I am just so incredibly hurt.

[hez]

It does suck. I'm sorry.

I've been to my three best guy friends' weddings. I had even dated one of them freshman year of college-- his wife knows because she lived in our dorm. That friend and I went so far as to make sure our weddings were scheduled so we could each attend the other's (you know, avoiding honemoons). It would have been weird not to. We still see them every time we go home (and it's been 9 years since we got married).

If she hadn't met you, I could see that there could be some jealousy-- but she has & she knows about your friendship. I'm sorry you'll miss out on their special day.

[niccig]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I bet she's jealous because you have a longer past with him and knows things she doesn't, and she wants to wipe out everything that happened pre-her. You may not be the only friend this will happen to. I went to school with my BIL's brother. Years later I met his wife and I called him by his school nickname, and she shot daggers at me for the rest of the visit. She didn't like that I knew something she didn't, and I was female, so I was a threat. Again I say, some people don't grow up.
I'm sorry this is happening.

[Globetrotter]

I feel for you as a similar thing happened to me. One of my best friends was given an ultimatum by his girlfriend (who was my friend first) that it was either her or me! We were truly just friends so I was devestated. However, years later I learned that he had told her in the past that he had feelings for me (they weren't doing well as a couple at the time). I can see how that changed everything but I didn't know, or I chose not to see the signs!! We even considered each other brother and sister! The funny thing is, this ultimatum came about after I was engaged and about to be married. You'd think that would have made me "safe" but she still felt threatened.

He used to joke that he would be my "Best man" when I got married but, after her ultimatum, he didn't even attend my wedding :( as we broke off the friendship a few weeks beforehand. I still feel a bit sad about it, but I didn't want to cause problems in their relationship.

In your case, maybe you could talk to her and express your concern. Maybe her friends have been planting ideas in her head. You never know! I hope you can work this out. I know it's really hard :(

[kijip]

I would be worried if my best friend was about to marry someone so jealous and controlling. That is just plain messed up on her part, no two ways about it. Sadly, I think that it effectively limits if not ends your friendship with him. If she does not want you at the wedding, I can hardly imagine she has the fortitude to tolerate you at any other social occasions or that she is going to be willing to "let him" have phone contact like you currently have. And he is setting up a pattern of needing her permission for having contact with you by even broaching the idea of not inviting you to the wedding. Grown men and women should not need their spouses permission to be friends with someone.

My opinion is skewed, because my best all time friend has become very close with my husband to the point that they were each groomsmen for the other and see each other apart from me and my friend's wife :)

There is no reason for a person in a healthy relationship to start cutting off healthy friendships of their spouses...it is really sad. I am so sorry.

[julieakc]

>You know, in that situation, I'd tell my friend that any
>woman who didn't trust him about my friendship with him was
>not wife material. For the rest of his life, if he "caves,"
>you will be suspect in her eyes, and she will have effectively
>ended a friendship. He should consider that if she is willing
>to do this once, she'll do it again...and again...
>
>Marriage is about trust, after all, and it doesn't sound like
>there's much there.


ITA with Petra;she captured my thoughts about this situation perfectly. I also agree with Katie in that people should not need their spouse's permission to be friends with someone.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and I hope it works out so that you and your friend can remain close.

[pb&j]

I'm so sorry. I have some very, very close and dear male friends (even and ex-boyfriend or two in there) that I would be devastated if I lost because of their SO's. They're all married now, and all the spouses have graciously included me (when I was single) and now my family on their Xmas card lists and invites to important family functions. Like the PP's said, I'd really want to know what her motives were for cutting you off from the wedding. And is this jealously/lack of trust really something your friend wants to marry?


-Ry,
mom to Max, age 1.5
and my girl in heaven

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/37124.gif

[KBecks]

I think your only hope is to reach out to her and try to get to know her better and be her friend. Maybe ask her out for coffee and spend some time with her. If she is uncomfortalbe with you, then it's worth the effort to try and get comfortable. That may mean giving her more attention than your male friend for a while. A lot of people believe that men and woman cannot be friends w/o sexual interest. It's not your job to convince her, but by reaching out to her as friends you can demonstrate that you are not only all about him, and that should help her feel more comfortable with you as a person when you are friends with both of them and not just him.

Katie's mention that her male friend is now great friends with her husband is a good example. You and she may need to get close as part of the evolution of your friendship with the guy.

