"He's having an affair"---the update

[farsk]

Hello Everyone!

Sorry that I have not been back to these boards in over two weeks. I just didn't have the energy to do anything. But I know how much I treasure my cyber-friendships and would want to know what happened.

That next evening we had a member of the clergy come to our home and spend an hour and a half with us. We decided that he would stay at home. He broke it off with her that same night, though he did call her the next morning "to say goodbye" and she asked that he not call her anymore and that she would not answer if he did (I guess this is the way you treat someone that you are supposedly "in love" with----NOT). She also told her husband. Their house is up for sale.

He is extremely ambivilant. I have picked up the book "Not Just Friends" --thanks for the tip from this board!-- and it has given me real insight into our relationship, what happened, why, etc. I have read that withdrawl symptoms of addiction are typically the most intense for the first three weeks, and maybe even longer

We are seeing a marriage and family therapist weekly---for me, I want to save the marriage because, lying scum that he is, I am still in love with him. He wants to see if he can start being "the real me" and then decide if he wants to stay married.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to make it easy for him to relax (please don't berate me.....I know it is not my fault.......but I do recognize the ways in which I contributed to make an affair a possibility in his mind.....) It is extremely difficult to watch him moap over her instead of being sorry and remorseful over what he has done.

What I need from you, my friends, is support. I DO NOT NEED attacks, "well I would", and "you shouldn'ts" Truth is before this happened, I would have been the first in the "call your lawyer" school of thought....but until it has happened to you you, you simply do not know how you will react. I want to save my marriage and my family. I want to be happy again. I want him to be happy with us. I do not want Ellen to grow up with divorced parents. To lay your mind at ease, we have always maintained separate financials and credit cards and have very little held jointly.

If you pray, please include me in your prayers.

Thanks

[farsk]

Hello Everyone!

Sorry that I have not been back to these boards in over two weeks. I just didn't have the energy to do anything. But I know how much I treasure my cyber-friendships and would want to know what happened.

That next evening we had a member of the clergy come to our home and spend an hour and a half with us. We decided that he would stay at home. He broke it off with her that same night, though he did call her the next morning "to say goodbye" and she asked that he not call her anymore and that she would not answer if he did (I guess this is the way you treat someone that you are supposedly "in love" with----NOT). She also told her husband. Their house is up for sale.

He is extremely ambivilant. I have picked up the book "Not Just Friends" --thanks for the tip from this board!-- and it has given me real insight into our relationship, what happened, why, etc. I have read that withdrawl symptoms of addiction are typically the most intense for the first three weeks, and maybe even longer

We are seeing a marriage and family therapist weekly---for me, I want to save the marriage because, lying scum that he is, I am still in love with him. He wants to see if he can start being "the real me" and then decide if he wants to stay married.

I'm doing everything I know how to do to make it easy for him to relax (please don't berate me.....I know it is not my fault.......but I do recognize the ways in which I contributed to make an affair a possibility in his mind.....) It is extremely difficult to watch him moap over her instead of being sorry and remorseful over what he has done.

What I need from you, my friends, is support. I DO NOT NEED attacks, "well I would", and "you shouldn'ts" Truth is before this happened, I would have been the first in the "call your lawyer" school of thought....but until it has happened to you you, you simply do not know how you will react. I want to save my marriage and my family. I want to be happy again. I want him to be happy with us. I do not want Ellen to grow up with divorced parents. To lay your mind at ease, we have always maintained separate financials and credit cards and have very little held jointly.

If you pray, please include me in your prayers.

Thanks

[Momof3Labs]

Sending good, healing thoughts to you, Shannon. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Take care of yourself during this tough time too - as wives and mothers, sometimes we forget to nurture the woman inside of us. Even if it is something as simple as taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine, or painting those toenails the perfect shade of red!

[Momof3Labs]

Sending good, healing thoughts to you, Shannon. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Take care of yourself during this tough time too - as wives and mothers, sometimes we forget to nurture the woman inside of us. Even if it is something as simple as taking a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine, or painting those toenails the perfect shade of red!

