what am i doing!!!!!!!!!!
ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.
stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?
and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.
have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!
Becky, mom to hootie and nugget.
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."