I need some shoulders.....

[firsttimemommy]

can I just unload? I need some ears, shoulders and advice... long, so I understand if you want to just click back now.....

I was a teacher before having kids. Had DD in 2003 and suffered severe PPD. got pregnant 6 mos later (I know, what was I thinking, with PPD and all) and had DS in 2004. Of course they are my life, my joy, my reason for living, wanting to be a better person, etc. I love them more than anything in this world. I was a SAHM for 3.5 years but after 2.5 years of it I began to wonder if I would be better off working part time. (I missed the adult/professional interaction and was feeling very bogged down with two toddlers at home - DH worked 14 hour days so I was alone alot). I had felt guilty sending them to an MDO b/c nothing was ever good enough, money was tight b/c I wasn't working and wasn't that my job to be with them, not send them away??? (I know, irrational thinking but remember PPD. Bear with me)

So in March 2006 my old principal asked me to finish the school year for a teacher who had tragically passed away. Of course it was awful circumstances and taking over a class who had had subs for 7 weeks (1st grade) and trying to make a difference in just 11 weeks of the year that was left was a huge challenge. But I LOVED it. So when my principal asked me to return the following year I agreed. I thought this was a "sign" An answer to my dilemma I had been having for the past year (work or nor work?).

(sidenote we also began building a house once I agreed to stay full time)

We moved over the summer and I had to find new daycare. I loved the place, but the kids had a hard time adjusting. My job was great, but I found myself getting sadder and sadder b/c I felt I had no time with the kids anymore. Maybe the 11 weeks of the past year did not bring this out in me b/c I knew it was only 11 weeks? I dont know. Anyway, I started to resent every meeting, etc etc. But I did love the students I taught Over the course of the year I began to "break down" and started seeing a therapist again. 4 medications later and I was still a mess. I missed my kids terribly and leaving them for 10 hours a day was killing me.

So I decided to go part time for the following year. The position was in special education, but it was a community based inclusion program for 4/5 year olds. I was told at the most, it would be a few ADHD or speech impaired children. I looked forward to the idea of getting off at 11:30, seeing my kids more, learning a "new" job (spec ed) and not being under any state testing constraints - we could make play doh! we could play games (learning)! We could sing songs!!!. I loved the whole developmentally appropriate instruction idea that our state thinks is ok or everyone up to 5 (then if of course changes thanks to the good old state test!) It was also supposed to be about 15 students with 3 adults - that sounded awesome! (compared to the 22 I had in first grade and I was alone)

I also thought it would be an excellent experience to work more intensely with students with disabilities (I had had them in the past in the regular classroom and found myself successful with them) and I wanted to/hoped to make a difference at a more basic level (younger).

fast forward over the summer and even the fall and here I sit - 3.5 months into the school year. I have cried about every other day. I work in a daycare (but for the public school) so I have no resources (supplies, copier, computer, laminator) or other colleagues to easily confer with that have same "goals" I have (it's just different agendas in a daycare than the public school - one is not necessarily better - not meaning to sound snobby, it's just different - it is what it is) .

I have several kids with SEVERE behavioral disorders. I have tried SO many different things and each day it feels like a climb up a hill that just keeps growing. I love challenges but the A type personality in me is having a hard time not seeing much progress and feeling like a constant "policeman" all day. I love the kids individually but I am beginning to hate teaching. Please dont take any of this the wrong way - it is NOT that I dont like the kids/disabilities - not at ALL. I LOVE the kids, really - I KNOW they are just children and they NEED my (or someone's) loving help and guildance to help correct or at least better live with/conrol their disabilities.

But the big picture is that I just dont think I can't handle it. I am spit on, screamed at, punched, head butted, slapped and have had to perform NCI restraints on a 3 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he was trying to leave the building) Several of them attack their friends physically - they have been bit, busted lips, etc. They do not listen to redirection/instruction even with trying NUMEROUS different techniques. And frankly I am exhausted because nothing seems to work. I have asked for district support personnel to come help, but I dont see much (we are kind of forgotten b/c I have been told we are the smallest "fire" to put out). It breaks my heart to see kids with this many difficulties but it is breaking my spirit too - I just do not think I am cut out for this - I am not tough/strong enough.

