Why does the discussion of natural childbirth usually end in debate?

[etwahl]

Whenever the subject comes up that I am planning to have natural childbirth, it seems every woman within earshot has an opinion - usually women who have either had an epidural or is someday planning to have one.

By the end of the conversation, I feel like I've been on trial. I end up having to defend reasons why I want to do it, and when asked what research I have to support my choice, have it refuted. In some cases, I'm left with feelings of guilt, like some are mad at me. I feel like I never want to talk about it with anyone besides my husband ever again.

But I guess what bothers me most is that when the discussion of epidural comes up, the subject never goes any further than that -- which is the way it SHOULD be for natural childbirth as well!!

Maybe it's just my pregnancy hormones making me extra sensitive, but it just doesn't seem fair. I think it's great that women have a choice. Whether someone else has an epidural or not doesn't bother me, so why should it bother someone else?

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[gour0]

I know what you mean! I think that it is a touchy subject and women who are planning to have or have had an epidural feel a need to defend that. I think it's a guilt issue. Like your wanting not to have an epidural shows them up or something.... I totally believe natural is the healthiest for mother and baby. My cousin is an anaestheisiologist (wow! really poor spelling!) and when I told him I was looking for a doula, he said "I've got your doula, it's called a needle." So, try not to take it too personally. :) You know you're right. Try telling the next person that you don't want to get into it.

[etwahl]

It's really sad, because I don't think any woman should have to defend her decision, epidural or not. That's the great thing about choice, each person gets to make their own. I always thought that it was a rite of passage to be able to discuss everything with your girlfriends regarding birth. I guess I just never expected something like this to be such a controversial subject. I just wished that since I support their decision to have an epidural, they could support mine. Oh well.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[egoldber]

To be honest, I think that both "sides" on this issue feel defensive. As a woman who always planned to have an epidural, I faced my own share of well meaning (and not so well meaning) "but natural is so much better for you and your baby, why would you ever want to do that...." And then when I ended up having a C section, talk about having to defend yourself! I got the pitying looks and people saying "I'm so sorry..."! I soemtimes feel like a freak for having a C section and thinking it really wasn't that bad!

I agree it is very sad that people just can't be supportive of each others choices. Having a baby and raising a child is difficult enough without having to feel like you need to defend yourself. But, that is kind of the way it is with parenting. If you make a choice different from someone else, then some people, who are not secure in their choices, will try to persuade you to their choice. Or it could also be that people made a choice and secretly regret it.

But to give people some degree of credit, in the case of natural childbirth, it could be that people think they are trying to be helpful by "warning" you about how difficult labor may be for you. The reality is a lot more women walk into L&D intending to do natural childbirth than actually come out the other side having done so. This is really not very helpful advice, and in retrospect, I realize I have probably done this myself on occasion and will be a bit more conscious in the future that this advice is probably not at all welcome!

[gour0]

I see what you mean. I guess when it comes to birth and babies, people have very strong opinions. I know I'm scared to death of having a c-section. I'm really looking forward to doing this myself so I guess I cringe when I think about risking out of the birthing center and having to transfer to the hospital.

[Rachels]

Research is your friend!!! The more familiar you become with the literature, the less you'll care what anybody thinks. I got plenty of flack, too, but by the time I was pregnant, it just rolled off. I was very confident in what I knew and what the research showed, so the opinions of people who hadn't done that level of reading just couldn't swing that weight. Also, support is critical. Talk to your midwife, your doula, other women who have chosen this route. Email me as often as you'd like. If you surround yourself with advocates, you'll be more likely to have a natural birth-- or to know if a c-section is truly necessary. And I agree with Beth, there aren't tons of natural births in American hospitals. Hospitals for the most part just aren't set up that way, practically or philosophically. If you want a natural birth in a hospital, try to find a way to have a midwife and doula. It will vastly increase your chances of natural birth.

FYI, I'm reading a wonderful new book called *Giving Birth* by Catherine Taylor. Lots of birth stories (all midwife-attended), good research, reads like a good novel rather than a resource book.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[mama2be]

Tammy,

You're not being too sensitive if folks are actually asking you "what research do you have to back up your decision"...someone who asks that sounds like they have a chip on their shoulder...I mean that is an odd question.

I do believe a lot of people are sensitive to some questions etc... when the person commenting doesn't mean to be questioning desrespectfully. (we were on the same thread about his before :))

I for one am PLANNING a natural child birth, I'm not walking into a hospital with that plan, I am going to a birthing center where only midwives are in attendance, so chances are high I will have one, and I am doing everything I can up front to make that happen by making that decision (birth center). BUT I will not shed a tear if I end up at a hospital, with a c-section or even in an ICU with all technology plugged up. I trust the birthing center.

I am very careful when I tell people that I plan this to not be too opinionated on it, or too self righteous about it. I say it exactly how I did, "I am planning (knock on wood) to have a natural child birth. I personally just imagine it that way". BUt I have lurked the unmed board at parents place and feel some of those ladies are the opinionated ones against med births, and it disqust me. I agree with what you said, respect a women's right to choose. there will be bigger decisions in our lives and choices in our lives than this.

My best friend jokes and laughs and says, "Neve if I could have rolled into L&D butt first, up in the air so the epidural would have come quicker I would have"...that comment doesn't effect me in the least bit. She does say, "it hurts...hats off to you".

I say politely nip these folks in the bud, but make certain that when you tell them of your intentions that it is not a "holier than thou" approach, I think that is where problems start. (though from what you've said you seem very respectful of people's choices so I doubt that is the culprit at all).

If women could support eachother more I swear we would all rule the world...it is our downside, we all have so much strength to give eachother but hardly ever do.

I'm rambling...but hold your head up high and know that you are doing the right thing for you!!! And feel free to tell folks how you feel when they make you question it.

[muskiesusan]

I know what you are going through. I had the same problem with people around me when I was planning my delivery, they just didn't understand why I wanted to go natural with a midwife and a doula instead of an ob like they did. I never critized how they delivered, I just would explain that it was something I wanted to do. I didn't appreciated the "I told you so" looks and comments when I ended up having a c-section. I guess it prepared me for the breast/bottle debate and all the other child rearing opinions that people feel the need to enlighten you with (not sure why strangers at the mall felt the need to ask me when I will stop breastfeeding...).

Susan

[etwahl]

I think it was especially bad, because this recently happened at a Christmas party my husband and I were throwing. I kept trying to move onto another subject, but that unfortunately proved to be difficult. I actually don't really provide much information, other than "This is what I want to do..." I don't give reasons why. I really do try to respect anyone else's decision, which is why I don't give our any reasons or details...or any of my research.

But I think you're right. The bottom line is I'm doing what's right for me, and that's all that matters!

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[dd_ani]

Tammy,

Well, I must come at this from the other side of things, because it seemed that I was always having to defend why an epidural wouldn't be the worst decision I could ever make for my baby. The important thing is that you have done some research and have decided what is best for YOU. Usually, "I have discussed it with my OB and we feel that this is best for me and my baby" helps to end the conversation, unless it is the guy bagging your groceries who had a neighbor whose wife had 11 kids and she.... (you get the idea :))

The only advice I can offer beyond that is keep an open mind and do go with what your OB says while you are in labor. In my case, I was glad I had an epidural because it prevented an emergency C-section, but someone else might have another story about why they were glad not to have had one.

People are downright nosey when you are pregnant. And just wait until they start to ask you about breastfeeding :)

Good luck and hang in there. Things will go great and be a big happy blur no matter if you have an epidural or not!

Michelle