Why does the discussion of natural childbirth usually end in debate?

[egoldber]

I have ceased to be surprised at the incredible rudeness of complete strangers who feel compelled to comment on my child. I was in Nordstrom's last week and was in the elevator with Sarah in her stroller. Sarah was sucking her thumb (as usual). This complete stranger said to me "She'd be a beautiful child, if she'd take that thumb out of her mouth". I was dumbfounded. Can you even IMAGINE saying that to someone?????? What possesses some people?

[mama2be]

Tammy if you nip one person in the bud with a comment I guarentee word will spread and others will watch what they say :) I'm pretty strong willed and speak with confidence when I dscuss this. I have been fortunate that I have not dealt (yet) with many people, but I guess they know I'll have the last word if it pertains to definding my actions.

I just returned from a neighborhood gambling game with 16 gals ($5 bets once a month)...dice game called BUNCO. A lot of the gals are older, my moms age, and I was amazed at the actual support from these older gals about the birth center and that I am not breast feeding. It ends up a lot of them didn't breast feed, and I think that generation is thrilled for us having options. I mean I doubt the majority of these women had their husbands in the room let alone in the hospital. My father was not even in the hospital for either of our births. It had nothing to do with quality of their marriage, they're still togther (I think on 45 years) and going strong...it was the times...

[newbelly2002]

You also might want to find out your Dr's philosophy as well as the leanings of the hospital.

Where I delivered was known for it's more "alternative" philosophy. The L&D nurse asked me, as soon as I entered, what I wanted and said that she would help me to that end--where possible. In fact the day after delivery my Dr. walked in with a smile and said: "You know that your delivery was the type epidurals were made for." And when I asked him why he didn't' suggest it, he said: "You said you didn't want it." It's important to surround yourself with people who know what you want, but it's even more important that you remain open-minded yourself ready for whatever the body and nature decide to throw your way.

In the end it is your decision.
Paula

[bnme]

I too am going to try and avoid an epidural (well, for as long as I can). To avoid getting into a debate I usually tell people I am considering and researching all options - I guess I'll decide then. Which in reality is the truth. You should be prepared for different situations becuase you never know what is going to happen. I know several people recently who planned an epidurl and then freaked out that they couldn't have one ("too late" or low blood pressure, etc).

I also read "Giving Birth" and I wished I had read it earlier. I really didn't do enough research on my doctors before getting pregnant. I knew I liked them (as a Gyn) and that they are a very reputable practice in the area. But I guess I was under a false impression that they were more 'with the times' on birthing issues. A lot of the books and magazine articles I read early on made it seem that so many doctors and hospitals were moving toward being more supportive of womans needs in labor (being able to walk around, etc) and I guess I assumed my doctors were that way. They seem too pushy on the epidural. I fear I will end up with one before I am really "ready" (they will "persuade me"). Now I just can't wait to pop this baby out! I am so surprised at how things have turned out - not that they are bad - just not at all what I expected. I want to give birth in a hospital becuase I feel more comfortable in case an emergancy should come up, but next time around I will definatly try and find a doctor or midwife (in-hospital) that is more in-line with my views...

Think I went off the topic there.......

[jojo2324]

I have to agree with the poster that says it cuts both ways. I received the most criticism about the possibility of an epidural from my stepmother. She delivered three children with no pain medication (and with the first one they administered pitocin). She kept telling me that over and over throughout my pregnancy and it really got to me. Sure, I would have loved a natural childbirth. But I wasn't going to make myself miserable! I went into L&D with the idea that I would hold out as long as possible without drugs, and I did. But my SM was there the whole time and completely supported me when I got two (!) epidurals. They enabled me to be slightly lucid. (Slightly being the operative word...20 hours with no food will do that to you!) I remember reading somewhere here (I think KathyO?) about how you never hear of the man who walks into the ER with a broken arm and refuses pain medication because he wants to experience it. :P Men are so lucky...

All that being said, I was very unhappy with my birth experience. Throw in disgruntled nursing staff, a horrendous heat wave and an obscene amount of woman giving birth at once and you get the idea. I am not proud of my two epidurals, but I know it was what I needed to do to get through it. I am hopeful that with #2 my experience will be much different.

And Beth, I would have been sorely tempted to tell that person in the elevator to stick a certain appendage up a certain bodily "route." I can't believe how rude people can be!

