exact same games, but we'd also institute the no screens during the week rule. They stop complaining pretty quickly...

Another losing battle here - but I HAVE taken in away quite a few times.

And end of the night it leaves the bedroom for charging.

Thanks for the replies!

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Originally Posted by TwinFoxes

One of my BFFs has a bunch of kids, 2nd grade through college. She doesn't allow screens during the week. I don't know how she manages it. When her oldest was still in HS he could answer texts. But no playing games or watching youtube. My DDs complain they don't have as many cool games as her kids, and I offer to buy them the exact same games, but we'd also institute the no screens during the week rule. They stop complaining pretty quickly...

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Yes, see this is the issue. I don't want to take away their right (especially dd's) to communicate with friends, but it sucks that this is so tied up with all the rest of it.

DD is a tween and has a smartphone. She is almost never on it, but we don't allow games, social media, or anything on it. She uses it to call us or family if needed and to text friends to set up time to hang out, set up time to do group projects, clarify homework questions, and coordinate activities.

She has an app to check her homework (or 4 because every teacher gets to pick their own, but that's for the bp), and one geometry app that a teacher recommended and DH and I approved.

She doesn't have time with all her obligations. Apparently I'm channeling my dad and his "idle hands are the devil's playground" philosophy. In the car DD reads, does crafts, or does homework.

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Originally Posted by JustMe

Yes, see this is the issue. I don't want to take away their right (especially dd's) to communicate with friends, but it sucks that this is so tied up with all the rest of it.

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I think that is part of how people deal with it differently. See, I don't think that my children need to be able to constantly communicate with their peers. They don't need instant access to everyone. They don't. If something is that important (relating to homework, etc), then they can call the house phone or cell phone. But I don't think kids need thousands of texts every month, as most of them are stupid and can lead to gossip, harassment, etc.

We don't do screens during the week and it really isn't a big deal. My kids are used to it by now and have so many other things to do, they don't need screens to be their only entertainment. People act like we are Amish or afraid of technology and we really aren't. I just don't like to give too much too soon and I personally don't think that kids should have free reign over a smartphone/internet before 16 or 17 years of age. By junior year in HS, hopefully they will have learned enough and seen enough mistakes from their peers to have complete control over things. But I see many good kids, sporty, honor students making very poor choices, so I don't think any child is immune. And I think a lot of parents are blind to what their child is doing because they want to be cool or modern or trusting. There can be a balance between all of this.

DS is almost 14 and currently has an old slider phone. It texts and makes calls and that is plenty for what he needs. We are thinking of moving him up to a smartphone simply because he is in activities that use apps to communicate and group texts and those can't be done on his phone. But there will be parental controls and data limits. And the phone will be placed in the kitchen right after school/activity to charge. Again, if anyone needs to reach him immediately, they can call him. Or he will be able to check texts. And I will always be able to access his phone whenever I want. But do I think that he should be able to text for hours in his room? No. And the slider phone will be saved for DD, much to her shock and dismay lol

My kids are younger, not teens, but I work with families of teens, and I’ve seen a lot of different approaches. There’s one family I know that uses OurPact (which is what I use with my littles) to choose which apps their kids have access to at what times during the week and on weekends to give them timed allowances (like a number of hours limit per day) the kids can manage as they like. Their teens are younger, 12 and 14. This family actually tends to be pretty liberal in what they allow, but I know they do limit what they consider independent activities, like games, tv and movies on devices, and YouTube, more than they do social ones, like texting. I advocate limits like no devices at the table or during family gatherings of other sorts and no devices in the bedroom after a certain hour at night. Other than those situations, where the tech is interfering with family relationships, I think teens need to learn to self regulate, and they’re old enough to be partners with you in deciding on limits and how to implement them. Rules always work better when there’s buy-in from the kids, especially when they’re older. There are great models on how to have those discussions in _The Explosive Child_ by Ross Greene, which is worth a read even when your child isn’t remotely explosive or even much of a child anymore, because it really covers great ways to communicate with others both when they’re reactive and when they’re not so you avoid reactivity.


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I feel like I could have written this. So hard to manage it in our house. THey are very busy with activities, and by 9:00 the devices need to be plugged in downstairs. I also have said no watching shows in the morning before school... but that's about all I've done successfully. My kids do love to read, so they do that a lot too. But not as much as they spend on screens... and winter will be worse, as they used to go out and play lots of basketball when I told them to get off their screens!

10 & 12 here. 12 year old does not use his iphone at all (like it's in a drawer). the kids are allowed screen times as a break but they manage their time well (10 minute break between homework assignments). homework is a priority. No devices at meal times (rare exceptions on weekends at breakfast or lunch). They don't text with anyone so that isn't a factor. They watch YouTube. Devices are not allowed in bedrooms period. All in all it seems fine at this stage.

