In the process of adopting and need advice!

I'm in the process of domestic adoption right now and I've heard the horror stories about getting the nursery all ready and then something happens and the birth mom changes her mind.

I don't want to paint the nursery and decorate and then something happen....at the moment the plan is for the baby and I to go on a visit to grandma and grandpa's down the street for a few days while the men of the family paint the nursery. Does anyone else have a better idea?

I've decided to get the car seat, stroller, packnplay, and some essentials just in case I get a call and have one week or less to prepare, but is there anything else I should get?

I have a huge extended family and I know the baby will have more than one shower, and I planned on registering for things for a child 4-12 months since the baby will already be here when the showers happen, is that a good plan?

Thanks so much for your help and advice!!

We have adopted twice domestically. Both times, we had the room ready. Yes, it hurt sometimes when things didn't work out, but there were other times that I would go and just sit in there and it gave me some peace that if we could just stay strong and stick with it, it would be filled soon. We had it decorated in a neutral pattern, so it was ready to go for any baby, not for a specific one. When DS finally did come home, all I wanted to do was nest and snuggle, not have tons of people around and have to get things really organized. It was nice to just be settled and enjoy our time.... Our DD came home with less than two days notice, so having her room ready for the most part was a relief on top of taking care of her big brother and all the people eager to come and meet her. I am guessing that your DH may also get a severe case of the baby love and not want to spend the first few days of parenthood apart from the two of you. So, just something to consider.

For us, we knew that we would have a shower at the one month mark or so (to make sure that everything was legal and give my party planners time to get things in order). So, I made sure that we had all the essentials that we would need for the first month or so - stroller and cars seat (which my parents bought for us), bath tub, carrier, basic clothing to start, bottles, etc. trust me, there is a ton of stuff that you can register for and a lot of people, already knowing the gender, are going to go for clothing :)

Good luck with your adoption journey. It isn't easy sometimes, but always keep the end goal in mind and know that it will happen. It will.

I agree with icunurse- you've made the commitment to adopt, so it will happen. I'd have the room ready. The men of the family can be on standby to run errands and get those things you forgot ; grandma can cook your dinners :-)

I also think that you'll want to be in the comfort of your own home, once you are back home with baby. I don't remember if you said that you were looking out of state? But if so, you could up in a hotel somewhere for a few days...depends on your personality too but for me, the more I can do ahead of time, the better :-)

Thanks ladies. I'm actually adopting as a single mom. I'm in the world of adoption as an attorney and I have the home, finances, and family support to do it.

I actually got a call from my attorney today and I have been MATCHED!!!!!!! I'm so excited, the baby is in my state but not anywhere near me, which in light of my job it would make it particularly difficult for the baby to come from my area. Anyways, I have the BM's medical records and my friend who is an OBGYN NP is reviewing them.

The baby, a boy, is 26 weeks along and due around September 29th. I don't plan on having the room all ready but it will be cleaned out and ready to be transformed once the little guy is home and we have had some quiet quality time.

I'm not in a rush to have the room done. I'm so terrified of getting the room ready and then it falling through that in a way it gives me a wierd peice of mind that if something does happen, I won't have a beautiful baby room behind the door.

I am nervous about the mass amount of people who will be coming over, so in another way, spending a few days at my parents house a few weeks after the birth may be a good escape for both the baby and I.

We will see, I may change my mind, I'm so excited, nervous, terrified, that it is surreal to me that in three months I could be a mom!

Thanks for all of your advice, I really appreciate it. I will definitely be needing the support from those who have gone through it!

Congrats on being matched!!! I can't wait to hear the rest of the story as it unfolds. :cheerleader1:

Alexa, I am very excited for you! My husband and I will have our baby via surrogate, so I have some similar concerns.

Some other, smaller things that you probably want to have on hand are:
-a baby carrier (you will want the baby to start getting used to your heartbeat and voice, so having a sling or other kind of carrier will be good)
-a bag that you can use as a diaper bag
-a "coming home from the hospital outfit"
-some undershirts
-some newborn diapers
-some bottles

Some other things to consider:
- See if the BM will play tapes or mp3s of your voice to the baby. They have headsets that can go around her tummy. You might record yourself reading a book you plan to read to the baby once he is home, or tell him how much you want to meet him, or sing him a song or 2.
-If you don't have a pediatrician picked out, you should consider shopping for one soon. You can ask her/him what kind of formula and other things to keep on hand for the baby's arrival.
-If you need to fly the baby home with you, keep that in mind when you select a car seat and stroller. Check the FAA's weight and other restrictions for baby stuff.