[kelly ann]

Shannon-

Everyone's choice of what they would do in your shoes is so varied, but it doesn't make any of the choices "less right", KWIM? Unfortunately, yours is not a hypothetical situation :( DH is willing to try to make the marriage work and you still love him - therefore, you have to give it a shot. Especially since you two share such a special blessing together - Ellen.

You will be in my prayers as you go through this difficult time in your marriage. I am glad you have found support through clergy as well as a therapist. It seems like you are doing everything you can to make this work.

Best of luck.

[kelly ann]

Shannon-

Everyone's choice of what they would do in your shoes is so varied, but it doesn't make any of the choices "less right", KWIM? Unfortunately, yours is not a hypothetical situation :( DH is willing to try to make the marriage work and you still love him - therefore, you have to give it a shot. Especially since you two share such a special blessing together - Ellen.

You will be in my prayers as you go through this difficult time in your marriage. I am glad you have found support through clergy as well as a therapist. It seems like you are doing everything you can to make this work.

Best of luck.

[cinrein]

Shannon,
I applaud you. If I said it once, I said it 1000 times: you never know how you will react in a situation until you are LIVING it. I will certainly continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to update us and let us know what we can do to support you. And please also know that you can vent to us anytime you need to.

Hugs and a big pat on the back---you are an awesome Mama!!
Cindy and Anna February 2003

[cinrein]

Shannon,
I applaud you. If I said it once, I said it 1000 times: you never know how you will react in a situation until you are LIVING it. I will certainly continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please continue to update us and let us know what we can do to support you. And please also know that you can vent to us anytime you need to.

Hugs and a big pat on the back---you are an awesome Mama!!
Cindy and Anna February 2003

[Dcclerk]

Thanks for the update, Shannon. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you right now. It sounds like you are taking great steps for you. Although you received a list of things that I think should be done in situations like this, you will get no more from me on that front. You need to make the best decision for you. I always tell my DH that if he had an affair, his stuff would be on the street the day I found out, but reality is that I don't really know how I would react. I do believe that if you love someone, you do everything in your power to work it out, and it sounds like you are trying to do exactly that. Good for you.

I also think that you are being very wise in figuring out what behaviors you can change in yourself. Regardless of the outcome, you are doing whatever you know to make your marriage a better thing. You can feel great about that.

My best friend was actually the cheating partner, and I have a pretty good sense of what you are looking at in your DH. It isn't pretty and it must be so hard for you to see him pining over someone else. I promise you that it does get better, though it takes longer than we think it should. He got to live in a fantasy world for a little bit, and that is always an easier more pleasant world than the one we actually live in. Deep down, he knew he couldn't live there forever, but it was so much easier than he had hoped. It takes a while for everyone to get back to reality, and you will definitely have better days than others.

I hope that you can be yourself throughout this and not change the critical components of what make you Shannon. It is so difficult. Big hugs to both you and Ellen.

You are definitely in my prayers.

[Dcclerk]

Thanks for the update, Shannon. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you right now. It sounds like you are taking great steps for you. Although you received a list of things that I think should be done in situations like this, you will get no more from me on that front. You need to make the best decision for you. I always tell my DH that if he had an affair, his stuff would be on the street the day I found out, but reality is that I don't really know how I would react. I do believe that if you love someone, you do everything in your power to work it out, and it sounds like you are trying to do exactly that. Good for you.

I also think that you are being very wise in figuring out what behaviors you can change in yourself. Regardless of the outcome, you are doing whatever you know to make your marriage a better thing. You can feel great about that.

My best friend was actually the cheating partner, and I have a pretty good sense of what you are looking at in your DH. It isn't pretty and it must be so hard for you to see him pining over someone else. I promise you that it does get better, though it takes longer than we think it should. He got to live in a fantasy world for a little bit, and that is always an easier more pleasant world than the one we actually live in. Deep down, he knew he couldn't live there forever, but it was so much easier than he had hoped. It takes a while for everyone to get back to reality, and you will definitely have better days than others.

I hope that you can be yourself throughout this and not change the critical components of what make you Shannon. It is so difficult. Big hugs to both you and Ellen.

You are definitely in my prayers.