I wouldn't try to get between the couple; that only "proves" you are a threat.

Hugs and good luck. If you have while before the wedding the bride may have a change of heart, but you may need to ride it out and give some space and just see how things play out on their own.

[Radosti]

Well, I had given that ultimatum to my husband when we were first dating. I am by no means the jealous type, in fact, that's why I married him - he's just that trustworthy. But when we were dating only a few months, he had a prior commitment to attend a wedding as the escort for his one friend. He dated this girl for 1.5 years and they'd been friends for 2 years after that. I had no problem with him going with her. I trusted him by that time already. On the way home, it was late and she'd fallen asleep in the car. He was beat and driving in the dark. He called me to chat with me and stay awake. I asked why she fell asleep instead of keeping up the conversation and he didn't know. Anyway, we'd been chatting for about 10 minutes when she woke up. She asked who he was talking to and he told her. She started shrieking like a banshee. "How DARE he talk to me (the dirty nasty wh**e) while she was in the car with him." Like he was cheating on her. He told her to control herself, but she had obviously concluded that the fact that he went to the wedding with her meant that they were back together. So, this was a shock to her. She jumped out of the car at one of the toll booths and he asked her to get back in. She wouldn't and he was already at the limit of his patience, so he left. The toll booth operators called him and asked him to come back to get her and that they guarantee she'll get back in the car.

He went and got her, took her home. She stormed out of the car, he threw her bag out after her. He called me back as he pulled away. I had had some time to think about it by then. So, I told him:

"I realize this is an ultimatum and it may backfire. You have a long history with her and only a few months with me. But I refuse to be called a dirty/nasty wh**e by one of your friends. Not only that, but I am reasonably sure that she wants you back. So, here is the ultimatum. You are welcome to go back to her, but I will never talk to you again. But if you choose to stay with me, I need a promise that you will never talk to her again."

He must have been really mad at her, because he readily agreed. She called him a few days later and left a tearful message about how sorry she was about her behavior. He never called her back and that was the end of that. I have never ever had to do that to anyone either before or after that incident.

Now, my best friend is a guy. He's always been around since college. My DH is not threatened at all. We go to visit him in Boston and he comes to visit us. My DH (while we were dating) and his friends once made a mistake and scheduled their golf trip over valentine's day. So, to make up for that, he bought me a plane ticket to Boston to spend the weekend with my best friend. Now my best friend has finally met the right girl for him. I am very happy for him. We haven't met her yet, but the way he talks about her, she's the one. They've been dating a year now. We were planning on going up to Boston for my college 10 year reunion in June, but that's scrapped now as my due date is June 14th. So, not going to happen. My friend is talking about ring shopping. So, I think we might make it a family trip up to Boston soon to meet her.

I would be devastated if she told him that he wasn't allowed to be friends with me. That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. But she sounds very nice and I'll be pregnant when we meet her, I can't imagine she'd view me as a threat.

[casey0729]

Stacy,

As someone who has a very close guy friend whom my husband luckily adores I feel so bad for you.

I think her finding it "strange" means she is insecure. You can make this explanation simple to her. You and your friend have had ample time and opportunity to get together and you haven't. You're married, and he wants to get married to HER (though that sounds a little dumb lol). That should speak volumes about your FRIENDSHIP, not your laziness in not getting together. Some lightbulb is not going to go off at his wedding causing you to jump up and push your DH aside and yell "I love you, let's run off together". Seriously, this girl needs to check herself and your friend needs to figure out if this is what he wants for the rest of his life. If she's that insecure, marrying him is not going to suddenly cure her. She'll move on to his male friends she finds "questionable" next.

I hope your friend can stand up to her. It will be pretty lonely for him if he cuts everyone she doesn't like/trust out of his life.

Good luck.

KC

DS 5/11/05
DD 7/14/07

[maestramommy]

Stacey, I'm so very sorry about this. If you and your friend have never had any feelings beyond friendship, he needs to make that clear to her. Other than that, I think she is feeling insecure and needs to get beyond it. I have been in your shoes, but in high school where the stakes are never that high. It's a little weird feeling knowing that your bond is deep and longstanding, something that the other woman doesn't have any part of. That is probably why she is feeling insecure.

((HUGS)) I really hope she comes around and changes her mind. Or that your friend re-evaluates the strength of their relationship. I can't imagine going into a marriage when lack of trust on one end.