What would you do? DH & wedding dilemma

As most of you know from my various posts we'll be going to Disneyland from June 18-22. This last minute trip to DL was planned when DH found out he'd be going to E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) from June 15-17. Not only was it his dream to attend E3, but he would also be making valuable contacts since he finally graduated last Aug. w/his BA in 3d/modeling.

Anyhow we just got an invitation this morning that his cousin will be having his wedding reception on the evening of June 18th (right in the middle of our trip). Now this cousin & his wife have been married for 2 years already! They had a baby so got married before the wife gave birth, but because the wife is the flashy kind she decided to wanted to spend $3000 a table on their wedding reception. DH's cousin could care less about having an "Official wedding gala". But now DH is stressing over it since he says he CAN'T miss it because it's his cousin. They are not particularly close, but DH is the type where he just can't stand for anyone to be mad at him & he really cares what everyone thinks. :rolleyes:

DH is now talking about skipping out on E3 altogether OR driving from LA to SF to attend the wedding on Friday then go back to LA again for a one night wedding reception. That $ could go towards our daughter's vacation in DL. I told him it's not worth it for him to spend half our trip doing that & that I'd rather just go without him or take someone else in his place (we got a promo. on the hotel so everything is pre-paid). I mean, what's the point of him even going if he'll be gone half the trip? What do you think? Am I wrong to feel seriously annoyed? I doubt the cousin's wife would even care since we aren't really close...he!!, we'll be saving them some money, right?

Send a gift, a nice hearty congratulations and enjoy your vacay! Seriously I would have no qualms even IF this were a real wedding with someone close involved to say, "I'm so sorry but we have this trip planned. Besides, who gives 2 months notice to a wedding in the middle of summer?

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Originally Posted by m448

Send a gift, a nice hearty congratulations and enjoy your vacay! Seriously I would have no qualms even IF this were a real wedding with someone close involved to say, "I'm so sorry but we have this trip planned. Besides, who gives 2 months notice to a wedding in the middle of summer?

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I told him that I would just tell cousin's wife that he has an expo. to attend & that we're coming with him. This will be DD1's only "fun thing" planned for the whole Summer & DD1's first trip to DL, so I'm really irked right now that he is even considering missing it or ruining it by trekking back & forth.

We would be going on the vacation ;) ... Did I read it right they have been married for 2 yrs already? Yup.. the vacation !

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Originally Posted by JBaxter

We would be going on the vacation ;) ... Did I read it right they have been married for 2 yrs already? Yup.. the vacation !

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YUP! They have been married for 2 years (they got married at city hall) & they have a 2-year old. If it was ME, I'd be spending that money on my daughter, but apparently cousin's wife loves to be the center of attention & she just loves spending that $. Even DH's cousin admitted to me he didn't really care if they had the "official wedding/reception" where the whole family gets to see them get hitched. Cousin's wife, let's call her "N", apparently wears the pants in the family; last time I saw them, cousin was telling me that "N" wanted a 2nd child, and it was probably going to happen with or without him! lol

OK I am someone who had a reception after the wedding. In my case it was 2 weeks later because we got married in Jamaica.

I never ever ever would have DREAMED that anyone would skip out on a family vacation just to go to my reception. No way! It's a fun thing for the couple to do, a way to get family together..... but not an obligation for your DH.

Send a good-humored congratulations card with a note saying you'd love to attend but have previously scheduled plans for that date. Send a small gift too - maybe a bottle of wine. Then don't think another thing of it.

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Originally Posted by wellyes

OK I am someone who had a reception after the wedding. In my case it was 2 weeks later because we got married in Jamaica.

I never ever ever would have DREAMED that anyone would skip out on a family vacation just to go to my reception. No way! It's a fun thing for the couple to do, a way to get family together..... but not an obligation for your DH.

Send a good-humored congratulations card with a note saying you'd love to attend but have previously scheduled plans for that date. Send a small gift too - maybe a bottle of wine. Then don't think another thing of it.

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Hello to my doppelganger! ;) Sorry if my initial post came off like I was complaining about people having their receptions after the wedding. I have no problems with it....I think it's just the fact that I know she's spending big bucks just so people can spend a whole day admiring her/dress/makeup, etc. her despite the fact her DH doesn't even want this. She's the type that drops big bucks on Juicy Couture clothing for her infant so people know she's got the $. I mean, if you have it, by all means spend it, but her motivation is so people know they've got the money.

;) I didnt think you came across saying anything about after the wedding receptions.. I had one in Maryland 2 weeks after we got married at DH's grandparents ranch in California. But TWO years? Thats a stretch.

I guess the issue is dh. He really seems to want to go. While I would skip the wedding, I would have a hard time doing it if my dh was really against it. I would reschedule the vacation if he was so, so committed to the wedding. But, I know I would try really hard to convince dh to skip it!! I would suggest inviting the "newlyweds" to a great dinner when you get back into town.

Beth

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Originally Posted by JBaxter

;) I didnt think you came across saying anything about after the wedding receptions.. I had one in Maryland 2 weeks after we got married at DH's grandparents ranch in California. But TWO years? Thats a stretch.

