"My husband doesn't feel threatened by you".......

[farsk]

.......is this an "innocent" comment that a married woman would make to MY HUSBAND????????

DH works in the fitness industry, teaches group fitness classes, personal trains, you get the picture. His Tues. a.m. class is full of stay-at-home moms who love him and hoot and hollar at him....which until recently, I though was cute. They bought us baby gifts....gave him a cake for his birthday, etc.

Then there was this one woman.....I'm in such shock that although I once knew her name, I have now mentally blocked it. Stay-at-home mom to four. DH calls one day and asks if it would be OK with me for his Tues a.m. class to take him to lunch. I say, "oh, how nice of them! OK!" Well it turns out to be my DH (and in this case the "d" doesn't stand for darling/dear) and THIS WOMAN!!!!!! ALONE!!!!!!!!

More and more things happen...yadayadayada.....I tell him that his comments to this woman are to be restricted to greetings and comments on the weather. Fast forward to election day. I drop by to see him and he is hunkered over this woman talking to her in the middle of the fitness floor. This is when I blew up for real, crying (not in the middle of his work, later that night) telling him that his is not to be her "friend"....he insists that she is "just" a friend....and then he goes on "oh, I guess I can't have any friends" to which I reply," of course you can have friends, male friends, married couple friends that we hang out with, not female friends that I don't know.....you can either have this female "friend" or you can have a wife."

So all is going well (at least I think) until this weekend and he gets a call from a co-worker. He tells me that she has had a couple of drinks and may need a ride somewhere. He gets dressed and waits. Then he decides to tell me "the truth" that this "woman" is 6 weeks pregnant and bleeding and he may need to go and "take care of her kids" and thought I would "understand" that he needed to be with his "friend".

He insists that he has no personal stake in this....he's not having an affair....she's "just a friend". I don't believe it.....at least I know he is having an "emotional affair" which just feels worse. I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.

[nov04]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You're not overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. Don't listen to anyone who tells you this.

I feel that you need to sit down with your dh either on your own or with a counsellor to discuss his dishonest behaviour. Even if he's not having an affair (it doesn't sound like he is, but he's definitely hiding things from you) the fact that he's lying means that he feels guilty about something.

The whole thing with his co worker is really strange, why would he feel the need to lie to you about this? Any friend would help someone who's bleeding like this. The ideal thing to happen would be for both of you to go, you stay with the co worker's kids and he goes with her to the hospital. This way you're both involved with helping this woman, not just him. A team effort.

Whatever you choose to do, I would do it now. You deserve better than this.

[jesseandgrace]

Shannon - this is awful. I just want to tell you that you have an absolute right to be upset about this, this is a nightmare situation. The bottom line is that a relationship is alot of work, and having a child is too! Your husband does not and should not have time to be this kind of "friend" to another woman. Yes, it is fine to have and make friends, possibly even single female friends, but it is not ok for them to rely on your husband to be a husband substitute, and not ok for him to give them that type of support. The whole thing sounds really messed up. Do you know what your next step will be? One possibility might be to tell him that in no way should he talk to her again, this has gone too far. That she should be in none of his classes, and that you are going to his employer to discuss the problem. Also, call her and tell her to leave your husband alone. I hope you and your husband are able to sit down and talk about this, and that he can really understand your feelings too!

I can tell you that if he tries to tell you that you are the one with the problem, that is not true. I am definitely NOT the jealous type and this to me has red flags all over it. He needs to be there for his family, and not for her family. If she needs someone that is fine, but it needs to be her own family or a friend without his own responsibilities. Hang in there, and definitely rely on people that care about you. Maybe someone that he cares about can talk some sense in to him, but you are definitely right to feel like this is a betrayal. A late night call to take the kids is a betrayal because that is only a call you would place to your closest friends and family, not someone elses husband!

[redhookmom]

I feel the need to respond to your message but don't know what to say. If the relatioship that your dh has with this woman is making you uncomfortable he should stop. If he met a Mom that he thought he would like to be friends with the more likely course would of been to involve you in the relationship.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

[aemeric]

Oh Shannon, I can understand how you must feel devestated and betrayed. This type of behavior is simply unacceptable. It's disturbing that he was able to come up with a quick lie about a drunk friend needing a ride. I don't understand why he wouldn't tell you the truth to begin with. What did he end up doing after the call? I don't want to upset you any further, but I can only imagine that he has developed a very close relationship with this friend...why else would she turn to him during such a crisis? Where is her family and doesn't she have other friends who can help her out? I believe it would be completely inappropriate for him to have assisted her alone. As pp poster mentioned a team approach would have worked better.
He has certainly raised a lot of red flags, and you have every reason to be concerned. Also agree with pp, it might me time for some counseling. Good luck, Shannon. My prayers are with you.

April

[jec2]

(((Shannon))), I don't have much advice at all, but felt compelled to respond. I want you to know that I agree with you and the others--this is not a good relationship that your DH has forged with this woman. Would you (and your husband) consider counseling? Sometimes having somebody else breakdown the issue in addition to giving you the space to sit down and really tell him what this all means to you might be extraordinarily enlightening for him.

Please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything any of us can do.

[psophia17]

FWIW, my DH has several (single) female friends from way before I came into his life, and the only one whose existance bugs me is the one who keeps asking him to do handyman stuff for her. While she may not be trying to tempt him, I'm not comfortable with all of her asking. I think I blew up at DH after his third visit there - he clued in after that, but before he thought he was just being nice. The rest of these girls backed off when he got married.

That said, something in your situation sounds fishy to me. I wouldn't say that it sounds like your DH is having an affair, but it does sound like there's someone trying to tempt him into something and that the attention makes him feel good. It also sounds like he knows that he shouldn't feel good about it. Have you tried talking to him about your feelings, and have you been able to get a handle on his feelings? It's pretty obvious that you're not getting something from him that you deserve and are entitled to, as his wife. But at the same time, he may not be getting something from you that he needs, but doesn't want to ask for.

Definitely find someone impartial that you can both talk to...

Good luck,

[Dcclerk]

I can believe that he is not having a physical affair, but I worry for you, also, that he is having an emotional affair. I think that you are right to put restrictions and right to come up with a plan for how he should be acting with her. Counseling sounds like a fabulous idea because he probably needs a third party to discuss why restrictions should be placed on his actions with this woman, rather than it coming from his upset wife, which he may blow off as out of proportion.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sounds devastating. (((((((Hugs)))))))

[janeybwild]

Shannon, so sorry that you are faced with this horrible situation. I have no words of wisdom, except to absolutely trust your gut. Kudos to you for confronting the issue head on, but I would suggest that before your husband (hopefully) backs out of his "relationship" with this person, that he understands the pain that he has caused you. Anything less than full disclosure and acknowledgement of this may dog your future relationship. Hugs to you, this truly sucks.

[starrynight]

{hugs} I don't know what to say but wanted to offer you some support. It does sound like he is really emotionally vested here and that would hurt my feelings too. {hugs}