Well today has been a horrible day for me. We just found out that DH is leaving for Iraq Jan 17. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out. All of our birth plans, hypnobirthing, etc. has gone out the window, and I just feel so devastated that he is going to miss one of the most important things that will ever happen to us. If I weren't pregnant, this would be hard, but not this difficult.

One of the things that hurts the most is that we've already gone through two very long six plus month deployments (in our less than 3.5 years of marriage), and that was supposed to be the end of it, which is why we got pregnant when we did. We got pregnant four days after he returned from what was supposed to be his last deployment. We've always planned to do this together, and now everything has changed in the blink of an eye.

I just feel so devastated and can't believe this is happening, but know that within a matter of weeks he will be gone. It's hard, because he doesn't know what he'll be doing, doesn't know how long he'll be gone, and doesn't even know what kind of communcations will be able to have with each other. In previous deployments, not during times of war, phone calls were VERY few and far between, and email was our only communication. Unfortunately sometimes that too goes down, especially for security reasons.

I guess I just needed to vent my sadness to a group who I knew would be supportive. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know there are others out there who are worse off than I am. I'm just sadder than I've been in a very long time. In my heart, I know he will come home safely to me. It's just hard for me to consider doing all this on my own, without my best friend in the world. I have great friends, but it's just not the same. I wanted him to be my birth coach, and I wanted him to be there afterwards to take care of our new baby. It just doesn't seem as special any longer.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!