Am I an awful, horrible person...

[farsk]

or just a good old-fashioned bitch?!?

Hello everyone!

I come again seeking advice. First, a little background.

I have a cousin "Meg", who is in her early thirties, divorced, about to be remarried, and desparate for a child. About a year ago, my cousin and his wife announced that they were expecting and her reply was, "I wanted to have the first great-grandchild!" At Christmas, my husband and I told family that we were expecting, and before we arrived at my grandmother's house for Christmas dinner, my mom told "Meg" that I was pregnant. Her reply...."That's not fair." She didn't look at me or say congratulations or go to hell or anything.

I invited her to a shower, to which she did not attend or send acknowledgements. I sent a birth announcement to her, to which she did not send her acknowledgements. No card, no phone call, no gift (I should mention that she is financially able to send at least a card..really much more.)

So now I'm invited to a bridal shower for Meg. The gracious part of me knows that I should do her better than she's done me and send a gift. The bitch in me knows that she hasn't acknowledged Ellen in any way and I'll be damned if I do anything for her until she does.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thanks!
-Shannon
Mom to Ellen
7/23/2003

[Momof3Labs]

Honestly, as someone who has gone through infertility, it sounds like Meg is struggling with her feelings about not having (or being able to have?) a child. Pregnancy announcements, baby showers, baby announcements, they all just add salt to an already very deep wound, even if the new mom is someone that you would normally be very happy for.

Have you tried reaching out to her, and finding out how she feels and what you can do to support her as she tries to conceive?

If this isn't infertility related (you might not know until you talk to her), then maybe she is just being a b*tch. I would suggest that you still send a gift (but maybe go shopping in your basement - surely you have a brand new, re-giftable something that you got for your wedding and hated/never used - you can at least get a little satisfaction knowing that she won't love your gift!). Oops, sorry, now I'm being a little b*tchy! }>

[candybomiller]

Be the bigger person. At least send her a "congrats for finding someone to put up with you" card.

:)
Candy

[mom2kandj]

hehehehehehe! :)

Rose
mom 2 Katie (32 months)
& Jack (16 months)

[COElizabeth]

Lori may be right that she is struggling with infertility, and if so it would be kind to overlook her lack of response to your new arrival. If she is just being a brat, I would be annoyed, too, but I think I would go ahead and send a gift (maybe not as nice a gift as I would otherwise, but still a gift). Yes, it's the gracious thing to do, but it's also somewhat satisfying to think that you might make her feel guilty. If you don't give a gift, you're just showing you're willing to act like a spoiled child, too.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[mamahill]

Call me twisted, but I love to be the bigger person (which, I guess, makes me even worse...). Send a gift - nothing huge, but not something that she'll take as a slight. I call it good gift karma. Then, if she decides to apologize or something later on, you can graciously forgive, rather than admit you were wrong as well!

[egoldber]

I agree with Lori and Elizabeth. You never know when someone is struggling with infertility or has perhaps suffered a miscarriage or loss that they never shared, even with family. She may just be being a b*tch, but you never know. I would send a gift, but certainly wouldn't go overboard.

HTH,

[Melanie]

Me, too! Plus, it tends to make the other person feel worse...hehehe.

I would NOT go, but I would send a card or a SMALL gift of acknowledgement.

[toomanystrollers]

Shannon,
Call me old-fashion, but shouldn't she wait until she's remarried before bitching about not having children?

My best friend from HS and I went throught something similar. We were both each other's maid/matron of honor, blah,blah,blah, but I got pregnant first after she had been trying for several years. She was all excited to throw my baby shower but unfortunately she found out that she would never be able to concieve during my time of excitement. She had a very rough time. She never threw the shower or even called me to tell me so. We didn't talk for sometime despite my gentle persistance.
Fortunately, she and her dh were able to adopt last year and she has emerged as the best friend I missed for so long.

IMO, if she's just being bitchy, keep your money and stay home! It's one thing for her not to send you a gift, but too not even acknowledge her!!

Good luck
-Pam

[pritchettzoo]

Well, here's a bitchy compromise with a background story: I worked in a small, family-owned jewelry store with a large gift/wedding department. We had been getting lots of calls for one girl in town who was getting married, but she wasn't registered with us. I called her and left a message saying people want to buy you gifts; would you like to register so they will know what to get you? She called back and cussed me up and down, saying that if she had wanted to register at my store, she would have, and we should refer the people to our biggest competition! So whenever someone would call to buy a gift for her, we would suggest a lovely silverplated serving piece engraved with her new initials. So the (mostly) little old ladies LOVED this suggestion and would get a $15 spoon and engrave her new initials on the handle. We collected a pile of these, all nicely wrapped with the ladies' engraved cards inside, and called her to let her know she had gifts waiting. She pitched a fit when she couldn't return any of them as they were ENGRAVED WITH HER INITIALS. And we would do something similar whenever a bride was a bitch to any of us!

So, in summary, get her something ugly and engrave her initials on it. She won't be able to return it, yet you have fulfilled your gift-giving obligation and been the "bigger person."

Anna
#1(DD) EDD 9/10/03