what am i doing!!!!!!!!!!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[bcky2]

ok, i am too young for a mid life crisis! what is my brain doing to me! first off i quit smoking 6 years ago, yes 6! i was at 2 packs a day and went cold turkey. i have been thinking about smoking for the past week nonstop. it is all that is on my mind. from the minute that i wake up till the minute i fall asleep. so today i cave in and have one x( i thought that oh i will have one, it will taste like crap and i will choke on it. nope, it was like i never missed a day. so stupid thing number one.

stupid thing number two. now i dont know if this is bad or not. i looked up and wrote a letter someone that i used to date like um, 15 years ago befor dh. he was a few years older then me and we didnt have the greatest relationship(who does at that age) and i have always felt like i never got to tell him that the things he did to me and said to me were so wrong and how much it hurt. i have had dreams about getting to confront him and tell him how i feel. im not talking about little things, i mean major issues that i still have problems with. i was a huge alcoholic by the age of 13/14 to the point where i would have weeks at a time that i cant remember, i got into some drugs, i had been to some of the worst crack houses in my town, he was abusive in many ways, it was just soooooooooo bad. i have this desire to ask him why he did what he did and for some reason i guess i just want to know if he feels bad in any way at all for what he did. so i wrote the letter to him and said that if he remembers me to contact me via email so that maybe we can talk. i did let him know that i am married with kids so he doesnt think im looking to pick up where we left off ;) am i wrong to want to confront him?

and third, all of a sudden i am in a panic to loose all the weight i put on when i quit smoking and had 2 babies. and when i think of all the right ways to do it i think that it will take too long. i am to the point that other then my party this weekend i have been trying not to eat at all. i know that this is sooooo stupid but i just cant think straight for some reason. all i can think is if i dont eat, work out a ton, and pick up smoking agian to take the place of eating then i can loose it nice and fast. and im not talking 5-10lbs, im talking some major lbs here.

have i gone off the deep end or what???????????? if this is 30 i dont want to see 40!

[tarabenet]

OK, girlfriend, stop and take a few deep breaths! Seriously, you desrve a little break and it sounds like you are needing to catch up to yourself.

First, "off the deep end" and "midlife crisis" may be stronger than apply to you. More importantly, if you get wrapped up in calling yourself names and throwing insults at yourself, things will go from odd to bad in a hurry.

Definitely sounds like there's a part of yourself you've been trying to squelch, and she's fighting to be heard. At least, I know that is what turns up every time I get into one of those "I need some kind of change, any kind, right now!" kind of cycles. Time to find a way to reconnect with yourself and figure out what is missing in your life. Do you have a really good, wise friend (not a drama queen type for this) you can talk thigns through with? So often, thinking out loud will getcha places you just can't find by yourself. If not, or if even one of these three things gets more accute, get yourself a counselor. Nothing like someone objective to help you crack the code! Your sending yourself warning flares. Take care of them now, because I can guarantee they won't just fade away without major consequences.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Stop judging yourself for these things and take them for the clear signals that they are, and you can be on top of the world a lot faster than you would imagine.

Hugs and peace and good vibes to you.

(PS: Doesn't my siggie give you a hint that I have an idea of where you're coming from on this? And I've done 30 and 40 both, and neither one needs to be a crisis!)