GRRR ARGGG Adoption Nightmare!!!!

[SeekerMage]

Fricken Fracken no good miserable biological parent!!!!!
Sheesh...I need to vent or Im gonna explode...Im sooo tired of this never ending roller coaster ride...will it never end?

Long story...and sheesh its a doozy...we have our three year old daughter by legal guardianship through the state....she is our second cousin on my husbands side...and we have had her since just after her second birthday when her mom more or less abandoned her...the state got involved...and so did we and basically we were handed her for guardianship...partly with the mother contesting but it was either sign her over or she goes to the state...so she agreed finally.
Any how....the father has already agreed to hand her over to us for adoption...always has because he feels that we are good for her and as long as he has some contact
he is happy...all well and good.
The mother on the other hand....just so you know both parents have mentalitys of about junior high level....is a constant roller coaster...one minute she is ready to hand her over...the next she thinks she is getting her back....and its been like this off and on for a year!.....well recently she got married...sheesh thats a whole other story...and she stated that she wanted to hand her over to us because it wasnt fair that her new hubby should have to raise another mans kid.....and she stated this a few times...seemed like she was finally gonna hand her over ....well we contacted a lawyer...set up a meeting and low and behold she doesnt show...even though she said she would!!!!!!!
Soooo we give her a call to find out why she wasnt there...she mumbled some excuse and went on to say that she was probably pregnant...sheesh that poor kid if she is....and that she wanted DD back....either now by temporary custody...when she was five or six...or she would totally hand her over to us only if she got to see her more often! As it is we have bi weekly visits with both parents...mom one week dad the next....these are hard enough as it is with our busy schedule not to mention its kinda hard on DD! And the fact that legally we dont have to let her see them at all, we are only doing it to be nice, let her know her family etc. But she just doesnt understand this because she doesnt work and has all the time in the world. Did I mention she was like a little teeny bopper who lives the life of a kid? Movies, going out, talking trash etc? She keeps saying she was lied to that she should be able to see her when ever she wants...yet she doesnt realize how good she has it because of DD was in foster care she would have none if any visitations! ARG!

Sooo basically now Im beside myself...we have all the papers signed and can file them at any time...but if we do then our guardianship is almost void and it will be easier for her to get ahold of DD....not that a judge will hand her over...but its still a possiblity as she is the natural parent. We are ready to fight and we told her so, and if we have to we will just wait a few more years for the adoption (especially since its really just a name change...but then she is really ours if you know what I mean...now its kinda like she is a loaner and we feel we have to walk on egg shells over the littlest things!)but sheesh! With a new baby on the way we hoped to finally make everything permanent...complete the family finally....high hopes and all! Its just really frustrating...I dont know how much more of this roller coaster I can take! It goes on like this all the time....If you knew more of the situation you wouldnt believe it...heck I should write a book but everyone would think its fiction!...did I mention she was on the street for a while...was shot at, the gun jammed so she was beaten with it instead (and she thinks this was cool and nothing to be concerned about!!!!) on top of the fact that she has no job, and her hubby will be out of work in a few weeks/months and plans to live on the severance with no concern of getting another job...and she thinks she is pregnant (if not she is trying and she has only been married a few weeks) and capable of taking care of a three year old when she herself doesnt bathe on a regular basis!! I wont even get into DD babyhood and how she supposedly ate a whole big mac and fries,when she was only six months old if that because she went straight to fast food and skipped baby food all together, or the fact that she was in the car while mom was drag racing and out till all hours of the night!

OK OK IM done ranting now! I could go on for hours...and I already have and barely touched the surface. I shouldnt complain too much,,,we have DD legally and she is happy and healthy and the light of our lives. I just hate the thought of she not really "really" being ours with the possiblity that one day she can be taken away. Especailly with the hope of her adoption finally goign through...its just a little tough. My hormones are obviouslly acting up and just that fact that the mom couldnt show up to the lawyer to tell us any of this face to face really aggrivates me...guess I wanted a fight and didnt get the chance is all!
thanks for letting me rant...I needed it otherwise im gonna start crying! :( I hope things settle one of these days...

[kathsmom]

Kathryn,

My heart aches for you, your DH and your DD. I know nothing about legal stuff with adoptions, but why can't the judge just go ahead and terminate her parental rights and let you have her? I mean, does he and child welfare know about her being shot at/beaten, no bathing, the Big Mac incident, etc?

It's amazing to me what good, decent people have to go through to "prove" themselves worthy to be good parents in the eyes of the court and child welfare, when people like this just go out and do all sorts of crazy, stupid stuff and they still have the chance to get their child back.

Why would you signing papers to have her legally adopted void your guardianship? Is it some kind of legality? As I stated earlier, I know nothing about the legal stuff involved with adoption.

When I worked in home health services, I was mortified at the parenting skills some of these moms had. I worked with birth-3 year old children in home health doing speech therapy. One mom would never have her child awake and ready for therapy (I usually arrived at 10:00 am). Another mom would give her kids cheetos and soda for breakfast. There was one mom that I recommended for termination of parental rights after I (and all of the other child's therapists) expressed concerns for her safety with her natural mother to social services.

