In need of moral support re: In-Laws (very very long)

[bunnisa]

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest!

First, a little background. DH and I live in MI, and DH's Mom & Stepdad are in TX, and his Brother & SIL are in AR. 2 1/2 months before our wedding, DH & I visited TX and AR so that I could meet his family. DH's mom insisted that we stay with them. Because DH knows how they are, he had for WEEKS been calling his mom to confirm that it was still okay for us to stay with them, and told them we'd be happy to get a hotel instead if it would be easier for them. The answer was always no. At 11 PM the night before our 7 AM flight to TX, he got a call from his mom telling us we couldn’t stay with them because their house wasn't in order. So we were forced get a rental car and a hotel room once we arrived in TX and had to get a suite, at that, because we weren’t yet married, and weren’t going to stay in the same bed. Well we checked into our hotel, then went and got some dinner. We were eating when DH got a call on his cell phone – his Mom and Stepdad were 3 minutes away and wanted to see us right then. I wasn’t really mentally prepared and DH wasn’t in the mood to see them quite yet, but they were insistent, so he agreed. So what happened? They had us meet them in the PARKING LOT. My MIL hugged me and handed me a ring that had belonged to her mom as a “welcome to the family" gift, and then they left. So my first meeting with my future in-laws was a very awkward 5 minutes in the parking lot of Chuy’s. DH was horribly embarrassed and angry, but we were determined to make the most of our time, and the next 2 days that we all spent together were very enjoyable.

After our visit in TX, as we were driving to the airport for our flight to AR, DH’s Stepdad started listing off reasons why he and and DH’s mom probably wouldn’t be able to make our wedding. It was awful, because he came up with about 6 reasons and none of them were truly legitimate. We later joked that they wouldn’t be able to come because he had to organize his sock drawer. You get the picture.

On to the wedding. DH’s mom and stepdad claimed they couldn’t take any time off of work to come. Brother & SIL claimed they couldn’t afford it (note that we’d offered to pay everyone’s airfare and offered the use of our new house -- we were staying at our previous homes -- instead of a hotel). Only DH’s father & Stepmom didn’t have issues.

So what happened? SIL booked flights for her and her husband, and DH’s mom and Stepdad (who live in TX) out of LITTLE ROCK. Their flight left at 2 AM, and with layovers, the four of them arrived in town 1/2 hour before the rehearsal, and left our wedding reception several hours early to catch their outgoing flight (we had a morning wedding and afternoon reception). SIL said she’d booked those times to save a whopping $60 on their tickets. They were in town for a total of 27 hours. Can I reiterate that we’d offered to PAY FOR everyone’s plane tickets? Of course they were all exhausted the whole time and we hardly saw them with everything that was going on.

I would like to highlight that MIL & StepFIL, who supposedly didn’t even know if they could take time off from work to attend our wedding, suddenly had time to DRIVE to Little Rock (a 9 hr drive) 2 days before our rehearsal and spend that time with B & SIL. SIL has been in the family for 11 yrs. I had spent all of 2 days with them. Wouldn’t you think they’d want to spend the time with the NEW family member and the son they rarely saw?

Well, SIL had a baby earlier this year, and we were able to visit when he was 4 weeks old. MIL & StepFIL were going to drive up to visit with all of us. Well they were supposed to arrive Tuesday, which became Friday. By Saturday afternoon we still hadn’t heard from them. Then we got a call. Something about how they had HIT A SWAN and had to wait for animal control. It’s always something with them, but this wins the prize. When did they arrive? Saturday night, around 7. When were we flying out? Sunday morning. DH & BIL were both very angry, and embarrassed for me.

