how to ignore slamming and ranting ?

[Lynnie]

this is a question, but related to a bitch. The house is never clean and tidy enough for my DH. We have different standards and levels of tolerance for toys being out and overall tidiness, and different priorities. I like toys out to play with while the tree is still up, and the holidays are still with us. He hates the whole thing anyway, and wants to put them all into the kids' rooms today, if not in the trash. Whatever.

So last night, after I got home from work, paid the babysitter, fed the kids, bathed them, and put them to bed, I corralled everything together, but didn't stacked it or arrange it perfectly, and then took an ibuprofin 800 and put ice on my back, which had gone out, and lay down in bed. He gets home after playing golf for the second day in a row (and having some beer afterward, and being out till after 8) started muttering that I need a full time maid to pick up after me, bla bla bla, and slamming toys into neater piles, and rearranging books loudly while muttering. (now, mind you, five nights out of the week he will eat something on the couch, fall asleep there, wake up, come to bed and leave the mess out, and will also frequently leave papers strewn on the bathroom floor, and leave wire coat hangers and plastic dry cleaning wrap out, and never puts his dishes in the dishwasher, so its not as if he is the neatest guy in the world, but that's part of the bitch, not the question).

He also starts trying to interrogate me about why I did this or that, if I bought this product after trying it, etc, in a really nasty tone, and I told him I was in pain, did not like the way he was talking to me, and did not want to get into anything. So he continues to go around the house muttering and banging drawers and cabinet doors fixing himself something to eat I guess, but making loud, disapproving noises. (he did this while my mom was here too, after having disrespected her and pissed her off by ignoring our holiday traditions, but that would be another whole bitch about how lousy the holidays were and how hard it is to stay in the holiday spirit).

Here's the question: I am going to continue to try not to get into the bickering, or get on the defensive when he comes home and rants, and I am going to insist on couples counseling, and I am going to continue to do my best to keep the place looking nice, but, when he is muttering and banging things around, I am not able to completely ignore it, and I feel all stressed out and anxious. One night, I just got into a hot bath with scented candles and put my ears under the water, but last night I was stuck in bed with the ice, and just didn't want to get up.

Is there a trick, like biofeedback or somethign, to block my body's reaction ??

I hope counseling will work for us, because as much as I love him at times, I really don't like living this way, and it happens more than occasionally. And I bring it up, and he blames me for not (fill in the blank, keeping the house clean enough, being organized enough, getting rid of more toys) and tells me he wouldn't get mad if I wouldn't do XYorZ. Not that I buy into this, because his reaction is out of control, but it doesn't make for a really meaningful and productive discussion. And for the first time in a while I am seriously thinking that I really might have to make a go of it on my own, but am first going to try just not engaging in the frequent arguments, and not letting his behavior affect me, and insist on the counseling.

Don't want to ask IRL friends, bc most are disgusted with him due to recent occurrances, and would just flame the fire, and staying angry at him for everything will not accomplish anything. So I am dumping on you all and asking for any tips on dealing with this. sorry for the novel.

[nbs2]

Wow.

Regarding your main question - I'm not sure I understand what you are asking. When you say "block my body's reaction," are you trying to block your mental/emotional reaction or the physiological reaction?

The more I think about it, I suppose more Ibuprofin (but be careful - it'll tear up your stomach) or other medication will solve the physio reaction. When he starts to bang things around, you aren't going to be able to block it out - he won't let it happen (he'll just get louder). Try and thing of something that reminds you of happier times. Sometimes it is something you think is silly, but if it makes you feel better, that is all that matters.

As for the hurt on the inside, here are some thoughts. Is there a member of the family on his side that you can talk to? Someone that doesn't really care what he thinks, but as the authority and respect to start putting him in his place? Or, I don't know how religious the two of you are (or if you even have the same faith), but discussing his actions with his religious leader might give you some more insight into how/why he acts the way he does. I mean, does he feel justified in his actions or is he not complying with his "moral" duty? I know that this is an invasive question, but how involved is alcohol in his demeanor?

As for taking care of yourself, remember that this too shall pass. Love your kids, but be careful. They can feel the hurt that he is causing and it will color their perceptions. I'm sure your husband can already see this, and unfortunately it probably compunds his anger (with you and with himself, both of which are taken out on you). Find a friend who won't get angry at your husband, but will listen to you. Someone who will sympathize, empathize, but leave it at that. Make sure your friend won't be the kind of person to confront your husband. You don't want to get "outsiders" involved - it will only serve to antagonize the relationship.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the novel in response to your novel. I know that things will work out for you - maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday.