I now spend each Sunday dreading the next day. I am grumpy, weepy, miserable and spending at least half the day trying to figure out what to do. The only day of the week I feel like I can really relax and be "me" is Saturday (no job to go to that day or to dread for the next day)

If I quit, I let so many people down - and it's a critical needs position that is part time - not exactly tons of people lining up for this job. And there's that A type personality - dont want to be a quitter or have people think I failed - who will hire me with that reputation?

but my personal life is suffering b/c I truly hate this job. I feel so guilty for saying that, but it's the truth. Everyone has been really nice, so noone else to "blame".

I am seeing my therapist again, but I feel like I am deteriorating rapidly....I am not sure I can even make it through next week. I come home each day and curl up in a ball or just weep or become agitated b/c I am overwhelmed. Medication is still not helping so I wonder if someone is trying to tell me that I need to make this decision to let the job go? Believe me I am not taking this lightly, this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. And I have a hard time being honest with my boss (who is wonderful) b/c again, I dont want to let her down, disappoint her and I am kind of embarrassed about my emotional/mental issues. Plus, I know I am not the first person to ever be in a difficult situation and I want to be a professional, not a quitter. But again I am MISERABLE personally and I feel like I am wishing away and at times wasting away a year of my life b/c I am having a hard time functioning.

if I am going to quit I have to do it soon - in teaching its best to leave in december/jan if you can control the time/decision. Hubby says I have to work (again, more pressure, guilt) and I know I do - we built a new house on the premise I would work. We can *make* our bills with me not working, but we will never get ahead, wont save enough for retirement. I'm not saying I wont work at all either - I like working - but at this point if I leave I dont yet have a plan b solidly in place. But I am feeling the time/crunch/pressure to make a decision for my personal functioning/coping and for the district's convenience to hire someone new.

It doesnt help that my instructional assistant left after 4 weeks of the year and the daycare teacher quit last week. (both for reasons totally different than mine) Although the new one is much better, it would mean ANOTHER new teacher for the poor little ones.

If you made it this far, thank you. I dont have the energy to go back and condense/rewrite (which I usually do). Any words of wisdom would be helpful (and please remember, I am having huge guilt issues ALREADY)

THANK you.......

[amandabea]

I don't have any advice, but I want you to know that you are such a good person for doing what you do. Ok, I have some advice...you need to stop taking yourself for granted while trying to do for everyone else. If this isn't the right thing for you right now, people (your principal and your DH) will understand...maybe not initially, but eventually and in the meantime YOU will be better for doing what you need. Try to remember that this is not your fire to put out, you are just there to maintain/contain it and ultimately if you can't be there, then someone else will come in to do the same thing you are doing -- which is the best they can do given the situation.

I hope your writing about how you feel made/makes you feel less guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Don't feel like you need to take yourself for granted, there are plenty of other people in your lifetime who will do that, so you shouldn't.

Amanda

[niccig]

I had to reply.
I've felt like you have. You are not helping yourself, the kids in your class, your own kids or your DH at the moment. I think you need to get yourself together FIRST, and you are VERY unhappy.

But I wouldn't quit without a plan. Sit down with your DH and see what you can work out. Can you manage if you don't work for a set period of time, while you still see the therapist, wait for the meds to work etc. How much can you save by taking the kids out of full-time care, not eating out, cutting back in other places. And it's not like you'll never work again for the rest of your life, so don't worry about retirement plans just yet. We're talking about getting through the here and now.

What other options are there for work, that are more manageable? Talk to your current boss, can you cut back on hours, or get more help? If the other option is you leaving, you might find them to be very helpful (they've already had several staff leave.) Is it possible to get part-time work elsewhere? My SIL is a teacher and she works part-time running a Sunday school program - not as much pay as teaching, but it might help. I know subbing isn't great, but it's an option.

I find that with a plan you can cope with most things. Eg. if you decide to work for a few more months while you and DH get things organized, you'll have that to look forward to, and it might help with the here and now.

Don't keep this to yourself, it'll just get worse. Talk with DH, your boss, your old principal - I know you can find a way.

ETA
Oh and as for the guilt. I swear that when you have kids, you also give birth to guilt. But don't let it run your life. Your kids will be fine, your DH will be fine, the kids in the class will be fine, your boss will be fine. But what about you? Where do you come in this picture?

[firsttimemommy]

Thank you both - I know that was ALOT to read and take in and I was totally unloading.

You are both right and I actually do have a plan - but I am still scared. Here is what we are thinking:

The district will still owe me money when I leave because I have worked more days than I have been paid for. I can spread that money (while factoring in no daycare costs anymore) well over two months time. We can even live on just my husband's salary if we force ourselves, so in reality, I have about 7 months (til the start of the next school year) to figure out what to do and get my act together.