Okay, I can see I’m still very angry about this, but I had better get on to the real issue. DH & I had our first baby in June. Has ANYONE from his family visited? No. B & SIL have plans to come out, and they’ve made it clear that they are doing what they can to make it out here. They have 2 young children, so I do understand the difficulty. But our baby is 2 ½ months old, and we have yet to hear of any clear intention from MIL or FIL to visit. I know they’re out of state (FIL is in FL), but this is their GRANDSON! Am I being unreasonable to be hurt by their seeming disinterest? I’ve had my Aunts, Uncles, and family friends come to town to see the baby. But the In-laws? No. DH thinks I’m being too sensitive about it, and says it's just hard for them to get away. But I am deeply hurt, and it's exacerbated by the past issues. MIL saw my SIL’s last baby when he was just a couple days old, and has been out to visit several times, once staying for 2 weeks. So apparently taking time off work isn’t the problem. And it’s not like they didn’t know the baby was coming. There are routinely nonstop flights out of Austin to MI for around $150 (my aunt lives there and visits here often); the same for Little Rock. And my FIL has always told us how he flies everywhere for free with his awards miles.

I know that they all love us very much. DH’s Mother & Father are just crazy about him, and I often hear how they brag about me to others. MIL & stepFIL are just flaky, and FIL is just out of touch. DH sent an email along the lines of “Wilkes is growing up fast, he’s not a newborn anymore, you can stay with us for free, etc” but we only got a vague commitment from FIL and no response from MIL.

In reading this, I see how awful everyone looks. I want you to know that they are all very loving, caring people, but just clueless sometimes. Their intelligence certainly isn’t at issue – they’re all very smart, witty & private college-educated -- MIL & StepFIL are dual PhD’s-- so they don’t have that as an excuse. Thank God DH & his brother turned out so well! They are both wonderful, very responsible husbands and fathers.

Arrrrgh. What would you do to get over this? I’m tired of feeling so hurt by these things...and I'm sure I haven't seen the last of the fun!

Bethany

It's a Boy!
William Eric (Wilkes) born 6/16/03

[mamahill]

Honestly, in reading you post, I feel the most sorry for your DH's parents. They are not going to have the meaningful relationship with Wilkes that your side of the family has. It's really too bad that they don't figure that out. I think it's completely insensitive for your MIL to have visited your SIL's baby but not yours.

My ILs aren't in the picture a whole lot. I talk to my SILs every now and then. One has 3 small children, so I can understand it's difficult for us to get together. The other is married to a doctor, and although she has health problems, is much more financially able to make a trip to see us. But who flew down there? Our family. In the meantime, Ainsleigh knows and loves all of my siblings. She knows my parents and my aunt, and doesn't even bat an eyelash if I leave her with any of them for a couple hours.

Growing up I had a set of grandparents nearby, and a set who lived about an 8-hour drive away. While I loved all of them, I definitely had a much stronger/closer relationship with the grandparents who lived 25 minutes away.

I guess I'm saying that instead of feeling hurt, feel sorry that Wilkes won't know your husband's parents very well. I'm sure your husband feels bad that his child won't love them the way he does. Chin up, dear! Surround yourself with love, and to those who don't want to take care of it - pshaw to them!

[amp]

I am sorry you and your husband are dealing with this, and I don't want to make light of your feelings at all, but from another perspective, my first thought when I read this was, "Her in-laws live out of state and don't visit? I want in-laws that live out of state and don't visit!" }> Terrible, I know. I don't ahve any suggestions, but Mamahill is right, they are the ones missing out on a relationship with their grandbaby. Just try to focus on the joy of having and raising him and enjoy and value the family that does make time for you. Best of luck!

[deborah_r]

OK, I'm not done reading this yet, but THE SWAN is killing me. I can hardly type I'm laughing so hard. This SO sounds like some crazy story my mother would come up with!


OK done reading now...I'm so sorry to hear the problems you are having. I have been so lucky because DH's family has truly embraced me from day 1, but honestly DH has not gotten the welcome wagon from most of my family. In-laws can be difficult.

I can't believe they wer eonly in town for 27 hours for your wedding - that is terrible, especially considering how you were so willing to generously accommodate them.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps his family doesn't feel that you and your DH need them as much as your BIL & SIL. I've seen this happen with my sister. My mother feels like my sister's in-laws are so involved in their lives that my Mom doesn't always feel like shes really needed, because my BIL's family is HUGE and very close-knit. The exact opposite of my family.

Anyway, it sounds like you are a great wife, mother, and DIL and I only hope that things get better for you!