My oldest is only 14 but we limit screens quite a bit. We aren't entirely alone. I have other friends who also limit their children's technology and then I have friends who have pretty much no limits. I have not yet met a family that has lamented that they waited too long to introduce screen technology to their children or that they somehow managed to raise a child who doesn't have digital competency in the modern age. I don't think screens should be feared. I think in as far as they are useful to the family, by access to texting and calls, apps for homework, some permitted recreational use during specified times on specified apps, that phones and tech can be useful and beneficial but far more often I see lots of problems with technology. I think it is totally okay to set limits and it is even okay to be the only person that you know setting limits.

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Originally Posted by JustMe

Thanks for the replies!



Yes, see this is the issue. I don't want to take away their right (especially dd's) to communicate with friends, but it sucks that this is so tied up with all the rest of it.

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I think they put the phones in a centralized place, like the kitchen. So he could receive texts if needed. But no going to his room to hang out with it.

This thread made me think about my teenage days... I would spend hours talking on the phone (an actual landline phone with a cord!) I did homework while on the phone and would keep a running list of people i wanted to call or needed to call back. When i was out for dance class or another activity the best part of going home would be the list my mom would give me of who called. So as much as I dislike kids on devices I don’t know that it is all that different from my generation talking on the phone all the time. However at least my generation actually talked to communicate, learned phone manners and spoke to adults who would answer when you called a friend. I also remember families had different rules about phone use... some limited time, some hours, some days... so I think it is a common teenage problem it’s just the device has changed.

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Originally Posted by mmsmom

This thread made me think about my teenage days... I would spend hours talking on the phone (an actual landline phone with a cord!) I did homework while on the phone and would keep a running list of people i wanted to call or needed to call back. When i was out for dance class or another activity the best part of going home would be the list my mom would give me of who called. So as much as I dislike kids on devices I don’t know that it is all that different from my generation talking on the phone all the time. However at least my generation actually talked to communicate, learned phone manners and spoke to adults who would answer when you called a friend. I also remember families had different rules about phone use... some limited time, some hours, some days... so I think it is a common teenage problem it’s just the device has changed.

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This is interesting. I agree there are similarities, but what bothers me more is the differences including that there is a screen involved, that there is a lot of passivity involved, that for many kids this is much more appealing then actually getting together with friends, and yes that the social media/texting is different than the type of communicating in person. I actually do think it is really different than previous generations, as there is nothing to really base decision making on...also, you didn't carry your landline around with you, other people used it, etc.

DS1 is 14 and in 9th grade. He's had a smartphone since 6th grade, but it was my super old Samsung Galaxy Victory that had like no memory and could basically support 1 app at a time, so he basically went the first 2.5 years only being able to text, listen to music, and play one game. He now has a Samsung Galaxy J3 (so nothing super new or fancy) but he has zero interest in social media and still just uses his phone to listen to music, play games, and text. It's not the phone he's obsessed with, it's video games! On the weekends, with no limits, he'd play video games (PS4) from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed, without getting dressed or eating the whole day (I've tested him before)! So we're constantly adjusting screen time rules when it comes to him. I usually have him give his input on what he thinks is reasonable (like "do you think it's ok for you to have 5 hours of screen time on a school day if you don't have homework?") Right now our current screen time rules are:

Weekdays
* homework and chores must be completed before any screen time (although I can't stop him from watching/listening to YouTube if he's doing homework on his computer). His school has very little homework so that's been an issue lately since he has too much free time.
* screen time ends at 8:45pm, bedtime at 10pm
* he has archery one day a week and also must help me make dinner one day a week so that limits his screen time even more on those days

Weekends
* 5 hours of screen time a day (I have to cut him off or he never will)

Every Day
* no screens in the bath (he takes a bath specifically so he can sneek in his computer, phone, or kindle)
* phone, Nintendo DS, kindle, laptop, and PS4 remotes must be in my room at night (if they're in the kitchen he'll just get up to go to the bathroom and grab a screen to sneak in his bed)

Constant battle at our house too. Screens are SO addictive. My kids use Snap Chat, Youtube and Netflix primarily, but they are on their phones constantly. They are 12 and 14.

My 12 year old has always been screen-focused. He went from the TV, to playing Xbox, to playing games on the iPod, then iPhone, watching YouTube videos and now watching Netflix. He will also watch while doing homework or play Xbox at the same time as watching a show.

My 14 year old is more obsessed with SnapChat and texting his friends, but he also watched videos.