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That's good...I didn't want my irritation with DH to be mistaken for disdain w/delayed wedding receptions. :D I agree...2 years is a bit of a long wait. I guess she wasn't getting enough attention & needed a reason to feel pretty again...so BINGO, let's get married again! ;)

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Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles

I guess the issue is dh. He really seems to want to go. While I would skip the wedding, I would have a hard time doing it if my dh was really against it. I would reschedule the vacation if he was so, so committed to the wedding. But, I know I would try really hard to convince dh to skip it!! I would suggest inviting the "newlyweds" to a great dinner when you get back into town.

Beth

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I know DH wants to go, but his motivation for going is not because he feels like it's the right thing to do or even that he wants to go...it's: geez Cousin & N might be mad at me if I don't. REALLY? Are we FIVE? :confused:

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Originally Posted by conniez

I know DH wants to go, but his motivation for going is not because he feels like it's the right thing to do...it's: geez Cousin & N might be mad at me if I don't. REALLY? Are we FIVE? :confused:

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I agree that it doesn't make sense and I don't go out of my for family I really don't know well. But, is he going to be upset about missing it? Is it worth disappointments or fights, or whatever they dynamic would be for your marriage? Is it worth the logistics of him trying to do both things?

Beth

"We're so sorry, but we have had family vacation plans in place for quite some time."

And seriously? Is the invite the first mention of this reception you've had? At least with a "traditional" time span of wedding/reception, there is a great deal of advance planning and talk. I'd totally not feel obligated to go.

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Originally Posted by elizabethkott

"We're so sorry, but we have had family vacation plans in place for quite some time."

And seriously? Is the invite the first mention of this reception you've had? At least with a "traditional" time span of wedding/reception, there is a great deal of advance planning and talk. I'd totally not feel obligated to go.

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I think they mentioned they were going to do something & would send out invites. I took the formal invitation out of today's mail.

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Originally Posted by JBaxter

We would be going on the vacation ;) ... Did I read it right they have been married for 2 yrs already? Yup.. the vacation !

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:yeahthat:

i just want to say that u have the right to be totally annoyed with your DH..i would be too. in no way would i go to this wedding...it isn't close family and most importantly you've already got major plans. i agree it would be unfair to your kids to cut the disney vacation short just because of this.

i TOTALLY sympathize with your situation..... for our own wedding there was a ton of drama where basically random distant relatives and almost-strangers (neighbors of MIL, people DH & I had never even met!!) were inviting themselves to our wedding through my MIL, and DH refused to say no to them. he was just so afraid of his mom and others in his family getting mad at him. UGH. i wanted to shake the man, it was so frustrating. my DH has gotten better though, now that we have our DS, he seems to realize that his needs come first and we aren't going to go out of our way just to please his family. so maybe u can hopefully make your DH realize that your kids would have a much better/easier time going to the Disney vacation as planned, and it would be really hard on them if your DH wasn't there half the time or whatnot. personally, i'd more afraid of disappointing my own young children and/or my own spouse than possibly disappointing a random relative i don't even talk to, KWIM? sometimes husband's don't get this though

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Originally Posted by ♥ms.pacman♥

:yeahthat:

i just want to say that u have the right to be totally annoyed with your DH..i would be too. in no way would i go to this wedding...it isn't close family and most importantly you've already got major plans. i agree it would be unfair to your kids to cut the disney vacation short just because of this.

i TOTALLY sympathize with your situation..... for our own wedding there was a ton of drama where basically random distant relatives and almost-strangers (neighbors of MIL, people DH & I had never even met!!) were inviting themselves to our wedding through my MIL, and DH refused to say no to them. he was just so afraid of his mom and others in his family getting mad at him. UGH. i wanted to shake the man, it was so frustrating. my DH has gotten better though, now that we have our DS, he seems to realize that his needs come first and we aren't going to go out of our way just to please his family. so maybe u can hopefully make your DH realize that your kids would have a much better/easier time going to the Disney vacation as planned, and it would be really hard on them if your DH wasn't there half the time or whatnot. personally, i'd more afraid of disappointing my own young children and/or my own spouse than possibly disappointing a random relative i don't even talk to, KWIM? sometimes husband's don't get this though

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EXACTLY! If only he would realize this!

How disappointing!

Is there some third party with whom you two could discuss this? A counselor might be too heavy a lift. Another couple or, if you're religious, someone affiliated with your place of worship? I don't mean to overreact but since you said DH has a hang up about pleasing his relatives, this is likely to keep coming up. Your family is the primary obligation and it's really odd he would sacrifice your plans for any wedding, let alone this one.

The fact that this trip is such a big deal to you (you have a ticker on your sig!) might give you the leverage to get him to talk about it with someone else before a final decision is made. Just because it's a fun trip doesn't mean it's not a really big deal. You're not shallow or selfish for not wanting to give it up. Maybe another perspective will help him with priorities.

Sometimes people can accept things from a person other than their spouse. Oh, and men sometimes need to hear from another man. Just to state the obvious.

Whatever you do, I hope DH comes around.