[bcky2]

lynn, i dont have any great advice for you but i wanted to give you a big (((hug))). you seem to be going thru so much here lately and i feel so bad for you. i really hope that he goes to counseling and that it helps you out, i also dont see how you could go on like this forever. also you have to think about the fact that this is teaching your children that it is ok to treat others this way. i really hope that things get better for you, no matter what it may take to make it better.

[DebbieJ]

Start seeing someone by yourself right away. Then bring DH in when he's ready.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/sty...onths-bfar.jpg

[KBecks]

I can relate somewhat. My DH thinks our house should be clean all the time, yet likes to plant his A@@ on the couch immediately upon getting home from work.

Here's what I learned from marriage counseling about 5 years ago -- accentuate the positive and minimize the negative.

Counseling should be helpful.

Also, you may want so sleep with a pillow over your head to avoid the noise (seriously).

Maybe you can try and schedule some fun time together -- it's really hard with little kids, but you guys need to find some happy stuff to fill you both up with so that there's less time to complain.

Hugs and good luck, and kudos to you for not engaging and escalating.

Is he drinking a little too much, btw? My DH is a crab and gets a very short temper when he's had too many.

[cmdunn1972]

You know, it's one thing to be slightly neurotic. (All of us are slightly neurotic from time to time, so that's nothing new.) It's yet another to be a jerk about it.

I would call him on it (after he's calmed down). Say you get that somehow in his mind certain things "belong" in exactly a certain way, but that you'd like for him to acknowledge that you made an effort to straighten, and for goodness sakes you're not a mind reader! He needs to recognize that the degree to which he "straightens" things is to the point of neurotic, and he should realize that and not try to draw you into it. Also, he is a role model for your children, and some of his behavior (not being home to support you and the violent outbursts when things aren't to his super-specific specifications) is not appropriate.

I would say try marriage counseling first. It's possible that he just doesn't realize that he's over the top. If that doesn't work, or if he won't go after a set period of time, then you might be better off without him.

[Jenn98]

I've become a light sleeper recently, and so I have found a few things that help me: No light, even the alarm clock needs to be turned away. No noise, which is impossible in our house sometimes so I put a pillow over my head. Maybe some white noise (a fan, music, or true white noise would help you?) and then I try deep breatihng. Sometimes I have trouble winding down and if I do several ddep breaths it calms me just enough to drift off. HTH!

[dogmom]

I think it's hard to recommend something not knowing the whole situation, but what I understand your question to be is that you don't want to just contribute to the whole situation by reacting. However, if he is trying to get your attention in a passive aggresive way by banging things around, it's just going to go on until he gets a reaction. Or if he is just trying to control you, same thing. I think ideally you should (1) tell him you want to go to counseling and (2) tell him until it starts you are not going to respond to this kind of stuff because you think it is not productive. Otherwise I'm afraid whatever you do to ignore it will just be like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[squimp]

(((Hugs))) This sounds like a really tough time.

Among many things, it seems like your DH needs a reality check. I would tell him that you work really hard to take care of two little boys and keep the house running. Does he know how hard it is to do all of that? I would then tell him that tomorrow (or next Saturday or whenever) you are going to spend the day doing X (in my situation it would be shopping with a girlfriend or something, perhaps you could use some spa time for your back?), and that he will be taking care of the boys and the house. And then at the end of the day, you can talk with him. Will the house look perfect? Will they have eaten 3 square meals? I would be extremely surprised. Maybe it will give him some newfound appreciation of what you do.

It does sound like DH has some major issues and concerns to talk about. I'm also going to go out on a limb and wonder if you both have different styles for confrontation and communication. Debbi has some good advice about the counseling.

[dules]

Wanted to voice my support too, and wish I had something more concrete to offer.

IMO the counseling will be a great help - and hopefully you will not have to try to stifle your emotions or not let his behavior affect you - it has to be a two way street and your feelings must be validated.

I heard something on NPR (WNYC) the other day and now can't find the transcript, but it was about some research that had been done recently that showed that getting a cleaning lady resulted in significantly happier spouses on both sides. Go figure!? It said that outsourcing a good chunk of that work made both spouses feel better about themselves and each other. Anyway, something to think about in addition to the counseling, I guess.

I hope things get better for you soon. It seems you've been having a very hard time especially of late. :(


Mary