[Melanie]

I got the same flack. It was as if people felt I wanted to harm my child by not having it in a hospital. They thought we were total nut cases. My response was "Women had been having babies for thousands of years before some man wrote a book about it!" Then, of course, when we ended up in the hospital, epidural, whole nine yards, they were smug. A friend actually asked excitedly, "Did you have drugs!?!" And when we told her yes, she was like "GOOD GIRL!" I think most were just supportive & me hormonal, but a few who planned the opposite births were glad to see my failure at a natural. I think they felt it cemented their plans to go straight for the drugs.

It's SUCH a personal thing (breastfeeding, too), but somehow people are just so insensitive. As of now, with Ds being 1 year, people have stayed the heck away from the breastfeeding issue with me. But you'd better believe I have an arsenal full of responses for the first person who asks "How long are you going to keep breastfeeding?"

Mommy to Jonah

[mamahill]

I think you can tell that all of us, as mothers, feel the need to defend what we did and how it happened. I had the opposite experience as Joanne - my mom had 6 kids, 5 "naturally." And she told me all along that if I opted for an epidural it would not make me any less of a mother. I agree with whoever said that some women may be trying to prepare you. I had a week of false labor leading up to the actual labor and although it is rare, my body was so tired that after laboring for 6 hours straight with contractions coming every 2-3 minutes an lasting 60-90 seconds I only dilated to a 1. Talk about discouraging. Here I thought I was envisioning palm trees just like they said! After some medical intervention I got "stuck" again at 9 and was no longer allowed to walk/stand because of postural hypertension and the words "c-section" began to be discussed. I was trying so hard to go naturally and I finally collapsed in sobs when I asked for the epidural papers. The nurse, who I believe is an angel, assured me that the epidural would allow me to sleep (something I had had very little of that week - maybe 3-4 hours each night) and my body to relax and allow the cervix to open. She was right.

Everyone's labor is different. I think the important thing to remember that no matter how he/she comes out, it is a miracle. We should marvel that our bodies do this and that we are blessed in this day and age with medical help to save those babies who would otherwise be lost or harmed. Some people are just nosy and rude and whether it's about your labor or someone's (adorable!) girl sucking her thumb, they obviously have some of their own confidence issues if they feel the need to point out (what they perceive) to be other's shortcomings.

Good luck to you - and good luck to us all!

[mamahill]

and look at that, I felt I had to defend myself! I should have just said I intended to go naturally, but complications led to the epidural. And when it comes time to have another go, I can say without hesitation that if I have back labor again, I will DEFINITELY ask for the epidural. Just my feelings...

[etwahl]

Thanks to everyone for their responses! I now understand that no matter what a person does (or plans to do -- we all know our plans don't always work out that way!), someone won't like it. And that's OKAY! I actually think reading everyone else's responses helps me to feel that no matter what the topic (drugs, breastfeeding, thumb sucking) it doesn't matter what someone else says.

I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences. I really do think I was being very hormonal the day I wrote this! I guess that's what pregnancy does to you, so I can use that excuse :) But it's also good because I know there will be many other situations where others don't agree with things we do as parents (strangers, family, friends) but since it's not their kids, I guess it doesn't much matter.

Re the stranger commenting on the thumb sucking -- how ridiculously inappropriate, unfortunately I could just picture my own mother making a comment like that to me down the road!!! Ah, the joys of parenting.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[KathyO]

>I
>remember reading somewhere here (I think KathyO?) about how
>you never hear of the man who walks into the ER with a
>broken arm and refuses pain medication because he wants to
>experience it. :P Men are so lucky...

I'd love to take credit for that one, but it wasn't me. This whole phenomenon of people (friends, relatives and total strangers) telling you what birth is going to be like, and how you SHOULD respond to it, just seems so ridiculous. EVERYONE experiences sensations differently... add to that the fact that EVERY birth proceeds differently... add to that the fact that things can change quickly if the health of mom or baby comes into risk. With all those variables, how can anyone presume to know what someone else's labour will, or should, be like????

I also can't understand how a private, personal choice in regards to pain medication, labour location, practitioner, etc. gets interpreted into some kind of political position, which people then feel free to take issue with...

Grumblemumblemumble...

KathyO