We planned our wedding 6 months ahead and had relatives that could not come because thye had a vacation planned already at the same time. Oh well.

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Originally Posted by marge234

Your family is the primary obligation and it's really odd he would sacrifice your plans for any wedding, let alone this one.

The fact that this trip is such a big deal to you (you have a ticker on your sig!) might give you the leverage to get him to talk about it with someone else before a final decision is made. Just because it's a fun trip doesn't mean it's not a really big deal. You're not shallow or selfish for not wanting to give it up. Maybe another perspective will help him with priorities.

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:yeahthat: it really burns me when men do things out of a clear sense of obligation to others (usually their families) thereby completely abandoning any sense of obligation to YOU! you've all been looking forward to this trip together for a long time and it is VERY important to you and the kids (and presumably to your DH too, especially with the expo thing). suddenly, now, it's okay to totally ditch those plans to go to a stupid non-wedding reception because it's important to the cousin's wife and he doesn't want anyone to be mad?? is he at all afraid of YOU being mad or disappointed?? not to mention his children???

sorry, i'm just familiar with this dynamic in our house and it touches a nerve when other ladies are dealing with it too. i would be furious. definitely grounds for a 3rd party consult. he needs to realize how twisted this is.

Thanks everyone for your support and/or opinions. I'm happy to say that DH basically confirmed we will still be going as planned. When he first saw the invitation he actually asked me how much we pre-paid as if to imply that we should just cancel & lose any deposit/funds paid! Can you imagine?

Later our conversation went something like this => after a half hour of DH sitting at his desk ripping out his hair & wrestling with his conscience (only half kidding ;)):

DH: "So....what would we get them if we didn't go to the wedding?"
Me: "We could offer to take them out to dinner and make sure to get them a really nice gift."
DH: (Handing me the RSVP card) "Okay, just respond then and go ahead and let "N" know we already had plans, and then we'll make sure to take them out to dinner when we get back."

I think DH finally realized it was ME he would have to come home to & that I would NOT be a happy camper if he cancelled out on his kids :ROTFLMAO:

:bighand: way to go, DH!! yay!!

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Originally Posted by boogiemomz

:bighand: way to go, DH!! yay!!

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I know, I'm so happy he finally came to his senses! :p He is really a good person, but sometimes he just goes too far to please his family. That would just be crazy for him to make that 7 hr. drive back & forth in 1 day and still be up for a whole day at DL. He honestly sat there for at least 30 mins. staring at the invitation, tugging at his hair, and going "Dang him! This is such poor planning...having it on a Friday at 5:30pm....people have work, don't they know?! " and on and on it went. Until he finally gave me the good news. It just didn't make sense for him to miss out on E3- a once in a lifetime opp. for him, plus I made it clear I would be going to DL w/the girls, either by myself or with someone who would be there 100%. ;)

yay, so glad your DH decided to keep the plans as is!! :)

Yay!!! :)

Beth

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Originally Posted by conniez

plus I made it clear I would be going to DL w/the girls, either by myself or with someone who would be there 100%. ;)

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atta girl! disney, here we come! :boogie: (you, i mean. here you come!)

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Originally Posted by m448

Send a gift, a nice hearty congratulations and enjoy your vacay! Seriously I would have no qualms even IF this were a real wedding with someone close involved to say, "I'm so sorry but we have this trip planned. Besides, who gives 2 months notice to a wedding in the middle of summer?

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:yeahthat:

ETA: just bothered to read past the first page. Glad y'all worked it out!

So glad he came around!

Thanks mamas! Now should I include a note with the RSVP explaining, or do you think it's best to call? I usually talk to "N" through text/e-mail, but I think an e-mail or text might be too casual to explain why we can't make it, right? Any ideas? Thanks! :)

i think whatever you're most comfortable with, i.e. whatever would feel least awkward to you (knowing the dynamic between you) would be fine. either a note with the RSVP or a call would be perfectly appropriate, i think. if it were me, i would probably call (soon) and explain, and still send the RSVP (if it's included w/ a SASE) with regrets and a quick "so sorry we can't make it!" but again, i think you're okay either way.

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Originally Posted by boogiemomz

atta girl! disney, here we come! :boogie: (you, i mean. here you come!)

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:ROTFLMAO:

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Originally Posted by boogiemomz

i think whatever you're most comfortable with, i.e. whatever would feel least awkward to you (knowing the dynamic between you) would be fine. either a note with the RSVP or a call would be perfectly appropriate, i think. if it were me, i would probably call (soon) and explain, and still send the RSVP (if it's included w/ a SASE) with regrets and a quick "so sorry we can't make it!" but again, i think you're okay either way.

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I don't talk to her often, but I think I will call her just in case the RSVP gets lost in the mail or they overlook our response because they assumed we'd be there. I guess I'd/we'd better prepare ourself mentally for the reaming we're going to get from DH's mom/family! DH is Vietnamese and his parents are very traditional. They were so upset that DH's cousin & "N" weren't having a traditional Asian wedding (meaning the parents/family gets to invite 500 of their closest friends ;)) that my MIL said she was going to have a talk with cousin's parents! :47: