Does anyone do adoption as a first choice?

Splash,
off topic, but I realise even having a bio baby, you probably have to do a lot of paperwork, in terms of custody, etc. in FL?

WARNING: negative scenario ahead!

I ask because I recently read a law review article about a lesbian mother who was about to lose her child becuase her ex-partner moved for sole custody. For years this lady had paid child support, had had visitation rights, etc. The judge just went by who the bio parent was...This was in NYC...Sad sad case that kept me awake for many nights.

e.

Oh G-d honey don't get me started. This recently happened to some friends of ours. Bio mom picked up and moved. End of story. Nothing non bio mom can do. Zip. So the kids they have raised together for eleven years are gone to her. Even worse than what is happening to us right now.
There is absolutely NOTHING we can do in FL to assure my rights to this child. Nothing. Even if she were to die and leave me custody in her will, her parents or the state can still override it. I don't think her parents ever will, but it could happen.
There is absolutely not a thing a I can, and it is only in FL that it is like this. Some states (NY is one of them, so that story surprises me) allow second parent adoptions by non married partners. Some states allow adoption by the non bio parent if the bio parent gives up custody, and almost all states allow for a UPA. FL is the only state that allows non of the above.

Welcome to the Un shine state.

OH my GOD!!!

We have gay friends (childless) who had to spend 10K or more getting everything in order (that my husband and I would have just by virtue of being married), and i thought that was unfair, but this?? No recourse at all??

My story/article is a few yrs old. It was written by a pretty prominent scholar who was advocating for a functional definition of the family (makes perfect sense in so many levels). But I digress. It is very likely that the case caused the legislature to change the law, or maybe the law was there but the lady here did not take advantage of it (no one thinks of divorce, break-up or death, until it happens to them).

I am so sorry.

A bit off topic, but Jenn — is China's limit really 30? If so, DH and I may have to rearrange our plans if we want to adopt from there.

And Eri: Nope, you're not the only one. DH and I have always planned a mix of biological and adopted children; right now we're thinking one more biological child and one adopted child, but that could change.

Yes, China's rule is both parents must be at least 30 years old. Two of the families we traveled with had their dossier ready to send on the youngest spouse's 30th birthday!

4 of the 16 families in our travel group *chose* adopting from China instead of TTC. 9 other families in that group have bio and adopted children. The remaing 3 had problems TTC and went the fertility drug route before adoption.

Yes we are one of those nutcases too ;) I was absolutely insistent that I didn't want my own kids - I would only adopt. All my family has been hearing this since I was in college. DH was fine with it too (he did want to have at least biological child but he saw how much adoption meant to me so he was okay with it).
After we looked into adoption from India, we realized that since we're not citizens we wouldn't be able to bring the child here (can't get a visa). I have nothing against adopting an American child - but I don't want people to think I'm the nanny :) Or that my husband is kidnapping the child!! Plus I would not feel right raising an American or other ethnicity child as an Indian - I would be denying them their heritage.
So I finally caved in b'cos DH wanted a child (me too, but don't tell him that :))and I didn't want to make him wait till we were 40. That's how long we'll probably have to wait to become citizens, adopt and bring the child back here.
I know people dream of winning a lottery or getting a dream job etc - this is my dream - to adopt at least one Indian girl and more if we can afford it.
Hope we can make it come true.
I have to add that I'm glad we had Jiya (of course!!)- pregnancy, birth and looking after her from day one were all miraculous and wonderful. I was worried that having my own child would make me reconsider adoption but I'm happy to say I'm just as committed as before.

I hope you're able to realize your dream one day!

I just wanted to say that my daughter is our "own child". She's our daughter 100%, but she just is not our biological child.

Here is a link to some positive adoption language that you may find useful as you continue on your journey!

http://www.adopting.org/article5.html

I don't mean any offense by this. I honestly had to re-read your post several times to figure out what you meant by "own kids" since I kept thinking about it from my perspective. :) So, I just thought I would share.

Holli

Yes, I "know" plenty of people in the same boat as you!

I am single, and my daugther is adopted from Guatemala, but I am on many adoption listserves and there are plenty of couples who choose to adopt, some with their first child, and others after having bio children...they do discuss the rude comments they get from others who dont understand though.

Robyn

Oh wow, sorry if I offended you, Holli - I meant biological child by own child. I fully realize that your children are your own - adopted or otherwise :)
Sorry again - I'll try and be more sensitive/positive in future.