My fears are: will it be hard getting back into the district IF I decide that is what I want in the future? I do love working with children and hate to think those doors might be closed. I mean people have left and come back before, but there is always that off chance that I might not be so lucky. No, it's not the only district, but based on where we live and knowing I would want to teach/work close to if not at the same school as my children, it worries me to take a chance to burn a bridge....

I can't cut back on hours, I already only work 20 hours a week But everyone who has taught knows that those are 'clock' hours and your job continues after that for many hours. Especially in special education (paperwork paperwork paperwork)

I also failed to even mention in my original post that my husband has his own business and I do all the books/payroll/accounting for. We have 6 employees. Although when I talk about quitting, my husband says "I'll take over the books, don't quit!" Which if he did, that would be a huge relief for me, but it won't change that I am unhappy at my job....

My daughter loves her school and I know she would miss her friends terribly - and I couldn't and wouldn't send her back there (b/c it was where I had been working - just to reclarify, I work for the public school district but in an outreach community program IN a daycare - and my kids go there..)

This was all supposed to work out so nicely!!! I am just so upset it hasn't and am tired of being miserable.

Thanks for reading and offering advice - it means alot!!!!

[Radosti]

OK, I don't know much about depression. But from reading your post, you are, as we call it in animal rescue, burning out. As in... you know you are doing a world of good, but you are so tired of it that it is beginning to matter less and less. I've burned out myself several times. The sure antidote to that is a great big thank you from those you are helping. OK, so not from the kids for you or from the animals for me, but from the parents or adopters. But a thank you.... feeling appreciated is the best way to change your perspective from "man, this is killing me!" to "wow, I really am making a difference!"

Not sure if I'm explaining this correctly, but usually when I am completely down and out, a thank you e-mail from this or that adopter arrives in my inbox, or a thank you card with updated photos of the beloved pet arrives in the mail. Boosts my spirit like nothing else.

However, I am not sure that the parents of these kids are going to be grateful without you helping them change their perspective as well. They are tired and burned out as well, as they are dealing with a child with these behavior issues at home. So, think about what would boost your spirit and do that for the parents. Perhaps ask the kids what they are grateful for, then write down their responses over the period of a week or so. Then, have them decorate some construction paper and put their responses in the middle (like a card). Then, present the card to each set of parents.

I did that once with my Sunday Hebrew school class of mentally/physically challenged kids. The responses were difficult to pull out of the kids, but we used a reward system and finally succeeded. The responses ranged from "grateful for WWF (wrestling)" to "car rides". And one little boy with very severe mental and physical handicaps, out of the blue, said "I'm grateful for my mommy, she takes care of me and loves me, even though I can't play." It took a while to understand him and it wasn't quite that well strung together, but that's the meaning. The mom was in tears when she read her card. No one ever thanked her for all her hard work. She was sure to always tell us how grateful she was to have us care for him on Sundays so that she could have a break and he could interact with other kids and feel normal.

[oneplustwo]

I read your post before but didn't successfully log in until today to reply. You have a lot on your shoulders, and I wish that I had some magic words or advice to give you that would help solve everything. But I don't. So I will electronically send you a big <<hug>> and ask if one possible option lies in your last post. As an interim step could you try turning over the books to your husband? As you said, that would relieve some of the burden, and perhaps give you more time to focus on your therapy and treatment. If that didn't work then you could go back to considering giving up the job at school. I know you would miss the Dec./Jan. window for leaving work, but it's just a thought.

Oh, and no more mama guilt over DD leaving a school she likes! She might be sad at first, but she will be fine. If she misses her friends, get together for playdates. It's more important for DD that she has a healthy and happy mama, so focus on that -- you need to do what's right for you so that you can be there for your family.

[sdoyle]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having a tough time right now. I am also "stuck" in a job with a lot of turmoil in my life right now but really can't leave since I'm pregnant and due in June. What has really helped (even though it sounds a little pathetic) is coming up with set goals to get me through the right now.

For example, my parents are coming to visit next week so yesterday I told myself "only 5 more work days until my mom arrives" or the week I have a Dr's appt I know I get to leave work a couple hours early. Sometimes the view of "the rest of your life" can be so overwhelming that breaking it down can make things more manageable. Plan some things you love so you have something to look forward to.

