Grandma and me swim lessons

[bunnisa]

Wow! You certainly have a difficult situation here! Unfortunately, the only way things will ever get better is if you deal with her directly and establish clear boundaries.

I think you absolutely MUST have a conversation with her one-on-one. Start by telling her how important she is to you, and how you truly desire that she has a wonderful relationship with your DD. This part is critical... you want her to be reassured that you're not trying to keep your DD from her, since it sounds like she's (irrationally) afraid of that. For some reason, it seems like grandchildren bring out a lot of insecurities.

Explain that you had really looked forward to this special time alone with your daughter (but keep it brief, you don't want to guilt-trip her). Then, ask her why she did not respect your wishes.

Put the weight on her to explain her actions, not on you to defend yours. She really can't wiggle out of it when you put the ball in her court this way. Don't let her try to manipulate you by pretending it was a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings do happen, but you had made your wishes very clear to her. Absolutely stick to your guns on this fact! Repeat, as many times as necessary, "But I clearly told you that I wanted this time alone with DD." Stick to the facts and do your best to remain calm and assured.

***Try to keep in mind that her actions are of someone who is fearful and insecure, and it might help you deal with her. She might be more fragile than she lets on.***

Depending on your relationship with her, and the way the conversation goes, you may want to let her know that in doing this, it made you feel like she does not respect YOU. But that might be a conversation for a different day. Also, depending on how strong-willed she is, you may need to get her to agree that she will not show up at events unless she is specifically invited.

As others have said, I would end the conversation with some other options for her -- a class she can attend with your daughter, or a regular play date. Do your research ahead of time so that you have a list of solid options. You want her to be a part of your DD's life, but it has to be on YOUR terms. She can't bully her way into it.

As AWFUL as you may feel about having this conversation, you have to do it. Otherwise things will only get worse. You will feel so much better afterwards, even if she is miffed. But if you speak with her respectfully one-on-one, then you've done your part and the responsibility now lies with her to change her ways.

I think it's really important that you do this as soon as possible, before your emotions have had time to fester and you're even angrier. It's so much more effective when you can be calm and collected. Get it out of the way now, and hopefully you'll have to deal with it much less in the future.

Hope that's helpful (can you tell I've dealt with this?)

Bethany

It's a Boy!
William Eric (Wilkes) born 6/16/03

[kathsmom]

I am so sorry that you are going through this! Maybe you could check with the facility where you are taking the swim lessons and see what their policy is on who is in the water with your DD. They may require the parent/legal guardian or the person whose name is actually on the sign up sheet. They might have some type of rule or regulation in place on who takes the lessons with your DD for insurance/liability purposes in the event of an accident. When my DD took swimming lessons last summer, I had to be on the premises. I could not leave at all, even though there were several lifeguards there. This was in case something happened to her (my DD was 6 at the time).

Or maybe you could explain to your MIL that since you will be the one taking her swimming most of the time, your DD needs to have the comfort and security level in the water with you first, and then with other family members as she progresses. Maybe you could offer to drop your DD off with her after swim lessons for some "grandma time". They could have snacks/lunch, play, etc.

I really don't have any MIL experience, because my MIL died 2 months before our wedding. I certainly wish you the best in this situation. Please keep us posted on what happens! Good luck and take care!

[momathome]

Oh, my goodness, I feel for you. I also have a passive-agressive MIL who makes me insane. When Liza was 3, she took her to the circus. A few days late, she called to say that another circus was coming to town next week, could she take Liza to that, too? DH and I talked it over and decided to say no - we explained that while we appreciated her offer, we thought one circus was more than enough - we did not want Liza to think that the circus was a weekly thing. MIL said, quite dissappointedly, okay, she understood. A few days later, she called to ask if she could keep Liza overnight on my birthday. I reluctantly agreed - Liza had never stayed there before. On my birthday, I took Liza over to MIL's house and the first thing she said to Liza when we walked through the door was "Guess where we are going tonight, Liza? We're going to the circus!" I was never so mad in my life! Of course, she put me in a position where I couldn't say no - Liza was all excited, there was no way I was going to be the bad guy here, which I am sure is what she was counting on! The best advice I can give you - be direct, VERY VERY direct. Do not beat around the bush, do not try to spare her feelings, do not leave her an opening to do her own thing. You are the mother here, you call the shots. Arrange time for dd to be with MIL when it is convenient for YOU, not the other way around. Good luck - I feel for you!
-Lauren

[amp]

Sorry I can't offer much help. If I knew how to help you, perhaps I could help myself. Just rest assured that you are not alone in dealing with MILs from H*ll. x( Just wanted to commiserate with you....

[redhookmom]

Thank you all for such thoughtful and thought provoking responses.

My dd first birthday is tomorrow and I was really dreading the family
dinner. Now I am looking forward to it, thanks to all of your support.

I will have a talk with her, I will find out about caller ID, I will not let MIL have this kind of control in my life.

Thank again for your great responses, I have printed the thread and I feel like it could change our relationship. And to think I felt very guilty after posting my whine yesterday!

Jessica

[blnony]

Good for you!! I swear, sometimes in-laws think you are only there for you to serve them!! I think you have the right idea. Talk with her and let her take it as she may, it will be better than constantly battling with her.
My in-laws also play the, well the other grandma got to do XYZ, so why can't we? It makes for a hectic and irritating life with kids.
And most of all...enjoy you're baby's 1st birthday!!! Don't let her ruin it for you, no matter what. :)

[Melanie]

I would be FURIOUS! Your MIL is totally OUT OF LINE. You told her you wanted to take your daughter and she had the gall to show up like that? NO No NO is the answer.

How small of a town do you live in that she knows when you sign up for swim lessons? LOL!

Anyway, just say NO, or switch your class time and still say NO. There are many other things a grandmother can do with her grandbaby that don't take away your fun.

[Melanie]

Honestly, I can't believe the MILs some of you have! You're making me feel very lucky here.