I feel like a jerk -- does this seem over bearing?

[hillview]

So DS is 2.5 years old and I am trying to walk the line between keeping him in line and letting him be a kid. I am having a really hard time. I feel like I spend my time with him doing what I feel is good parenting (giving him choices, counting to 3, actions/consequences) and don't have a temper issue (most of the time!). But I feel like my hourly interactions involve giving him choices "you can sit in your big boy chair or the booster seat, ok you have til the count of 3 to get into your big boy chair or else you will go into the booster seat, 1, 2, etc". I have what I feel like are age appropriate expectations:
- sit at the dinner table -- no grazing -- but that said when you say you are done that is fine with me and I don't try to make him eat (he is a good eater most of the time so I don't worry about it)
- clean up what he is done playing with 25-50% of the time
- nothing that can hurt him or others or the house (but I let him wander around with a bucket on his head supervised; run around with a broom and dust bin etc)

Yet I feel like I am always on him about something and he is the best kid -- very gentle and while he doesn't always follow directions he is really sweet.

HELP -- thanks if you read this far.

Is this normal parenting or am I doing something wrong??
/hillary

[overcome]

I hope it is normal b/c what you described sounds like a day in my life. We use the naughty mat as a time out sort of deal and sometimes I wonder if I over use that.

I think what we are doing is on the right track for a couple reasons...

First, My dd is generally well behaved and sweet as well, but she is 2 and is figuring this stuff out so it is my responsiblity to teach her at this young age that you have choices and there are consequences for the choice you make. It just so happens their choices are simple like do you want to sit in your booster seat or your big seat.

Second, I feel like I am on the right track when I see what I do having an effect. Like when I say I am going to count to three and you need to be in the tub and before I even finish saying that she is on her way to the tub. She knows the boundaries. She also knows I will follow through and if she is not in the tub I will put her in the tub.

I would HIGHLY recommend John Rosemond's book, Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. He "tells it like it is" and has very sound advice and logic:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/083...4Z42Q20N2ABP3R

Actually, I find his philosophy/views on parenting excellent and am sure I will be reading more of his books as DD grows older.

GL!

[ThreeofUs]

Absolutely sounds just like us. I try very hard with DS to get him involved in doing the housework, working on the things we have to do, and playing and running and pretending.

But some days I feel like all I do is count 1-2-3, and we hit the timeout chair - used only for infractions of the "no harm to self or others" rule system - waaaayyyy too much. I feel like such a failure as a mother on those days, and have learned to try to see and negotiate around what else is going on. Like, is DS really tired or hungry or upset at something that he doesn't know how to express - or am I being unmindful of his needs.... Sometimes I can figure it out, sometimes I just get us both out of the situation with a dog walk or a drive to the nearest fun elevator.

DS is a fantastic child - responsible, lively, funny, bright - but he is still testing limits. So, sometimes, I think we just both get caught in his testing.

I agree with PP about my responsibility and the effect of setting and enforcing boundaries. I actually liked Karp's take on this, in his "Best Toddler on the Block" book. He really made me think hard about how I might be entering into DS's problems, and how I might instead be the guiding hand to lead DS through frustration into effectiveness.

I can see the effect of this on my relationship with DS, too. He trusts me, listens to me even when he's upset, and we are deeply attached. When we do have to use the timeout chair, he sits down, takes his deep breaths, and tells me the rule he broke.

We're neither of us perfect, but it sure feels like we're both trying hard for each other.

Sounds like that's what's going on with you, too. Good luck!

[StantonHyde]

If it makes you feel better, I still have to remind my 5 yo to say please and thank you to me. I think they need LOTS of repetition (except when it comes to hearing some phrase you don't want them to say--that, they can hear once and remember forever) Your expectations sound fine to me.

[KBecks]

The only thing I feel concerned about is how you feel about it. If you are uncomfortable maybe that's a sign to reevaluate.

Now, Alek is 3 and doesn't have many rules at all, and the house is a mess but I am happy with my parenting and I feel I'm doing pretty good but not perfect. We need more rules and we're getting there...... slowly.

If you feel you are riding him all the time then maybe take a look at what's most important and if there's anything you feel you could be more flexible about while still having your big goals met.

It's a real balancing act. I'd just be worried if you feel you aren't enjoying him because you are so busy with the discipline. Try to see if a little tweaking helps.

Good luck!

[Marisa6826]

No, from what you wrote, seems like you're doing a great job.

And it sounds just like our house. Except, I would say that the majority of the time, my constant is, "Leave the dogs alone, leave your sister alone, leave the dogs alone. Stop bothering the dogs. Why is your sister crying? Please lower your voice. Leave the dogs alone! Sophie, is that what you mean by leaving the dogs alone? Mia, stop pulling your sister's hair..." Oh, a good 80% of my day. *sigh*

Actually, when they're out in public, they're pretty good little kids. It's just at home, I guess they're just being, well, kids. Especially Mia. Who has personally ensured that my colourist will have biannual vacations for the rest of his natural life.

Just wait till he gets older (or has a sibling to fight with) and can protest more

BTW, can I borrow his bucket for myself?

hugs

-m

[emilys_mom]

This sounds a lot like our household. So glad to read this thread, as it gives me encouragement (and a new book to read!).

[C99]

If it makes you feel better, I still have to remind my 5 yo to say please and thank you to me. I think they need LOTS of repetition (except when it comes to hearing some phrase you don't want them to say--that, they can hear once and remember forever) Your expectations sound fine to me.

I am also constantly reminding my nearly 5-y/o to use please, thank you and ask in a polite/respectful tone of voice. I agree w/ this post entirely.

[TahliasMom]

I am also constantly reminding my nearly 5-y/o to use please, thank you and ask in a polite/respectful tone of voice. I agree w/ this post entirely.

mine is 3.5 and pretty much we have the same issues. manners are on and off, grazes for up to an hour per meal, blows up at times when she doesnt get her way, etc. dd needs constant reminders, quiet time and/or me counting to 5.