I hope that things work out soon for you, but most importantly for your DD. It can't be easy on her and she is so young! Take care and keep us posted on what happens.

[ginalc]

Oh Kathryn, how awful!!!

I've been through a custodial mess with my ex-husband and it too, was a nightmare. It was a very sad and difficult time for me.

The best advice I got when dealing with this whole mess is JOURNAL EVERYTHING! Keep track of every phone call from the parent, every conversation, every arrest, every violation, everything you've done to maintain contact, meeting times, failure to show, etc. That has been my saving grace when dealing with court appearances and lawyers.

I am so sorry that you have to go through a similar nightmare. I know how awful it is to wake in the morning day after day with that same knot in your stomach that you'd hoped would disappear overnight.

I got through our "no shows" by waiting/allowing 15 minutes past our meeting time. If he didn't show, I would continue on with "plan B" and go about my day. Limiting my time to wait empowered me to move on with my life. Limiting phone calls to twice weekly helped, too.

It is worth it in the long run. I remember thinking "gosh, if this doesn't kill me, I'm at least learning to stand up for what's RIGHT!"

Good Luck, kiddo. (((Big Hugs to you!!!))) Angela is lucky to have you as her Mommy and advocate! And, you have a beautiful new baby to prepare for as well! :)

gina, mom to 3

BTW, I remarried after finding a wonderful, caring man. We have 2 children together and I frequently pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I would say that right now, my life is (finally) darn good!

[pritchettzoo]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I can't imagine the stress.

I just wanted to make sure you followed up on meeting with an attorney. Please do--call around and find a good one! If you don't like the first one you meet with, keep going. There may be more legal options than you know that could ease your stress and most importantly, make the child's life stable.

Good luck!

[SeekerMage]

We did meet with the attorney last night...even though she wasnt there. I think that is the one thing that did keep my sanity since he really knew what he was talking about and the fact that he said he would do whatever it took to fight for us. We mentioned that we didnt want to have to use her past against her and he right away said tough....I will use whatever it takes to win this case for you. Which was a relief that we have someone willing to go the distance.
He was also the one that said that if we file papers and she contests that it will be hard because of the strangeness of the laws...in other words if we file papers we are giving up our guardianship rights....dont know why it works that way since we are filing to get her permantly...but who knows!

I wish it were as simple as to terminate her rights, but unfortunatly she has never physically harmed Angela, that we know of, she just didnt us a lot of common sense. Atleast we have the fact that she has a DCFS file that we can probably get a hold of as they are aware of all the things she did in the past. If she is pregnant and she does have a child I know I intend to keep a close eye on that relationship and wont hesitate to call DCFS on her. If Im not mistaken her case worker was saying that if she did have another child in the future they might do checkups on her. I hope so for the childs sake.

The only saving grace that I see we have in all of this is that the mother is the only one that thinks she can take care of Angela. Both grandparents, and the father want her to be in our care for if she does contest atleast we have a lot of back up. YEAh!

For all of you that may ever be in this situation, basically use what resources you can. Thanks for the advice on journalling everything. We always said that we were going to and we never have...Im kicking myself now! Thanks for the support in this. I talked with someone last night and all they said were what about the mothers rights! I know how hard it is to loose a child, but at the same time what about the childs rights?
Thanks to everyone for the support. It really helps. I know this is not going to be an easy battle and I dread to think what would happen if it was. We dont put it past her to try and take Angela and I just pray that it never comes to anything like that. Its good to know I have a place to go to vent to get some support...I will definitly let you know what happens in the sometimes weekly saga of our lives!
:) :) :) :) :) :)

[lukkykatt]

Hi,

I am SO sorry that you are going through this, but it is really wonderful for Angela that she has you in her life, fighting for her.

I have been a volunteer for the past 4 or 5 years, with an ogranization called CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates). You can see their website at: www.nationalcasa.org The volunteers act as advocates for children, who are going through the court system in cases such as yours. The advocate's role is to talk to everyone involved in the case and make a recommendation to the court as to what is in the best interest of the child. The volunteer can also be a shoulder for you to lean on as you are making your way through the court maze. If there is a social worker involved in Angela's case, you may want to ask about having a CASA assigned.

I am curious what your attorney thought about continued visitation between the birth mother and Angela? Also, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about how a CASA could possibly be an advocate for Angela.

I do wish you the best of luck! I know it is so hard to go through this, and will be thinking about your family and hoping for a positive outcome. Please keep us updated.

[emilyf]

Andrea, I saw your link to the CASA website and that looks like something I might be very interested in. I will be away for the next training session in my area, but it looks like there is another one in August that I may try to attend. There was a very tragic case here in Baltimore recently involving a court appointed guardian that has been very upsetting for me recently. Would you mind if I emailed you to get some more info?
Emily
mom of Charlie born 11/02

[lukkykatt]

Feel free to email me! I'll help you with anything I can.

[ddmarsh]

CASA is a wonderful organization but its volunteers are only involved in abuse/neglect cases. In custody cases many jurisdictions utilize attorney guardian ad litems to represent the child. In some instances you can request one and in many the court appoints one.

Debbie
Mommy to 3 DS's, 1 DD