We don't allow phones or computers in bedrooms after 9 pm.

Part of me is concerned with so much screen time, but part of me says that some of it's normal as I talked on the phone for hours or watched MTV (lol) while doing homework. WE definitely talk about screen time as a family and frequently tell them to put it away and go outside for a while. Not sure that there's an easy answer and it seems like every parent is in the same boat.

I use the app our pact which allows me to schedule phone/ipad time or block immediately. It disables all apps including texting.

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Originally Posted by mmsmom

This thread made me think about my teenage days... I would spend hours talking on the phone (an actual landline phone with a cord!) I did homework while on the phone and would keep a running list of people i wanted to call or needed to call back. When i was out for dance class or another activity the best part of going home would be the list my mom would give me of who called. So as much as I dislike kids on devices I don’t know that it is all that different from my generation talking on the phone all the time. However at least my generation actually talked to communicate, learned phone manners and spoke to adults who would answer when you called a friend. I also remember families had different rules about phone use... some limited time, some hours, some days... so I think it is a common teenage problem it’s just the device has changed.

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Yes to this. My mother used to say that I was born with the phone attached to my ear. No phone in the room overnight is really our only limit. No screens at mealtimes either.

I feel like it's a losing battle definitely but gotta keep trying!

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Originally Posted by mmsmom

This thread made me think about my teenage days... I would spend hours talking on the phone (an actual landline phone with a cord!) I did homework while on the phone and would keep a running list of people i wanted to call or needed to call back. When i was out for dance class or another activity the best part of going home would be the list my mom would give me of who called. So as much as I dislike kids on devices I don’t know that it is all that different from my generation talking on the phone all the time. However at least my generation actually talked to communicate, learned phone manners and spoke to adults who would answer when you called a friend. I also remember families had different rules about phone use... some limited time, some hours, some days... so I think it is a common teenage problem it’s just the device has changed.

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I think yes and no - yes, many of us were on the phone a lot. But my mom and dad pretty much knew who my friends were and could hear most of the conversations. This is said to be the first generation in which kids basically have friends that are out of ear shot from parents and basically out of the parents' purview or ability to assess. That's a big difference.

This thread resonates with me because my 10 year old is begging for a phone and I feel like it's just a year or two more that I can hold off. Many of her friends have devices by now (mostly their old parent's phones that just aren't working like a phone that calls out or accepts calls in, but have every other feature) and a good chunk of them (a quarter?) have free reign. I have a friend who has given her kid devices for years (at age 6, we visited and the girl had two ipads, a computer, and an iphone that didn't call out) and gave her free reign. That friend boasts that her kid is really good at computers and I'm sure she is. But... I am much much more conservative. I just think my kid won't be able to keep herself off her phone so I am going to have to have very strict rules.

Huge problem in our house even though only DD1, age 15, has a phone. She got it last Christmas, 9th grade so late to the game. She didn't use it a ton at first, but this summer she went to a fantasy summer camp that she adored and a group of them use message boards to communicate year-round, come up with new plot developments, etc. Then a sub-group spun out into Google Hangouts. Since then, I have had far less an idea of who she is talking to, what sites they are referring her to, and her obsession has grown.

I suspect that for many families, a teen or tween's use of devices will change drastically at some point and something that seemed in control will cease to be. That is probably a good argument to start some controls and limits early, and then modify as needed rather than try to develop down the road.

D1 also has a school laptop she brings home daily from school. It's a huge problem. Although it does block access to some websites, there are plenty she can still get lost in like youtube, a fantasy author message board, camp message boards. So she constantly uses her computer for homework (ostensibly) and therefore has simultaneous access to the very things that distract her from doing her homework.

DD2 uses a ton of screens, but pretty benign stuff. Her hours spent watching a screen are high, but I don't have a problem with what she is viewing or doing. She is 13 and does not have a phone.
DS is addicted to youtube and wherever it leads him. He is the youngest (age 9), has the most time, the most interested in chatting on games like Minecraft, the most prone to react emotionally to strangers' comments on the internet and is the most influenced by the junk on the internet. It's a terrible combination. But for whatever reason, I find it the hardest to stop him from using it.

One thing that I notice is that DH has a much higher tolerance for screen time of all kinds. He always uses a screen to relax, to the point that his household chores are very effected. For example, he regularly yells at DS to get off the computer while DH refuses to even take his eyes off the screen he himself is using. He and I are on very different pages about kids and screens, and it's a very hard battle to fight alone. I use my laptop a great deal as well (although my phone much less) so we parents are not the best role models.

Down time from technology is always good. We are getting too dependent on these things.