[KMommie]

I'm so sorry that you have such clueless ILs! Of course, my ILs are the exact opposite, and that's not a picnic either (they could take a page from your IL's book, and I'd be happy... okay, I'd prefer a chapter or two.) }> You and DH have made so much effort, so they know they are more than welcome to visit. How sad for them that they are missing out on their wonderful grandson.

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[peanut4us]

I'm sorry, you said Chuy's and I got a little hungry! No really, (it is excessively yummy, and now will likely be lunch tomorrow) but that just plain stinks.

You say they are educated folk... and if they live in austin, then they could just be weird. *Ducking from flying objects from anyone from Austin*. People here are noncommital about everything personal, and passionate about community, neighbors, etc. It's bizarre.

As for what I would do... let it go. It's going to be hard, but it's the best thing you can do. They are obviously not going to "get it" The best you can do is decide that what your extended family can offer your son is enough.

I have a similar situation with my in-laws... actually it's just as bizarre but in a totally different way. They didn't come out until our DD was blessed at almost 3 months old, and they have no plans to come out again at this time (we're in Round Rock TX, they're in Bountiful UT). And, frankly, I'm not hauling my family across the counrty during my baby's first holidays. So who knows when they'll see her next. I think it will likely be after she is a year old. Pretty sad. oh well. I can't change their priorities. Maybe that can be your new mantra.

[MartiesMom2B]

Sarah H is right. Your in-laws are the ones who are going to lose out. William is so lucky to have your family, who seems more loving, to be around and to grow up. I can understand about your BIL and SIL not traveling due to their baby, but honestly your parents in law really have no excuse. So they are the ones who are the big losers. Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do.

But at least it doesn't seem that your in laws expect you to travel to see them all the time. Or do they? DH's sister has expected us to travel for 16 hours for a 1 hour birthday party and for a suprise b-day party for her husband and if we didn't show they would've been highly insulted. His sister didn't come down for Martie's baptism b/c her husband doesn't like to drive on long trips and they have never visited us in NC and most likely never will. DH has so much resentment towards her that he refuses to visit her ever.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[Melanie]

How sad for your husband to have his family act like that.

We've got some family that is like that...Ds is only their 'Grandson' when it's convenient...it is truly THEIR loss.

I think that is all you can do...just know you have welcomed them into your home and if they do not come, it is their loss. Your baby has many others who adore him.

[barbarhow]

How horribly narcissistic your inlaws sound. You are extremely generous to defend them in the manner you do. I would have a hard time letting them off the hook so easily. A one time screw up-maybe-but they have established a pattern of really dysfunctional behavior. I guess I might be saying thanks that my son wouldn't get to know them that well.
That being said....I am from a crazy dysfunctional family-my mother didn't pick up the baby after he was born and flew out of my house less than 24 hours after she got there-ds was 3 days old. It is so painful to have family like this. So incredibly painful-but I can't make my mother someone she isn't and you guys can't make your ils something they aren't.
Is this a pattern for them? Did they make his little league games?, his graduation, other monumental occasions or did they have excuses then? Just wondering....
In the meantime-love your son. rejoice sparing him from them. Maybe it would be more disappointing to have them arrive and leave after 15 hours. Hopefully your family is more supportive. I definately don't think you are beiong too sensitive. It hurts when people don't respond in the expected manner.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[vluckey]

I am so sorry to hear this. One thing I LOVE about this message board is to hear from others out there who share problems. It lets me know we all struggle with something.

Coming from a daughter of a MIL who's a freak, I can tell you, it's hard. My mother has driven my DH to the edge. What I love about him is that he finally let her have it, which he RARELY ever does to anyone. It taks a lot to get my DH unhinged, but when he is, YIKES!

When I read you letter, I feel like your husband should really be more asertive regarding them. However, the only good advise my mother ever gave me is "You can't change people, you can only change how you react to them". I refuse to be hurt by what people are totally incapable of giving. If they wont be the type of Grandparents they should be, they'll pay the price. The problem is, they may be too self involved to even realize they're paying a price. And that's okay. Your child will know what's what. My brother and sil haven't visited and wont see my little guy until he's 6 months old at T-giving, and that's okay. He will miss his first 6 months and he doesn't care. I don't care either. I've got more than enough people to love my baby. Most importantly, me AND my husband. After that, it's all gravy!

Refuse to be hurt!