I loved what the PP said about giving birth to guilt too! Your kids will get over whatever happens the most important thing is keeping your family happy. They are so much more resiliant than we give them credit for.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Stacy

[firsttimemommy]

Thanks again to all of you.

You know, it makes me sad that I feel this way about my job - I really do LOVE kids and WANT to be a positive, strong, guiding influence in their lives. And I really DONT want to leave them. But I can't fake liking the job. It's truly not for me. But then I think as a professional and as an adult I need to rise above that and give my all for the duration of the commitment I made. It's not the kids' fault I have made the "wrong" choice. But I know I'm not helping them if I'm miserable either. It's so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had thought about asking for a LOA - even just two or three weeks - and see if that helps me catch up on things and "get it together". I think 2-3 weeks won't make a real "dent" in their lives and isn't a significant enough time period to make the daycare or the district too miserable in having a sub. I mean I know my life won't go through a major transformation in a mere two weeks, but every little bit helps. If it could only just get me by until the end of the year.

As far as my husband and the books - he has agreed to take them over in January. Of course that means I have to get everything caught up by then, and I am very very VERY behind. But we have Christmas break coming up and so I am hopeful that time will help.

anyway, I am still conflicted, but I so appreciate all your help and advice. It is amazing how many "virtual" friends I have that have taken the time to read my VERY lengthy posts and really understand and try to help. This is the reason I have been on this board five years.

I think I will take the advice of a PP and not worry so much about making this decision in this end-of-semester time frame. I've composed my resignation letter (and recomposed and recomposed) and I just can't hit the "send" button and hate to pressure myself into a decision just to meet a deadline.

Radosti, yesterday I got an email from my boss kind of out of the blue saying "I just want you to know you are doing a fantastic job, you get an A+ in my book". I thought that was kind of funny. And sweet. Or maybe she is sensing my discomfort and is afraid I am going to leave her stranded with a hard-to-fill position! LOL!

One last thing that makes it a bit harder: I have always been interested in real estate. We have a close family friend that does very well in it and has been a cheerleader of sorts - she wants me to come do it and tells me all the time how good I would be. She is also very very honest about the job - she tells me the good and the bad, and she knows me very well (how I want my lifestyle to be etc) and she still continues to say she thinks I would absolutely love it. DH says to go for it if I want it....but he says he thinks I should stay teaching just to be safe. He says since I am part time teaching (off at 11:30 each day), I can "start" my RE biz and just see how it goes this spring and summer and then make a decision without giving up the "farm" to do it.

I know me though, I will really struggle with doing both. It would be like finally getting rid of my bookeeping job with our business and replacing it with something even more time consuming and stressful. That doesn't make any sense to me. My friend/mentor lady says that if we are in a position to survive on DHs salary alone for say 6 months, she thinks that it is best for me to start with RE only and go full force, but she also says it can be done part-time too if that is my only option.

I have actually gone and spent a couple of afternoons with her and I dont' know if it helped or hurt -the atmosphere and people in her particular office are so uplifting - it's positive and everyone is funny and it's just an enjoyable place to be. My mother in law actually just started working for her as her assistant and says she has never in her whole work life been excited to go to work on Mondays. I definitely did not feel ready to leave both times I was visiting!

But maybe that's also because it's so polar opposite from the atmosphere I come from!!!!!! Yesterday one of my students BIT another student's ear - took a nice little chunk out - we call her "mike" (as in tyson) now :P Today one student threw so many fits and had so many acts of aggression we had to use four ice packs in ONE day....again, I don't fault the kids, they can't help it, but man is this hard and no one I talked to before I took this job gave me any inclination I would literally be a referree, bouncer and bodyguard all year... (they weren't stupid! they wouldn't tell me the truth!!)

Thanks again

[bubbaray]

I haven't read all the responses, but my first thought was taking a LOA for illness. Do you have long term disability benefits through your employer that would allow you to take a medical leave? If so, I'd have a heart to heart with your physician and outline what is going on. Basically, take a stress leave.

Ultimately, you owe it to yourself to take care of YOU first. Then your family, then your job.

Hugs!

[elephantmeg]

wow, you are a fantastic person. The little bit that I work with kids like that (as a peds nurse) makes me want to kiss you! And I totally get where you are coming from. I feel that way sometimes too. I wish you peace as you figure out what decision to make. It looks like you've gotten some good advice, so nothing really to add.