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

Happy planning!!!

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Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

Happy planning!!!

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Op - so excited for you and wishing you the best outcome for everyone! Everyone has their own way of preparing for an arrival and no way is wrong. But it is exciting! Maybe start reading up about baby care, adoptive parenting, and considering pediatricians. Even though it is scary, try and have some small moments of joy for yourself. And now, I apologize in advance for hijacking your post with the following...

SIS - Whoa. I am doing my best to not be offended by that remark and I will chalk it up to lack of knowledge about adoption. EVERY woman has a right to hold their child and, until those papers are signed, it is HER child. And if they cant let go, then they shouldn't (even if you think that they should). Just because a child is being placed for adoption does NOT mean that they do not want or love that child. A birthmother has huge amounts of love for their child, so much so that they put the child's needs above their own desire to parent. Besides that, what adoptive parent would want a child that someone else wants to/can parent?! Adoptive parents do not want to become a parent via deceptive methods. Birth parents need to feel comfortable with their decision and have some small sense of closure and if holding their child gives them that, then it needs to be done. FWIW, both of my children's birth mom's held them and one even roomed in with them for a couple days. They needed that time to not only solidify their decision, but to say goodbye. As an adoptive parent, I am hurt by your comments and suggest that your either read up on how it works and the actual facts or just keep that thought to yourself.

Again, OP, apologizes for the above rant and hoping that good things come your way!

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Originally Posted by icunurse

SIS - Whoa. I am doing my best to not be offended by that remark and I will chalk it up to lack of knowledge about adoption. EVERY woman has a right to hold their child and, until those papers are signed, it is HER child. And if they cant let go, then they shouldn't (even if you think that they should). Just because a child is being placed for adoption does NOT mean that they do not want or love that child. A birthmother has huge amounts of love for their child, so much so that they put the child's needs above their own desire to parent. Besides that, what adoptive parent would want a child that someone else wants to/can parent?! Adoptive parents do not want to become a parent via deceptive methods. Birth parents need to feel comfortable with their decision and have some small sense of closure and if holding their child gives them that, then it needs to be done. FWIW, both of my children's birth mom's held them and one even roomed in with them for a couple days. They needed that time to not only solidify their decision, but to say goodbye. As an adoptive parent, I am hurt by your comments and suggest that your either read up on how it works and the actual facts or just keep that thought to yourself.

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Thanks for putting that into words much more eloquently than I could have.

I understand the pain of a failed adoption. I've planned for, shopped for, and expected to bring home a baby more than once. Believe me, in the middle of infertility treatments, a "is she pregnant or not?" birthmom saga, and deciding my next move to give my daughter a sibling... it's obvious that I want a baby :) But I would NEVER deny the birthmother what she needed to feel secure in letting me raise her child. Case in point--in an effort to adopt the child that's lived with me for more than 5 years, I participate in an open-adoption-to-be. I want DD's birthmom to know that the child she created, the child that she loved and nurtured, the child that she nursed for the time she had, is being raised well, loved, and being a kid anyone could be proud of. And, I'd do it again in a second. Why? Because I would never, COULD NEVER, be a mother a child and have to tell them, "No, your birthmom couldn't hold you because I wouldn't let her." My job as a mother is to raise my child to be loving, kind, accepting, and understanding. If I'm not compassionate towards her birth mom--mind you, a birth mom that's giving me a gift I can't give myself and more important than anything else--if I can't be compassionate towards the birth mother, how can I face my child when she/he asks if his birth mom held him? (And it will be asked. I have yet to meet an adoptee who didn't ask "did my birth mom see me? hold me? know me?")

OP, sorry to continue with the thread highjack. Obviously, I have strong feelings about this. My forever mom NEVER spoke a bad word about my birth mom; in fact, she told me how hard my birth mom worked to care for me when I was a new born, and how much she held and loved me before she gave me to my forever mom. And, conversely, my birth mom has also spoke glowingly of my forever mom--how thankful she was that my forever mom never cut her out of my life (my birth mom did go out of my life for 28 years, but it was birth mom's choice, not something my forever family chose). Adoption is about doing what's best for the child, and having a "what's best for the adoptive mom" isn't necessarily what's in the best interest for the child. Yeah, it sucks facing the fact that a birth mom could hold a baby and totally question the adoption plan. But, it would suck more to tell your child that it's the adoptive family's fault that the birth mother never got to hold the baby she nurtured and loved and cared for while he/she was growing inside.

I am glad you two women had much better experiences with this than what I had seen elsewhere. I certainly didn't mean to be rude to any woman who gives up a baby, and I would not advocate deception.

Congratulations on being matched!!

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Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

I am glad you two women had much better experiences with this than what I had seen elsewhere. I certainly didn't mean to be rude to any woman who gives up a baby, and I would not advocate deception.

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I read your earlier comment of how making sure the birth mother doesn't get to hold the baby really rubbed me up the wrong way. But since this is a public forum & do not know you at all, I decide to let it go as after all you've a right to your opinion. But even after the other two ladies called you on it in a nice & eloquent way, you still type up your above comment in a very insecure way, at least to my interpretation. I don't know anything about adoption, beyond my best friend as an adopted child. Guess what? The fact she knew she was never held by her birth mother gave her a lot of insecurities growing up, even though she had awesome adoptive parents. As a social worker, I cannot emphasize enough on proper closure; it's very important for both parents; birth & adoptive to have a sense of closure & new beginning. The adoptive, knowing everything was all ad above board with birth parent getting her goodbyes & closure in. The birth parent having her moment of grieving and closure. So what, if the birth mom changes her mind, as hard it may be, it may have been "right" in the sense that the adoption was probably never meant to go through. After all, it isn't like the parent demanded to have that, but states actually put their laws into writing to have the 24 hours or 72 hours of being a legal parent before they sign their rights away. There IS a reason for such laws in place. I'm really sorry for your own bad experience, as obviously it must have hurt you or someone you knew who's been through it, but to come across indicating birth moms do not have a right to hold the baby is, well...bit cold.

And to the OP, sorry to hijack your posting. Congrats on your big news!! Be sure to keep all of us updated by September.

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Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interest.

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Wow. What century is this, again?

To the OP....big congratulations :yay: and welcome to the forums :)

Thank you everyone for the positive wishes!!! And no problem to any hijacking, that is what forums are for and I love to hear everyone's opinions.

As for my match, my attorney spoke with the birth mom, who didn't want to pick the adoptive parent, so my attorney picked me out of all of the adoptive parents she is representing. Anyways, she told the birth mom about me and she said the birth mom was thrilled! She said she was elated about the attorneys pick and knew this was the right thing for the baby. I was so happy to hear she was pleased with the match. I am forever grateful to the birth mom for helping me become a mom.

Obviously, she is the mother both bio and legal until she signs the surrenders and that is her right. I hope she chooses to hold the baby (my family has named him Little Dude, until it becomes official). I want my child to know that not only I unconditionally love him, but that his birth mom did too. I completely agree that it could hurt him emotionally down the road if she never held him, in a, "I was just thrown away" concept. I know everyone has their own opinions and if the birth mom doesn't want to hold him then that may be the best way for her to deal with it, but for someone to suggest her not to hold the baby for fear she might change her mind is horrendous.

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

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Originally Posted by Alexa1981

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

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We actually had a discussion right along this line this morning in the nursery at church! Trusting God to bring you the family He's designed for you is very tough. I've lost 6 pregnancies, I've had multiple failed adoptions, and basically adopted 1 child. A year ago, I was "what will be, will be" but, over the past year, reality has hit--I'm 33, I rarely ovulate, and I need to get going if I'm going to attempt a pregnancy... or if I'm going to take in more than 1-2 more babies eventually through the state. But, like I told the ladies this morning, God's only going to let happen what he's already ordained for my life, so I just gotta pray about it, and go where I think He's leading me.

Again, good luck, and don't hesitate to check out the rest of the forums! There are some absolutely wonderful women (and a few great men) here too!

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Originally Posted by Alexa1981

With everything comes a risk and that is the risk with adoption. I don't want to offen those who are not religious, so I apologize in advance, but my strength in this is from God. If he wants me to be the baby's mom, then I will be. If he has something different in mind then things will change. I know that God only gives you things that you can handle and I know if it falls through I will be devastated, but that there was a purpose. All I care about is for this little boy to have the best life possible, if that is with me as his mom that I would be so honored, but if it is with the birth mom, that is how it is supposed to be. It is so hard to come to terms with the concept of what will be will be, but that is how the world works.

Once again thank you all for the warm wishes!!

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This is a great way to look at it and it will give you strength no matter what happens. The saying goes that if you just stick with adoption, you will become a parent and I have yet to see that proven wrong. I literally told my sons birth mom the day before he was born that if she changed her mind and decided to parent him, we would understand, we would be okay. I knew that she wanted to parent him, but that she wasn't at a point in her life where she felt she should parent him. She is still grateful to me for giving her that reassurance, she roomed with him for 2 days, and we maintain a great open adoption. She also was the first one to call me, before our social worker did, to tell us that she had signed the papers because she didn't want us to worry longer than necessary. Respect = respect. I have alway given both of my children's bio families my great respect and honesty, because to do less would be disrespectful of their lineage (and therefore of them) and I never want to have anything less than good, honest answers in the future when my children come to me with questions. It sounds like you have the right mentality in this and you are on the right path. Stay strong and hopeful and may your child come home to you soon!

First of all, congratulations!!!! It's such an exciting thing to hear that you have been matched, so enjoy the next few months of preparing. You have a wonderful attitude towards life and our faith in God's plan for our family was also what got us through the difficult journey of adoption. Adoption is certainly not easy but it sure helps to know that God already has the perfect family planned out for you. I found that I enjoyed preparing for the arrival of a child into our family once we were matched. We did go ahead and paint and prepare a room knowing that it may not work out this time, but eventually it would. Everyone is so different in the way they feel towards preparing and there is no right or wrong way to go about it.

We now have a 4 year old DD and a 22 month old DD. In both situations, the birthmoms chose us and we had a chance to get to know them prior to the births. We were asked by both of them to be at the hospital for the births and we actually had our own rooms in the hospital. We bonded with the birth families during this time and we all shared the baby, hugs, laughter, and tears. We feel so blessed that we can tell the girls that their birth mom's loved them so much that they wanted the best life possible for them. Every situation is different but I'm so glad that the girls' birth families are a part of our family now. I think it will be easier for the girls that there won't be any unanswered questions.

Have fun planning and keep us updated!

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Originally Posted by swrc00

Congrats on being matched!!! I can't wait to hear the rest of the story as it unfolds. :cheerleader1:

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:yeahthat: Sorry I didn't see your matched post earlier....Congrats :bighand:

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Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock

One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

Happy planning!!!

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First, Congratulations! I'm SO happy for you.
Second. I'm a birth mom. I have given a child up for adoption. The above did NOT offend me in anyway. I don't think that an adoptive parent should dictate this, necessarily, but I think there is validity to the comment.

I decided on my own, to not hold my baby right after he was born. My grandma did that - so he was held and loved and snuggled and oogled by his great-grandma, who also fed him. I did hold him later, but I knew that that was going to be a too emotionally charged moment to hold him and still be able to go through with the adoption that I KNEW was in the best interest of both my son and myself.

I just thought I'd share my perspective...since it is different.

The other piece of advice that I have - and hopefully you (or your adoption attorney) already know this, but if you don't have BOTH of the birth parents rights terminated. Try to have the birth father adjudicated, then have his rights terminated, too. I think it protects all parties best.

No BTDT advice from me but just wanted to say congratulations on the match and he has the same EDD as my DD (and birthday :)).

I think it's ok to hold off the nursery - it takes a few months before the baby moves into its own room anyway, and like you said you have extended family to help you out when you feel ready.

Add a co-sleeper or bassinet/Moses basket for your room so the baby has a place to sleep. That, car seat, clothes, diapers, formula, bottles are all you really need those first few weeks. I hope you keep us posted.